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  • #329757
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So, I’ve been trying at work for nearly 4 years for a promotion. Every time I’ve tried, something’s happened to prevent it. The first time my first Manager screamed in my face that I was “too f’ing negative” the second time I was told by my first District Manager that it was the worst interview he had witnessed. Third time I gave the “wrong answer” [I found out later I got my boss in trouble. It wasn’t a major issue, just a difference of opinion. Essentially, my District Manager liked red, and my Manager likes blue, and I sided with my Manager] which resulted in me not getting the promotion and my Manager scheduling me 2 weeks close, open, close, open with no day off as punishment. The next 2 years were interpersonal things, my third Manager didn’t like me and would badmouth me to the new District Manager, and I still don’t know what I did. Many of my co-workers would spread rumours about me throughout the store, and by the time I found out, it was too late and they denied the promotion. This February, a new store opened and all but 3 people left to join my last Manager in the new store. Those 3 were people who liked me, so I wasn’t too concerned. Whole new staff, everyone gets along amazingly. I had a sit down with my newest Manager in September to begin working towards a promotion, but a sudden family emergency happened and she left for 2 months [can’t be helped, but I added it to the list of fate telling me to give up] the acting Manager told me at one point he even suggested promoting me at a district meeting but received pushback from other Managers [unsurprising, I know who it was] so I shrugged it off.

    About 2 weeks ago, everything settled down, my Manager has returned, and she came onto the floor and asked me to stay late to work on my promotion stuff. The next week she was having her monthly meeting with the District Manager and asked me to sit in, have a coffee tasting, and go over my promotion plan with him. On Christmas Eve, I was in the break room, my Manager came in, flipped to January, and was talking about this person or that person taking vacation, so she wants to get a solid week, if not two, of training in, starting January 13. I’m a store trainer, so I asked who the new hire was, and my Manager smiled and told me I got the promotion and would begin my training with her on the 13. I felt nothing. I forced a smile and thanked her and hugged her, and we told the people I was working with and they were all happy, but I felt nothing. I told my fiance, I’ve told my family, but I’m not excited. I wanted this, but I keep telling myself January 13 is plenty of time to screw it up somehow. It was too easy, there must of been a mistake. Why don’t I feel excited? Why do I feel like it’s too good to be true? I don’t want to tell other people, especially my friends and co-workers, because it’s not official yet, and I’ll do something to make them change their mind. I don’t want people congratulating me because I’ll disappoint them. [I know that much anyway]

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    #329961
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nekoshema:

    You know of the term, the elephant in the room. Here is the elephant I see: your mother will be visiting you very soon. You wrote that you are careful in her presence so that she doesn’t hit you once again. So, you will soon be spending time with a woman whom you love and fear at the same time, a woman who terribly abused you and still does, if you are not careful enough.

    Well, it is not surprising that you are so careful, that you don’t allow yourself to get excited over a proposed promotion. I figure you shut down your emotions, keeping them under control, because you lived your childhood with an abusive mother, one who will be visiting you very soon.

    anita

     

    #330047
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice.

    I’ve been working on my emotions in therapy. I’ve always struggled with them, but I at least would feel something up until 5 years ago when I had my breakdown. Now, I can feel excited, or sad or happy, but a lot of the time I will be in a situation and go “oh, this is a happy moment. I should feel happier, but I just feel content.” I know I’m no longer depressed, my therapist checked, it’s just the social anxiety atm.

    Regarding my mother’s abuse, I’ve had all the abuse from a lot of people, the majority was actually emotional and verbal. The physical was when I stepped out of line. [sorry, it’s not just you Anita, I really admire you and love reading your responses, I just feel everyone gets hung up on the physical abuse when I tell them when it was far less often than people think.] I feel like I’ve left the situation, I’ve been working on things with my therapist as well as in my personal life, I should be excited after all this struggle, but I feel dread like until it’s the first day of my training, it runs the risk of being taken away. [since you remember my previous thread, only Work Friend knows, I haven’t told the friend or his girlfriend I work with, or his roommate because I don’t want them knowing, but they’ll find out eventually which scares me because they’ll congratulate me. I’ve told my parents, sister, fiance, and K and B and they’ll all more excited for me than I feel]

    #330057
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nekoshema:

    You are welcome. Emotions cannot be forced, as you know, can’t feel this or that because logic says we should. (“I should feel happier… I should be excited”)

    The reason I mentioned the physical abuse by your mother as a possibility when she visits you next is because you wrote that if you are not careful about what you say to her, she may hit you (not that she may verbally abuse you).

    Reads to me that the reason you felt dread about the possible promotion is that you are afraid of the promotion “being taken away“. I imagine that as a child, sometimes good things happened to you, and you felt happy and excited, but then: BOOM, your mother emotionally abused you and you felt bad again, she took away the happy excited feelings from you. Over time, as this dynamic repeated itself (with your mother and other people), you didn’t want to experience that falling-down sensation anymore, falling down from the high of happy-and-excited, so you stay low (not feeling happy and excited).

    Does that make sense to you?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #330239
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    It really does, but I want to feel, it’s like I should be better by now. I’m doing everything right and I’m still failing.

    #330263
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nekoshema:

    “I’m doing everything right”- but how is having your mother visit you in a few weeks, be right?

    I mean, she’s been abusive to you, still is, you still think that she has it in her to hit you, you are careful to not trigger her so that she doesn’t emotionally/ physically abuse you.. how can that possibly be right for  you to have her over in your place visiting you?

    anita

    #330323
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    Honestly, I don’t think she will. Granted, I am being careful not to say anything to upset her, not because she’ll hit me [it’s been about 10 years since it went that far] but because she’ll start crying and blaming herself, then I’ll feel bad and apologize for what I said to calm things down. At the end of the day, she’s my mom, and we do have good times, and it’s only a week, so I just play nice and don’t take things so personally and it’ll be fine. We texts and talk on the phone and it’s been better recently than the last time she stayed at my place [that was in March or April, she left after two days because I was upsetting her so she stayed with my sister and vented to her about how different I’ve become. Granted, by “different” she was upset the night before I introduced her to my friend and we’re both socialists who disapprove of Trump and she’s a Trump supporter and she was upset I didn’t cave and say she was right, even the next morning when it was just the two of us] I’m working on understanding my emotions and coming to terms with my past trauma without shutting down and spiralling into negativity when I’m confronted.

    Going back to the promotion: reading over that, now I’m worried I won’t handle it well because I will have to deal with angry customers and difficult situations, and if I can’t handle a few days with my mom who’s just knows what to say to make me cave, how could I handle this promotion? Hopefully, nothing bad happens in the next two weeks, I’m worried I’ll self-sabotage, so I’m continuing on acting like I’m still working towards the promotion. Just going to keep calm and carry on [stiff upper lip and all that lol]

    #330347
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nekoshema:

    If you want to spend time with your mother, if you have a good time with her (when not talking politics), then I hope you have a good time with her. Having to be somewhat careful about what you say so that she doesn’t feel bad, that is something we all need to pay attention to. For as long as we don’t get mistreated or disrespected, it is okay to think before talking with almost everyone.

    Which brings me to the promotion- think before you talk, and keep a “stiff upper lip” when it is better that you do. On the job think of yourself being your own manager, Nekoshema managing Nekoshima: when to talk, when not to talk, what to say here, what to say there. Take a few deep breaths throughout the day, say encouraging things to yourself, and make that promotion happen. It will be a nice way to start the new year, promoted!

    anita

    #330365
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    Thanks, ^_^

    I’m hopeful for the New Year, it seems many positive things will begin for me in January, I just keep telling myself not to dwell and catastrophize. As for your advice, I am working on thinking before I speak, as well as trying to say encouraging things to myself [I can build other people up, not so much myself lol] I’m also working on keeping my mouth shut. It’s not a bad thing, but depending on how busy it is, or who I’m with, I’ll start chatting and it comes back to bite me, so I’m working on filtering myself and not being so laid back.

    #330437
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nekoshema:

    You are welcome.

    Several replies back I wrote to you that you cognitively multi task, remember? I wrote that your thoughts are all over the place (at times at least), too many details, too many people in your posts, difficult to follow. It fits with what you wrote above, that you “start chatting and it comes back to bite me”.

    Too much information, too many details, the listener gets confused, or misunderstands what you say, not a good thing. So talking less, waiting for the listener’s response before saying more, sticking to one topic instead of addressing multiple topics at any one time, filtering yourself – an excellent resolution for the new year. It will improve your professional life and your personal life.

    Happy New Year and looking forward to read from you anytime (you can practice talking, or more accurately typing less, sticking to one topic, filtering yourself right here in your thread!).

    anita

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
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