Home→Forums→Relationships→Realizing im toxic to my lovers.
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February 17, 2019 at 3:01 pm #280553
JesusParticipantSo I just went through a break up that really tore me down and i came to the conclusion that i was toxic. We were together for 2 years and she was someone i truly loved but for whatever reason i was witholwithh all my feelings for her and was mostly negative most of the time. At first i didnt see myself like this till she ended leaving me. Firstly she asked for space to heal herself but she did promise me we would be back together at the end of it. I really wanted to give her space but this brought back flashbacks of an old relationship that was ending the same way, in which they promised they would come back but they kept me in the dark and would manipulate me so bad. So i kept on invading her space trying to help cause she means alot to me but that would cause more trouble. She eventually told me she realized that i was being manipulative, toxic, and negative the whole relationship and i didnt see it till now. She said i pushed her away along time ago and it hurts to feel that this relationship was hurting from along time ago but both of us were masking it and pretending everything was ok and beautiful in which i really thought our relationship was good. I did alot of toxic things like withholding my love for her, using the break up threat when i felt insecure about our relationship, not taking her seriously when she really needed my help, being distant, telling her i dont want to marry even though she really wants that future. At the end of the relationship i eventually took back me saying i dont want to marry because i realized i was just tkaing my perspective of my parents marriage into my life. At the end i was able to tell her i love you in which i havent through the whole relationship because of withholding for whatever reason and i got her a promise ring. All this stuff backed fired on me cause i know she doesn’t believe me and she thinks im using it to guilt trip her. I really do love this girl but at the end of the day i messed up because i didnt know i was toxic and ruined the relationship. Of course part of this break up is in part of my ex because she doesn’t know how to release her feelings sometimes and lets things boil up inside her till she blows up. I ask her whats wrong but she never tells me the truth or communicates on matters that really bug her (i feel like this is because of me and she doesnt trust her feelings towards me). So with that i thought the relationship was ok because it truly seemed everything was fine but since there was no communication it just spiraled to the break up.
Anita if your available do you have any thoughts on this matter? I know you have great insight and helped many people. Also to anyone else whats your insught towards this?
February 18, 2019 at 9:33 am #280623
AnonymousGuestDear Jesus:
You came to the conclusion that were toxic to your ex girlfriend and the one before her based on the following evidence (I will quote you and in parentheses ask you questions about each item):
1. “invading her space” (how, how often?)
2. “withholding my love for her” (in what ways, and with what intent?)
3. “using the break up threat” (you didn’t want a break up, you just wanted to scare her? What did you say to her at those times and what was her responses?
4. “not taking her seriously when she really needed my help” (an example or two?)
5. “saying I don’t want to marry” (did you want to marry her? Did she pressure you to marry her?)
6. “she thinks I’m using it to guilt trip her” (is what she thinks correct?)
And another question: how did she blow up when she did blow up (“she doesn’t know how to release her feelings sometimes and lets things boil up inside her till she blows up”)?
anita
February 19, 2019 at 11:35 am #280889JesusParticipantDear Anita:
1. with the space she asked, i would break down and talk to her every 3-5 days between the week because i felt like i really wanted better communication than taking space and i was also afraid to lose her. I know now that this is just normal instinct behavior when you know a relationship is about to end so i finally just let her go with her decision.
2. I dont know yet if this comes from a deep rooted psychological problem but i was never able to tell loved ones that i love them even though i feel that ways towards people. She told me she wanted to hear me say I love you but i couldnt for reasons i dont know yet. My intention was to never harm her from keeping my feelings towards myself, i just dont know how to express even with something so simple as words
3. I didn’t know it was a threat till i took an introspective look on what happened but i felt like she had doubts about our relationship and i got so insecure about it that i felt like if she doesnt want to have a future with me then why not break up? Her response was begging for me to not break up with her and i felt so terrible after because i clearly didnt want to break up..
4. there was a moment where she was crying and told me she really needed me to come over to make her feel better and my response didnt take her seriously (i dont remember my response to her cause i have memory issues but she said i laughed it off). I always thought she forgave me for it but she brought it back up during an argument and i never felt so terrible about it. She clearly needed my help and during that time i wasnt there.
5. When the topic of marriage popped i told her i dont want to get married but i want to spend my life with her and she knew it. She did get upset about it and sometimes she kind of forced the idea on to me some times but i thought we both came to a compromise about it. After much reevaluating, i realized my perspective on marriage came from my parents and sisters marriage cause they always failed, so i believed marriage in my childhood left a bad seed implanted in my mind.
6. At the current moment she has every right to second guess my actions because i realized i was working on gut instincts. The things i was doing such as finally telling i love you, saying i want to get married, and the promise ring were genuine acts of mine but the timing was clearly not acceptable to do. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip her but i do see why she would believe it.
7. She says shes an empath but cant release or express her feelings out and she gets to a point where she becomes really passive aggressive towards people. I believe she was holding onto unresolved resentment towards some of my actions in the past and when it finally came to the breaking point she got really passive aggressive towards me. I was trying to open up towards her and she would say stuff like “you were a great learning experience, thank you for the lesson honestly” or during a conversation with friends of ours about a situation that happened to us, she smacked a plate out of my hands and ran to her room and when i went to go comfort her she was crying to me that shes so sorry and that she doesnt know why she did that and she felt so horrible.
After looking into the relationship and the breakup, I see that this was needed because of major miscommunication issues between us and this was a wrong time for us because i havent healed from past issues and it made our foundation rocky. Im glad she didnt give me a second chance because this would honestly happen all over again. I realized i have to work on myself mentally and spiritually to fix my problems and make a better version of me. If we ever end up rekindling again, i know it will be built on a better foundation. At this time i just have to let her go and bring myself to a better version of myself.
Hopefully you can reply soon Anita
Jesus
February 19, 2019 at 12:38 pm #280911AnonymousGuestDear Jesus:
I read a good part of your recent post but I am not focused enough and need to re-read it tomorrow morning, in about sixteen hours from now. If you want to add anything relevant to what you already shared, please do so and try to be as clear as you can. I will reply to you when I am back.
anita
February 19, 2019 at 12:39 pm #280913AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
February 19, 2019 at 9:48 pm #280981JesusParticipantDear Anita: I would like to add more to this situation with the idea of karmic relationships. This relationship ended bad but i feel like i learned the greatest lesson with her. I never felt so connected with someone and even though shes gone i feel like ive set free some problems that i could never let go of in past relationships. If you know anything about karmic relationships, do you see any positive insight towards this?
February 20, 2019 at 7:29 am #281003AnonymousGuestDear Jesus:
When we don’t know the reason for our feelings and actions, we are operating in the dark, we don’t know why we feel this way or that way much of the time, we don’t know why we say this or that or do what we do. It is like living in a dark room, you walk one way and you bump into a furniture, you walk the other way and you bump into a wall. When we know the reasons, it is like we find a light switch and turn on the light, now we can see.
Let’s look at what you wrote about the reasons for your feelings and actions:
“for whatever reason I was withholding all my feelings for her and was mostly negative..
At the end I was able to tell her I love you in which I haven’t through the whole relationship because of withholding for whatever reason..
She told me she wanted to hear me say I love you but I couldn’t for reasons I don’t know yet”
To make things more complicated, she too didn’t know her reasons: “I went to go comfort her she was crying to me that she’s sorry and that she doesn’t know why she did that”-
-can’t have a healthy relationship when we operate in the dark, not knowing the reasons, not knowing why.
Let’s investigate the reason for this one item you wrote, if you would like to do so:
“I was never able to tell loved ones that I love them even though I feel that ways towards people”-
-by “loved ones” do you mean your parent or parents as well, and if so, did you ever tell them you love them, if not, why, what could be the reason?
anita
February 20, 2019 at 11:35 am #281039JesusParticipantDear Anita:
In my family we were mostly grown up without showing feelings, well mostly me cause i was the black sheep in the family. I have a feeling that i wasnt really taught how to express love towards something so i feel like i always had resentment towards that word and my family
February 20, 2019 at 11:44 am #281041AnonymousGuestDear Jesus:
Who treated you like the black sheep in the family and how?
anita
February 20, 2019 at 11:57 am #281043
MarkParticipantJesus,
It seems in order to have any close relationship we all must know how and what we feel. I recommend you start from there. How old are you?
Are you able to have close friends? Are you working in a job that requires you to be in tune how clients/customers/co-workers feel?
Have you ever had a long term, healthy romantic relationship or close friendship?Mark
February 21, 2019 at 7:57 am #281171JesusParticipantDear Anita:
Mostly my whole family besides my mom, they always saw me different and would always bring me down for my interests and behavior. I felt so alone in my family while growing up. They always wanted me to act and be like them but i ccouldnt.
February 21, 2019 at 8:04 am #281177JesusParticipantDear Mark:
I am 22. Yes i have close friends but im not in tune with my emotions to fully understand how they feel some times. Its not due to lack of empathy but its just i shut myself off from everyone so i lose a sense of friendship. I have had long romantic relationships but due to emotional reasons i shut myself off from them and i always end up losing connection because i dont know how to maintain a relationship
February 21, 2019 at 8:06 am #281179AnonymousGuestDear Jesus:
You loved those family members who brought you down, you wanted them to approve of you, not to disapprove of you. You tried very hard to win their approval, didn’t you.
It hurts a whole lot to try so hard and fail again and again, it hardens a child’s heart, makes the child give up on trying, and it makes a child angry, doesn’t it?
anita
February 21, 2019 at 12:39 pm #281245JesusParticipantDear Anita:
It really does and thats why i believe that most of my childhood trauma is the reason why its hard for me in relationships.
February 21, 2019 at 5:19 pm #281289AnonymousGuestDear Jesus:
When we suffer childhood trauma it does affect our adult relationships negatively.
When a parent rejects a boy, the boy grows up to be an anxious man who is afraid his girlfriend will reject him, interpreting her words and facial expressions as rejecting when they are not; wanting a loving relationship but too afraid to get hurt, to feel again the same hurt he felt as a boy when rejected and put down by the adults he loved so much.
I was wondering about your post regarding karmic relationships. You wrote that you feel like you learned the “greatest lesson with her” and that you’ve “set free some problems”, can you tell me what those lessons are and what problems you are free of?
* I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours.
anita
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