Dear Penelope:

You are welcome.

The thought: I don’t love him anymore must have crossed the mind of each and every woman who ever loved a man. Some women get more scared of the thought than others.

It is the fear at the thought that is the problem, not the thought itself.

We think everything there is to think, we think so many, many thoughts during each and every hour of our waking time, every day. Is there any possibility we do not think about sooner or later? I don’t think so. We forget most of our thoughts because we don’t get alarmed when we think them.

You remember this particular thought because it alarmed you; you got scared. You  got scared and panicked: what if.. what if I no longer love him, now what…?

Fear settles in and the in-love feeling is kicked out by the fear, temporarily.

“I fear I may have fallen out of  love”- the fear is the problem. Think of “I may have fallen out of  love” as a thought. As a thought it has no power over you. For example, here is a thought: “I am dead” – well, I am not dead, I keep typing. The thought had no power over me, didn’t kill me. Here is another thought: the computer I am using may get destroyed before I submit this post.

If you receive this post, it means the thought above had no power.

Very important: do not be in any rush to get back the in-love feeling, don’t even try. It will be counter productive. Resolve to feel what you do and not feel what you don’t. No forcing feelings.

Let me know what you think/ feel.

* will be at the computer for another half an hour or so and then take a break of about sixteen hours.

anita

Dear Penelope:

Your anxiety, ongoing fear, started early, as it often does, in childhood. In your previous relationship of five years you had a similar thought, you wrote, and you did terminate that relationship. Most recently a series of events increased your anxiety, brought it to a pick, and the thought appeared, the thought that you “have fallen out of love”.

I believe the following needs to be done:

1. Manage your anxiety, your pre-existing anxiety (existing before you met your boyfriend, way before).

2. Separate the anxiety from reality, that is, look at your relationship. If the relationship has been good, if you believe your partner is a good, loving man, then your anxiety is just that, anxiety, not an indication that something in reality needs to be done. Go back to #1.

Every time the thoughts appear, that you are no longer in love, remind yourself that nothing in reality needs to be done, that this is anxiety.

Back to #1, managing your anxiety: create a calm place in your brain, a sanctuary of sorts. Create an image of it. If you feel most calm in a setting of a beach, by the ocean, create that image. If you feel most calm in a setting of a forest, trees and such, create that image.

When you feel anxious and troubled by the thought/s, go to that place. Do not engage with the thought, having a conversation with the thought. Don’t stay in that place. Go to the calm place. In the calm place think different thoughts, true thoughts, such as “I love him. He is a good man. He is a loving man.” And so on.

Find ways to relieve yourself from anxiety, such as daily walks outside and other exercise. Maybe attend quality psychotherapy for the purpose of managing and starting the long-long process of healing from your anxiety.

And do post again anytime you’d like.

anita

You are welcome, Penelope.

anita