Hi Eric

You don’t need to apologize. This is your space, your journal. Please use it as you wish 🙏

It can be difficult to discuss thoughts and feelings. Not everyone is open to that kind of a conversation in daily life.

I can honestly say that I understand what it is like to have anxiety and painful thoughts associated. It is a long and challenging process, but it is possible to get through it in time. It hasn’t disappeared completely for me. But there are times when I don’t feel anxiety and times when it pops back up. However, it’s not as severe as it used to be.

It’s good that you are trying to figure out ways not to feel insecure.

Planning to improve the relationship tells me that you care about it.

You are really developing your planning skills. I remember when you used to struggle with that.

It sounds like you have a belief that if you make a mistake that you will be rejected.

Hi Eric

To be fair she’s meeting you in 2 weeks.

And I’m guessing her friends are from uni. She might be a bit of a social butterfly and trying to rotate who she spends time with to try and treat people fairly. Or she might just be that busy.

I tend to see close friends every two weeks and I try and see my family once a week. So it seems reasonable to me. Life just gets very busy.

It’s pretty normal for things to settle down into a routine after the initial excitement of meeting someone. It’s a chance to get to know what you’re both really like naturally, as opposed to the initial phase where people are trying to impress each other.

I believe her when she says she misses you.

Those are some great goals! The next stage is planning steps on how to achieve those things.

Hi Eric

When there are no special occasions you can always ask her out on a date and perhaps do some activities.

Realistically, this is your first relationship and it might end. But it is just the way these things are. Very few people stay with their first partner forever. This is an opportunity to learn about relationships and enjoy your time together. You may have other relationships afterwards, or you never know you could grow old together.

The issue is that in your anxiety you blame yourself. Instead of it being a normal part of life. It sounds like there is a belief that any hypothetical break up would be your fault. As you put it, for not being good enough.

I can understand this, I’ve also dealt with my own feelings of insecurity in relationships.

I don’t know about stopping the anxiety. But learning to live with it and manage it, so it causes you less pain are more achievable goals. These things do take time, so you will have to be patient with yourself and these feelings.

It would be possible to change the way anxiety expresses itself. For example, I used to be afraid that my partner would leave me and blame myself similarly. But now I don’t blame myself it has turned into a less frequent less painful thought that one day we might not be together for some kind of inexplicable reason.

How I changed was by regularly writing down the ways that I’m a good person until my beliefs about not being good enough changed. I worked on changing myself and becoming someone that I actually like. I learned to treat myself kindly as opposed to blaming myself all the time which is a form of self abuse. Meditation was extremely helpful too because it helped me learn to quieten my thoughts. Practicing gratitude helped me to develop a more positive attitude.

Would you like to try writing a list about what makes you a good boyfriend? You could write down anything you do with the intent of nurturing the relationship.

I can start you off with some examples.

You are thoughtful and plan ways to develop the relationship and maintain interest.

You communicate regularly with her.

You invite her to special occasions.

Hi Eric

Great work on your list, I hope you will add to it as you think of more things.

Exercise and watching tv are good hobbies. But it wouldn’t hurt to add something else. Is there anything you’ve been interested in but never gotten around to doing?

It’s not helpful to compare your life to other people’s. We all have our own unique journey. I understand that you’ve experienced trauma in the past in the form of bullying. And there have been hints of some unique family dynamics. But you’ve had difficulty discussing these things.

These kinds of issues shaped who you are and your life into what it is today. You have steadily been working on your anxiety. I’m glad that your new relationship has pushed you to experience new things and make some real headway with your anxiety. I think it’s a breakthrough that you are motivated not to avoid your fears despite the intensity. Naturally, since your partner is very social, I’m sure you will meet more new people and become more comfortable with social interaction in time.

Hi Eric

Since you don’t have any preferences, why not think about something that you would like to do with your partner one day?

Do you have any ideas of what you would like to do for valentine’s day?

My technique for meditation is pretty simple. I focus on my lower abdomen and practice breathing from the diaphragm into my belly. There are loads of different kinds of meditation. If you experience any difficulty there is usually a different method that might be more suitable.

For example, when I started I had a lot of racing thoughts, anxiety and breathing exercises triggered PTSD. I had to use a different type of meditation from what I practice now. This meditation involved focusing on sensations in my body popping up. Allowing new sensations in different locations to draw focus. I didn’t really have to focus on one thing, it was helpful when my mind had a tendency to wander.

It’s helpful to practice when you are already at your most relaxed because learning to meditate can be challenging and being relaxed is half the battle.