Dear Lothar:

If I understand correctly, you met whom you refer to as your first love 34 years ago, when you were 17. She ended the relationship a few years later during her first year at university. You married a different woman when you were 26, and have been “a very happily married.. person” for 25 years. Your first love is married as well.

Recently, your first love popped into your head as you are longing for “a lost friendship, a  missed opportunity”. You sent her two messages, trying to reconnect, and she didn’t answer you. You feel “both rejected and like I have made a huge mistake”-

– I would like to understand better, therefore I ask: why do you think sending her the messages was a mistake, and why might it have been a huge mistake?

anita

Lothar,

That’s NOT an old friend.

That’s someone you cared about 34 yrs ago.

If it were a friendship, you would have stayed in touch through the years, sent Christmas cards, got to know each other’s families.

This was a brief relationship, 34 yrs ago. You were friends then.

Completely different people now, so it would be very surprising if she responded to you-now a stranger.

Did you mention to your wife you were attempting this reunion of sorts?

She definitely might not remember you after 34 years & there’s no real reason she would. Sounds like you’ve romanticized this. Life moves forward, you should too. And seriously consider why you are attempting to re-kindle this connection.

Talk to your wife before this gets bigger.

-my 2 cents.

Dear Lothar:

Consider the idea that it wasn’t a mistake, or that if it was a mistake, it wasn’t a huge mistake. Looking at your story, the little told, I don’t see anything huge about you reaching out to her. It feels huge to you, but it is not huge. But this feeling will most likely pass.

What may be huge is the pandemic that is happening and has been happening for so long, and getting older, mortality.. yes, that’s huge. We often look away from what is really happening in our lives/what  is huge,  and we focus instead on something small, projecting our huge emotions into something not very important. It feels safer, more manageable to do that.

“what if she didnt remember me at all?.. What if.. I don’t warrant a second thought”?-

-reads like the musing of a man who is becoming more aware of his own mortality: what if the world does not remember me at all, when I am gone..

As to the woman, the fact that she didn’t respond does not necessarily mean that she doesn’t remember you (that is unlikely), or that  you don’t warrant a second thought. It may be that you warranted many thoughts and emotions, some may be pleasant,  others may be unpleasant, and she is overwhelmed, uncomfortable.

anita

You are welcome, Lothar. Anytime you want to post  on any topic, please do.

anita