Post break-up Blues

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This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by my2cents.

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April 7, 2016 at 1:39 pm #101201
Bonni_mor
Participant
Hi all,

I’ve been single for almost a year now and have been trying to dedicate the next year to what I call unpetalling. Shedding myself of who I was in that relationship and coming into my own.
Not that I was a terrible person in the relationship but I definitely learned a lot about myself that I wanted to change after it.

So I’ve been doing that, and in the beginning I thought I was doing well. I delved into my studies, became more sociable, and tried to move on from the life that I had with the ex. i struggled to control my emotions at times and that affected my concentration quite a bit, resulting in me failing 2/9 of my exams, and ultimately not graduating.

To set the scene for where I’m going with this, the ex and I dated for 5 years, he graduated, moved to a different city, became employed, broke up with me. Days before my exams. Didn’t really explain why, never spoke to me again. Until today.

I received a text from him asking if I was graduating, and if so, he would like to celebrate me and share that moment with me, if that’s fine with me. But I’m not graduating. And even if I were, that would not be fine. And for some reason, that question made me truly angry. I was offended by the pseudo-concerned friend act and was even more offended that I in fact was not graduating, because I failed to control my emotions and allowed my heartache to take that away from me. I’m humiliated and disappointed in myself for not making it, and I hate that he will now know this. I feel like he’ll now think that he made the right decision by leaving me because as it stands, I’m a failure of a human being. I feel like I lost the break up, and although that’s a juvenile sentiment to make because no one wins in a breakup, but that feeling has now consumed me. And I feel like he’s mocking me for not making it by asking me that after not speaking to me for months on end.

I don’t know if this at all makes sense, but if it does, please advise me on how I can unpetal these feelings.

Blessings
- This topic was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Bonni_mor.
April 7, 2016 at 2:04 pm #101203

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bonni_mor:

Imagining myself in your place, following the ending of a long term relationship and months of no contact, it would bother me too that he asked to spend graduation with me, whether I was graduating or not. I would reply to him: “It will not be appropriate for you to celebrate any event in my life with me because you aren’t and have not been in my life for a long time.”

That relationship is over and so, it is. Your life is your business: as far as why you are not graduating.. that is (again) not his business to speculate about or for you to discuss with him.

You will graduate, Bonni_mor, won’t you? Just later than expected, that is all.

Take good care of yourself and be gentle and patient with your recovery from this relationship. Please do post again.

anita

April 7, 2016 at 2:09 pm #101206

Vesper
Participant

Bonni_mor

Oh my. When I read this I immediately wanted to give you a hug. I can’t imagine how it must have been to have your heart broken just days before your exams. Honestly, I applaud you for doing as well as you did, and I don’t think you should feel one minute of shame for sustaining a setback as a result.
Please don’t feel humiliated.
Please don’t believe for a moment you are a failure as a human being.
If you choose to respond to him, be true to yourself and let him know exactly how you feel, in the most honest and humble way you can. I know you worry it will make you look weak to admit he broke your heart. It won’t. He must know already. In my view, a person who can stand tall and say “I’m not okay with what you did” is to be admired. Hugs to you! 🙂

April 8, 2016 at 9:19 am #101292

Kimbers
Participant

Bonni-mor
Sending you a hug as well ((())). I would honestly try to take the high road on this. I know he hurt you, but you can thank him for the offer and politely decline. You need not offer any more information than that. If he presses You can add that you have ‘moved on’. Then if he still persists, block his calls and texts.
You are not a failure and you can go back and pick up the missed classes. Life sometimes has us change a path for a reason (or dance a different step). The important thing is to move forward and finish your classes. But you did amazingly under the circumstances.

April 8, 2016 at 4:06 pm #101321

my2cents
Participant

Bonni, first of all, do NOT be so hard on yourself for not graduating on time. Forgive yourself for it is not easy to go through a painful breakup and you did the best you could at that time given the circumstances. Secondly, you should block ALL his text messages and phone calls. Do NOT respond to his calls or text messages. There is NO need for any contact with him.

Someone that cares about you and respects you would not distance himself from you by moving to another city after being together for 5 years and then break up with you right before your finals. To me, that shows a lack of respect and commitment to you on his part.

Take good care of yourself, be good to yourself and love yourself because you’re the only one that can do that.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” -Buddha

April 8, 2016 at 4:58 pm #101324

Anonymous
Inactive

hello bonni,
wanted to stop by and send you a huge hug. I also went through a bad breakup and am often caught up quite blue myself still (mine is a little bit more recent but it feels like forever that i’ve been feeling like this as well).
So hang in there, you are not alone. Cut him because you deserve better.
and @my2cents, beautiful quote!!!!

April 8, 2016 at 5:18 pm #101329
my2cents
Participant
Hi @cath, thanks for the shout out! Hang in there girl, the pain is only as long as you allow it.
I also swear by the No Contact Rule, it not only stops the heartbreak hemorrhage immediately but also allows a chance for a possible future of you and your partner in case the timing just wasn’t right.
Big hugs to you and many blessings as well!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by my2cents.
April 8, 2016 at 10:34 pm #101352

Lisa Edwards
Participant

Dear Bonnie_mor:
It’s interesting, to say the least, your Ex thinks that he has the right to waltz back into your life after breaking up with you without explanation just days before your exams. He has shown his true colors and they’re not attractive. You deserve to be with someone who will cherish and honor you. Not someone who is really immature emotionally. He lost you when he broke up and he doesn’t get to come back acting like nothing happened. It’s not okay.
I would work on forgiving yourself for the actions you didn’t like about yourself during the relationship. And make sure you don’t cloud your actions with who your ex is and how callously he was to you.
You’ve been through so much. I’m rooting for you.

April 15, 2016 at 5:51 am #101928

Bonni_mor
Participant

Dear

@Anita

@vesper

@kimbery

@my2cents

@seekinggrace

I just want to thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart. I felt the warm embraces in your words and every single time I have turned to the forum for great advice, I have received it like a cleansing, so thank you for that.

As for the ex, I did not acknowledge him at all. Im a very vocal person normally and will not be apprehensive to tell others how their actions have made me feel, but that’s only towards people who care for me. I don’t believe that his actions warranted any response from me, because he actually doesn’t care for me, and the pseudo-concern did not deserve any response, I feel. He doesn’t get to ask me a thing at all, and he is not entitled to even a single hello from me. I don’t owe him the high road. And not responding made me feel better.

I realized that underlying this post is not only the ex, but that it has more to do with how I perceive my failure and how that changes the perception I have of who I am. I also still do care so much about what he thinks about me which is why I allowed myself to feel like I “failed” and that is what I should be working on.

Thank you for reminding me that my destiny is far greater than the manipulation of failure has ever taught me. And that it happens. But that I shouldn’t allow it to define me. That “where you are is not who you are”.

It’s all part of the journey I guess.

Blessings and hugs

April 15, 2016 at 7:50 am #101937

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Bonni_mor:

You are welcome! I like it that you will not respond to his “pseudo-concern”- that you respond only to what is real, encouraging only what is honest and true and not a pseudo-anything!

anita

April 15, 2016 at 8:11 pm #101991

my2cents
Participant

You’re welcome Bonni! Good for you for not responding to him!!!
You have a good head on your shoulders and that will carry you far, my friend.
Stay strong and keep smiling! Life is good.
Many blessings to you!
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