My whole problem begins with a breakup. please don’t judge me. I know it is an everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but
I have had a boyfriend for four years. He was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn’t have to force anything. Everyone around us was saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long-distance relationship. An hour’s plane rides away, but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time.
it was good so that we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after University, to come where he is and work there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.
Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break. I didn’t agree because I don’t believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that, he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was that the distance was too much. We had only six months left until I come there. One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was, and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up, they started seeing each other. They went on weekends together (that fast). They were buying gifts for each other. They even went public.
I had my doubts since the beginning, but he was always denying them and lying. Then he confessed to me and said she was only sex (yes, we were communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship). Six months later, she told him she wanted a relationship. He said to her that he couldn’t let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And we were on a track to get together again and I am in a town 40minutes away from him (as our plan was). He showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me, and she says, ‘Oh give it a month with her, and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sight.’
I know I shouldn’t have, but I have read their conversations. And the times when he would contact me during our breakup, were either the times when they were fighting or the times when she said she wanted to become more serious. But they were fighting all the time, with bad words and everything that we never ever did. We were always communicating. She even said that she will move for him in another country (because she lives where I live, so it is still long distance). He said that he never considered her as serious until pne month ago. He said that he remembered the time with her, and he doesn’t feel good. I don’t know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away. He said that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out, and that he sees future with me, not with her, but that he has some internal issues he has to work on and want to :break up: again. Only to find out he was communicating with her and now still is, after our final break up. When I asked him, he said no I don’t communicate with her. But he was lying. He called me three days ago to ask how I am and to tell me that he has been crying and misses me and sees me as his wife. But that was it. and last night he called me. Confessed that he is communicating with her, and that she is talking **** about me (but he didnt say what he is talking about me).. he says he is not confirming those words because he knows they are not true but still listens to them. Someone who knows me for 5 years gets on the side of the person he knows for 5 months.. Its like my best friend betrayed me. He says that she is not that interesting to him anymore, that they argue every other day, but they keep communicating because he doesnt want to be alone and he is bored, but that they have been talking about starting a relationship. He says he imagines his future only with me but that’s it. The conversation ended that way. He says all this but still chooses her at the end of the day…
I keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love . and laughing at me… Whenever I watch a movie or read a book about new love starting or love at first sign and everything that follows, I imagine the two of them. Don’t get me wrong, I am a girl with hobbies. I paint, I play the piano, I cycle, I hike, I love reading books, I learn new language right now… but they are in my mind. And all I want is to go to sleep because then my mind is silent. If , of course, I dont dream about them being happy. After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him. He was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too, and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicidal thoughts. I stopped hanging out with people. This goes deeper because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer.
I grow up learning how to take care of myself, and I was quite an individualistic person until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like hey, relationships can work. Someone can take care of me. I never expected anything like this from him. Never, ever. So I had a depression episode. I took antidepressants, but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus. I feel like I am not good enough. Like he saw for the second time what am I VS what she is and decided she is better in so many way. Even when I was 40minutes away from him and she was 1000km away. Me and her don’t have one thing in common, which makes me feel like he has wanted someone like her this whole time. Like he now realised he was with the wrong person this whole time (me). I feel so not worth it, I feel like she is better then me in everything, I became obsessed with her. She is prettier. She is more interesting. She is four years older than both of us. She always has make-up on, her character is flirty and somewhat manipulative and I know she talks bad things about me because she is so upset that he was mentioning me all the time. She is everything I am not. I see her everywhere I go, I dream of them together… I can’t let this go, it hurts so much. And I am so scared that they will work out, I am so scared I feel like my soulmate has another soulmate. It hurts so much, because I love him. I don’t feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts. I don’t recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine; this hair is not mine, so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person. I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can’t stand myself. He was my best friend, we did everything , literally everything together. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships, and I envy them. I feel so guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy, but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now. I feel like I am not worth it because, after a night of meeting her, he decided she is worth throwing our relationship away. And they also became real close fast. They went on weekends together. They bought each other presents. He even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her. Something he has never done for me, and I was always asking for. I feel like she is everything he wanted, while I was a work in progress, struggling with my depression because of the break up and not being interesting enough. She practices yoga, is slimmer and more elastic than me, funnier, she hasn’t been with him through a lot and theirs is new, without the habit or the burden. I feel like such a weight to people and I feel like “of course he would choose her”

• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by tinybuddha.