Hi and thank you for listening…

I fell in love for the first time October 13 2021. Our two year anniversary is in one month.

We met on Tinder, he was late for the first date, but I didn’t mind.. since it’s not like he knew who he was being late for, lol, my logic anyways. Honestly, all I remember about our first date is where we went and what we were wearing, which I have kinda always wondered why I have no memory of our actual conversation. Anyways I’m currently writing it off as bliss! He is a beautiful tall man…gorgeous. We moved quickly, our third date he accidentally stood me up after working an all-nighter and I was absolutely devastated, and told him it was over. I ended up letting him take me on another date to give him a chance to explain, but something about that night felt so off and I couldn’t connect with him anymore and told him the next morning via text (eek I know but it had only been 3 dates ya know…).

One day later, and after being hit up for a date by 1 exe, 1 college guy friend, and a new guy at a bar, which I found weird that it was happening all at once, I felt this pit in my stomach about him (who we shall call N). It was like, in the midst of multiple guys waiting for a response from me, suddenly, this N guy appears in my mind and It’s like I had a vision of ripping a green vine off a branch, as if it was premature, and not ready to be discarded, and I listened to that vision and decided to give N one more chance. Sure enough, he came and brought me soup and flowers, cause I was sick (an internal manifestation over my heart being pulled in multiple directions I’m sure).

The spark was back! I was relieved to have made a decision and that I didn’t do anything stupid with the other guys. From that point on we moved very fast emotionally and somewhat fast physically (not referring to the fact we did sleep together on the first date, my first time doing that I’m usually a 3-5 date typa girl). We became intertwined with each others families, mine love him and his adore me. Stars aligning!

Fast-forward from yoga dates to backpacking dates to fancy dinners we became best friends. But here’s a funny part, and a reason I just don’t know if this is meant to be…, we are extremely physically compatible, like at times what we do feels like absolute    MAGIC   I feel I see the heavens and stars for multiple seconds at a time BUT I would not say we have the best chemistry. Even our first date, a part I do recall, he didn’t initiate any flirtation at all, no compliments that I recall but I vividly remember no touching me in any way (till I kissed him and we twisted sheets later).

He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE. We are getting better at communication every day, understanding eachothers ways and good/bad habits, which feels good. Yet, I’ve tried to communicate about how I want him to compliment me, or be flirtatious. He tries, but it almost gives me an ick the way he does it and when he does it and I don’t want to pick at him so I just let it be. But I do not feel physically confident IN the relationship (I know Im adorable and sexy, but he does not make me feel it, he is silent and I don’t catch him staring at me or complimenting when I am actually trying to arouse him). My flirtation is lost on him and that is sooooooo hard for me cause I am such a flirtatious person, it defeats the entirety of it when I have to explain it to him……ugh I’ve had amazing banter and chemistry without even being physical with other guys in the past, snapchat days lol.

He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him. He knows such details of his loved ones lives and seems to be getting to be the same with me and understanding my faults. But I do not know if he loves me for me…… He often says “love is a choice” and I get that and agree to an extent but I’m like “ok but what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others.” And all he ever says is that I’m sweet and adventurous… blah blah blah all these super un-original things, that yes I can be, but the things he says he loves about my personality don’t truly resonate with me. I don’t feel seen.

My family absolutely loves him, my sisters and mom (whom I do trust cause they DO know me). They say he balances me and compliments my demeanor, that he challenges me and is opposite in perfect ways, in that he is more chill and agreeable lol and very financially savvy and aware of current events and the business world and all that I have no interest. But I am starting to wonder if I don’t want to be with someone who is my opposite, rather maybe with someone more similar. I am a very witty person, I can be dark and cynical,  I can be light and silly, my humor truly ranges, I am a giggly person, a close highschool friend of mine labeled me as “always being on laughing gas” and it truly resonated with me! But N has not seen that side of me, I laugh at myself lol, but my favorite thing is laughing with the person laughing at what I said (hah) but N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments I feel so so lonely..:/ I have had laughing attacks with everyone close to me but him. I have laughed and he does do some puns that make me chuckle, he has some wit that does make me laugh to his credit BUT never just laughing to tears, a major bonding thing I’ve experienced with everyone else.

Spiritually, we are both open-minded which is so nice. He doesn’t judge my questioning of literally everything and He doesn’t really care what I decide to seek. But at the same time that kinda bothers me, like CARE please, I want to discover this with a partner. And maybe this is possible with time, is what I have told myself for about a year now but I don’t know if I have the patience, sometimes I wish he was just there and wanted to be deep and have long deep spiritual conversations where we tap into our higher selves together and feed eachothers souls! so that leads me to my end all be all questioning statement…

I don’t think we are soulmates. But we are very in love, I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time, I want to move on or commit. I don’t want to string this lovely man along, but I don’t want to make the wrong decision and make him the one that got away. I also don’t want to be ungrateful and expect that there’s something better out there for me, that feels like dangerous territory of having too high of standards that I’m single forever… I am exhausted with this decision and thought the answer would have come to me by now, we have had sooo many conversations and its like he does change things but not how I feel I need? idk, thanks for reading and please anything can help me especially advice or someone in a similar boat.