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Ready to Live- What are my next steps?

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  • #367466
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi. I’ve made a couple of posts several months ago (March/April?) chatting with Anita and have deleted all of the info since then. I’m extremely saddened and down that, although I’ve moved back home, things haven’t been getting better at all. I won’t go over what I said in my forum threads in the past. I’m also not sure if this username is the same username I used or not. Hopefully, it is.

     

    I graduated from high school, which is good. I didn’t yet when I wrote my last thread. I’m now taking an online course that I enjoy greatly- it relates to holistic health. I had no plans for college/university or having a long-term career in any particular field. To be honest I ended hs on a bad note. My dad offered if I wanted to take any school online he’d pay for it. I’m very very grateful for that. I wanted to use that opportunity to pick someone I’m genuinely drawn to. The course itself is amazing and I am learning very new things from it. I’ll elaborate more on my next steps. This post I’m sure will be terribly long as it is.. That’s me for you lol.

     

    I would like to get this bit out of the way. Mainly for my own wellbeing since there’s nobody I can express my thoughts to, but I do hope it can provide insight on what’s going on in general in my life currently. It may sound like a rant but I’m not saying any of this out of sudden anger, but mostly out of exhaustion and a “When will this **** end already?” mindset. This mostly happened earlier this morning.

     

    After a series of extreme anxiety and stress, I passed my driver’s test today. I never want to drive at this moment. My instructor was very condescending today. My mom and brother discourage me often and barely let me practice in the first place. Lessons were paid, so that’s good. I’ve been trying to get in experience since I got my permit at 16. While I was staying at my grandma’s house, my uncle did offer to drive me and did a couple of times but his method was horrid. Yelling at every little thing. Saying that he’d practice with me less if I made mistakes, and would practice more if I did well (that makes no sense!!) I did mention the whole mess at my grandma’s house and my uncle’s toxicity in my deleted thread.

     

    Anyways I just wanted to get this whole ordeal done with. I used to be excited about finally getting to have a license. One of the things I really wanted to do when I’m free was to travel in a converted van. I’m devastated to say I don’t think I can plan on that for now because of these new anxieties placed on me.. time will tell.

     

    I was never anxious about driving, so I’m furious at the fact that the instructor tried to create a problem where there was none. It was terrible. I tried to defend myself yet got treated worse.

     

    When the lady took my driving test she said everything was good and there was nothing to take points off for. I was a bit ‘close for comfort’ to one of the cars but it wasn’t close to even worry about any kind of mishap. She did say I felt a bit shaky (not driving wise, but I guess she could feel my nervousness).

     

    So my technical skills are fine yet for some reason, people don’t realize that the reason I’m ‘shaky’ or suddenly become ‘worse’ is because of the fear-mongering and discouragement they give me. I simply view driving as a means of transportation to get from one place to another. I genuinely don’t care about being an amazing driver as long as I drive efficiently and.. Wait for it.. The ultimate buzzword “safely”.

     

    I was then told to “humble myself” and not only think about myself but others on the road. And that driving was a “life or death” situation.

     

    I think many things are life and death. If I really drove everyday thinking to myself that I had to watch out or I might die, then trust and believe I’ll have a very high chance of getting into an accident, since I basically manifested it.

     

    Or.. I could just view driving as a means of transportation and get it done with, knowing that I do know how to drive technical-wise. Trust me, I’m already very vigilant to begin with so the fact that I normally feel no anxiety while driving is a miracle. You don’t know how upset I feel that people are trying to ruin this. It got so bad that today I wrote down affirmations with all my intent that nobody’s thoughts, opinions, or beliefs are void and dispelled.

     

    When I was on my way getting dropped off home today after my test, I asked the instructor to pull over near my house. He asked why he couldn’t drop me off directly at the house. When I was getting picked up today, I also set the address to the nearby school. He kept asking why he picked me up at the school. I ignored at first but then he insisted on asking again. I just had to quickly lie with both questions to get him off my chest. Honestly, he’s very very nosy. I’m not keeping it a secret that I don’t want to go directly home. Plus I’m a legal adult and should be regarded as such when it comes to professional services.

    He really thought my mom rescheduled things for me lol, I made no comment. In the first 2 lessons, he also reported what he thought of my driving to my mom once he dropped me off.. Without me asking. I couldn’t say “I cannot get enough practice because I drive once a week maximum to 2 stores that are 5-7 minutes away” a million more times.. I really couldn’t. I’m not going to never get my license because of a ‘lack of practice’. I’ve managed to squeeze in whatever time I have to drive efficiently enough to go wherever I needed to. Combine that with being told you’re not good enough over and over again. Even typing this makes me want to bang my head on a wall but I really shouldn’t be the one punished in this case.

    I know I’m in a not-so-ideal situation but I have no need to explain that. I’m taking driving lessons not therapy sessions. 0 obligation at all. This is a common theme in my life; where people feel like they have the “right” to hear my life story and personal things about me. I don’t know whether it’s out of plain nosiness or just being condescending since I’m young since mainly adults do this.

    The real reason I actually rescheduled my test at an earlier date is because I’d feel 100x better Getting the test done with since I didn’t like the instructor and knew I would pass. Doing it in secret so that nobody would know accidentally/purposely send discouraging vibes my way</span>

    Because that’s what my intuition was telling me and I’d better be sure to listen to it I already have triggers around honestly expressing my feelings to others and they end up being toxic individuals or full-blown narcs. Even if I didn’t have existing problems, I feel disrespected and violated being questioned.

    Even the topic of it (drving) is triggering to me as of late and I’m in a protective space of healing, and honestly, I don’t know how I’ll be on the road since I always drive with someone next to me (my mom or brother). Of course, we’re in a unique-ish situation that would take a while to describe. We (me & my mom) get the car every week to go food shopping and that’s it.

    I honestly don’t care whether the instructor had good intentions or not although I strongly believe his “good intentions” to be faux since he proudly proclaims himself as a Christian and there are many toxic Christians who hide their toxicity behind the ‘angelic’ gauze of religion.

     

     

    I guess all this happened within the past couple of weeks and I finally got the last lesson and test done today. My title is “what’s next?”.

    When you’re someone in unfavorable circumstances in life, a lot of the times you want to be happy, experience good things.. Not be a magnet for people who “want to help” or a charity case. I love genuine people who want to hear me out. But those people are few and far between. Rather the most outwardly “charitable” people tend to be the most toxic.

    At this moment in my life, I can say I have 0 friends or people for support. I live with my mom and siblings, and dad who’s out of the country currently. None online. None in real life. Nobody I “occasionally” talk to. I tried friend apps.. Dating apps.. Just for fun but I feel horrible using it since it’s a vast lake of fakeness. I uninstalled.. Installed.. Tried it multiple times these past few months. I get this horrible feeling and can already tell that it won’t get me anywhere.. anywhere favorable.

    In real life when it comes to connecting with others.. Well, I’d have to describe in my next post. I feel like I’m trying everything under the sun and nothing’s working. When it comes to social life.. Experiencing fun things.. Idk what’s going on because nothing seems to be favoring me in those areas.

    So I’m constantly in a very protective and self-love-esque state of mind. I do whatever makes me happy.. but all this has really been weighing on me like a solid brick these past few months. My normal methods of chilling out is starting to not work. My mom, while she does genuinely have good intentions for me, expresses it in a way that doesn’t favor me at all (ie driving).

    I am fine physically. I eat fine.. I really enjoy cooking and baking. I don’t neglect myself.. We don’t struggle financially. I really am grateful for that.

    Something is missing in my life. “Emotional support”. “Social support”. I do think these things are necessities to truly live. Yes, you’ll be technically alive with food, water, and shelter.. But you never really are truly “living” without sufficient support. Plus not having true support and dealing with tons of stress in life literally kills people no matter how physically fine they are.

    I will write more that’s more relevant to the thread title later.. “What’s next?” I hope you do remember me at least a bit Anita. You were very helpful to me and I’m extremely grateful for that.

    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by tinybuddha.
    #367474
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frostbyrd:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 9 hours from now.

    anita

    #367482
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frostbyrd:

    Welcome back. You shared that since you posted your last thread (of which I have no record), you graduated from high school, you are currently living with your mother and siblings, while your father is out of the country, and are currently taking an online course on the topic of holistic health. You enjoy the course very much (“The course itself is amazing and I am learning very new things from it”).

    Yesterday, you passed your driver’s license test (Congratulations), but your instructor was “very condescending”, and “very very nosy”. Your mother and brother often discouraged you from practicing driving following your permit at 16, and your uncle, when you lived at your grandmother’s, “did  offer to drive me.. but (was) yelling at every little thing”.

    You wrote about people in your life and your social experience: “they end up being toxic individuals or full-blown narcs…I feel  disrespected and violated being questioned… there are many toxic Christians who hide their toxicity behind an ‘angelic’ gauze of religion… I love genuine people who want to hear me out. But those people are few and far (in) between. Rather the most outwardly ‘charitable’ people tend to be the most toxic… At this moment in my life, I can say I have 0 friends or people for support… None online. None in real life… When it comes to social life.. nothing seems to be favoring me… Something is missing in my life. ‘Emotional support’, ‘Social support”.

    You wrote that you will be posting again later. I will be waiting for your next post. Can you elaborate, in your next post, about what you mean by “nothing seems to be favoring me”?

    anita

     

     

    #367488
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    To elaborate: Here are the top 4 things that would really make a huge positive difference in my life, but the problems I’ve had surrounding them.

    1. Love interest(s) 

    (This is a very strong desire as opposed to friends- there’s one person that is always on my mind. I don’t know them but know their appearance/personality) It’s the #1 thing surprisingly. I tried dating apps anyways back in June/July but I knew it wouldn’t do anything for me in the back of my mind, despite only using the more understated ones. It wouldn’t make sense considering I have no available transportation options now, plus it’d be in real places where I’d meet anyone, not online. This would tie into #2 I imagine.

    2. Being in new, nice places + environments

    I stay home all the time except for market days- I do my best to go out just because. I regularly search up events near the closest major city to me. I also search for any activities I could do, such as martial arts or yoga. I wouldn’t let my restrictions affect me. If I liked anything I’d be sure to find a way to get there. No luck in finding anything relevant. I’ve been having a recent interest in wrestling/boxing as a hobby.

    The area in my grandma’s house had a designated place for walking, with a pretty nice nature scenery. People would go there for leisure walking. There are also multiple trails. I never realized how much I would miss that. It’s considered a “lower class suburban” area but the energy is a lot more friendly there. People just chill out.

    In my area where it’s “middle-class suburban”, there’s no dedicated place. Only a track made for running and a kiddie park with a small piece of greenery. I would exclusively go there to swing but lately, I’ve been feeling embarrassed to go. The neighborhood overall looks nice as in the roads and houses are in good condition.. but the people here are a lot colder. In all my 11 years of being here, I still feel like a complete stranger. I don’t even know anyone there except for one of our neighbors who regularly says hi to our family.

    When I walk I see concrete and many stores.. I hear constant car noises so there’s never silence.. Really the main point of walking for me is to breathe in the fresh air, hear only the wind and animals and look at the nice plants. I get sufficient exercise in my daily activities around the house. But just to keep my sanity I guess I do walk.. Well did. Now I get increasingly emotionally tired and just have been staying home entirely these past 3-4 weeks.

     

    3.  Amazing friend(s)

    While I’ve been mainly focusing on the top 2 things, I would just like to know some of ‘those’ nice people. When I come across the kindest people it’s always a temporary affair. We wouldn’t get the chance to know each other anyway since our interactions happen so fast. It’s when I’m going to a different area for a day. Or, I’m getting a task done at a place I’ve never been before and probably won’t go back to… Stuff like that. Being in a more refreshing environment would come with making new connections, so this ties closely with #2.

    4. A stable way to make money

    I’ve been getting money from random places a couple of years (sometimes as gifts, money sent to me “just because”, internet reimbursement checks from my past school, etc.), and that’s been really taking me far. That’s what I used to start my online business and just for little things that make me happy. Let’s say things have stopped at a slump here. I already have small business/freelancing in mind.

    I have had some small businesses since I was 15 and have become familiar with the overall process of making things to sell. Once you get a taste of knowing you’ve earned money from doing things that come naturally to you- you just can’t stop! My main shop isn’t active currently. I’d need outside funds to really get everything I need.

    I figured the best way would be to look for a legitimate online remote job to earn money from. Mostly because I don’t have any available transportation, plus I’m sure those job opportunities have boomed a lot during this time. Well, I’ve been applying regularly since August with no luck. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I would lower my standards just a little bit and try to settle for an on-the-site job that was < 1-hour walking distance just so I could earn the money. It’d be temporary and I’d look for something more desirable in the meantime. There are many stores in my area after all. I haven’t had any luck with that either so far. An on-the-site job is definitely something that I’m strongly opposed to in the first place for multiple reasons, and I’ve been thinking to myself “Are there any possible better options than this?” I’m very confused at this point and have decided to step back sometime in late-ish September due to feeling very down and low on energy this past month.

    I really hope that provides a lot more insight into my general situation.

    #367490
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frostbyrd:

    I read your second post here, and I am trying to figure out how can I possibly help you. Maybe the answer is in what ways I was helpful to you in the past.

    You started your original post with: “I’ve made a couple of posts several months ago (March/April?) chatting with Anita and have deleted all the info since then”, and you ended your original post you wrote to me: “I hope you do remember me at least a bit Anita. You were very helpful to me and I’m extremely grateful for that”.

    Can you tell me in what ways I was very helpful to you earlier in the year (and why did you delete your thread or threads)?

    anita

     

    #367491
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I deleted them since I felt anxious at that moment and didn’t want to have a history or reminder of what I wrote. This is a habit I have– deleting things or getting rid of anything that’ll remind me of bad circumstances.

    At that time I was literally surrounded by chaos and I described to you in great detail what was going on. Being threatened by my uncle, mocked by my grandma, and not being allowed to take walks but taking them anyway, etc. I, my mom, and siblings were staying at my grandma’s house since December 2019. Why we were staying there is a long story, and I did describe that too. I went back home alone at the beginning of June. My mom and younger siblings did in mid-August.

    As a result of my longterm habit of deleting anything that gives me terrible memories, I hardly have a memory of what happened except that it was extremely traumatic. You wrote to me to keep thinking of my future plans in the meantime and hold on to the positive imagery. There was no good option for me at that time. My mom was also a victim in a way during that time. And that there can be a chance to connect more with my mom since she was the least toxic one out of everyone I’ve been staying with. I should keep defending myself as I have. I should keep my daydreams of being free and living a good life. That’s what I can recall.

    #367492
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frostbyrd:

    I used to have that habit to: “getting rid of anything that’ll remind me of bad circumstances”. It was not a good habit because I didn’t learn from the old, bad circumstances I kept having new, bad circumstances.

    I read and understand that you don’t have transportation, or a job, not having any of the online small businesses of the kind you had before, and you are thinking about getting a “legitimate online remote job” or an on-the-site job to which you will walk to and from. about getting a job that you can walk to and from.

    I was wondering what you meant by here: “I’ve been getting money from random places a couple of years (sometimes as gifts, money sent to me ‘just because'”-

    – if you are referring an online small business that you had before, what do you mean by getting money from “random places”, “gifts” and what is money sent to you “just because” (it doesn’t read like a business, as people don’t send money to a business “just because”)?

    anita

     

    #367493
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I meant that as money separate from my online business. My shop wasn’t something I got a lot of money from, so in addition to what I’ve earned from there I also got money regularly was various sources. The money from my online business wasn’t a steady amount. The money I’ve earned in general was random in general.

    When it comes to my habit;  I’d disagree since most of what happens is stuff I can’t control like toxic family members. All I learned from that was simply to survive and take care care of myself. Having traumatic experiences in my memory doesn’t do anything but brings them back and sends me into a panic. I have nothing positive to turn to other than myself and my current hobbies, so I’d like to reduce any pain I feel in the best way.

    One major thing I’d say I learned is to not become the type of person to cause so much hurt to others. But also to screen people and look out for any red flags they may have. But even when I learned that what’s the point of keeping my detailed writing up and bringing the memory up again? Dealing with such a situation isn’t new for me at all. I’ve also had a series of events that happened back in middle school and freshman year as well with the school staff, which I’d rather not get into. I don’t think I’ve ever put myself in a situation that was avoidable such as being with certain friends or stirring up trouble. I’m not saying that to sound like I’m perfect.. but I’d be lying if I said I did. I’m already very reserved as is and most of my troubles have been with grown adults when I was younger or family members.

    I have had regrets in the past about what I’ve gotten rid of. so I have to mention that I do ask myself about it first and hesitate before deciding if I should get rid of it or not. “It” can refer to anything- personal items, notes, photos, memorabilia in general. The thread.. I don’t regret getting rid of it.

    #367494
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frostbyrd:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #367495
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’ll add in something else: I defended myself when I really didn’t want to. The main point of my posts here is to get my thoughts out through writing, and hopefully get some suggestions on what I can do if possible. It was a blow to say that I was getting in new difficult situations (that I have very little control over) just because I didn’t want to keep anything unnecessarily triggering near me. Replying is optional.

    #367499
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Frostbyrd:

    “One major thing I’d say I learned is to not become the type of person to cause so much hurt to others”- the aim and sincere efforts to not be the type of person that causes hurt and harm to others, is admirable.

    I understand that you want to not re-live bad memories- nothing helpful about sending yourself “into a panic”. It is also very important “to screen people”: to be selective as to who you interact with and how, so to prevent yourself being hurt by people.

    “It was a blow to say that I was getting in new difficult situations (that I have very little control over) just because I didn’t want to keep anything unnecessarily triggering near me”- I did not suggest that any of your childhood circumstances was anything you had control over. You didn’t.

    Now, as a very young adult, you are able to be responsible for your choices, and so, I hope that you will continue to aim at making choices that will not hurt you and that will not hurt others. Your thought about finding a job you can walk to, in a store, a job that you can be safe doing, is a good idea. Hopefully life will get better for you and for all of us next year.

    If and when you want me to reply to you personally, let me know. Otherwise, I will not.  You are welcome to express yourself here anytime, use it as a diary of sorts, maybe other members will reply to you in ways that will make you feel better. I wish you well.

    anita

    #367500
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hello Frostbyrd,

    The positive things from your post are that you have graduated from high school and you are the proud owner of a driving licence.  You have embarked on an on-line course in holistic studies that you are really enjoying and your father is happy to support you financially.  You have a small on-line business revolving around things that you enjoy making and selling which gives you a feel good factor.  Also, you are writing your thoughts down which becomes therapeutic.

    1.  You need to find avenues in which you can make enough money to support your business.

    You say you live in a middle class district.  There are usually people who need dog walkers and people who need their houses cleaned.  Perhaps you could explore these two possibilities neither of which rely on transport.  Before too long, you may have enough funds to purchase your own car which will give you more freedom.

    2.  You need ways to deal with your anxiety

    Learn to breathe properly.  It’s amazing how much this relieves anxiety.  Place your hand on the area between your lower ribcage and breathe into that hand.  Take three breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, breathing out for as long as possible and then begin breathing in, fully expanding your diaphragm, then out through your nose.  Repeat until you feel calm.  You can actually use the words “I am calm”, “I am relaxing” which will help you.

    Learn to let go of all the things you don’t need.  For instance, you perceive your driving instructor as being condescending.  Forgive him for his attitude towards you and let it go.  The same applies to your uncle.  He sounds very unkind.  Forgive him for his attitude and let it go.  Remember – you now have your driving license so you are as competent as either of them.  Let your success speak for you.

    3.  You need to feel supported by those around you and expand your social interactions.

    It’s pointless trying to change the people around you.  It won’t happen.  The only person you can change is you.  Show gratitude every day of your life and aim at becoming the best person you can be.  Build your social interactions around people with common interests.  Join groups of like minded people, take yoga or tai chi classes, volunteer.  Job opportunities may present themselves if you have the right attitude.

    4.  You want to be free to live a good life.

    This isn’t a daydream and it doesn’t need to be in the future.  Make today the day you begin living that good life.  Smile at everyone you meet, perform an act of kindness at least once a day, practise positive thinking.  Above all, learn to love yourself.  Be your own best friend and give up dwelling on the past – you are not there any more.

    Hope this has been helpful.

    Love and light

    Peggy

     

     

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