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Perfect Imperfection; Worth at a Cost?

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  • #439087
    Kane
    Participant

    You have perfect emotional regulation at the cost that you no longer know what you are supposed to let yourself feel, to where you feel close to nothing if you don’t push yourself to, is it worth it?

    I’m living out that question every day, hello, my name is Kane, 18 and wanting change.

    I’ll put it in simplistics: in my understanding of life as I grew up, I understood as my first lesson that at the basis of human knowledge, its crafted by human hand, that everything, had ability to be wrong, incorrect, untrue, inexact, so, I never lived with ‘certainties’, like I was a nice person, or knowing I had everything I wanted, if I was safe, or anything I thought, believed, did, was right, correct, good, anything, it didn’t hurt thanks to me being a kid and not thinking enough in that broad sense you do as you grow up, to where that’s how people develop, having certain intrinsics to them that make them who they are, and mine was simple.

    I enjoyed confusing stuff like this, life, meanings, values, beliefs, only learned the word psychology at 11, and figured out it’s what I wanted to do in life, for all of it, philosophy later, learning about axiology(study of values) even later, I thought “What is the meaning of life?” at around 9 or 8, and came to my answer a year or two later as “Personalization”, that people can be so thoroughgoingly different at such an inherent base that we don’t quite understand to where their goals and desires resonate with them in particular more than others, making their reason of life as different as they are different from you to them, seen and unseen, understood or not.

    These questions and my…unpleasant situation made it so I had to be strong, at first for the future of others I wanted to make, then for the happiness I can bring in others which’ll echo into myself…I learned too late the life I had chosen for myself just what exactly it was, of which it was filled with such consequences to the point that it can doom my future and myself as who I am in the process and replace it with hurt that just wants to further it into the world, to be heard and felt.

    So, to prevent that, and to become the embodiment of immovable object meets unstoppable force, I learned to manage my emotions to such a degree they can disappear with a snap, and flood to where I just…want it to go quiet, which I do.

    I worked into the depths of everything I could, one’s nature, the justification of such nature as it is a reality in our waking to lives, to where it justifies its existence, where will comes from, what makes it up, pros of cons of nature, how bad it is we are not in control of our development, the natural problem between kids and parents being organic and part inorganic…

    So many truths that it was overwhelming and painful to where I cried too much as a kid, to which I hid my pain, even though they made me feel such.

    I logicalized everything to such a degree I justified everything, in its formation into existence and its departure, to where I don’t ever wonder, “Why?“, and sit in the hurt of lack of understanding of what hurt me, because I know why.

    But in doing so, I invalidated my emotions from having agency by denying their impact, a repercussion I learned only relatively recently, and now am trying to partially unlearn as I had to make myself so artificial in this sort of advanced application of morals, beliefs, that I am struggling to advance further in my knowledge, as that is my dependency, for as long as I find the logic, I can do it, and if not…I can’t.

    Inherency to care, to understand, to want relationships, to where I am discontent with life when I don’t have those things, as my nature, all my development gave me the wisdom of life and knowing my future and how I want to handle it, my emotions are chaotic and eating each other, wanting to laugh, to smile, to cry, to scream, to hurt, hurt, and hurt, myself? Others? Don’t know?! To cease until these feelings are gone, even if they never go away, that means I must go away forever.

    Then there’s the wisdom itself, which I nicknamed “Mechanical Morality”, as they are the absolute of truths we struggle to grasp, not only because of their complexity, but of their nature that isn’t in line with not just what we want as humans, as an existence, but of how things operate in their directive of just inherency, a child’s two-sided ability to be a bright light of joy, or of cruelty, how such corrosive evil can exist in our world when we know for ourselves how good “good” feels and to do so, to the quiet unconscious living we drift in and out of, for better or worse.

    These four things smother any individual character from existing, to where everything is the input…and nothing is the output, there’s a limit to how much we can be in a singular moment, and I think my situation isn’t that I hit that limit, I feel that I broke my own…I broke my inherency by grasping all of this to where I have true control, to where my mind can’t handle it, as every action feels in disservice to the other.

    Each counterweight each other to where I can’t be anything, feel like my kindness isn’t genuine or enough communicated to where I feel nothing from it cause it feels like its so little impact, I can’t feel anger or animosity as they are dispelled the instance, I feel them because I understand the inherent flaws in those things, that we are such flawed beings that honestly, almost everything w-

    Everything that comes into reality had its reason towards existing, to where nearly, there’s always a reason, even when there’s not one directly, you could be pushed to do the worst of the worst and still be the kindest person out there, you can be disgusting yet like something pure…

    Our world is filled with contradictions, to where almost nothing is just one thing.

    I’m getting better, as in I’m feeling emotions again with more honesty, but that whole storm is still there, I feel what I have isn’t supposed to be the natural result of my knowledge, but a messed up mix of what I made out of it cause I forced it into a mold of a tool, a coping mechanism to handle something so simple, want to know what it is: it’s just arguing, simple, family, arguments, fools hurting each other and learning to be not receptive of it to where it continues, only being hurt when we make mistakes and don’t understand one another, or when they don’t understand what they done.

    I can’t live without them, yet I so desperately want to, yet I want the family that this one doesn’t feel like it is, that my identification of family is covering up what this one is, not exactly horrible, not the best, just…one that’s stuck in their problems, and is okay with it…in its dysfunctional sense.

    Can’t abandon the emotions, can’t follow the logic, my developed self isn’t anything but the mechanical morality that doesn’t serve an individual, it is a system of the world that gives jurisdiction to everything to do as they please to where it happens, not up to anyone, but done by anyone.

    I want it to end, I want to achieve my dream, I want the happiness I know exists in our world, I want to teach what I learned not in its horrendous mold, but its ability to help us grow into the best of what we can be and more.

    I’m trying to use the emotional aspect to break the balance as inherency is too hard to break, development requires memories, more so things to change me, and I can only think of negative events that can have an effect towards the worse, however, with no truly positive thing I can find, I need to do something drastic…let anger win…as I never allowed myself to experience it fully to where it has jurisdiction over my mind, but, I don’t think I’m left with much option, all I can do…is wait, and get over my deliberations and fear that my family isn’t worth it.

    Thanks for reading, bye.

    #439101
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kane:

    You have perfect emotional regulation at the cost that you no longer know what you are supposed to let yourself feel, to where you feel close to nothing“-

    – seems to me that what you are referring to (feeling close to nothing), is not perfect emotion regulation but dissociation, a disconnection from one’s feelings, which is excessive emotion regulation (a response to trauma).

    A way to remain disconnected from one’s feelings is intellectualizing: focusing on logical analysis to avoid emotional experience.

    You are 18. I am glad you posted and welcome to the forums!

    Would you like to share about the practical aspects of your young life?

    anita

     

    #439104
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kane

    It is nice to meet someone else with a love of psychology! I wish you lots of luck with your dream. You are a bright young man, I’m sure you can achieve whatever you set your mind to. Pursuit of happiness is a worthy goal.

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your family arguing and that it hurts.

    You might be aware because of your interest in psychology that verbal abuse has far reaching effects? Especially when it is received throughout childhood. The negative messages are absorbed by the mind and echo throughout.

    I would recommend speaking to a therapist who would be able to assist you with this, because you expressed a desire to hurt yourself, it is a good idea that you speak to a professional.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #439105
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kane:

    I wasn’t able to read and process most of your original post yesterday afternoon (my time), but I feel more able this Sat morning. I will read a part of your post, respond to it, then read the next part, respond to it, etc.

    hello, my name is Kane, 18 and wanting change“- hello Kane. When I was 18, I wanted to change too. I hope that what needs to change within you and for your benefit, will take place.

    “as I grew up, I understood… that everything, had ability to be wrong, incorrect, untrue, inexact, so, I never lived with ‘certainties’, like I was a nice person”-

    – I didn’t read the next part, so I don’t know yet what you are referring to, but this line rings a bell for me in regard to my own experience growing up. My mother criticized me so many times, criticizing what I said and did, what I didn’t say and should have said. She even criticized the expressions on my face, what (she thought) I thought and felt. Her message to me was that I was Wrong, that I was thinking wrong, feeling wrong, doing things wrong.

    A particular harmful criticism, looking back, was that I was thinking wrong because it led to so much self-doubt over the years and decades. But then her other criticisms were particularly harmful too, leading me to decades of feeling (and thinking) intense guilt and feeling that I wasn’t able to make good choices, so I needed someone else, someone capable to make choices for me (learned helplessness).

    Now back to your post: .. I am reading your words, I get a meaning here and there, but it’s difficult for me to follow (I have ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder) and wordiness (using many more words than what is needed to convey a message, resulting in writing that is not clear and concise) is difficult, and sometimes impossible for me to process. So, I will be skipping most parts that I didn’t understand enough.

    I worked into the depths of everything I could, one’s nature… how bad it is we are not in control of our development, the natural problem between kids and parents being organic and part inorganic… I  logicalized everything to such a degree“- seems to me that there were- and are- personal, concrete problems between you and your parents, but you don’t address these problems. Instead, you have been analyzing general  problems between parents and kids and in the  abstract. I made a comment yesterday in my reply to you about intellectualizing because that’s what I sensed you were doing in your post.

    psychology today/ intellectualization: “Intellectualization is a defense mechanism in which people reason about a problem to avoid uncomfortable or distressing emotions. For example… A man who lost his wife may focus all of his energy on funeral arrangements and logistics instead of acknowledging his grief. By channeling mental energy into a logical assessment or abstract discussion, an individual can avoid painful emotions or remain distanced from beliefs that challenge their sense of self”.

    Even though it takes intelligence to intellectualize (you are an intelligent young person), intellectualization blocks understanding because it (intellectualization) is about avoiding emotional awareness. There is an equation of sorts that my therapist, a decade ago, presented to me: Wise Mind= Rational Mind + Emotional Mind.

    Back to your post: “I cried too much as a kid, to which I hid my pain, even though they made me feel such“- you cried as a boy growing up because you were in pain, and they (your parents, I assume) inflicted pain on you..?

    “I invalidated my emotions from having agency by denying their impact… I am struggling to advance further in my knowledge, as that is my dependency, for as long as I find the logic, I can do it, and if not…I can’t“- your emotions need to be validated. You cannot be wise by logic alone: wisdom= logic+ emotions.

    my emotions are chaotic and eating each other, wanting to laugh, to smile, to cry, to scream, to hurt, hurt, and hurt, myself? Others? Don’t know?!“- this is similar to what I experienced when I was your age, before and a long time after. No wonder I was so exhausted, particularly as a teenager and in my early 20s when I still lived with my mother. To have emotions chaotic and eating each other is indeed.. exhausting. (The way I used to relax, to calm the emotions down, was to daydream. It’s called maladaptive daydreaming because I did so much of it, throughout the day).

    Looking back, this was what my emotional chaos was about: I was in emotional pain, but my focus was on my mother’s pain. My empathy was with her. She accused me of causing her pain, of being the Problem. So, I was against the Problem= against myself. But I didn’t only feel empathy for her, I also felt anger/ hate for her. I was conflicted (empathy & hate), hence the chaos.

    Persistent Conflict=> Emotional Chaos=> Exhaustion.

    I felt that I deserved to be in pain for being the Problem, but on the other hand, part of me (the part that felt innocent of her accusations) was fighting for itself, pointing to my mother as the Problem.

    My peace of mind, the calming of the chaos, happened after I finally took my side and believed, thoroughly believed, that in the context of my mother- myself, she was the Guilty one, I was the Good one.

    Back to your post: “Then there’s the wisdom itself, which I nicknamed ‘Mechanical Morality’, as they are the absolute of truths we struggle to grasp… a child’s two-sided ability to be a bright light of joy, or of cruelty“- I wish I was able to understand this part. Can you/ will you explain this to me as simply and clearly as you can, as if you are explaining this to a young child who cannot follow abstract, complex wording?

    As a matter of fact, you can help yourself perhaps, if you simplify your writing and express yourself through words that a child will use. (I used to intellectualize.. a lot. Simplified, direct writing made my healing possible).

    “Each counterweight each other to where I can’t be anything, feel like my kindness isn’t genuine”- You can’t place your emotions in rational, intellectualized containers and feel genuine. The emotions placed in the containers (repressed & suppressed) are not calm emotions. They demand to be let out, do they?

    Everything that comes into reality had its reason towards existing, to where nearly, there’s always a reason, even when there’s not one directly, you could be pushed to do the worst of the worst and still be the kindest person out there, you can be disgusting yet like something pure“- yes, there is always reasons why people do bad things. Reasons do not equal justifications. And it is true that every person who repeatedly harms another was once innocent and was harmed himself/ herself by someone else. And so, abuse has been spreading around like fire, since the beginning of times.

    I used to think that my thoughts (thoughts that I felt were unacceptable) were indications that I was a bad person, and that my anger- and the thoughts fueled by my anger- were also indications that I was a bad person. I didn’t know that people are neither good nor bad for the content of their thoughts, nor for the quality of their feelings. People are good or bad for what they say/ type and for their actions. This means that even when my feelings are not.. pretty, so to speak, as long as I choose to help/ to do no harm.. I am a good person.

    I typed above, “a good person”. A Person, not a Saint. There are no saints in human form. I can’t think of a saint in any form. Only the other day I found myself gossiping about a person whose behavior I disapprove of (objectively, objectionable behaviors), and I am still trying to figure out what I should do about my anger at him. My anger is not at all an indication that I am a good or bad person. What I choose to say and do, as a good (and imperfect/ unsaintly) person, is the question.

    Our world is filled with contradictions, to where almost nothing is just one thing“- when I took my side, some things were.. just one thing. The little girl that I was, was just this one thing: a good little girl that loved her mother deeply, and would have done anything and everything to help her mother. And she did all that she was able to do to help her mother.

    I’m getting better, as in I’m feeling emotions again with more honesty“- good to read that you are getting better, feeling your emotions with more honesty.

    “but that whole storm is still there… it’s just arguing, simple, family, arguments, fools hurting each other“- who is hurting you, and how?

    I can’t live without them, yet I so desperately want to, yet I want the family that this one doesn’t feel like it is… not exactly horrible, not the best… I need to do something drastic.. let anger win“- there is a positive, healthy message behind your anger: to live away from your family, a family who has been horrible enough to cause a good, loving boy to desperately want to live away from them..?

    anita

    #439148
    Kane
    Participant

    Thank you all for your kind words and understanding, each of you, I’ll tackle each one of your questions with the proper accommodations, I’ll try my best to properly describe it into more exact details:

    Anita: By practical, do you mean the positive effects of all, this, of my knowledge? Cause I don’t have much in my life besides small visits to family, for events and holidays, and school(which I love), please be more specific, as for the previously mentioned, I had to learn to get to my emotions in another format, I learned to take what little I feel in the emotional aspect and create a sort of replica logically? If that makes sense at all, I’m not sure how to properly describe it, it’s basically removing the intensity for simply understanding how much of it I feel and of what emotion, as I learned emotional regulation naturally, along with not expressing myself as my emotions did nothing for us, and the same went for my family; perfect doesn’t mean nothing from what it is against, for it to regulate, emotion needs to exist alongside it.  It’s not there to rid me of emotion, although that is very well what it was doing in the beginning as my problems were shaping when I was too young to properly handle them, just in tears they were handled, and with my wisdom this life granted me.  Thank you for your kindness and welcome, I am gratefulreally.

    Helcat: Happy to also see one, thanks for your care and consideration, I had a therapist when starting a year or two ago, they mostly handled kids, essentially anyone under teenagerhood, however, they mostly just gave a space to be heard along with advice on how to healthfully ignore and mechanisms to stay calm like breathing, tactics like focusing on other things, etc, these tools weren’t useless, but they kind of dulled over the time of my problem advancing with my age.  As a kid they were too much, yes, and I let them overwhelm, but now, it’s less the negativity in its nature and more so how it is 10 to 1 a part of my life I just had to learn to tune out, which most people do, but doing that rejects your ability to learn from it and stop it from happening again, although in my situation, that’s not really possible.  And the arguing wasn’t towards me, it was parent vs parent, soon it evolved to just any arguing between anyone in my family because of how it’s just their emotions clashing, with little to anything actually communicated at times, which has been getting somewhat better, but that’s all.

     

    Anita: Sorry for the complicated word use, and I’m also sorry you had a hard upbringing as well, hope it’s better now at least somewhat. I have been having trouble communicating the advanced part with the simple part in a matter others will understand, I’ll try my best to condense the points you said: I had to learn to make reasons justification as people did things so easily without care in how they chose to live unconsciously towards what they wanted, both my siblings and my parents although at first, my parents argued, my dad being the aggressive and cursing one.

    I couldn’t handle the emotional pain so I looked into the why of them being like that, and I learned more, causing the pain to increase but also dull in a weird sense as the reasoning became smaller in my eyes, and this cycle only grew as I did, I had undecidedly obsessed over it cause family was truly my everything, nothing else I had I could honestly care for more than them, and as a kid, rarely did you ever know something like that you’d want to work towards getting.

    I learned they were okay with it on an unconscious level, and I wasn’t at a conscious one, being mindful and aware was me, I knew that I cared too much as that was another factor to why it hurt so bad, as I wanted nothing but to help others achieve happiness, I felt I couldn’t have on my own, that rarely anyone could on their independent self.

    I had to learn to be okay with it, even though I’m not, I had to understand that I loved something that hurt me, and that even knowing that, they still continued to do what they did, what I felt wasn’t enough, what level of pain I couldn’t communicate wasn’t enough, and the fact that only later I learned they couldn’t do anything about it, and had learned to be okay with it.

    I didn’t, I couldn’t, their lives could continue in this lesser form with little enjoyment because it didn’t take from their lives at all cause that’s the level of their lives they took seriously, I didn’t, I wanted to work to make me, and them, as happy as life could allow.

    The pain of my life is essentially at every turn, none of my life is the intention I want for it, I didn’t have a choice to care for them this much, yet I do, and I can’t even do that without feedback of them being in this state of causing problems for each other small and large, getting on their nerves and arguing as a result, the problem of a sole parent and her kids(7, me included), I didn’t choose to have my life held back by all this, but my emotions demand something out of all this, happiness? How could I have that without them when they are my everything? I could barely find contentment on my own, anger? How in the hell is that supposed to be expressed when all that does to them is make them annoyed as they don’t like the situation yet choose to live in it every day, because they don’t know what to do about it, yet make so little effort because my mom doesn’t know what to do to be effective.

    These problems festered at a young age and were allowed to grow with them to this age cause that’s the level of parenting they did, and still is.

    I had to learn to love them in spite of this, in spite of my anger, animosity, and crazed-

    Getting off topic, essentially, I learned all this advanced stuff cause not only did it interest me, but I could utilize it in my mental & emotional battle against this

    I couldn’t be mad at them being incapable to handle the situation, yet they didn’t take it seriously at the start, letting it get out of hand, so I did all I could, adapt.

    Fall, cry, adapt, till I knew enough to where the arguing didn’t hurt as much as they did, and my standard of living had become like them…unconscious.

    Yet I remain to witness my life forcefully altered because they-don’t-respect the idea that their actions have consequences on others, none of them, not my mom, not my siblings, no one…

    Like a spectator watching the string dance.

    Your right, I am ignoring this, because it has hit a wall, and no one is “adult” in handling it, and I couldn’t validate my emotions and act on them cause they are too intense now, cause there’s so much, and any time I try, it feels like my body is flooding stress into my body as thoughts become crazed and rushed, trying to make me do something I’ll regret, and I had to learn to make this “system” to handle it.

    “Mechanical Morality”, is the truths of the world we tend to miss, for example, the natural conflict between parents and kids I consider to be is that kids represent the incomplete nature of the child, as they validate the bad against them and the good for them to where the parents are more against the bad they have to deal with, creating a natural friction like the natural conflict of good and bad.

    I’m getting too tired to explain more, I leave it at this.

    #439154
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kane:

    You are very welcome, and thank you for being gracious and expressing your appreciation.

    Anita: By practical…  I don’t have much in my life besides small visits to family, for events and holidays, and school (which I love), please be more specific“- I meant just that, which you mentioned: you go to school (away from home, I figure), and you visit your family for events and holidays. I suppose that outside of interacting with your family and with teachers and other students, you don’t have a social life, no hanging out with friends, having parties…? Young people such as yourself need regular positive social connection with others, to not be alone for too long.

    I had to learn to get to my emotions in another format, I learned to take what little I feel in the emotional aspect and create a sort of replica logically?“- I think that everyone who is capable of thinking does this. It’s a matter of balance: to think and to be aware of what we feel and what valid messages are behind what we feel.

    Anita: Sorry for the complicated word use, and I’m also sorry you had a hard upbringing as well, hope it’s better now at least somewhat“- no need to apologize for the words you use, and thank you for your empathy, much appreciated. Yes, things are better now.

    “both my siblings and my parents although at first, my parents argued, my dad being the aggressive and cursing one. I couldn’t handle the emotional pain so I looked into the why… I had undecidedly obsessed over it cause family was truly my everything”-

    – you loved them so much that you needed them to be happy, but they were unhappy, arguing, your father cursing. Siblings arguing too. Like any kid, you needed a safe, calm happy home. And like so many of us, you didn’t get what you needed. I am sorry, Kane.

    I knew that I cared too much as that was another factor to why it hurt so bad, as I wanted nothing but to help others achieve happiness“- I read this part after I typed the above. Your love for your parents, for your family, is and has been.. Perfect (referring to the perfect in the title of your thread).

    This is my experience too, perfectly loving my mother (my parents divorced early and I lived with my mother).

    I had to understand that I loved something that hurt me, and that even knowing that, they still continued to do what they did“- when love hurts.. when loving is a source of pain..

    I wanted to work to make me, and them, as happy as life could allow“- that was my lifetime dream for decades: to work (and.. to get rich) so to make my mother happy.

    Happiness? How could I have that without them when they are my everything?“- I did not allow myself to be happy until I made my mother happy first. I would have felt too guilty to be happy and leave her alone in misery.

    I had to learn to love them in spite of this, in spite of my anger, animosity and crazed“- I think you loved them from the beginning, from the beginning of your life. The anger came later.

    “Fall, cry, adapt, till I knew enough to where the arguing didn’t hurt as much as they did, and my standard of living had become like them…unconscious… they-don’t-respect the idea that their actions have consequences on others, none of them, not my mom, not my siblings, no one..”-

    – my mother didn’t respect the idea that her actions had consequences on me. She didn’t understand, or care to understand that I was human. Not a feelings-less thing.

    Like a spectator watching the string dance“- if I wrote a book about my life, I would title it Spectator (an unhappy spectator).

    Your right, I am ignoring this, because it has hit a wall, and no one is ‘adult’ in handling it, and I couldn’t validate my emotions and act on them cause they are too intense now, cause there’s so much, and any time I try, it feels like my body is flooding stress into my body as thoughts become crazed and rushed, trying to make me do something I’ll regret, and I had to learn to make this ‘system’ to handle it“-

    – I don’t adequately understand this ‘system’, but as long as you need it to handle life, please keep this system going.

    I understand what you mean by no one is ‘adult’.

    Mechanical Morality”, is the truths of the world we tend to miss, for example, the natural conflict between parents and kids…. where the parents are more against the bad they have to deal with, creating a natural friction like the natural conflict of good and bad“- the bad is not in the kids, it’s in the previous generation passed on to the next, and the next, each generation contaminated by the previous generations.

    It is not your job to fix the previous generation (your parents). Your job is to fix the damage the previous generations caused you.  You are not alone, Kane. I hope that we can keep talking, if it makes you feel less alone and.. gradually, more and more understood.

    I’m getting too tired to explain more, I leave it at this.“- rest, Kane.

    anita

    #439161
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kane

    Thank you for your kindness as well! 😊

    It is important for you to be safe. Your life is very precious. Feeling like you want to hurt yourself is never a good place to be. I hope that you take extra special care of yourself while you feel hurt.

    It’s good to hear that you’re open to seeking therapy and that you have previous experience with a child therapist. There is a very large difference between child therapy and adult therapy. I think that now you are an adult you will get a lot more benefit from it. For children, therapists don’t encourage you to do intense work. It is very light. I also had therapy as a child and again as an adult this is why I can say that adult therapy is a lot better. I hope that you will find adult therapy much more helpful!

    I think something that might benefit you would be to plan to move out of your family home when you can manage it. The purpose would be to be away from the arguing. What do you think about this idea?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

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