Problem that spreads across a few forums

[Greenleaf]

Hi- new here and hope to get the hang of the forums and the ways to utilize knowledge here soon!

Having been forced to resign from a charitable organization last year, where I more than fulfilled my duties, but mismanagement (I’m guessing here) lead to all of the longterm people leaving or being let go, myself included, I turned to taking what I learned and pursuing what I’d gone there to learn: expanding my consultancy. I’ve worked with family and friends for decades and have not had a problem until now. Currently, I’m a consultant coordinating between a dear friend and an older relative, also trying to expand a charitable endeavor- a great project. This relative knows my financial problems since I resigned, but/and assured to all involved that he could fund his part to pay me to pursue Phase 1, which I executed successfully.

When it came to getting paid, the tone has turned to no communication, no payment, belligerence and no way to move forward. Finally, the friend has stepped in to pay and we have tried to figure out a game plan to move ahead with the next Phase, with or w/o the relative, who does seem in over his head, when reviewing his work. The problem is, it’s a very close relative, who knows about my financial struggles, and also that we have a very ill member of my immediate family that has been and needs to be a focus. I’ve not confronted him and can’t until it’s known that we will be able to move forward with him.

I feel he’s struggling, too, both with personal problems, maybe not being able to keep up with the times technologically, etc. That being said, this is not uncommon for him to make poor choices, be belligerent, not be able to follow through on promises— I’ve always known this, but tried to steer clear of those aspects and had always been very tight with him and supportive, nevertheless.

With times being very intense in our very closely-knit family, this is distracting, painful, it undermines my confidence and I’m angry. My partner is tired of this eating up our time (and income). I’ve jumped through every hoop my relative has asked me too to get paid and do my job well— not certain he remembers all of the hoops I’ve jumped through and communications I’ve tried to engage him with, only to be ignored or met with anger. This relative is at all functions, so I will be encountering him regularly.

I guess my question is: How can I be around someone who has had such a negative impact on me, who I need to pretend hasn’t? I need to do this for my family, who is aware of the situation, my friend who wants to continue working with me and was the primary partner (I brought in my relative), and I know I need to be able to turn away from the negativity, as well—

Thank you, anyone who has some clarity or inspiration!

[Matt]

Greenleaf,

I’m a little rusty, but I’ll give it a shot. 🙂 Consider that perhaps you’re projecting your financial insecurity onto your relative. You’re clearly altruistic, and so I have no doubt that if you had tons of money in the bank, this wouldn’t blip much for you. Perhaps “well, I knew what they were like when I started, so, ah well, live and learn, paid education.”

If the above is true for you, then notice how even if their side stayed the same, if your side shifted, the emotional and mental response to them would be freer, lighter, simple. Said differently, they are not the cause of your financial issues, so don’t associate them with it, and it should fade presently. They are one more example of the kind of karmic entanglements you’re learning to let go of. Like, if it wasn’t them personally, you would attract someone else to play a similar role for you until the lesson you need is learned.

Addressing the root, or the need behind the current dischord requires information you didn’t offer. My guess, you’ve lost some trust in your heart, and at some point turned left instead of right. Went south instead of north. Checked your inner compass, and it said no, but other influences pursuaded you to say yes. Perhaps the old company left a bad taste in your mouth? Felt ousted? Aimless?

More likely, you outgrew them, and fortune favored your path by pushing you out of the nest. Right? What do you really want to be doing? Why aren’t you doing that? Been a little distracted?

With warmth,
Matt

[Greenleaf]

Matt, you are not rusty!

You’re right, I feel I can’t trust my heart or some people I loved. Right before I left the original organization, I took out a large loan, so that intensified everything financially. These are all details that may or may not matter and I appreciate the input. That being said, the usual supportive suspects are all there in force, as much as they can be considering the circumstances. I count my blessings in many ways.
To use the nest metaphor- yes! It was a toxic work environment and I had outgrown it. I feel like I landed in another that’s got great potential but has another variety of rotten egg in it! I’m angry that it was taking my focus from doing the work I enjoy and feel good at, (and I do love parts of this work when I can concentrate, but not others, like chasing after money and communication), plus other creative work, plus my loved ones. I do want to see the project through, and it would help me considerably financially, but I could figure out other avenues, as well. My friend and I are hoping to arrange for a different point of contact, which would help everyone and free me up. I can let go of the financial part of it. My friend paying gives me a little breathing room. She’s brilliant, and between us, if the relative’s project is supposed to happen in conjunction with hers, it will. I’m still doing her project regardless and it was first in line.

Any further words of wisdom for what to do with the family dynamic? I do feel betrayed, angry and anxious about spending time with my relative. My family is going through a tough time and this shouldn’t be part of our lives. I’m ready to learn, but am new at the how of it.

Many thanks for your valuable insight!

[Matt]

Greenleaf,

Consider that we can stare down the first slap, and forgive it. We can accept that whatever causes them to act that way, its painful for them, too. Like, the financial dodging indicates something amiss in a relative, and that sucks on its own. That’s family, right? Consider that if they happen to treat family oddly, who knows what mess they’ve made for themselves. With such empathy, we can refuse to let our intention of loving be interrupted by their action and just take the offense and toss it out, forgive it. “Yep, that’s shitty, and now trust is bruised, but whatever. How are you doing?”

That way, we only take the one slap. The next time we see them, its less painful for us, doesn’t reinjure, just echoes a little, fades. And, maybe next time, your compass will indicate earlier. Maybe it even did. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

[Greenleaf]

It did work to take the high road this last encounter. Very valuable advice. I’m experiencing a little grief over who I thought he was to me, but the compass was there and I ignored it, preferring to be amazed at the beginning that things were seemingly bypassing previous warning signs. When I entertain the thought that he is under water and that his actions are a result of that, I can feel some empathy.
Very recently now, the negative actions seem to have escalated, leapfrogged me and landed on my friend. I am bummed about this, but she directed me toward the manner of thinking supported on this site in the first place, so I am optimistic the two of us can make the best of this and she knows she has my support.

Cheers and thanks again!

[Author]

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