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reading between the lines….

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • May 7, 2014 at 11:01 am #55951
    futureisbright
    Participant

    Hello, my recent relationship just ended two days ago. We were together for six months. I was really happy and surprised it ended so suddenly. My partner was separated and a mother of two children. Their marriage broke up two years prior to me meeting her. The marriage broke up because her husband was treating her badly, he bullied her in their marriage.

    She told me that she had problems with feeling guilty about the break up of the marriage and some times found she would feel guilt about bringing children into an un happy marriage.

    Our relationship started quite quickly, and I thought it was going well.

    I don’t want this to be too long so I will move to the break up. We had arranged to meet up as we normally did, before I left to go see her I got a text message explaining that she felt she couldn’t take the next natural step in a relationship.

    I went to see her to talk, she said that she has been emotionally up and down recently and that she couldn’t take the next step and that it was not my fault. She said she thought she had turned the corner on the problems with feeling guilt in relation to her separation and what had gone in the past. She explained that she felt I would be missing out on things such as having children and being married because those are things she couldn’t see her self wanting to do again. She said she felt guilty about this and that she might need to back to seeing a councillor.

    I asked if this is something that we could work through together and she said no. She wanted some space and that it was nothing to do with me that it was her. She said she didn’t know how she felt and that she might have been trying to fill a void with our relationship.

    I told her that I was happy with her and that’s all that mattered the kids marriage thing was not hugely important to me. Her response was how can you say that. Its because I love her and love being with her.

    I am hoping she will change her mind and want to work things out, I know this is long thanks for reading I hope its coherent. Hard to pull all the information together as there is a lot going on.

    I really wanted to be able to make this right or do something, I find it hard to just forget about her I do wonder did or does she love me at all.

    May 7, 2014 at 11:27 am #55952
    Kelly
    Participant

    I’m sorry to hear of the breakup of your relationship. I know how difficult that is, as I am still recovering from my breakup six months ago.

    What struck me most about your post were these lines: “She wanted some space and that it was nothing to do with me that it was her. She said she didn’t know how she felt and that she might have been trying to fill a void with our relationship.” As hard as it is, I think you need to take this to heart. In these words, she is telling you that regardless of if you want to get married and have kids, she still has things to work out within herself before she can be in any kind of romantic relationship with you. So even if you’re willing to forsake marriage and kids, she needs space.

    I, too, invested in a relationship with a married/separated person. Our relationship started quickly as well and it was everything I thought I wanted. It ended up being a very difficult road to go down with the subsequent divorce and custody battle over the kids. I saw red flags in the beginning, but I was blinded by my infatuation/love for this man. My intuition told me he would need time to recover emotionally from the end of his marriage, but he insisted up and down that he never was in love with her, that he and I had an incredible connection, that I was “the one”, etc. In your case, she is telling you she needs time and space to heal. Whether she loves you or not is sadly not going to change the fact she needs to find closure in her marital situation. Is she moving toward divorce or could there possibly be a reconciliation? In my opinion, two years is a long time to be separated with no movement one way or the other. But of course, every relationship is unique.

    I’m sorry for your pain. It’s trite, but I do believe that if it’s meant to be, she will find her way back to you. Give her time and space to find her way.

    May 7, 2014 at 1:14 pm #55958
    futureisbright
    Participant

    They have a settlement drawn up but cannot agree on the split of the money left from their how sale. She said she would never go back to him because of how he treated her. Kelly thanks for replying, I am sorry to hear about your relationship ending, from what you have said I reckon you are far better off without that guy.

    If she had of said that she loved me, I would know there is hope but right now I don’t know. Hurts a bit to think I might of been getting so attached to some one blind to the possibility that I could be just filling a void.

    May 13, 2014 at 11:45 am #56228
    futureisbright
    Participant

    Recently I have more questions than answers, She didn’t say it was over. Just asked for space and said that we wouldn’t be together. Is this a form of letting some one down easy? any one else had a similar experience?

    I found my mind was a bit boggled looking for answers when in fact I guess reading back over my post there’s a lot of answers is it just a case of picking one and getting on with it?

    May 13, 2014 at 12:46 pm #56230
    Matt
    Participant

    Futureisbright,

    Consider picking up a book by Pia Mellody. She writes a lot about, and has studied relationships, where there is a void inside that leads to the partners becoming the light for one another. This inevitablly leads to a “fast fall” and an unstable intimacy. Said differently, from your description, it sounds like you fell into a codependent relationship, and in her asking for space, you actually dodged a bullet. It may be flattering to be the main source of another’s happiness, but over time it becomes more and more difficult to be yourself.

    Consider some questions to ask yourself: “Why would I sacrifice my desire for her?” “What is the difference between being in love and being addicted to love?” “If the relationship was a mirroring connection, do I have a matching void inside me that she was filling? How do I fill that void myself, so the next relationship is more stable?”

    Pia Mellody’s work is on amazon, perhaps read a few pages and see if it shazams you, seems like a reflection of where you’re at. You spend much of your post on her side, so its mostly a guess. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    May 13, 2014 at 1:21 pm #56231
    futureisbright
    Participant

    Thank you for replying, I am going to check those books out. In some ways I haven’t accepted and find it hard to accept its over. Even though no ones said it. We haven’t spoken since and is it worng of me to seek some clarity as to were she is with the whole thing?

    I would feel bad in doing this because she seemed to have so many issues on her plate, it may be inconsiderate of me to ask out right if its completely over.

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