May 24, 2015 at 2:50 am #77157
Thank you for reading this, I really need your help in understanding and fixing this situation. To this day, I still don’t fully understand what happened between us.
I met someone around 9 months ago (a colleague) – we got on really well and really took care of each other. I knew he cared for me and he knew I cared for him. Slowly I began to develop feelings for him and I got the impression that he felt the same for me (I now know that I may have misinterpreted this). But he was in a relationship with someone already, raising her children (from her previous relationship). I felt so guilty for feeling what I did so I didn’t say anything and tried to distance myself from him. But every time he felt me pull away, he’d always do something to bring me back to him, and I let him. This carried on for months and months… Rather than talking about things, when something was going wrong or when we felt that we’d done something to upset each other, he’d give me the silent treatment and I did the same back but weeks later, we’d carry on as if nothing had happened. Nothing ever happened between us but our relationship was tense (no matter how much we tried to deny it).
Eventually I grew tired of this so I spoke a friend about it asking him what he thought, he advised me to confront it. So I wrote a letter to him telling him how I felt but that I respected what he had with his girlfriend and I felt it would be best if we stayed away from each other. He showed the letter to his girlfriend which understandably angered her. They felt that I was trying to break them up. She said she had known since Christmas my affections for him and had asked him to speak to me about it – he said he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to make things awkward – which made her even more angry. She told me that she’d split up from her husband because he’d cheated on her and she wasn’t going to be put in that position again with him – I was horrified when I realised that she thought that we’d been messing around. I’ve been cheated on before – I know how it feels – I could never do that. I apologised for making a huge mistake and promised that I would stay away from him. She made him apologise to me for leading me on. I know I made a huge mistake in writing that letter. I didn’t consider how it may have been perceived from their point of view… something I regret. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.
It’s been 2 months since then. I haven’t spoken to him since that day. I actively avoid seeing him because I don’t want to cause any more problems. Occasionally we’ll bump into each other or glance at each other but we don’t say anything.
We work together in the same work place. I feel that we kind of have to resolve this so that we can both at least behave professionally. But because I promised that I would stay away, I’m not sure how to approach him. I don’t want them both to think that I am trying to break them up again.
Do I need to talk him about this? Or should I let it be? Is he even ready to talk to me about it? I honestly don’t know what to do… I don’t want to make things any worse than it already is. Your guidance and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.May 24, 2015 at 3:01 am #77158
I think it was good you wrote the letter. That situation needed to come into the light. I believe everything as far as you are concerned is resolved. Forgive yourself. We live and learn 🙂 <3May 24, 2015 at 3:18 am #77159PaulParticipant
Agreed. ..move on..and releaseMay 24, 2015 at 4:07 am #77160AlexaParticipant
Yah know what, in life you will meet people that you feel a connection with! Sometimes it’s plutonic because without taking the next step you don’t know if feelings would progress, we’ve all done it. You think it’s something but you have a kiss or get close and realise nothing’s there!
In my opinion, step right back, grieve for the loss you will feel and move on because like you said you wouldn’t want to come between two people, you wouldn’t want to hurt her. He is just one of those men that has his cake and wants to eat it to. If you look at it like that, how shady of him! Would you want anything to progress with someone who really has led you on whilst being in a relationship?! No you wouldn’t! If he’s done that to her there’s no doubt he could do it to you also so if you look at it that way it was an easy escape! And thank god because you would have gone through that also! Look at it this way if he was any sort of man he would not have involved himself with you full stop!
Okay so the attentions gone from someone you thought could potentially be a partner for yourself but in reality he wouldn’t have been a good one for you!
You did what u felt was right and wrote a letter, you got your reply and he stood by her and she foolishly stands by him, cut the cord and move on, you don’t need to even be friends with someone who has such little respect for his family and really no respect for you!
As the saying goes ‘some will, some won’t, so what, NEXT’ move on let it go and be happy knowing you walked away with your pride and dignity still in tacked and just feel a lil bad that his partner has to put up with that behaviour long term!
You caught a break! Learn from it and grow from it and know that you had the chance to potentially ruin that family but you didn’t because your a good person with a heart, so many people wouldn’t care!
Smile knowing that you got away pain free .. The emotions your feeling now are temporary!May 24, 2015 at 4:15 am #77161
I was married with a child when I developed a strong attraction for a co-worker. She had a boyfriend. I kept my feelings to myself. I ended my marriage about 9 months after I met her, not because of her, but because my wife and I had grown hopelessly apart. After my divorce I dated another co-worker for a few months, then ended that for several reasons. Soon after that I felt compelled to tell the former woman, whom I had at this point been close friends with for a year, that I wanted to be with her. She said, “I am flattered, but I am with so & so and We are happy.” I left it at that. The next day at work she said, “I left so & so.” We were married for many years. Looking back we both agree that we should have remained “just friends.” The truth is, just because you love someone it does not mean that you should have sex with them and/or make a life with them. Love and compatibility do not necessarily go together. Again; we live and learn (hopefully:)
May 24, 2015 at 5:04 am #77163InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Erik.
OK, first of all, NEVER put anything personal in writing!! Like, ever. Not in business, not online, not in journals. It is SO easy for things to be misconstrued, or turned against you.
**What I will write next is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended, but it is the truth**
Second of all, you keep calling the couple “Them”/”They” or they are all “We”. There is no “Them” because.. He didn’t put a ring on it!! She has merely picked him to raise her children. She is not the wife. Nor a fiancée. She is just a girlfriend. Yes, I said it. Just a Girlfriend. Meaning, he can leave anytime, still keeping to his, God’s and the world’s morals! I think that he is not as into her as “they” say, simply because he was so into you (possibly as an escape), (and has found himself raising her kids, IMO). He has not proposed, has he?
I’m not putting her down, believe it or not. Obviously, she should dump him, the two-timer.
By showing her the letter he has made an “Us Against Her” or “Us Against the World” dynamic. This is called Triangulation. Instead of getting angry at him (and I love HIM apologizing to YOU for “leading you on”. Please.) She has chosen for “Them” to think you’re just some girl.
No, don’t talk to him. If anything call the girlfriend and tell her, “Have your boyfriend stop contacting me” if he ever talks to you. If he gets incensed and “they” talk to you again, have your lawyer scare them a little with a Cease and Desist letter to cast them out of their fantasy land. Then maybe he’ll get real with her and propose or leave, once the distraction (you) is over.
Reclaim your Dignity.
InkyMay 24, 2015 at 5:57 am #77165
You saying, “She has merely picked him to raise her children” is nothing short of delusion.
You have no evidence whatsoever to come up with that conclusion. You are projecting your issues.
Your entire reply suggests that you have serious anger issues to deal with.
I say all of this out of love. Best wishes 🙂May 24, 2015 at 6:24 am #77166
Thank you so much for replying back everyone, it really means a lot to me.
For the past 2 months, I have felt nothing short of the lowest of the low… but deep down, I know that everything was done with the right intention. Whenever I saw him feeling down in the dumps, I tried to lift his spirits because I cared. Everything I did for him was because I cared. But it gets to me that it has all now been misconstrued to make me seem like I am a bad person… something I began to believe.
Inky – I agree with you, I too believe that maybe their relationship is in trouble. I think he found something in me that he probably isn’t getting from his girlfriend.
All of your kind words has lifted my spirits. Believe it or not, I still care deeply for him, I worry about him when I see that he is down and resist from going over to make sure he’s ok. To this day, I wish him every happiness.
But I think for now, its time for me to let go.
May 24, 2015 at 7:59 am #77172InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Grace.
Well, it’s true.. I apologize..When I read what gracen had written I felt a strong uprising of indignation and anger ~ for her! I just didn’t like how they ganged up on her and treated her so unfairly. Also, I do sometimes get calls to work as an Intuitive, so the “merely picked him..” thing escaped me. (But what I do strongly intuit!!). But I am not here as a reader, so..
OK, let me see if I can rewrite what I had written stripped of anger. Gracen:
1. Don’t put anything personal in writing. Lesson learned.
2. He needs to marry the girlfriend or cast her loose. She shouldn’t bring a man into her children’s lives unless he will be there long term (as in, forever, IMO).
3. He used triangulation. He did that with you to a degree if he ever complained to you about his GF. And then when you essentially “broke up” with him, he did it again, he and his GF against you.
4. Don’t contact them again. If he/she/they do, complain/fight back/set them straight.May 24, 2015 at 10:34 pm #77197
Inky & Gracen
The 3 of us have wonderful things in common.
We all genuinely care about the well-being of others.
We all desire to better ourselves and are humble enough to admit when we are wrong and correct ourselves.
We all have good intentions.
The road to heaven/enlightenment/perfection is paved with good intentions.
(Whoever said (or believes) “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” does not have a clue:)
<3May 25, 2015 at 1:31 am #77199
Thank you for your advice Inky, lesson learnt. I really appreciate your concern (and you are extremely intuitive – what a gift!).
Evolving Desires: I agree. I guess I must now learn to protect myself from people who will exploit my kindness for their own purposes… next chapter of my story.