Raped by a police officer

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This topic has 40 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 5 months ago by StealthInfosecProgrammer.

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April 8, 2018 at 6:15 pm #201369

Emma
Participant

Hi,

I’m new here so instead of being my incredibly shy self I’m just going to let this out. Firstly, I’m thankful that a professional, who’s trying to help me the best he can and the best his partner can, suggested this site to me. I’m secretly hoping he sees my post because it sounds like he reads things here. All he knows is that I was raped by an ex-boyfriend a few weeks ago. I’m still hurt, in fact it’s taking me time to type this because I have an injured wrist. I was in a relationship with a police officer and looking back he was abusive from the day we first met. I loved and still love this man. I know he’s hurting, just like I’m hurting.. like a lot of us are hurting.

These 2 professionals that are helping me only know the tip of the iceburg with relation to what’s going on in my life. We’re not dating anymore but he comes around or stalks me on his days off. He knows he has all the power and he’s used things against me so that it’s basically impossible for me to report him. No-one will believe me. He is messing everything up for me. All I can think is that in order to get out, I need to die. There’s 2 ways, but I can’t talk about that.

Sometimes when he comes, he brings his friends. Sometimes one, sometimes two of them. This isn’t a life anymore. I’m tired. I’m scared. I have been falling through the cracks of our broken health care system. I am very lucky to have these 2 professionals, it’s been recent that I’ve met them. I’m so thankful that I have them because without them I doubt I’d be able to cope. They can’t do a lot for me, so that is a problem. I’m not sure what else to say right now. I’m feeling sick as I’m trying to type this out.

If you’re the person who suggested this to me, I’m too scared to tell you but if you think this is ‘me’ who you saw today (April 8th) please, next time we meet, just ask if there’s more than one person involved. I’ll know that it’s safe to talk to you.

I feel so stuck and alone. I should have been seen (and still seen) by a doctor at the hospital or Urgent Care Clinic but I’m too afraid to go alone. I hope that by sharing this, even if it doesn’t say a lot.. I hope it helps me somehow.

“Emma6”

April 9, 2018 at 7:38 am #201443

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Emma:

Is there someplace that feels safe for you that you can stay in at this time, a place where you feel safe and comfortable?

You wrote that you were in a relationship with a man who abused you from the day you first met. A few weeks ago he raped you, and as you typed the post above, your wrist was hurting, as a result of that rape. You are no longer in a relationship with this man but he comes by where you live and stalks you.

I would like to understand better:

You mentioned the fact that your ex boyfriend is a police officer, in the title of your thread and in the thread. What does it mean to you, him being a police officer, what makes it significant to you?

In the paragraph starting with “If you’re the person who suggested this to me…”, you mean the professional you mentioned at the beginning of your post, correct? If so, are you not in contact with him (or her), not in counseling or the like with that person?

anita

April 9, 2018 at 9:46 am #201473

Emma
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank-you for writing back to me, It means a lot. I was really nervous when I was writing it. I was in a relationship with a police officer, and yes he was abusing me. Even though we aren’t dating anymore, he still abuses me. What does it mean to me that he’s a police officer? It means he has so much power over me. I tried to report it once and he intervened and I came close to being charged with mischielf for what he called ‘making a false report’. 🙁 He has that much power. Now I can never report him and even if I found some other way to report hiim, I’m too terrified to do so.

I am getting some assistance from two professionals in the community, they come to my home and I spoke with one of them about it. I didn’t share much though They don’t even know it’s a police officer. These 2 people aren’t therapists but they want to help me. The one I saw yesterday reccomended this site/forum to me. I know he mentioned reading some of them. I kind of wish he’d see this and ask me more about what’s going on with me. I’m way too afraid to tell him that the person hurting me is a police officer and that there’s actually more than one person. I know this must sound stupid. I feel so embarassed. (If the person that suggested this to me were to read this, and think.. hey maybe that’s the young lady I’m trying to help.. if he brought up some of what I shared last night here, then I’d know it’s safe to tell him) Does that make sense?

I don’t really have anywhere to go that I feel comfortable and safe. My only option is the shopping mall I go to near my home. The security there know I’m having some kind of problems, they helped me one time when I went there after I was hurt one time. They gave me a ice pack and let me sit in a quiet room, the room is usually used for mom’s who are breastfeeding. I’m allowed to go there if I need somewhere to go that’s quiet and safe. The head of security knows something is happening to me, but I didn’t tell her but I think she knows.

Thanks Anita

April 9, 2018 at 9:48 am #201475

Emma
Participant

Sorry about the errors, I didn’t notice that until I see it now. I had tried by replying to the email notification but it didn’t appear here, so I copied from the email and pasted. I didn’t realize it would show the html stuff. My apologies.

April 9, 2018 at 9:58 am #201479

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Emma:

That’s okay, the extra print.

These two professionals- what kind of professionals are they? And what is it that they do know: do they know that you were raped a few weeks ago?

Did you visit a hospital following your rape or seen a medical doctor: if so, were you asked who hurt you and if so, what did you say?

anita

April 9, 2018 at 10:17 am #201489

Emma
Participant

Hi again,

They are community paramedics who visit people in their homes. They do know I was raped. They’ve encouraged me to go to the hospital but I’m too afraid and I have no-one to come with me. I cannot go alone because I tried a few times on my own and after waiting 6hrs I took off because I ended up having a severe panic attack and the staff at the hospital thought I was trying to create problems by ‘acting out’. In reality, I was having a severe panic attack and no-one wanted to help me.

They told me about an Urgent Care clinic that the paramedics may be able to help me get to, and they can do x-rays there.. as I may need an x-ray for my wrist.

April 9, 2018 at 10:38 am #201495

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Emma:

This is my understanding at this point, what you shared and my thoughts in regard to what you shared. Please let me know if my understanding is correct:

you are very much alone, no close family, no friends, no one you confided with about having been raped three weeks ago (other than very partial disclosure to two paramedics yesterday), or that you were abused prior to that by your ex boyfriend. There is no one to take you to a clinic or to a hospital and wait with you there.

You attempted to report the rape to the police but your ex boyfriend intervened and threatened you with a false report charge. He also stalks you alone or with other police officers or friends of his, in an attempt to further intimidate you.

Following the rape of three weeks ago (and perhaps physical abuse before that), you did not see any doctor, or any medical professional in regard to injuries. You mentioned your wrist pain to the two paramedics you saw yesterday, but no physical examination has taken place.

My thoughts: without a physical examination, without a medical record following your rape, at this point, there is probably no medical proof that there was a rape. It is his word against his.

*If he has a history of a rape charge, a record of any sexual misconduct and/ or domestic violence and such, then your word on the matter may carry more weight.

I wonder what he is afraid of, what motivates him to stalk you. I wonder that because legally, if he doesn’t have the record I mentioned above, he has nothing to worry about, does he. No proof of any kind that there was a rape or that there was physical abuse prior to that.

anita

April 9, 2018 at 11:21 am #201505

Emma
Participant

Anita,

I’ll explain more later. I’m going to rest now. Thanks for being here.

Emma

April 9, 2018 at 11:30 am #201515

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Emma:

You are welcome. I hope you have a good rest.

anita

April 9, 2018 at 12:41 pm #201533

Mark
Participant

Emma,

https://centers.rainn.org/

Call and find out what local resources that can help you through this, legally and medically, psychologically.

Mark

April 9, 2018 at 2:24 pm #201541

Amy
Participant

Hi Emma,

I am so very sorry to hear what you have gone through and what continues to happen with this man– you are SO strong for coming onto the forums on TinyBuddha and for starting to speak out about what happened to you! I know that right now you are very scared and you feel alone in this, but I promise you– I believe you and I see how much you are struggling, you’re not alone as much as you feel like you are. People are out there who WILL believe your story and what happened to you. I also want to make sure you know that this is in NO way, your fault. Regardless of whether or not you were at one time dating.

You are so strong and resilient and it’s clear that you want to get help for yourself– having the help of these two paramedics is also a great place to start. It’s really good that you are trusting your own boundaries and have not necessarily opened up to them in person about this until you know more about who they are and whether or not you can trust them with these personal details.

Mark mentioned one organization, RAINN, which is one good place to start. This is a national organization that has a lot of good information and people to talk to. You can call them directly which is SAFE and CONFIDENTIAL– your phone number will not be visible to them: 800.656.HOPE (4673) If you would rather speak to them online, you can access a Chat forum which is also confidential here: https://hotline.rainn.org/online/terms-of-service.jsp

I would start here and see what information you can get from them and make the most informed decision you can for moving forward– depending on what state and city you are in, they are also other resources/organizations specific to your area for Rape and Assault.

Please feel free to e-mail back on this chain as often as you need! The TinyBuddha community is happy to help in any way we can and we will be here for you as you go through this process.

I hope that this helps–my thoughts are with you!

Amy

April 9, 2018 at 2:55 pm #201545

Amy
Participant

Hi Emma,

FYI– here is another National Resource, National Domestic Violence Hotline. It’s also free, confidential, and available 24/7. You can reach an advocate to talk over the phone at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) . They have a similar chat functionality that can be accessed here: http://www.thehotline.org/what-is-live-chat/

Anyone is welcome to call or chat and they often speak with survivors, friends of survivors, family members, coworkers, etc. You are welcome to reach out to ask questions, just to talk, to get advice/guidance, etc.

Amy

April 9, 2018 at 6:09 pm #201561

Emma
Participant

Wow, thank-you everyone. I somehow feel less alone in this, but take no offense,.. I’m struggling so much that I don’t know how I can go on. This is only one of the things I’m dealing with and I’m so overwhelmed. I’m in what I call ‘protection’ mode.. I know, strange name for all this crap. I’m just wanting to sleep, so I don”t have to feel. Then when I sleep too much I feel aswful for being lazy.

There was a terrible loss in my country this past weekend, I know it’s been shared world-wide. For those that don’t know Canada lost 15 people in a tragic bus accident. These young men and coaches died. These young men were on their way to a hockey game. Some of them had promising careeers in Hockey. I wish I could take the place of one of those young men. My death wouldn’t be tragic.. believe me, it wouldn’t. 🙁

Prayers for Humboldt, Sask. # leaveahockeystickout, # oneoftheboyswillneedit # prayers4Humboldt

I’ll respond tomorrow to your kind messages. I can’t thank you all enough.

April 10, 2018 at 3:52 am #201599

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Emma:

You were raped three weeks ago by your then police officer boyfriend (who abused you throughout the relationship, from day one) and you are still physically hurting from that rape. You did not see a doctor or any health care professional for your physical injury or injuries. The ex boyfriend is currently stalking you, by himself at times, and with his friends at other times.

And yet, “This is only one of the things I’m dealing with”, you wrote.

I wonder if it may help you to share about those other things you are dealing with. Maybe it will help you feel less overwhelmed. You are welcome to share about those things here, if you would like.

anita

April 10, 2018 at 7:44 am #201631

Amy
Participant

Hi Emma,

Thanks for your reply– I’m glad to hear that it’s helping if even the smallest amount! It absolutely makes sense that you are struggling right now and that you don’t want to feel anything. Protection mode is a totally natural thing and makes sense that this is happening to you after what you’ve been through. Your body and mind are working hard to protect you and wanting to sleep more and go into a sort of hibernation in order to be safe is what you’re craving.

I’m so sorry to hear about the national loss of the hockey team– it sounds like there is an awful lot going on in your world right now and everything seems upside down.

Please do write back in when you feel up for it and we will be here! FYI– I am pretty sure that you are still able to use the resources mentioned previously if you are in Canada– both the online chat functionality and phone lines are accessible to U.S. and Canada.

Amy
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