Dear Kane:

“You have perfect emotional regulation at the cost that you no longer know what you are supposed to let yourself feel, to where you feel close to nothing“-

– seems to me that what you are referring to (feeling close to nothing), is not perfect emotion regulation but dissociation, a disconnection from one’s feelings, which is excessive emotion regulation (a response to trauma).

A way to remain disconnected from one’s feelings is intellectualizing: focusing on logical analysis to avoid emotional experience.

You are 18. I am glad you posted and welcome to the forums!

Would you like to share about the practical aspects of your young life?

anita

Dear Kane:

I wasn’t able to read and process most of your original post yesterday afternoon (my time), but I feel more able this Sat morning. I will read a part of your post, respond to it, then read the next part, respond to it, etc.

“hello, my name is Kane, 18 and wanting change“- hello Kane. When I was 18, I wanted to change too. I hope that what needs to change within you and for your benefit, will take place.

“as I grew up, I understood… that everything, had ability to be wrong, incorrect, untrue, inexact, so, I never lived with ‘certainties’, like I was a nice person”-

– I didn’t read the next part, so I don’t know yet what you are referring to, but this line rings a bell for me in regard to my own experience growing up. My mother criticized me so many times, criticizing what I said and did, what I didn’t say and should have said. She even criticized the expressions on my face, what (she thought) I thought and felt. Her message to me was that I was Wrong, that I was thinking wrong, feeling wrong, doing things wrong.

A particular harmful criticism, looking back, was that I was thinking wrong because it led to so much self-doubt over the years and decades. But then her other criticisms were particularly harmful too, leading me to decades of feeling (and thinking) intense guilt and feeling that I wasn’t able to make good choices, so I needed someone else, someone capable to make choices for me (learned helplessness).

Now back to your post: .. I am reading your words, I get a meaning here and there, but it’s difficult for me to follow (I have ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder) and wordiness (using many more words than what is needed to convey a message, resulting in writing that is not clear and concise) is difficult, and sometimes impossible for me to process. So, I will be skipping most parts that I didn’t understand enough.

“I worked into the depths of everything I could, one’s nature… how bad it is we are not in control of our development, the natural problem between kids and parents being organic and part inorganic… I  logicalized everything to such a degree“- seems to me that there were- and are- personal, concrete problems between you and your parents, but you don’t address these problems. Instead, you have been analyzing general  problems between parents and kids and in the  abstract. I made a comment yesterday in my reply to you about intellectualizing because that’s what I sensed you were doing in your post.

psychology today/ intellectualization: “Intellectualization is a defense mechanism in which people reason about a problem to avoid uncomfortable or distressing emotions. For example… A man who lost his wife may focus all of his energy on funeral arrangements and logistics instead of acknowledging his grief. By channeling mental energy into a logical assessment or abstract discussion, an individual can avoid painful emotions or remain distanced from beliefs that challenge their sense of self”.

Even though it takes intelligence to intellectualize (you are an intelligent young person), intellectualization blocks understanding because it (intellectualization) is about avoiding emotional awareness. There is an equation of sorts that my therapist, a decade ago, presented to me: Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind.

Back to your post: “I cried too much as a kid, to which I hid my pain, even though they made me feel such“- you cried as a boy growing up because you were in pain, and they (your parents, I assume) inflicted pain on you..?

“I invalidated my emotions from having agency by denying their impact… I am struggling to advance further in my knowledge, as that is my dependency, for as long as I find the logic, I can do it, and if not…I can’t“- your emotions need to be validated. You cannot be wise by logic alone: wisdom= logic+ emotions.

“my emotions are chaotic and eating each other, wanting to laugh, to smile, to cry, to scream, to hurt, hurt, and hurt, myself? Others? Don’t know?!“- this is similar to what I experienced when I was your age, before and a long time after. No wonder I was so exhausted, particularly as a teenager and in my early 20s when I still lived with my mother. To have emotions chaotic and eating each other is indeed.. exhausting. (The way I used to relax, to calm the emotions down, was to daydream. It’s called maladaptive daydreaming because I did so much of it, throughout the day).

Looking back, this was what my emotional chaos was about: I was in emotional pain, but my focus was on my mother’s pain. My empathy was with her. She accused me of causing her pain, of being the Problem. So, I was against the Problem= against myself. But I didn’t only feel empathy for her, I also felt anger/ hate for her. I was conflicted (empathy & hate), hence the chaos.

Persistent Conflict=> Emotional Chaos=> Exhaustion.

I felt that I deserved to be in pain for being the Problem, but on the other hand, part of me (the part that felt innocent of her accusations) was fighting for itself, pointing to my mother as the Problem.

My peace of mind, the calming of the chaos, happened after I finally took my side and believed, thoroughly believed, that in the context of my mother- myself, she was the Guilty one, I was the Good one.

Back to your post: “Then there’s the wisdom itself, which I nicknamed ‘Mechanical Morality’, as they are the absolute of truths we struggle to grasp… a child’s two-sided ability to be a bright light of joy, or of cruelty“- I wish I was able to understand this part. Can you/ will you explain this to me as simply and clearly as you can, as if you are explaining this to a young child who cannot follow abstract, complex wording?

As a matter of fact, you can help yourself perhaps, if you simplify your writing and express yourself through words that a child will use. (I used to intellectualize.. a lot. Simplified, direct writing made my healing possible).

“Each counterweight each other to where I can’t be anything, feel like my kindness isn’t genuine”- You can’t place your emotions in rational, intellectualized containers and feel genuine. The emotions placed in the containers (repressed & suppressed) are not calm emotions. They demand to be let out, do they?

“Everything that comes into reality had its reason towards existing, to where nearly, there’s always a reason, even when there’s not one directly, you could be pushed to do the worst of the worst and still be the kindest person out there, you can be disgusting yet like something pure“- yes, there is always reasons why people do bad things. Reasons do not equal justifications. And it is true that every person who repeatedly harms another was once innocent and was harmed himself/ herself by someone else. And so, abuse has been spreading around like fire, since the beginning of times.

I used to think that my thoughts (thoughts that I felt were unacceptable) were indications that I was a bad person, and that my anger- and the thoughts fueled by my anger- were also indications that I was a bad person. I didn’t know that people are neither good nor bad for the content of their thoughts, nor for the quality of their feelings. People are good or bad for what they say/ type and for their actions. This means that even when my feelings are not.. pretty, so to speak, as long as I choose to help/ to do no harm.. I am a good person.

I typed above, “a good person”. A Person, not a Saint. There are no saints in human form. I can’t think of a saint in any form. Only the other day I found myself gossiping about a person whose behavior I disapprove of (objectively, objectionable behaviors), and I am still trying to figure out what I should do about my anger at him. My anger is not at all an indication that I am a good or bad person. What I choose to say and do, as a good (and imperfect/ unsaintly) person, is the question.

“Our world is filled with contradictions, to where almost nothing is just one thing“- when I took my side, some things were.. just one thing. The little girl that I was, was just this one thing: a good little girl that loved her mother deeply, and would have done anything and everything to help her mother. And she did all that she was able to do to help her mother.

“I’m getting better, as in I’m feeling emotions again with more honesty“- good to read that you are getting better, feeling your emotions with more honesty.

“but that whole storm is still there… it’s just arguing, simple, family, arguments, fools hurting each other“- who is hurting you, and how?

“I can’t live without them, yet I so desperately want to, yet I want the family that this one doesn’t feel like it is… not exactly horrible, not the best… I need to do something drastic.. let anger win“- there is a positive, healthy message behind your anger: to live away from your family, a family who has been horrible enough to cause a good, loving boy to desperately want to live away from them..?

anita

Dear Kane:

You are very welcome, and thank you for being gracious and expressing your appreciation.

“Anita: By practical…  I don’t have much in my life besides small visits to family, for events and holidays, and school (which I love), please be more specific“- I meant just that, which you mentioned: you go to school (away from home, I figure), and you visit your family for events and holidays. I suppose that outside of interacting with your family and with teachers and other students, you don’t have a social life, no hanging out with friends, having parties…? Young people such as yourself need regular positive social connection with others, to not be alone for too long.

“I had to learn to get to my emotions in another format, I learned to take what little I feel in the emotional aspect and create a sort of replica logically?“- I think that everyone who is capable of thinking does this. It’s a matter of balance: to think and to be aware of what we feel and what valid messages are behind what we feel.

“Anita: Sorry for the complicated word use, and I’m also sorry you had a hard upbringing as well, hope it’s better now at least somewhat“- no need to apologize for the words you use, and thank you for your empathy, much appreciated. Yes, things are better now.

“both my siblings and my parents although at first, my parents argued, my dad being the aggressive and cursing one. I couldn’t handle the emotional pain so I looked into the why… I had undecidedly obsessed over it cause family was truly my everything”-

– you loved them so much that you needed them to be happy, but they were unhappy, arguing, your father cursing. Siblings arguing too. Like any kid, you needed a safe, calm happy home. And like so many of us, you didn’t get what you needed. I am sorry, Kane.

“I knew that I cared too much as that was another factor to why it hurt so bad, as I wanted nothing but to help others achieve happiness“- I read this part after I typed the above. Your love for your parents, for your family, is and has been.. Perfect (referring to the perfect in the title of your thread).

This is my experience too, perfectly loving my mother (my parents divorced early and I lived with my mother).

“I had to understand that I loved something that hurt me, and that even knowing that, they still continued to do what they did“- when love hurts.. when loving is a source of pain..

“I wanted to work to make me, and them, as happy as life could allow“- that was my lifetime dream for decades: to work (and.. to get rich) so to make my mother happy.

“Happiness? How could I have that without them when they are my everything?“- I did not allow myself to be happy until I made my mother happy first. I would have felt too guilty to be happy and leave her alone in misery.

“I had to learn to love them in spite of this, in spite of my anger, animosity and crazed“- I think you loved them from the beginning, from the beginning of your life. The anger came later.

“Fall, cry, adapt, till I knew enough to where the arguing didn’t hurt as much as they did, and my standard of living had become like them…unconscious… they-don’t-respect the idea that their actions have consequences on others, none of them, not my mom, not my siblings, no one..”-

– my mother didn’t respect the idea that her actions had consequences on me. She didn’t understand, or care to understand that I was human. Not a feelings-less thing.

“Like a spectator watching the string dance“- if I wrote a book about my life, I would title it Spectator (an unhappy spectator).

“Your right, I am ignoring this, because it has hit a wall, and no one is ‘adult’ in handling it, and I couldn’t validate my emotions and act on them cause they are too intense now, cause there’s so much, and any time I try, it feels like my body is flooding stress into my body as thoughts become crazed and rushed, trying to make me do something I’ll regret, and I had to learn to make this ‘system’ to handle it“-

– I don’t adequately understand this ‘system’, but as long as you need it to handle life, please keep this system going.

I understand what you mean by no one is ‘adult’.

“Mechanical Morality”, is the truths of the world we tend to miss, for example, the natural conflict between parents and kids…. where the parents are more against the bad they have to deal with, creating a natural friction like the natural conflict of good and bad“- the bad is not in the kids, it’s in the previous generation passed on to the next, and the next, each generation contaminated by the previous generations.

It is not your job to fix the previous generation (your parents). Your job is to fix the damage the previous generations caused you.  You are not alone, Kane. I hope that we can keep talking, if it makes you feel less alone and.. gradually, more and more understood.

“I’m getting too tired to explain more, I leave it at this.“- rest, Kane.

anita

*unsuitable

Dear Kane:

You are welcome, good to read from you again!

“Removing the gift and abilities I have because of this damnable situation, its maddening”– reads like you feel that your family is stifling your talents and abilities, holding you back, and that is causing you significant distress and frustration.

“I can be so happy, I can even settle for a lesser happiness if I were to leave”– reads like you believe that your current environment/ family is the primary barrier to your happiness, and that leaving your family could lead to happiness.

“What they mean to me despite it all, and my need for a ‘family’ in my life is too much to sacrifice”– you acknowledge the importance of family and the emotional need for familial connections. But this need is preventing you from leaving, despite the negative impact on your well-being.

“I have sacrificed enough”– you express a profound sense of exhaustion and a feeling that you have already given up too much for the sake of connection to your family.

“They had lived unconsciously”–  you perceive your family as living without awareness/ intentionality, accepting societal norms and expectations without question.

“My family has adapted to the lifestyle of being okay with how they are cause they know no better”-you feel that your family has settled into a way of life that they have accepted because they are unaware of better alternatives. There’s a lack of aspiration for improvement.

“My mother knows no better, and can’t do no better, not only out of the little time she has supporting us, but of her energy and ability to”– you acknowledge that your mother is limited by her circumstances. She lacks the knowledge, time, energy, and ability to make significant changes,  due to the demands of supporting the family.

“My siblings are still lost in their search of finding what they want in life”– your siblings are struggling to find their direction and purpose in life. This search is ongoing and unresolved.

“In their search that is hurting those around them, each other, mom, and me”– your siblings’ quest for meaning is causing harm to those around them, including their mother,  their actions and behaviors are negatively affecting family dynamics.

“As they aren’t aware or choose to think enough to be aware enough”– you believe that your siblings either lack self-awareness or choose not to reflect deeply on their actions and their impact on others. This lack of awareness exacerbates the family’s struggles.

You are expressing frustration with your family’s acceptance of their current situation, which you view as stagnant and unaspiring. You recognizes that your mother is overburdened and limited by her circumstances, and your siblings are causing harm in their pursuit of direction due to their lack of self-awareness.

“My nature as a learner and curious kid saved and doomed me… I am so different”– your curiosity and desire to learn were both a source of salvation and suffering, making you different from your family, leading to feelings of isolation and conflict.

“I chose to take it at a conscious level every day”– you made a deliberate decision to live with awareness and intentionality, contrasting with what you see as your family’s unconscious way of living.

“Which was stomped on every day till I got in line like them“- despite your efforts to live consciously, you faced constant pressure and suppression from your family who wanted you to conform to their ways.

“As the damage prevented my wisdom and knowledge to have any effect outside of myself”– the psychological and emotional damage inflicted by your family’s suppression limited your ability to apply your wisdom and knowledge in the world, feeling frustrated about wasted potential, and not being able to make a difference.

You express a common, widespread conflict, a conflicts between Authenticity/ Individual Fulfilment and Conformity/ family Obligations.

How to solve this conflict? First, I suggest the following: identify your core values and shift your loyalty from loyalty to your family to => loyalty to your core values.

Prioritize Principles over Personalities.

Second, decide whether to leave your family. This decision is a deeply personal and complex decision that requires careful consideration. If staying is causing you significant emotional and psychological harm, and preventing you from pursuing your own growth, it might be necessary to leave.

Consider whether there is any possibility for improving the family dynamic through communication and setting boundaries. If efforts to create a healthier environment have been exhausted, leaving might be a viable option.

For the purpose of leaving, if that would be your decision, you’d need to ensure that you have a support network outside the family that can offer emotional and practical assistance during the transition.

If you decides to leave, it’s important to do so thoughtfully and respectfully: (1) Ensure this decision is made with clear understanding and not in the heat of emotion, (2) Have a practical plan in place for where you will go, how you will support yourself, and what steps to take for personal growth and well-being,

(3) Have an open and honest conversation with your family about your decision. Explain your feelings and reasons calmly and respectfully, (4) Acknowledge the positive aspects  of your family, and express gratitude for the support and love you have received. This can help preserve relationships and prevent feelings of animosity, (5) Let your family know what kind of contact you are comfortable with moving forward.

I will close this post with a poem I found online. It’s called: ” A Journey to Be Free

In the heart where dreams reside,                      A spirit waits to soar,

Through shadows dark and wide,                       To find an open door.

The weight of chains unspoken,                          Has held you long in place,

But now your heart, awoken,                               Seeks a new and boundless space.

With courage in your stride,                                And hope within your eyes,

You step beyond the tide,                                     To where your true self lies.

Though the path may twist and wind,               And fear may call you back,

In the strength of heart and mind,                     You’ll stay upon your track.

For in the journey lies your truth,                       In every step you take,

You’ll find the wisdom of your youth,                And dreams that will not break.

So go, with grace and fervor,                               Embrace the light ahead,

For in your quest for freedom,                            A vibrant life is spread.

And know, in every heartbeat,                             You carry all you need,

A spirit strong and steadfast,                               In every word and deed.”

anita

Dear Kane: