Ok, coming from a closed minded, rigid, over simplified person,

If this guy is still married but separated that sorrowful to hear. Ok sounds like he’s married, and has a mistress, gets divorced? seperates and you are next. You do most of the work. Just from your standpoint, maybe not being in the same bed is good because it tests the relationship past the physical part, the down side is its lonely. Something must replace it. If its difficult to relax, there is a great book called leisure the basis of culture. In our western world, we must accept that leisure is a part of the culture. So if your really committed, see what is enjoyable for you both, whether it be watching sports or playing cards. Something where you can both relax, have effortlessness, which is easier said than done. If your response is “how can we have leisure when we are building the house aka working towards a common goal,?” and rightly so, if its time to work its time to work. This is not lightly pushed aside. If your life is past what is bare existence and you can assess your intellectual, moral and spiritual assets(no small task), then leisure must be looked at. Celebration is the soul of leisure. See what your common belief is and celebrate that. If there is none, pray for one. If you have the time see if you can take a class together, and attend a church together, where pieper says true leisure exists. The relaxing acceptance of church and being in common with others is intended to be a liberating experience that builds relationships and community and you may even make some new friends!! And hey you have some friends here too., so in the name of fred, keep on rollin baby, pre 9-11, check out those towers

-chris

Hi Sandy
What this guy is really saying is, I am like this and you have to accept me the way I am…. fair enough we cant change no one, no matter how much we want a relationship with them.
Now can you accept him the way he is? this is something you have to think about, because if you know that you are not going to be happy with the way things are after dating for over one year… it doesn’t look like its gonna change much, unless he wants to make the changes, does it make sense? and since he has already said he is ok with the way things are, its unlikely he is going to change.

Its obvious from your post that you are not happy the way he is treating you and you want more from a relationship than he is willing to give, to be honest I guess this relationship is not what you are looking for, and only you can tell if you are willing to wait a bit longer to see if things improve?? which most of the times it doesn’t, cause some guys think, if shes ok with it now, she will be ok with it in the long run, no matter how many discussions you will have if someone is unwilling to change there is nothing we can do. This is why some relationships don’t work out, even after many years, one party is giving their 100% to make it work and the other is just not showing effort, so in the end you end up resentful and angry, that’s when all those arguments start spiraling, if I were u I would cut my losses.. You can go years and years and still things may remain the same. reading your post he is just not willing to make the effort because he is happy the way things are.. So my advice would be.. can you put up with the way things are? does this relationship brings you happiness and joy? keep the way things were when you guys first met to one side for now, just think about what is happening now Sis, remember you are in this relationship too, we cant just accept what the other party is giving us, we have to know what we want too.
The arguments and tensions are coming from your unhappiness…. if things don’t improve the argument its not gonna change, cause the problem is constantly there, u may forget it for a few days and pretend all is ok, but that problem is still there, you are not happy the way he is treating you… sometimes we have to think carefully what we truly want from a relationship, The reason im saying this is, I have had a few long term relationships and things don’t change just because we want someone to change, we end up unhappy, and we feel down just because we love someone and they don’t treat us the way we want to be treated, it damages our self esteem and confidence. the best advice is, know what you are willing to accept and what you truly want from a relationship, if you know deep down in your heart that this relationship is not making you happy, its better to cut your losses now and move on, its gonna hurt but sometimes its better to move on now than to spend years and years trying to change someone and in the long run we end up breaking up anyway…

WE are the only one who can make people treat us the way we want to be treated, don’t accept anything less or someone’s gonna have control over our life. He is telling you, this is what I am and you have to accept me the way I am, and you are saying …this is not what I want??

Hope my advice helps

Regards

Bernadette

Hi Sandy
Sounds like this guys loves himself too much to have any love for anyone else,, do you see yourself in a long term relationship with him? you’ve said it yourself, damn shallow and silly, yes I have met these kind of guys, they have nothing to offer to a relationship, they love the idea of being in a relationship but guess what? you will have to do all the hard work to keep the relationship together, this is the reason he told you to accept him as he is…. He knows the way he is and he wont have time to change for anyone, he is too busy with himself to care for anyone else, Ive dated someone similar sometime ago, it lasted only 3 months, luckily I saw him for what he truly was and ended it before he broke my heart.
No you are not looking for perfectionism, you are looking for a normal relationship were two people meet each other halfway, just know there is nothing wrong with you and what you are asking is perfectly normal.

B