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PLEASE HELP ME Fear of starting conversation with girls

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  • August 12, 2013 at 8:38 am #40265
    Niraj
    Participant

    hello friends i am from india and am studying in a prestigious engineering college…there is a fear that is troubling me…i could not start conversation with girls now you would feel its so lame…BUT PLEASE HELP ME..there is a girl in my campus whom i like and she too sees me i want to start conversation with her but i fear doing it in front of people or her …even when she is alone i cant do it. and i am not saying its just fear my whole body shivers with fear i dont even know what fear this is. PLEASE HELP ME I AM TROUBLED AND HAVE TRIED WHATEVER I COULD

    August 12, 2013 at 12:23 pm #40276
    Barbara
    Participant

    As difficult as that fear / self – consciousness is, try to relax, and realise that this girl is just another person. No matter how you see her, she is a human being with all the faults, failings, hopes, fears that we all have.

    Perhaps you are putting all your hopes n this girl, putting her on a pedestal, and then, if you think that way, of course you are going to get nervous. All human beings are vulnerable, and no matter what the exterior suggests, so is she.

    Just take it easy – so what if she ‘rejects’ you – she is not the be all and end all, and there will be other loves in your life as you are still young. Maybe thinking like that will allow you to see her, not as an untouchable princess, but as an ordinary person. If you just try to chat with her, keep it light, and just be yourself. What’s the worst that can happen ? If she walks away and snubs you, that is her issue, not yours. And if you chat you might make a friend to hang out with, or maybe start a relationship, who knows.

    The main thing is to take it easy, stop frightening yourself, as there is no need. Although man and women are different, we also have things in common – being human is one of them, with all the trappings of earthly insecurities !

    Have a nice time in college – I wish I could go back and do college again – as its a precious time in your life, and make sure not to waste time obsessing over girls, (as I did with guys, to some extent) – as it eats up your valubale time and energy, and you miss out on living in the present moment. This is the only time you will probably have before you get down to a career – so enjoy it !! 🙂 No need to get too serious with anyone, as you have years ahead of you for that !! Join all the societies, get really into college life, and all that other stuff will become easier !

    Best of luck

    Namaste

    August 12, 2013 at 12:37 pm #40279
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Niraj,
    Ha, yes I understand what you mean. Who hasn’t experienced fear associated with talking to someone new? Especially someone new to whom we are attracted? First off – the more you think about this and the more images of potential reactions that you entertain in your head, the more energy you are putting into an interaction that has not happened yet and the more difficult to just TAKE THE PLUNGE! This is what it boils down to. Here in the west there is a method of therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. You don’t have to be a psychologist to understand it it’s quite simple. It states that you can feel afraid and tremble AND at the same time take action that is opposite to how you feel. So if you feel afraid to do something that is quite natural and does not mean that you can’t do it – it simply means you are afraid. Try saying, “hello fear, I know you are there, I am sorry you are so consumed in fear” and from there you and your fear can go up to the girl and let happen whatever happens. You are already thinking too much about this – don’t take anyone’s advise that would encourage you to think EVEN MORE. The simple truth is that you are afraid. And the place within you that is afraid thinks that they have good reason to be afraid. It is probably afraid of rejection, it is then afraid of feeling unlovable, and then afraid of being ALL ALONE. Quite dramatic isn’t it? But this place is not you. It is merely a part of you. Only one part of you is afraid. But the rest of you is intact and wanting to make a connection with someone and so do not let the fearful place in you direct your actions. You are bigger than that! Whitman said we contain multitudes and I think that is true. You are bigger than just that place in you that is afraid. Be compassionate to the place in you that is afraid and then move on! Live your life! Life is too short to let our behavior be dictated by fear. There is also a place in you that is very strong and very brave – perhaps you should let that place take the driver’s seat more often?

    -J.D.

    August 12, 2013 at 2:20 pm #40294
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    I agree with what the others have said.

    Don’t put too much emphasis on this one encounter.

    Just be casual, polite and respectful.

    You could say to her something along the lines of ‘Hello, my name is Niraj. I’ve seen you at so-and-so’s party/ Dr somebodies class/ in the canteen (delete as applicable). What did you think of the party/ Dr Somebodies class/ the food.

    If she wants to talk to you she will be pleased and keep the conversation going. If she is less keen you’ll soon pick up on the signs and you can write this one off to experience.

    Good luck.

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