August 7, 2018 at 4:10 pm #220627
August 8, 2018 at 8:03 am #220701
- This is gonna be a long one but I need to explain. Been together 28yrs since I was 17. He was 22. Hmoved to a bedsit together both liked a drink then I fell pregnant he was unfaithful a few times and on occasions treated me like crap I can honestly say I’ve never had sex with anyone else during my time with him. 6 more children over the years. Well that’s the start of this post. We lost a baby she was my 5th child much wanted was told something was wrong then saw a consultant to be told all was fine. ..he was wrong! Upon her birth he was very ill with a chromosome condition they wouldn’t do anything to help as her due to her condition and they thought she would die within the 1st few days. Our daughter was a fighter she came home and lived for another 9 weeks it was difficult but we did our best by her and our other kids she passed in my arms at home. Went on to have 2 more kids in a short space of time. We still liked a drink ( I didn’t drink whilst pregnant) he worked i stayed at home. Throughout the whole of this our relationship was okay I guess but I never really had a chance to grieve for my girl I carried on for everyone else I guess. He then saw a fatal accident that’s when the nightmare started. He was drinking more and more would be unpredictable not go to work accuse me of all sorts the final straw was I wouldn’t but him a beer he went crazy smashed the house up one of my kids rang the police he didn’t beat me up but was aggressive at times before this the police arrested him and they set up an injunction until he was prosecuted. I wasn’t meant to see him the kids wasn’t allowed contact it was horrible they had never been without their dad and although we had a fiery marriage he worked hard and was a good dad. He blamed me for what happened and said I had asked for this injunction to happen I hadn’t and tried to stop it but was unable to. He list his job got caught drink driving sold his car and went on a massive binge still blaming me even though I tried to help I paid for somewhere for him to stay I wrote letters maintaining to the court he was a good dad and this was not like him but it got worse he just started going round my friends house showing them pics we had taken together telling them lies blaming me for everything and anything he could my so called friends turned on me and even their kids made my kids lives hell at school I’d had enough by then. I didn’t want to know the injunction was lifted and he was allowed back but by then he was out of control. He didn’t want to be with me and would show up when he had no where else scaring out kids and me. his money ran out and he wanted to come home I said no he dwasnt right mentally anymore. To cut a long story short I tried to help him I still loved him he was a wreck but so was I exhausted scared trying to keep my kids lifes on an even keel. The man I loved was falling apart in front of my eyes but no one would help he had to tell them himself he was ill even after overdosing twice I begged the doctors but to no avail. Then he hit rock bottom of asked his sister for help during the start of it all but she didn’t wanna know he had not been in touch with her for a long time due to just losing touch but a yr before his breakdown we bumped into her and had began to spend lots of time together. His sister had a good job and lovely lifestyle but we had been happy too. All of a sudden he asked for help she took over but promised to keep me posted on what was happening he was admited to a hospital that dealt with these thing. I was so relieved he was getting help maybe we could try to get our family back to how it as. She rang me that night with all the detail. the next day I rang the ward to be told someone would call I’d txt his sister no reply but I waited eventually it was late I’d been worried all day couldn’t get hold of his sis so rang the hospital again to be told they couldn’t tell me anything due to patient confidently. He had cut me off she had cut me off despite all I had tried to do to help u was a messed had months of hell but I wanted to stick by him had tried to help but no one would. She took over an wouldn’t even answer a txt to tell me all was okay he had a bad turn in there and she didn’t even call tell me I was his wife of 20 odd years she had been in his life a yr. He was diagnosed with ptsd there is so much more to tell but it would never end he’s home we’ve got our relationship back but I can’t cope he’s different he had therapy and said he’s okay but my life isn’t he won’t talk about anything that he can’t be doing with he’s working again got his license back but I’ve got nothing my life is on hold I do everything to please him I’m still at home being a mum I was beginning to do things for me when he was ill I had to I needed to get a job and try and be a support for my kids it was so har I was mentally and physically wot out but I was doing it u had been a stay at home mum for year it hard I at rock bottom but my confidence in myself was finally appearing and I could do this. When he came back I stopped he was still under therapy and not ready for work of being left as a house parent whilst I worked . I’m unhappy he still blames me for all that happened and says I treated him like a dog when he was ill I cared deeply I tried to help but I had to do what was right for my kids in the end we were scared of him I don’t think he can remember half of what happened. I’m still doing everything we don’t have loads of money that’s fine but if I try to talk about anything to do with finance a problem with the kids he won’t talk to me it’s like as doing as his life runs smoothly it’s fine he can’t cope if something doesn’t go how he expects it to if I try to talk he shouts and blames me for his past I deal with everything heroes what he wants always out fishing I never say no he does loads but me I’m just stuck here coping with everyone’s crap I’m tired my confidence is at an all time low I’m not allowed to complain about anything I just have to smile and carry on .im scared to to him I love him dearly his kids adore him and he is not a bad dad but his attitude is basically don’t like it tough get a job women stay at home do the kids. But I’m tired tired of doing all of it his life is get up goto work come home lie on the sofa and chill he doesn’t think about how we pay bill the kids problems he had no stress I do everything. I feel like in going mad I have no confidence no life its been bout him through out our marriage and when I had the chance to start doing something for me I stopped to help him. I’m at rock bottom it’s although he wants me like this he belittles me in front of friends but I dare try and home about him he turns so defensive and makes me look like a fool. I’m so down I’m sorry for this long winded post and half of it probably makes no sense but I feel better for putting how I feel out there.
Are you getting any emotional support? Friends? Family? Therapist?
Being at rock bottom makes it hard to be resourceful in changing your life towards the positive.
You are at a place that is unhealthy, for you and for your children. You know you need to change your situation.
Go start getting help to do that. One step at a time.
MarkAugust 8, 2018 at 9:04 am #220711
Dear Bobi jane:
Reads to me that he is giving you 100% responsibility for anything and everything that has been wrong in his life, blaming you. He is invested in blaming you. Likely, he feels better pointing the finger of blame at you- when he talks to his family members and friends and blame you, he gets their sympathy. When he blames you directly, he feels justified to .. do nothing at all about the failing relationship. It is convenient for the one blaming and as you know, it is very distressing to be the one blamed.
As long as this continues, this is a bad relationship for you to be in. I don’t see a way for you to be healthy in this dynamic, being the blamed one, the Guilty One.
If you told him that you will take responsibility for your part in the failure of the relationship, but not for his part; if you suggested to him that he has some responsibility for what has gone wrong in his life, how would he respond?
anitaAugust 10, 2018 at 8:09 am #220995
Thanks for taking the time to read this sorry I’ve not responded sooner it’s summer holidays and all kids are home. I have said to him that it’s not all me he just turn gets angry and accuses me of gas lighting. But o feel it’s him doing that if I manage toget my point across he then ignores me it’s so difficult at times we are happy ‘i guess’ but only if it’s what he gets all he wants.August 10, 2018 at 9:10 am #221011
Dear Bobi jane:
The kids keep you busy, busier during summer. You are paying a heavy price for living with him, to void yourself in this relationship, in your home, to be The Wrong One, the guilty one. “it’s been all about him for 4 years now”. Question is how longer can it continue this way.
Being busy with the children helps, I suppose, the “happy ‘I guess” times, help somewhat. Another question is, can you live separately from him, end the marriage. Is that an option for you?
anitaAugust 10, 2018 at 9:35 am #221019
Thanks Mark sorry I didn’t see your reply to my post. Your right I guess one step at a time I don’t think I have the confidence to go any faster!August 10, 2018 at 9:49 am #221031
I don’t know is the honest answer I live him we have kids and we have been together a long time. I get angry that no one would help me when he was ill it was all about him sounds stupid I know. I still don’t really understand much about what happened during his time in hospital or his therapy. I had to learn what ptsd was through Google. I don’t really think you ever get cured so to speak. I know he loves me he doesn’t drink anymore. I was thinking of having some sort of counselling for me but will he throw it in my face when we row? Maybe we are both just clinging onto each other. The kids adore him he does do things with then maybe I’m scared they won’t wanna be with me. All I know is I’ve got to do something for me. I absolutely love being a stay at home mum and I’m grateful I was able to do that. B7t some he was ill things have changed we have both changed I need to try and believe in myself I guess.August 10, 2018 at 10:27 am #221041
Dear Bobi jane:
Maybe quality counseling will help you, I think it is a good idea if such is available to you. There are many things to consider: the kids, six of them, you staying at home, and you see some redeeming quality about him, knowing he loves you. Meaning somehow he communicates love to you..?