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Please help! Losing hope over ex – Not sure what I should do?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #235457

    Joey
    Participant

    My ex broke up with me just over a year ago now after a 3 year relationship where he felt that he was unable to make me happy and told me that he felt helpless at times when I would have abrupt mood changes and ignore him and do Petty things so that he would comfort me. I was absolutely devastated when we broke up and tried hard to fight against it but it felt it was already too late and he had made his decision so I had no choice but to accept his words. We agreed to remain friends even though I knew it felt too painful as he had been a very important person in my life and despite our problems, we got on very well in general. We didn’t contact each other for 2 months and then I messaged him to say “happy christmas” and we later on agreed to meet up. Soon after that we began to meet up more frequently and I stayed over at his place which eventually ended up with us sleeping together every time we saw one another. I’ve always tried to suppress the hope that we could get back together one day but I became anxious and insecure about whether he was seeing other people and when I asked him whether this could become more serious, he dismissed me saying that he felt nothing had changed as we were still having the same old problems before and that he let himself get carried away in the moment. Unsurprisingly, I was utterly devastated by his words and cried for 2 days straight about how I had just lost him all over again and had to rebuild my life all over again without him. I tried to tell myself that this was the end and that I should enforce no contact and begin the “healing process” of moving on without him in my life. However, we made small talk after that whilst I was on holiday and we made casual conversation over whatsapp. He joined me to celebrate my birthday and we slept together again as we spent more time talking and seeing one another. I felt we were beginning to rebuild the connection between us as he made efforts to call me more frequently as each day went on and we even went on holiday together last month and he began holding my hand and it felt like we were becoming more intimate. However, my anxiety attacks didn’t go away and my insecurities crept in again where I would cry at random moments when I saw him talking with another girl and I felt personally threatened in those moments.

    After having another anxiety episode, we spoke again and he told me he felt our emotional temperaments were different and he had times when he thought about getting back together but he was unsure due to the uncertainties in terms of career choices that we face right now. I also agreed that I felt unsure but I felt very misleaded that he would get close to me then just suddenly pull away again. Now it’s been a few days and we haven’t spoken since he told me that we should go back to being friends and not sleep together anymore which I felt hurt by as I had felt we were getting closer and now I feel like I can’t go back to not having feelings for him. I decided to write him a letter detailing my ongoing battle with anxieties and my difficulties communicating them on which I had hoped that I would begin to work on as that was the main problem in our relationship before. However, a part of me feels like it’s too late and any work I put into it will only lead me to still lose him and everything we had between us. I agree that now is not the best time for us to get back together as I am still yet to find myself as I feel very lost in the world that I am in right now but I just feel so scared of losing him and the potential that we could have together. He has since stopped calling me and I am waiting on a reply for my letter.

    I’ve never understood how to decide if a person is right for you or not. I think maybe it’s because he is my first love and my first serious relationship but I can imagine that this is the person who I want to grow old with. I would like to just have a chat with people to get advice and share experiences as I’m trying to slowly work on myself but I’m missing having him in my life and whether I should give up on the whole idea of trying to get back together in the future.

    Thanks!

    #235489

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joey:

    It seems like you and your boyfriend had a three year relationship of one kind and then a different kind of a relationship for a year and ongoing, on and off, casual type. If your goal is to have a committed, monogamous relationship with him, not a friends-with-benefits type, then end the latter and aim at the former. In other words, don’t have sex with him.

    Because it was already decided on before, that there will not be sex between you and it happened anyway, the only way to see to it that there is no sex in the future (for as long as the relationship is not of the kind you want), is not to meet with him in person at all.

    In the future, if you and him have a meeting of the minds again, where you are both interested in the same and feel that you are capable of it, then resume talking, starting from the beginning.

    anita

    #235493

    Feathering my nest
    Participant

    Is he up for couples threapy?

    #235503

    Joey
    Participant

    Dear anita:

    So what would you suggest I do in regards to my feelings for him? I know the ongoing situation is toxic between us and causing a lot of hurt and anxieties to build up. I want to change as I realise I was living my life through him a lot and I know I have a lot of inadequacies that I need to address before I consider even to think about getting back together with him. But something inside me still holds out hope and I don’t want to let us go entirely 🙁

     

    #235501

    Jason
    Participant

    Joey,

    I agree with Anita. I broke up with my long term relationship in Sept.

    The only way to truly start healing and moving on is by having no contact with that person….as difficult as that is. Words I read that helped me and continue to help me…your ex is an addiction, your brain is addicted, the more you allow yourself your ‘fix’ your brain and mind has no reason to heal.

     

     

     

    #235511

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joey:

    That sad face at the end of your recent post, my suggestion is in regard to it: you will have to endure that sadness, the anxiety, all the discomfort you experience, endure it while making better and better choices. We all want to feel good, every living thing, if it feels, it wants to feel good. Unfortunately, as humans living complicated lives, we have to distinguish between what will feel good right now and what will feel good tomorrow and the day after.

    So at any one time it will feel good to see him right now and to spend the night with him now and hope for the best. But that leads to more misery, and more misery and it reduces your chances to feel okay long term.

    Also, it is not that you need to get better, to heal and then you will deserve the prize: him. He has to heal too from whatever he needs to heal. He needs to improve too.

    It is tough to be emotionally attached to a person and to stop thinking them, to turn away from the object of our attachment and turn toward reasonable living. But it needs to be done, if you want a better life.

    Is psychotherapy available for you?

    anita

    #235517

    Joey
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I understand what you are saying and I know I still have a long way to go as now that I have allowed him back into my life only to for him to distance himself again, I feel like I am back to the beginning of the ‘grieving’ stage. What would you suggest I do for now and how I should approach him in the future?

     

    #235553

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joey:

    I suggest you see to it that you put any and all contact with him on hold for let’s say six months. During these six months attend therapy, if such is available to you, promote your life work/ career wise, attend support groups/ develop a friendship or friendships with other women and stay away from men for the next six months at the least.

    anita

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