As I’m writing this, I’m not really sure what the topic title should be. I’m in my 30’s, single mother of 3, and in love with a man that loves me back, but is not “in love” with me.

Background: I’ve had a crazy life. So has he. We are both single parents, and we met just over one year ago. Our start was rocky, as he had some personal issues to deal with before we really started seeing each other. Each of us is very in-tune with our surroundings, yet cautious. My divorce was 4 years ago, his second was a few more than that. Each of us had been single more than a year. We did have fun that first few months… though I will be the first to admit, something was missing. Neither of us would allow ourselves to be totally vulnerable to the other. We had so much fun when we did see each other, though. After a few months of dating each other, we started into routines that were not necessarily healthy. I was staying over at his house way too much, and by nature I am far more giving than anyone I know. Like he says, I put 110% into every single thing I do without question. But this people-pleaser side can be a scary turn-off to men. I was far too agreeable, and I live very much in the moment. Still… we were starting to become closer, and he was regularly referring to me as his girlfriend, when I had a series of life changing events hit me all at once. Custody battle, demotion at work, car trouble, no child support, and more… you name it… plus I had to move twice this year as well. It was a lot to take in… and I shut down emotionally. I answered direct questions about what was going on, but did not open up and share my feelings about it. He became incredibly distant very suddenly, then broke off our relationship. I was pretty devastated, to say the least. He told me that I was amazing… but that he wasn’t in love with me, and didn’t feel like we were as close as we should be. I thought that would be the end of it.

Almost daily after we broke up, he messaged and called me. Checking on me, sending encouragement. Just being sweet and concerned. After a while I started to put my life back in order… and we spoke less frequently. Then one day out of the blue, he spent an entire evening trying to convince me to go out for a walk on the beach with him, as we chatted and caught up on what had been happening the last few weeks in each of our lives. Finally, reluctantly, I met him. I wasn’t ready to physically see him yet… nor was I prepared for the reason he had asked me there. He was friendly and flirty… and carried my purse the whole time. We sat and talked for hours. He told me how sorry he was and how horrible he felt to have cut himself out of my life like that and made things harder on me when I was going through so much. He then proceeded to tell me that a woman like me is a gift, and that he is well aware of my value. We talked for a long time, and were totally open about behaviors each of us had that we felt had worked against our relationship. It was actually the best talk we had ever had, and afterwards, we went back to his place and cuddled up and went to sleep. After that, the next few months were better than ever before.

I’ve always spent time with his teenage daughter, we are very close… and after almost a year (off and on) together, I started easing up and introducing my two youngest children that still live at home with me into more of our activities. He’s an amazing cook, and always fixes my plate for me ahead of time when he cooks, it’s so sweet. He’s kind and intelligent and funny… We share so many of the same values it’s scary. Though at times he can be quite the man of mystery, he has an incredible warmth and is more patient than any man I’ve ever dated. Sometimes it amazes me the way his mind works. He has his faults as well…. but nothing deal-breaking that I could not live with. We were close and functioning very well as a couple…. I was falling in love with him. Everything just seemed to be falling into place, and though we still were not quite as close as each would like… these were happy times. Over the summer, it all changed. He had to go away twice for military training… two weeks the first time, and three weeks the next. During the three week training, he asked me to look in on his mother and daughter as much as possible… help with the yard… help with things they could not do themselves. I gladly did. Just before he left, I lost my job (laid off), so I was job hunting but had plenty of time to help. But when he got back… everything was different. His body language and attitude were completely changed. (Note: he lost his VA job because he had to be gone so long, so he came back having to hunt for work, and figure out how he was going to survive!!). He had a lot on his plate… but still… it was like a switch went off and his interests were elsewhere. He had issues with anxiety during that time… and rarely even took a few moments away from what he was doing to spend time with me. It was really odd. He stopped pursuing me completely. It was like my boyfriend was suddenly a ghost.

Several weeks went on… and with everything each of us was dealing with, I had a little bit of a meltdown. I’m not proud of it… but I couldn’t believe this was happening a second time. I could see it coming on like a train wreck… it was like a re-run of the first time we broke up. The distance, the changed body language… everything. I mentioned that I hadn’t really heard from him much the past few weeks, and his only response was to tell me that he didn’t know what to say. So I told him that I’d make it easy on him and drop off his keys the next day. I was done. I thought I was done.

This breakup was even more painful. I didn’t know if I’d still get to spend time with his daughter… I didn’t know what happened… and the man that I saw such a bright future with in the distance had just vanished. He’s always been so patient and diplomatic when I have questions as well… And when we talked things over the next day, he was nearly in tears describing this to me. He told me that since his time in the military overseas… he hasn’t loved anyone like he loved in his youth. He thinks that changed him. He told me that if he had a list of a woman’s attributes that would equal the perfect woman and relationship for him, I embodied all of those traits and more. He said he tried our relationship again because he really wanted to fall in love with me, and that he was frustrated that I was what he sees as the perfect woman, and he wasn’t able to break that barrier and love me the way he feels I “deserve” to be loved. He doesn’t feel like he’s giving me everything I need and deserve, and it’s tearing him up with guilt, that he feels like he is holding me back from finding someone that really deserves me. He also said that it wasn’t fair that I had so much personal turmoil… and that it’s changed me as a person. That I can’t expect anyone to love me if I don’t love myself… and that he can feel my own insecurities literally radiating from me. That was a LOT to take in. But much of it was true. My job, my friends, and even the man I love… Everyone had been trying to tell me that I had let the stress change me. I just wasn’t listening. I was too busy surviving…. or trying to survive… and trying to move forward after so many devastating blows.

We decided to be friends, and I started spending time distancing myself as much as I could from him. Initiating no contact… except when it came to issues with his daughter. I still watch her 2 nights per week, plus I have her this weekend while he is away. And just when I thought that it was totally over… he started to pursue me again. Flirting… having fun… opening up and talking to me. But it’s touch and go. It happens mostly when I just step back and “let him” pursue me. We had a huge blunder a few weeks after we broke up… he asked me to help him with some things around the house (and would pay me to do so)… but afterwards we drank 2 bottles of wine (neither of us usually drink!!) and slept together. It was amazing but too soon. I have no idea why, but I felt so uncomfortable the minute we finished, I whipped all of my clothes back on and drove home like that… then sent him a couple of not so happy text messages! After I apologized and we’re fine. We’ve been through awkward moments like him realizing he was about to kiss me goodbye on his way to school and stopping suddenly… and weekends that I don’t have my kids, he always invites me over to spend time with him. He’s an amazing cook! This time around he is not back on any dating sites at all… he’s not out trying to pursue anyone else… and yet he is going back and forth between pursuing me, and cold distance. I can even tell in how he hugs me. Some days it’s awkward and forced, other days it’s warm and genuine. Then this past weekend… he invited me over and kissed me so passionately… he hasn’t kissed me in weeks… the whole evening was just like we were transported into another world…. before it was awkward again.

I know that many of these things are not for me to understand… but right now we sometimes act like a couple, and sometimes do not. We don’t discuss “us” at all right now. When I’m with him, I’m happy to create new memories… but in the back of my mind I am still wondering if he is still waiting for that “turning point”. He wants to be in love. I have this really strange feeling like he is still here, waiting for some major change, whether it be in him or in me… like he still has hope that he will fall in love with me the way he talked about… but like he is afraid to acknowledge it, and unwilling to put a great deal of work into it. Does that make sense? I know that this situation will not be able to go on forever. Our children are involved. We are still involved. I will never get over him like this… and if something happens that he decides to start dating again… I know it will hurt, regardless.

This is why I don’t know what to do with this. I see the match and the love there on my side… the potential on his… I’m not romanticizing this…. I see each of us for all of our strengths and faults. But I see something worth fighting for here. I’m just not sure how… or if I’m right to allow each of us to keep up this dance. It’s like we are each waiting for the other to give us something that we know they are capable of, but neither is capable of giving right now. I’ve asked for advice on this before, elsewhere, and been told very flatly that if he’s not in love with me now, he never will be. I don’t see life or emotions as being that black and white. People are eternally changing creatures. Plus I know that it is not for me to wish too hard for the things I want right now… My focus has to be on recovering myself after so many devastating things shifted me so far off of my path. That being said, I would be honored if I could have some advice on what any of you think of the situation. Sometimes knowing you are on the right path isn’t as clear as you’d like it to be, when emotions can cloud the mind like this! I don’t think either of us are ready to totally let go… but am I on a path that makes sense?