Hi everyone,

I’m so happy to have come across Tiny Buddha, everybody here is so genuine and it brings me a kind of warmth to find replies not only to my posts, but for others that are struggling with their day to day lives as well.

Anyway..

I ran away from home when I was 15 years old due to cultural issues, and have been living independently since. I managed to graduate high school and have been working entry level jobs to keep up with the bills etc. I finally started college this September as I have been seeking change of some sort and I guess some sort of accomplishment / room for advancement type thing..

Basically, I am used to doing things on my own, but it only just recently hit me that I actually feel really lonely. Maybe perhaps even afraid of it. I really scrutinize how I feel when I’m out and about doing chores like grocery shopping. The trip there and back is basically only walking distance, but my anxiety gets so bad I even pretend to be talking on my cell phone with someone…

I have a lot of things I want to do. For instance, I want to learn how to swim, but part of me is saying I’m too old nobody at 22 takes swimming lessons. Same with wanting to go to the gym, for some reason I am always trying to persuade a friend to go with me instead of just taking the initiative to just go on my own.

Many of said to just “do it” but for me , it’s not as simple as just going to do it. In fact, earlier this evening I sat for about 2 hours contemplating as to whether I would go to the mall to do my homework or to do it at home. Literally sitting down thinking the same thing over and over again. It’s hard to kick myself out of that mindset of just thinking. Indecisiveness is a thing but sitting for 2 hours, I’m not so sure. Sometimes I can do it all day, to the point where I am overwhelmed with thoughts of stuff I need to do and I end up becoming a hermit staying inside and becoming more and more depressed at my lack of efforts / lack of productivity.

Another thing I have noticed to is that I am a crazy perfectionist. I have to have things a certain way or else it is not good enough. It’s all or nothing for me. I remember one time in grade 8 there was a huge socials project we had to do, and the day before the due date, I completely destroyed my visual and accepted a 0 as a mark instead of getting what probably would have been an okay mark..

This is starting to become a pattern and I don’t want it to start effecting my life to the point where I don’t even attempt trying anymore. Is this a normal thing for your 20’s? Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do to start doing things?
What am I afraid of, if anything? Failure and Loneliness? I don’t know.

I AM independent, but I’m not.

Thanks in advance for all of your input. I don’t have any family I can talk to, and the majority of people my age that live here are all party animals and could care less, as harsh as that sounds. I’ve had people say that I don’t look depressed or lonely or sad and that I should be thankful that I can even afford a place at my age.. It’s not even that I’m not thankful, but I’m exhausted of having to explain to people who don’t have any understanding..