Hi everyone,  just checking in. Sorry I haven’t responded to the messages. I’m isolating cause I’m really, really hurting this week. I was raped again. Last night I couldn’t handle it and I went to a waterfall .. I was ready to jump. I went when it was dark so no-one would see me but someone walked right past me when I was on the railing.  Guess he didn’t care enough to ask if I was OK.  I’m sure glad he didn’t call the police though. It’s the last thing I need.

I got some bad news about something else and I wish I had ONE person I could count on to advocate for me. Nope, no suck luck and the advocating I need isn’t something a help line can do about this. How much more can I take before I literally break. Some days I don’t even think I know who I am anymore. 🙁

I’ve changed my picture to a mandala that I painted myself. I do like to paint but it’s tough to be motivated to do anything.

Thank-you, all of you, for being here.

Hello,

I guess with  no response from Anita, we know she’s gone from this thread. End of story. Move along.. right?

I appreciated your support Amy, that means a lot to me. Thank-you for the advice Mark. I’m supposed to be going to a clinic tomorrow to see a doctor about this stuff. One of the paramedics is willing to help me get there and back. I really don’t want to go. I am so exhausted and I have chronic pain (and that has been bad too) In order for me to be able to go tomorrow, I need to get everything ready tonight and I’ve barely moved off the sofa. I’m scared to go tomorrow and I just want to stay home. I might try to get things ready, because then if I feel like I can actually do this, I won’t have to get up early tomorrow and stress about getting ready.  I tried calling the clinic to see if a female doctor would be on, but of course they don’t answer the phone. I’m not sure if I can do this. I’m also worried that I could wait hours. This clinic is like a mini-hospital, the only one we have in this city. I guess you could call it an alternative to the hospital for less severe issues. They can do an x-ray for my wrist if needed. It’s a long drive and I don’t want to have the paramedic take up his time and if I find it’s a male doctor I don’t know what I’d do.

signed..  a very tired, depressed and lonely Emma  🙁

Hi everyone.. and to Amy,

Amy, thank-you for checking in. I did go to the clinic but it went horribly wrong. The nurse asked me why I was there and she asked if I am feeling depressed, I said yes. Then she asked if I had suicidal thoughts, I said yes but not right now and that those feelings come and go. When the doctor came in, he was soooo close to having me ‘formed’ as in sending me to the ER without my consent to be assessed by a psychiatrist. I almost freaked out. I called the paramedic, he was on stand-by sorta, in case I had any issues at the clinic. I told him I wanted to just take off and go home, but he said that could make things worse.

I needed several things looked at/done and all he did was send me for an x-ray on my wrist. He never even examined my wrist. He spoke to me that he can’t help me anymore and that what I ‘need’ is a psychiatrist. Ummm, how is a psych supposed to help physical injuries?! I left the clinic in a panic attack. I went to the coffee shop next door to wait for the paramedic to come get me. Once I got in the car, I totally fell apart. I’ve been feeling worse ever since. (by the way my wrist isn’t broken but I can hardly move it) I know I need help from a therapist, and I do have Art Therapy once/week but I was at that clinic for physical reasons. I’ve been having a more difficult time since having gone to the clinic.  🙁

Every night I’m falling apart, I’ve attempted suicide twice.. once last night and this past Saturday. I have a lot of other things going on too. One thing is this.. I’ve had a mental health worker for approx 8-10yrs and I’m losing her support. She used to help me with a lot of things, setting goals, supporting me at appointments, accessing services in the community ect.. She talked about my services ending in the Fall last year but never brought it up again. She didn’t speak of it again, and I figured it was because she knew I’ve been going downhill. Out of the blue, I got an email from her last week saying ‘WE’ want to help you through this transition.. so get this, I have to meet someone NEW, try to build trust..which is so hard for me, and have this new worker ‘tie up loose ends’ and be left and then drop me.. with nothing. I cannot deal with this, are they asking me to end my life, cause it’s working. I’m already falling through the cracks in our broken health care system but hey.. who cares, let’s let her fall some more.  🙁

I know I have these 2 paramedics, but as they’re getting to know me, I believe from what the one said last week, that they’re not trained to help people with the help I need. I just want to end my suffering, I’m tired of all this, I’m tired of being so exhausted that I can’t get myself off the sofa to use the washroom. I’m tired of everything.

ps- I was hit the other day, got a big bruise on my face.. no big deal, just they’re hard to cover when I go out and I feel like everyone will stare at me if I got out the way I look right now. Wow, I wrote a lot.. sorry about that.

Thanks for being here Amy.

Emma