I’ve been browsing the site for weeks but am new to the forums. I’ll try to keep my backstory as brief as possible. I was married 16 years and have been single for 8. I’m 45 now. In that 8 years I’ve dated a few people, none I’ve had any real spark with. I met a girl this past winter and we hit it off immensely. She had come out of a serious relationship last fall. She was in the process of moving across the country to be with him, expecting her ring, when it ended overnight.

She wasn’t ready for a relationship, and I knew it too, but everything about our personalities aligned. We clicked, and it was amazing and things progressed fairly quickly. I’d had experiences I’ve heard about others having that I always wanted and had never had myself – like staying up all night talking until the sun came up.

There were some differences. Some important ones. She is early 30’s and wanted a family, while I don’t. However for that chance to do life over again with that one special person I’d have done it. I wasn’t closed to it, it just wasn’t something I’d considered at this point. However each step she’d take she’d also shutdown momentarily and pull back. She was the first to say she loved me, but that was like turning a switch for her. Once she said it she began to shut down and pull back, and it was the beginning of the end. She told me I was the perfect partner/match for her, just at the wrong time and she wasn’t ready and couldn’t do a relationship now. I know her and no matter what she’s feeling she won’t come back now. its been weeks without contact and I know its over.

For me though its something I can’t let go. Its my first thought when I wake and last on my mind when I go to sleep. I’ve gone through hell before when my marriage ended, and found a way to survive it, but it was a terrible long and painful time, and that was my only answer, time. I’m trying to be more proactive this time around but I’m stuck in the pain.

I read the articles about letting go, finding happiness, and on and on, and I agree with them, but I feel like my light inside has gone out. How do I find and manufacture happiness inside when I’m just miserable being alone?

I’m trying to practice mindfulness. Acknowledge my feelings – I ‘feel and be with’ the depression and anxiety, but it doesn’t seem to change it. I’m trying to practice gratitude as well. I am thankful (pain aside) to know that I’m capable of love again. I honestly didn’t know if I was. I’ve seen some intimacy issue I have that I am talking to a counselor about to make myself a better partner for the future, and I’m working on other shortcomings of mine. All positives that have come out of this.

Still, I’m stuck, and I don’t know if I’m getting better, and ‘keep your chin up’, ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, ‘get back on the horse and start dating’, ‘let go and move on’ just don’t seem to help. I’d found a love I didn’t know could exist, and I’m stuck.

Turned out much longer than I expected. If you got this far thank you, and if you have anything to share I appreciate it.