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Please guys, I really need your advice. Break up and third party situation

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This topic contains 18 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #345104

    Anna
    Participant

    My whole problem begins with a breakup. please don’t judge me. I know it is an everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but
    I have had a boyfriend for four years. He was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn’t have to force anything. Everyone around us was saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long-distance relationship. An hour’s plane rides away, but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time.
    it was good so that we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after University, to come where he is and work there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.
    Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break. I didn’t agree because I don’t believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that, he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was that the distance was too much. We had only six months left until I come there. One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was, and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up, they started seeing each other. They went on weekends together (that fast). They were buying gifts for each other. They even went public.
    I had my doubts since the beginning, but he was always denying them and lying. Then he confessed to me and said she was only sex (yes, we were communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship). Six months later, she told him she wanted a relationship. He said to her that he couldn’t let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And we were on a track to get together again and I am in a town 40minutes away from him (as our plan was). He showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me, and she says, ‘Oh give it a month with her, and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sight.’
    I know I shouldn’t have, but I have read their conversations. And the times when he would contact me during our breakup, were either the times when they were fighting or the times when she said she wanted to become more serious. But they were fighting all the time, with bad words and everything that we never ever did. We were always communicating. She even said that she will move for him in another country (because she lives where I live, so it is still long distance). He said that he never considered her as serious until pne month ago. He said that he remembered the time with her, and he doesn’t feel good. I don’t know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away. He said that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out, and that he sees future with me, not with her, but that he has some internal issues he has to work on and want to :break up: again. Only to find out he was communicating with her and now still is, after our final break up. When I asked him, he said no I don’t communicate with her. But he was lying. He called me three days ago to ask how I am and to tell me that he has been crying and misses me and sees me as his wife. But that was it. and last night he called me. Confessed that he is communicating with her, and that she is talking **** about me (but he didnt say what he is talking about me).. he says he is not confirming those words because he knows they are not true but still listens to them. Someone who knows me for 5 years gets on the side of the person he knows for 5 months.. Its like my best friend betrayed me. He says that she is not that interesting to him anymore, that they argue every other day, but they keep communicating because he doesnt want to be alone and he is bored, but that they have been talking about starting a relationship. He says he imagines his future only with me but that’s it. The conversation ended that way. He says all this but still chooses her at the end of the day…
    I keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love . and laughing at me… Whenever I watch a movie or read a book about new love starting or love at first sign and everything that follows, I imagine the two of them. Don’t get me wrong, I am a girl with hobbies. I paint, I play the piano, I cycle, I hike, I love reading books, I learn new language right now… but they are in my mind. And all I want is to go to sleep because then my mind is silent. If , of course, I dont dream about them being happy. After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him. He was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too, and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicidal thoughts. I stopped hanging out with people. This goes deeper because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer.
    I grow up learning how to take care of myself, and I was quite an individualistic person until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like hey, relationships can work. Someone can take care of me. I never expected anything like this from him. Never, ever. So I had a depression episode. I took antidepressants, but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus. I feel like I am not good enough. Like he saw for the second time what am I VS what she is and decided she is better in so many way. Even when I was 40minutes away from him and she was 1000km away. Me and her don’t have one thing in common, which makes me feel like he has wanted someone like her this whole time. Like he now realised he was with the wrong person this whole time (me). I feel so not worth it, I feel like she is better then me in everything, I became obsessed with her. She is prettier. She is more interesting. She is four years older than both of us. She always has make-up on, her character is flirty and somewhat manipulative and I know she talks bad things about me because she is so upset that he was mentioning me all the time. She is everything I am not. I see her everywhere I go, I dream of them together… I can’t let this go, it hurts so much. And I am so scared that they will work out, I am so scared I feel like my soulmate has another soulmate. It hurts so much, because I love him. I don’t feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts. I don’t recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine; this hair is not mine, so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person. I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can’t stand myself. He was my best friend, we did everything , literally everything together. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships, and I envy them. I feel so guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy, but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now. I feel like I am not worth it because, after a night of meeting her, he decided she is worth throwing our relationship away. And they also became real close fast. They went on weekends together. They bought each other presents. He even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her. Something he has never done for me, and I was always asking for. I feel like she is everything he wanted, while I was a work in progress, struggling with my depression because of the break up and not being interesting enough. She practices yoga, is slimmer and more elastic than me, funnier, she hasn’t been with him through a lot and theirs is new, without the habit or the burden. I feel like such a weight to people and I feel like “of course he would choose her”

    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by  tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by  tinybuddha.
    #345148

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    “Me and her don’t have one thing in common,”- you and her have him in common, and that’s not a good thing for you or for her.

    “which makes me feel like he has wanted someone like her this whole time”- more likely he was fine with you, then saw her and wanted her too. Imagine him with a strawberry ice cream, having a lot of it, enjoying it very much.. then he sees cherry ice cream and tries that, he likes it and wants more of that. He still likes strawberry, but maybe he likes cherry better for  now. Later he may try chocolate ice cream and like it better than cherry and strawberry.

    “Like he now realized he was with the wrong person this whole time (me)”- I don’t think so, not from what you shared. I think he simply likes another flavor now, and later, he will like another.

    “I feel like she is better than me in everything”- no she isn’t. If she was better than you in everything, she would have chosen a different man for a boyfriend, one who doesn’t lie and who can be trusted.

    You are letting your imagination hijack you when you “keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love, and laughing at me.. new love starting or love at fist sight.. I imagine the two of them”- reality is that you checked their conversations and you have evidence (vs. imagination) that “they were fighting all the time, with  bad words and everything”.

    Question is are you willing to let go of fantasy/ your imaginings/ your obsession, and see him as he is:  not a prince charming at the end of a fairytale book, walking forevermore into the sunset., “and they lived happily ever after. The End”.

    Close that fairytale/ fiction book, and open a different book, a nonfiction book, a reality book, and start at The Beginning.

    anita

     

    #345460

    Anna
    Participant

    I feel like they’re soulmates because he choose her over me, risking to lose everything we planned and had, even for the second time now in February. He didn’t fight for me as much as he did for her. Even despite the arguing and bad words – he chooses her. And she is also very determined to have him…

    I am so scared, I keep dreaming of them, during the day I keep imagining them. She will be getting goodmorning/goodnight texts, she will now about his everyday life or deepest secrets. I wont be the one he shares all this with anymore. I miss knowing him, I miss the little things he did.

    I am reading a lot about breakups and situations like mine, and I am following the advices as much as I can but it is not getting better. I feel like I hate her and like I want to punch him, and I dont wanna be like this. I dont want to be a hateful person.

    And I am so afraid that right now I am telling myself that I am okay, and then after some time, I see a picture or I see them together and I think I will fall aparat and will have to pass this proccess again.

    I can’t seem to accept the fact that he may met the girl he wants to be during he was with me. How do I start doing that?

    I am not a person who gets attached or close to people easily, but he is. And he is 25 but she is 30, so I feel like if they start a relationship it will lead to moving together or marriage and I cant take that, I cant live with that reality.

    #345482

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    Regarding the beginning relationship with the other girl, he denied it at first: “he was always denying.. and lying. Then he confessed and said she was only sex… He said that he never… He said that he remembered… He said that he wants to end up… he said no I don’t communicate with her. But he was lying. He called me.. to tell me that he was crying… he says he is not.. He says that she is not.. He says he imagines his future… He says all this”-

    You wrote yourself that he was always denying what is true and that he lied to you (I boldfaced it above). Doesn’t it means that anything of what he said, told and confessed to you may be a lie…

    I counted TEN  “he said” and “said” (italicized above)-  what if what he said and said and said.. and confessed and told.. and said and said and said to you.. was not true…

    What I am saying is that before you conclude that you are not worthy because he chose her, and that she is more worthy than you because he chose her, think: is he a man who is worthy to determine your worth, and her worth in comparison to you?

    Maybe he is good looking, but he lies and he thinks it is okay to use a woman for sex (he “said she was only sex), so he is not a wonderful person, is he.

    Do you think it’s okay to lie so much and use a woman for sex?

    anita

     

    #345488

    Anna
    Participant

    I think he is just telling me that its a sex thing , but I think they are far more serious, that is something I cant seem to accept

    #345490

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    I am trying and will be trying to help you feel better, to stop obsessing and instead, arrive to some peace of mind, acceptance and calm. Therefore I ask: what bothers you way more than the relationship ending, is that he chose another woman over you, true?

    anita

    #345492

    Anna
    Participant

    Leaving me , and leaving me for another woman. We had plans that were just about to be realised, our families were close, we were best friends and its not just in my imagination. I have like the anxious feeling that he met his soulmate while he was in a relationship with me, who is my complete opposite and realised that she is more worth it to fight over and that complete opposite is what he actually wanted, not me. I am scared because they got close so easily that quick. And I am deeply hurt that both of them talk about me in a bad way. He says its only her but I dont know what is he telling her so that she can talk that way and be comfortable to talk that way about his ex relationship. We were closer than what this end made us look, I feel like she is the girlfriend and I am the third party.. also him telling me that he still sees future only with me.. i cant accept the fact that he is happy with her

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    #345500

    Anna
    Participant

    I am sorry that I am such a mess up

    #345506

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    You wrote earlier: “I went through a lot in my childhood”, and: “my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died of lung cancer. I grew up learning how to take care of myself, and I was quite an individualistic person until I met him”-

    – I think that the suffering you are experiencing now has to do with what happened in your childhood more than what happened recently. What happened in regard to this long distance (an hour plane flight away), activated your powerful emotional experience as a child, and this is why you are suffering so much now, and why you can hardly think clearly and logically.

    As a child, you were left alone, neglected, not attended to in positive ways (being listened to, being treated empathetically, affectionately, kindly), while someone else got the positive attention that you didn’t get.

    Fast forward, this woman is getting some positive attention from your long distance ex boyfriend, you are not, and the hurt and anger of your childhood gets activated.

    The solution therefore is not in obsessing on this adult relationship, but in paying attention to what happened long ago. You may not feel like doing that, and it may feel easier to stay obsessed on this one thing, but what will make you feel better is directing your attention to the origin of your current suffering.

    Will you tell me about your childhood experience, how you got negative attention (physical abuse) from your father, and perhaps you didn’t get positive attention (being listened to, being treated with kindness)  fr0m either father or mother,  while someone else got their positive attention?

    anita

     

    #345514

    Anna
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I never felt like they were giving the attention to someone else, because they didnt. I also never felt jealous at other girls for getting attention from their parents or having something I didnt. I have an older sister and she has been through the same. One thing that I know for fact is from my mother is the feeling that everything is my fault and that no matter how good I am, I am never good enough. I would get A’s and she wouldn’t be satisfied and would give an example of someone else who did something better. Or I dont know, for example five years ago when my sister broke up with her boyfriend she said ‘oh what did you do this time, did they left you because you are stubborn and a bit overweight?’ Unlike my sister I knew how to conflict her about comments like this, but they were there while growing up. I recognize that now and during college.

    And I have learn to do everything by myself, meaning check my own homework, find scholarships throughout education, choose my university and study field, pay bills, learning how to cope with loses throughout my life on my own. And I was, I think I still am, okay with that. That is why I connected with him so much, because for the first time I learned to lean on someone else, I learned to share and I learned to ask for help. I used to do everything by myself before and by falling in love with him and he becoming my best friend I said hey, relationships can work see? We were always talking how easy it is between us, how we are soulmates and we have everything planned about our future. I went through a lot with him because he also has a hard family situation

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    #345524

    Anna
    Participant

    And it felt like that throughout the 4 years together. I would never in a million years say that he would do something like this to me. Something that involves another woman and lying to her about me and talking bad with her about me.  I honestly feel like if he has another girlfriend now, it would be easier for me. But not this girl, not someone compleeeetely different he met while we were together and not someone who was the reason for him to break up with me twice.

    #345538

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    You wrote that when you were a child your mother caused you to feel that “no matter how good I am, I am never good enough. I would get A’s and she wouldn’t be satisfied and would give me an example of someone else who did something better”-

    –  that someone else who “did something better” is the girlfriend that your boyfriend chose to replace you with. When your mother criticized you and compared you so someone better than you, she instilled  in you a great hurt for not being good enough, and a terrible jealousy for whomever it was that she thought was better than you.

    Fast forward, you are now focused and obsessed with that current someone who is “everything he wanted, while I was a work in progress.. She practices yoga, is slimmer and more elastic than me, funnier..”.

    You wrote regarding your parents: “I never felt like they were giving the attention to someone else, because they didn’t”- when your mother compared you to other girls your age, pointing to you that you are not being good enough, but the other girl is good enough, in those comments, she gave you negative attention/ disapproval and she gave her positive attention/ approval.

    “I also never felt jealous at other girls for getting attention from their parents or having something I didn’t”- you felt jealous at other girls for getting, not their mother’s attention, but your mother’s attention (her approval of the other girls vs her disapproval of you). The other girls had something you didn’t have: your mother’s approval as being good enough.

    You wrote more, but I want to pause here and get your reaction to what I wrote so far.

    anita

    #345540

    Anna
    Participant

    I started crying, I never saw this from that perspective. All I did these month was crying over him, losing someone who loved me and took care of me for once, someone who said I am the one. These days I am crying of the thought that they are happy and she is the one , not me..

     

    how can I work on this? I really want to feel better, because right now I do think that if I was more physically active and going out more and prettier , I would still have him. Right now all I think is that if I was a bit like her.. at least a bit, I would still have him. I also dont think I will find someone who will love me like they did and who will take care of me like they did.. and I cant keep crying everyday, I dont have focus, I cant concentrate on anything else but how they will start living together and be happier than we were and that he will start questioning why did he stayed so long in a relationship with me..

    I think that If I see them engaged or living together, I wil kill myself. I cant handle that

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Anna.
    #345546

    Anna
    Participant

    Thank you so much for taking time to read my drama and answer me, I am really really thankful 🙂

    #345556

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    You are welcome. You can see now, as an adult (and probably since you were a teenager) that your mother did wrong criticizing you and your sister. You can see your mother’s wrongdoings now, and if she criticizes you now for something she never did before, it may not affect you so badly, you may doubt her.

    But when you were a young child, within your first decade of life, you didn’t doubt your mother. For a young child, her mother is god, all knowing, all .. everything. What she said- you automatically believed.

    As a child, you loved your mother completely, you wanted nothing more than to be good enough in her mind and heart. So when she told you that you were not good enough, and that other girls your age were good enough, that created an emotional injury in you hurt a whole lot and for a long time.

    When this man, your ex boyfriend, un-chose you and chose another young woman, it re-activated that emotional injury, opened that wound and it hurts again, a whole lot.

    What to  do now: heal that injury. Unfortunately it will take you many months, probably a few years to heal that injury, if you work hard and if you persist working hard.

    Of course you want to feel good now (and you can feel good now, here and there, for example when you take a hot bath, or watch a good movie, etc.. But the injury will not and cannot disappear.

    Best place to do emotional healing is in quality psychotherapy. In these days of social distancing, this is not likely. In better times, many can’t afford it, or don’t want to do the hard work, start and quit.. or find themselves with a psychotherapist who is not good at what she/he does.

    Here, in the context of your thread, I am willing to help you best I can, over time.

    Notice this: even if you do feel better now, or soon, and you “get it” rationally that you were good enough all along (and you were!), even if for a moment you feel good enough, the feeling of not being good enough, the hurt, the anger, the jealousy.. all these will return again and again, and hurt a lot, again and again. I know, because it happened to me and I’ve seen it happen with hundreds of people.

    No magical solution, only time and hard, persistent work, to not give up when you feel badly, when you believe once again, that you are not good enough, but keep going nonetheless.

    If you are interested, I am here.

    anita

     

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