My ex broke up with me just over a year ago now after a 3 year relationship where he felt that he was unable to make me happy and told me that he felt helpless at times when I would have abrupt mood changes and ignore him and do Petty things so that he would comfort me. I was absolutely devastated when we broke up and tried hard to fight against it but it felt it was already too late and he had made his decision so I had no choice but to accept his words. We agreed to remain friends even though I knew it felt too painful as he had been a very important person in my life and despite our problems, we got on very well in general. We didn’t contact each other for 2 months and then I messaged him to say “happy christmas” and we later on agreed to meet up. Soon after that we began to meet up more frequently and I stayed over at his place which eventually ended up with us sleeping together every time we saw one another. I’ve always tried to suppress the hope that we could get back together one day but I became anxious and insecure about whether he was seeing other people and when I asked him whether this could become more serious, he dismissed me saying that he felt nothing had changed as we were still having the same old problems before and that he let himself get carried away in the moment. Unsurprisingly, I was utterly devastated by his words and cried for 2 days straight about how I had just lost him all over again and had to rebuild my life all over again without him. I tried to tell myself that this was the end and that I should enforce no contact and begin the “healing process” of moving on without him in my life. However, we made small talk after that whilst I was on holiday and we made casual conversation over whatsapp. He joined me to celebrate my birthday and we slept together again as we spent more time talking and seeing one another. I felt we were beginning to rebuild the connection between us as he made efforts to call me more frequently as each day went on and we even went on holiday together last month and he began holding my hand and it felt like we were becoming more intimate. However, my anxiety attacks didn’t go away and my insecurities crept in again where I would cry at random moments when I saw him talking with another girl and I felt personally threatened in those moments.

After having another anxiety episode, we spoke again and he told me he felt our emotional temperaments were different and he had times when he thought about getting back together but he was unsure due to the uncertainties in terms of career choices that we face right now. I also agreed that I felt unsure but I felt very misleaded that he would get close to me then just suddenly pull away again. Now it’s been a few days and we haven’t spoken since he told me that we should go back to being friends and not sleep together anymore which I felt hurt by as I had felt we were getting closer and now I feel like I can’t go back to not having feelings for him. I decided to write him a letter detailing my ongoing battle with anxieties and my difficulties communicating them on which I had hoped that I would begin to work on as that was the main problem in our relationship before. However, a part of me feels like it’s too late and any work I put into it will only lead me to still lose him and everything we had between us. I agree that now is not the best time for us to get back together as I am still yet to find myself as I feel very lost in the world that I am in right now but I just feel so scared of losing him and the potential that we could have together. He has since stopped calling me and I am waiting on a reply for my letter.

I’ve never understood how to decide if a person is right for you or not. I think maybe it’s because he is my first love and my first serious relationship but I can imagine that this is the person who I want to grow old with. I would like to just have a chat with people to get advice and share experiences as I’m trying to slowly work on myself but I’m missing having him in my life and whether I should give up on the whole idea of trying to get back together in the future.

Thanks!