Dear Nekoshema:

You know of the term, the elephant in the room. Here is the elephant I see: your mother will be visiting you very soon. You wrote that you are careful in her presence so that she doesn’t hit you once again. So, you will soon be spending time with a woman whom you love and fear at the same time, a woman who terribly abused you and still does, if you are not careful enough.

Well, it is not surprising that you are so careful, that you don’t allow yourself to get excited over a proposed promotion. I figure you shut down your emotions, keeping them under control, because you lived your childhood with an abusive mother, one who will be visiting you very soon.

anita

Dear Nekoshema:

You are welcome. Emotions cannot be forced, as you know, can’t feel this or that because logic says we should. (“I should feel happier… I should be excited”)

The reason I mentioned the physical abuse by your mother as a possibility when she visits you next is because you wrote that if you are not careful about what you say to her, she may hit you (not that she may verbally abuse you).

Reads to me that the reason you felt dread about the possible promotion is that you are afraid of the promotion “being taken away“. I imagine that as a child, sometimes good things happened to you, and you felt happy and excited, but then: BOOM, your mother emotionally abused you and you felt bad again, she took away the happy excited feelings from you. Over time, as this dynamic repeated itself (with your mother and other people), you didn’t want to experience that falling-down sensation anymore, falling down from the high of happy-and-excited, so you stay low (not feeling happy and excited).

Does that make sense to you?

anita

Dear Nekoshema:

“I’m doing everything right”- but how is having your mother visit you in a few weeks, be right?

I mean, she’s been abusive to you, still is, you still think that she has it in her to hit you, you are careful to not trigger her so that she doesn’t emotionally/ physically abuse you.. how can that possibly be right for  you to have her over in your place visiting you?

anita

Dear Nekoshema:

If you want to spend time with your mother, if you have a good time with her (when not talking politics), then I hope you have a good time with her. Having to be somewhat careful about what you say so that she doesn’t feel bad, that is something we all need to pay attention to. For as long as we don’t get mistreated or disrespected, it is okay to think before talking with almost everyone.

Which brings me to the promotion- think before you talk, and keep a “stiff upper lip” when it is better that you do. On the job think of yourself being your own manager, Nekoshema managing Nekoshima: when to talk, when not to talk, what to say here, what to say there. Take a few deep breaths throughout the day, say encouraging things to yourself, and make that promotion happen. It will be a nice way to start the new year, promoted!

anita

Dear Nekoshema:

You are welcome.

Several replies back I wrote to you that you cognitively multi task, remember? I wrote that your thoughts are all over the place (at times at least), too many details, too many people in your posts, difficult to follow. It fits with what you wrote above, that you “start chatting and it comes back to bite me”.

Too much information, too many details, the listener gets confused, or misunderstands what you say, not a good thing. So talking less, waiting for the listener’s response before saying more, sticking to one topic instead of addressing multiple topics at any one time, filtering yourself – an excellent resolution for the new year. It will improve your professional life and your personal life.

Happy New Year and looking forward to read from you anytime (you can practice talking, or more accurately typing less, sticking to one topic, filtering yourself right here in your thread!).

anita