Good morning Valora

I know what you mean, yes – it is exactly so. And not just men, some people in general don’t see or are not worthy of having quality in their life. Because quality needs time and personal work… And for lazy self centered minds, that’s just not worth it.

I had a big talk with myself. And I think I snapped out of it. Or at least that’s a start to reprogramming my self perspective. You and Anita helped me more than you can ever imagine… Truly it isn’t because you told me so and I agreed, it’s because things clicked and like, the fog has cleared. Not magically, but utterly realistically.

Yes, that poor girl that had him all along, or the new one, are in it for a ride. But you know sometimes, men just click with a woman and change for her. Because some women are just what they need. A boss to them,  a mom. That b*tch archetype men with low emotional abilities need in order to have a guide in their lives.

I have to start and accept. And I’m making some progress. The past can’t be retrieved for a reason. Because of evolution. Life can’t stop… I would say “I hope I’ll find someone etc…” but to be honest, I don’t give a crap about it any anymore. The constant preoccupation about the future has worn me off. It exhausted me, that’s enough… I’ll try and live. Not think about living.

Dear Anita,

I’m sorry for my late reply. I did a mini internet detox because honestly, I’m wasting so much time online.

Yep, one hundred percent true. My parents are really lousy at communicating stuff to us. I blame it partially to the age gap, partially to them having us at a young age (my mom being 24 and dad 27) and partially to their own upbringing and influence from their parents.

The happy part is that even as late as they’ve been to catch up on their flaws and on the reality that we are not robots, they want and try to change! So I’ll be posting for any improvements here.

Starting this exploration of myself, I decided to do something I wanted ever since I was a kid, a navel piercing. As stupid as it might sound, small changes are a big deal for me. And for the first time in my life, I don’t really give a crap if anyone is displeased.

Secondly is that for the past 3 days, I detached sooooo much from my anxiety about the future. I have been giving no thought to it and it’s amazingly satisfying :-D. As for the present moment, I try and think with my own perspective and release those thought patterns, ideas and taboos my parents and grandparents embedded on my brain. I always wanted to live a life that would make my parents and grandparents proud. Now I want to make ME happy. That’s my priority.

With the ex situation, I’ve been highly progressing and letting go. I even saw a dream about how he wanted a second change and I was so apathetic about it, in the dream and after I woke up as well. I don’t think about him any more, nor do I get panic attacks. So I’m letting him go.

On another note, do you have any advice on how to communicate better with my therapist on our sessions? I feel I drift and don’t focus on what’s important. I go there to find myself yet, I go on talking and she doesn’t much. Any ideas?

Good evening Anita,

I had approximately 8 to 9 sessions with her. I found her through google, she is near where I live and happens to be on of the most famous psychotherapists in the country (been on tv, magazines etc).

To be honest I didn’t make much of that aspect. I chose her because of the proximity and gender factor. I felt I could open up better to a fellow woman about such intimate stuff.

She is down to earth, literally a woman next door, just like an aunt or your mom’s best friend, that type of thing. So she is familiar and that’s comforting. She engages in conversations with me, asks me about seemingly random things about me and then ties them together to make a case. I don’t know if I make any sense right now lol.

But I feel she focuses too much on my family and history and less on actually worhking with me to help me find myself. Because she was the one who said that we should work together to help me find who I truly am.

Another thing is she gives me examples about patients she has (of course without any names) and from her own lofe as well. It helps but, I need the heavy stuff. My fear is that I give money to talk, which helps, but doesn’t solve my issues at core. I want to see changes. It comes with time and consistency and effort but nevertheless, it has to start happening.

Do you make anything of it? 🙂

Dear Anita,

This past week has been a bliss. Total silence in my head, Tranquility and peace. Never felt so awake or relieved. I hope it lasts. Living in the present moment is amazing. I can’t believe I do it! It’s emotional to think about how I no longer think about the future. Sounds silly, but it means the world to me.

I read your response yesterday but wanted to deeply think about it, process it and meditate on it. Turns out, it makes sense. I know who I am, but I guess I mistake my “lack of self awareness” with “fluidity of tastes”. And I guess that’s fine by me. My therapist insists that the root of all my problems, anxiety, failed relationships in life and oppression by others is that I am not fixed on my ideas, tastes even the fact that as kid had no set professional goals (for example I want to be a teacher growing up). So she claims that lack of identity creates lack of goals which creates openness to susceptibility and exploitation by others. She goes on saying that almost all kids create a standart identity at the age of 14 and onward and that I skipped that process (adolescence) because I had the repression and molding from my family.

It makes sense but for the most part, I don’t know anyone that has their sh*t together 100% of the time. Some people have set tastes and other like me are more fluid. But on the core aspects of my life as you pointed out, I know what I want and need. And that’s a strong indicator of my identity.

She only said that I need a loooot of work and that she would give me exercises and “homework” to better myself but still no sign of that… She is against group therapy, self improvement books, articles and magazines saying, not one duet is suitable for all people. One thing that concerns me is that once I overheard (unintentionally) her session with another client whilst on the waiting room. That woman was being cheated from her husband,he had no respect or care for her, causing her immense pain, and because she has 2 kids and no job, my therapist said that she should try and fix her marriage. That it would be a loss on her part financially, that she should not let that other woman win and that women with no income can’t divorce and should stay even if the couple lives totally different lives. That made me sick to my stomach…

Truthfully, I got so much help from Tiny Buddhas than I did with my therapist, books, videos etc. I don’t know if I should change therapist or completely abandon the practice.

Dear Anita,

Good evening first of all! I talked about this with myself (internally of course). It does seem stupid and non logical as you point out. When she actually told me that, I told her the truth: my first dream was to study law and become a judge, but I was talked out of it, as I am not a person to memorize easily and law school is 80% memorizing, well, laws. My second, biggest dream and the one that gives me pain to the gut for not achieving, was to become an opera singer. I was successful at passing the audition for the conservatory and got in, but my parents couldn’t afford it so that flopped. Add in my parents disregard of it as an actual job, it died. Her answer to all of this was that I’m wrong, that those were never my goals because if they were, I would have done everything to achieve them. They were an illusion of having it all together in my mind. Simply, not true. I disagreed then and still do now.

So, I told her I was considering studying for law school. Now at age 25, having a stable job with a good income, having been done with my studies, single and with ample free time (plus I work at a law firm and the people there want to support me on this), I can give it a shot. After all if it doesn’t work, or it does and I change my mind, I’ll not be on the loosing side. She said that it would be a waste of tume and of the finest of my years trying to achieve the impossible and that I would end up marriage-less and childless. Go figure…

What I meant with abandoning the practice is that I’m considering not going to a therapist again. True I make a good income for the standards of my country but, I don’t want to lose more time or money to gain nothing and just chat. Is there hope in therapy?

Good morning Anita,

Oh that’s so considering of him! I’m glad this therapist was such a professional. It’s really rare nowadays to get the quality work you pay for.

On the contrary my therapist doesn’t even pick up the phone when I call her. She would only receive sms texts through her “receptionist” which I never laid eyes on… I think she’s a ghost lol.

And correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t this unprofessional for therapy? I mean I know you can’t nag your therapist outside your sessions but, uf for example I’m desperate, something happened: panic attack, suicudal thought etc, aren’t they obligated to pick up the phone and help you, as any other doctor would in case of an emergency? Well, she clearly doesn’t. Nor has she ever said that she’s here for me whatever should happen.

I want to confess something, I don’t have friends. As in real friends.  Friendly acquaintances that’s all I have. People who don’t even care to call for a coffee or stand by side when times are rough. True I talk with many people but if I suddenly fo missing, they wouldn’t call or text. They didn’t help me through my breakup or anything ever. So I have cut tues with ALL those people for over a month now. Sometimes it gets too lonely but, it’s better than faking bliss.

I give everything to people who I consider friends. In return I get nothing. Not in material stuff (which even then there’s no equal give and take) but emotionally. I told my therapist that I don’t know who other people do it, how do they make lasting friendships? She told me she doesn’t trust her friends either and that even if I did have friends , I shouldn’t trust them and ask for their advice because that’s what psychologist are for, not friends. Sad.

Dear Anita,

Thank God I’m not the only one to think this way. I knew what she was saying to me was controversial at least. And as a matter of fact everyone in my family and some of my “friends” told me to drop her. But I wanted to explore this route.

Your therapist sounds like a proper professional and honest person! No, I mean, here in Greece it is obligatory to answer all your patients calls or text etc in case of an emergency. Because you care for their emotional health, you carry the responsibility if they live another day let’s say. And of course, I would never misuse this to gain more free time of therapy. I’m too decent for that hehehe.

Regarding what you asked, there are 2 separate times that happened. First time I was miserably sick and almost unable to speak, I was Giving him hints of how unwell I am, how much in pain I am (you know when you want to make someone do a favor to you but without asking, just “prompting them, not in their face type of thing). Well he did get the” message” and he said : “maybe you shouldn’t have come here sweetie if you were that unwell”, “I feel so bad putting you throught this”, “why don’t you call your dad to come pick you up?”. No fights no arguments nothing. I was stupid coward and facking shy. So he dropped me casually like any other day to the metro station, getting off immediately, not even waiting with me for the train to arrive. As usual.

The second time was when again I was in tge worst condition ever, where the same scenario played out, but instead, because I was also with fever as you mentioned, I found the courage and asked him to his face. He said : “swetie I would, but I fear the paint on the car is not yet dried”. His car was painted on Friday and it was Sunday morning. At that time I didn’t know that when cars get painted go to a furnace type of thing and when the come out are COMPLETELY dry and ready to go. So he insisted he couldn’t and that I should call my dad. I told him my papa couldn’t. Then he offered to drop me with the motorcycle to another metro station, so that I could take 2 trains instead of the usual 3. I declined because the point was to get protected for the wind and the cold. Getting on a motorcycle AND having to go through the trouble made no sense. At last he gave up, took the car and dropped me at my place whilst all fhe way being frustrated and pissed he had to endure the traffic ( the roads were basically empty).

After both those incidents I texted him how I thank him so very much and how I appreciate all that he does for me and our relationship. That he is my blessing and that i am proud of him. He would say the same things sometimes but never that long of a text. Usually he would sent emotional emojis, hearts etc.

And now dear Anita, laugh with me please as we realize how naive (to say the least) I’ve been.