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This topic contains 28 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 hour, 10 minutes ago.

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  • #180935

    k
    Participant

    Hello All.

    This will be little long, so bear patience with me.

    My name is Kriti, Lived in India and moved to Canada 4 years back. Fell in love with this Gentleman 3.5 years back. He is from Canada, We re from different cultures.

    I have been not feeling happy/good past 6 months. (just after my parents left me, living with us-me and my boyfriend for 4 months). Yeah, me and him live-in past 2 years. I am having/feeling very off, not in balanced since then. I have this constant worry in my mind, that Do i love my boyfriend? Do i want to be with him? Do i see a future with him? is he the one? Past 6 months, the time moves so fast. I am in my own thoughts 24/7. I feel lost. Not connecting with reality. Not even excited for anything in life. Even if i feel excited about something, I feel-oh is it because u dont love your bf and happy without him doing this? If i miss my family, a voice comes that-oh is it because u are not happy with your bf.

    I felt my connection with him is lost. But at the same time, i DONT want to loose him. He is truly a perfect boyfriend for me. I dont know what to do? I am just unhappy in my life. I dont feel like getting out from the bed. If i get my in the morning, my thoughts are what am i doing here? With my life? I dont feel like eating.

    All i want is my love for him back. I want my past life back that i enjoyed with him. That i use to look forward for him to come home from work. That i loved cooking for him. I just want to feel all that again, but i feel some unwanted force is stopping me to feel that.

    I am not at peace, not relaxed even for 1 minute past 6 months.

    I just want to know from experienced people in long term relationship/marriages- That is it normal to feel what im feeling? Any time i try to hug him(which i really want to do right now also), i hear a voice in me saying-dont lie, u dont love him. I want that voice to just shut , so that i can love my boyfriend again.

    How do u actually feel when u dont wnat to be with someone anymore? Am i just forcing this relationship to work? (Which i dont want, i really want to be with him all my life)

    Please help me with advice’s and experiences.

     

    Just for background-I have been in verbal abusive relationship with my ex. . Which lasted for two years. But if my past is haunting me, why didnt it haunt me before? because i really enjoyed my life and love with my current  boyfriend till now. But just this 6 months have been worst !!!!

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  k.
    #180949

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kriti:

    Do you think it may be true, what I suggested to you in your previous thread, that you are torn between being loyal to your parents (trying to please them) and being loyal to your boyfriend?

    And that conflict of loyalty intensified since y our parents’ visit  and departure six months ago?

    Also: you wrote above that you are  in your thoughts 24/7, this means you are no longer communicating with your boyfriend.  So even though you are living with him, you are  very much  alone.

    For your  own mental health and for the sake and hope for this relationship, better exit this aloneness and  open up to him, so that  you are no longer in your own thoughts 24/7.

    anita

    #180953

    k
    Participant

    I have talked to him about it. Any i have told him many times that i dont see a future with him. He felt very bad, but still want to make it work. I feel that i have lost him. But i so wanted this to work. sometimes i feel that may be we are just not meant to be together? But i hate feeling that.

    In regards to may parents. I dont know what happened, all i know is that Right now i feel that i have just lost my life. I feel no life any more.

    I feel awful.

    #180957

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kriti:

    When you told him many times that you don’t see a future with him, what did he say? Did he ask you why you feel this way, how long you felt this way… did he ask you if your parents’ visit has something to do with your feelings?

    And after each time  you talked to him, did he initiate another talk about it or just ignored the issue until you brought it up again?

    anita

    #180965

    k
    Participant

    He says that i should feel happy around him. The first time i told him, He was crying. And said he was scared to loose me. He has been very supportive. but lately, even he is loosing patience. That is when i said , that may be i should move out for a month for a break. But i feel that-

    1. This is not what i want,I want to be simply happy with him.and something is forcing me to not do that.

    2. I feel that, am i just convincing myself that i love him and want future together? Am i just scared to live alone?

    He tries not to talk about it, just because THATS all italk all the time now. . He just wants us to move on together in our life and keep doing the daily things that we do. Like cooking, cleaning, watching tv, playing board games. But i dont do any of those. I just feel like crying and even im doing stuff together, i listen inner voice saying-you are not happy, dont fake, dont lie. And i want this inner voice to just goo away-but i cant let it go.

     

    #180967

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kriti:

    You can explore this “inner voice” and find  out if it is your authentic voice or the voice of your parents in your brain telling you that they are not happy with you living together with this man. If you don’t explore this voice and locate it to be your parents’ voice or if it is your authentic voice, it is not likely to go away.

    And so, unless you attend quality psychotherapy ASAP, it is better that you separate from this man so to not bring him any more pain and s0 that you can experience a relief from your pain.

    It is no way to live with a man, doubting so intensely whether you should be living with him.

    * Of course, the solution is for you to be happy (“I want to be simply happy with him”), but we can’t force our feelings, so this is not a possible solution.

    anita

    #180971

    k
    Participant

    But i dont want to loose what i have with him? We have made our small lives together.? Even if i leave him, how can i be sure that this wont happen with another person in my life?

    what if this happens in every relationship ? May be its just a phase? I just want to believe that.

    #180973

    k
    Participant

    I have tried Therapy. She aid i have Anxiety and not to take any step at the moment.

    #180975

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kriti:

    A phase, to be a phase, needs to have a time limit. This has been going on for six months and  it  is ongoing.

    You wrote that you don’t  want to lose what you have with him, but you do want  to lose the pain you suffer and  the pain you inflict  on him, don’t  you.

    If you are not going  to see a quality therapist, that is, one who will help you (not just point out that you suffer from anxiety)a, then it is not fair to him that you keep telling him that you don’t want to be with him. It  hurts him.

    So you don’t  know if your concerns about this relationship are real or imagined, correct?

    I will soon be away from the computer for sixteen hours or  so. If  you want  to list the pros and  cons to this relationship/ what you like about him and what  you don’t like about him, please  do.  I will reply when I am back.

    Another thing to notice: are there specific times  or  triggers to your worry about  this being the right relationship for you? If  so,  what are they?

    anita

    #180979

    k
    Participant

    yeah My therapist told me to go further Assessment with a doctor and start the meds if possible, to stop this spiral and not be in edge. So that i can take a decision in a calm mindset. I am waiting for appointment from doctor.

    I worry about this more in the mornings as i get up, and towards the end of day i feel better. I dont feel to do anything in my life. Not excited about anything.

    If you have to say the pros and cons of this relationship, I can just mention the  pros.

    1. He is very caring.

    2. he appreciates every single thing i do.

    3. he sees a future with me, never hesitated to talk about kids, family.

    4. He respects family and culture.

    5. He motivates me to do better in my life and career.

    6. He is very respectful towards elders, which is very important to me.

    7. He has once saved a life of a kid, who was drowning in river. Got awards from governor general. from another countries as well. I feel very proud of him for not thinking about himself, and saved somebody life.

    8. As we are from different culture, He motivates me to talk and teach our future kids my language.

    9.. In regards to this relationship- He has never said me no to do anything. I can live my life the way i want.

    10. He is very much hardworking and career orientated.

    The only con i would say is that my mindset. My questions that is he the one?do i really love him?Do i see a future with him? Only my questions are my cons.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  k.
    #181063

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi k,

    He sounds like a wonderful man, but if you are having this much anxiety and doubt, then unfortunately, I don’t see how the relationship can progress. You have to get control over your anxiety, fear and depression, before you can be happy with another person. There can be no dreams, when there is fear. It is very unfair to him, to continue the relationship. I feel you need a break, to find out who you are, what you want, what you want in a man, etc. I also think you feel a very big disconnect in life because of your parents leaving. As this came about the time they left. I think they have a very big influence over your life, and you are needing their presence in your life to feel safe again. A person who is doubtful, lost and confused is not ready for the demands of a committed relationship. Take a break, attend quality therapy, try again to get your anxiety and depression under control, as it can distort your thinking, even if you have to go on medication. Once this happens, things will look much brighter for you, and you can make your decisions about your boyfriend, when you are better. Let him know you need some time to work on yourself, he will understand, if he wants you to be happy. He sounds like a very reasonable and understanding, patient man. I do hope you feel better soon. x

    #181073

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kriti:

    I re-read all your post in both of your threads, very slowly and attentively, so to understand better, to see if there is something I missed. And I think I found that something  that I missed, or overlooked before:

    He  doesn’t want  to marry you.

    I overlooked that fact  before. He doesn’t want to  marry you. He talks about a future with you, having kids, but no progress whatsoever toward getting married.

    A summary of your story: you had a two  year relationship with an Indian man before. He  was abusive toward you. You moved to Canada in 2014, soon after started dating your current Canadian boyfriend. The relationship is currently on its fourth year and you’ve been living with him for two years.

    Your parents came to visit you and lived with you and your boyfriend for four months. Ten days before their departure, you got into your first fight with your boyfriend over a text his former high school crush sent him, a text in which she asked  him to  meet for coffee and he replied that he was  too busy at work to meet her. Following that fight you didn’t go to work, didn’t eat  like you used to, got your first ever panic attack, and soon after that your parents left, back to India, I suppose. The week they left was “the worst week of (your) life”. You then went to visit your sister, who is married and is expecting her first child, for two weeks. During those two weeks you kept fighting with your boyfriend on the phone, pressuring him to get married, but he refused to do so.

    You wrote: “He  just wants us to move  on together in our life and keep doing the daily things that we do. Like cooking, cleaning, watching  tv, playing board games. But I don’t do any of those. I just feel like crying and even I’m doing stuff together, I listen inner  voice saying you are not happy, don’t fake, don’t lie”.

    My understanding at this point: you want to get married and he does not. He talks about getting married but has no such actual plans. You pressured  him to get married and he refused, every time you pressured him.

    You are very impressed by the fact that  he is different from your past abusive boyfriend. Problem is, he doesn’t want to marry you. You are  not happy living with a man who doesn’t want to marry you. You are  not happy with your life with him as a  lived in girlfriend, cooking, cleaning, watching TV, playing board games… You want  to be  married like your sister.

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

    #181097

    k
    Participant

    @ Eliana: Thank you for your reply 🙂

    Yes, I truly think that i am myself little unsatisfied with my life at the moment. The life that i wanted from myself (as an individual), I didn’t achieve that. I think that i am trying to push everything on him for me not being happy and concluding that i am not happy because of this relationship.

    @anita: Thank you for your reply.

    I know he is not ready for marriage right now, I want to. But we both are not even financially stable to get married right now. We both want to have both culture marriages. I have dreams of my marriage. So i dont mind, waiting. We both have a set age, that we want to get married by then.

    The commitment which this person has showed me till now, proved me that i can wait for the marriage. I have not been at my  best past 6 months. And he was always with me. Just that recently he is loosing the patience, and i dont blame him for that. If i was at his place, i dont know what i would have done to see a crying bf all the time.

    #182413

    k
    Participant

    Hello Friends

    I have update for my issue. I recently went to the doctor, and she did assessment on me.I am having Depression and GAD.

    She said that the doubts i am having for my boyfriend is because of my anxiety. I feel better after that, But then the doubts kicked in again. Biggest doubt i am having right now is that we are from Different Cultures. I want to ask if anyone has any positive experience with cross-culture marriage or relationships?

     

    Thanks you so much <3

    #182419

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kriti:

    I didn’t notice your post of Dec 8 until now. You wrote there that you want to marry him, that he is not ready to marry and you are willing to wait.

    Regarding your most recent post, you asked about marriages between different cultures- well, I have experience with relationships between people of the same country not working out, and statistics reveal of many divorces between people of the same culture. You had a dysfunctional relationship yourself with a man of the same culture.

    What specifically bothers you about getting married with a man of a different culture, Canadian?

    And since he is not ready to marry you, how is it relevant, in your case, a marriage between two people of a different culture?

    * Will be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

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