fbpx
Menu

Rebuilding after infidelity

Home→Forums→Relationships→Rebuilding after infidelity

New Reply
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • February 27, 2019 at 2:08 pm #282063
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    I have been seeing a man for 18 months. It has been wonderful. We were due to move in together when I discovered that he is an infidel.

    I recently discovered that he has been sexting an ex of his. Not to be graphic but I would like to give proper context. I had been sleeping beside him one morning and his ex sent him a recording of her masturbating. He then responded to relay how much he enjoyed it. I later came across this exchange accidentally when he lent me his phone. Ps I did not snoop.

    im obviously hurt and feel violated, but I want to explore my options. I love him and I know he loves me too. He is remorseful for what he has done and has admitted to being selfish and lustful. I would like to rebuild my trust but I don’t  know if it’s even practical.

     

    what particularly makes it difficult for me to decide to rebuild our trust is knowing that he will be leaving to work in New York in September for a year. I am in Africa. I do not want to live a life of constant doubt and insecurity. I would like our healing to be organic and I feel like with the countdown to him moving, we’ll be forced to realize that trust sooner than I might be ready to.  Thoughts? How do I navigate this situation?

     

    February 27, 2019 at 5:32 pm #282113
    Mark
    Participant

    Bonni_mor,

    Don’t move in with him.

    Do get a clear understanding from him on why he wants to change his behavior.  He told you he was being selfish and lustful  Those are qualities not behaviors.  Where else is he selfish?  Is he being lustful with you?  Is he being lustful with porn?

    It does not seem like he and his ex are done.  Does he still talk/text/communicate with his ex?  Do they see each other?  What will happen if she reaches out to him?  Will he respond?  Has he blocked her?

    What are (good) reasons on why he should be trusted?  Does he give you those reasons?  Will he give you access to his phone on demand?

    Get those answers from him before going further.

    Mark

     

    February 27, 2019 at 9:01 pm #282127
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    I agree, I will be staying at my place.

    He has reassured me that he wants to change his behaviour because he values our relationship and does not want to lose me. To be honest, I was more concerned about what lead him to entertain exes than I was on the reasons for him wanting to change. That is a great point.

    He has broken all forms of communication with the ex.

    I’m most interested in determining your last paragraph. How do I achieve this. I don’t know why I should trust him again. Well, bearing in mind that he chose to do this right beside me, I fear the worst for us being in different time zones. It is not reassuring to me that I have access to his phone because I am not that person. It will not validate that he is trustworthy to me.

    February 27, 2019 at 9:14 pm #282129
    Mark
    Participant

    Bonni_mor,

    I wonder how do you really know if he has terminated communications with his ex.

    Verbal reassurance from someone who lies are just more words, like lies.  It is behavior that proves change.  Long term behavior.

    As I said before, if he claims to be selfish and lustful as reasons for his behavior then what else in his character and behavior does that manifest EVEN if he does stop with his ex?

    Mark

    February 28, 2019 at 9:09 am #282203
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bonni_more:

    I read all your previous posts since 2015. You read like a reasonable practical person, quite aware and wise, and resilient.  Regarding the issue on this thread: “He is remorseful for what he has done and has admitted to being selfish and lustful”-

    It is clear that he enjoyed watching his ex girlfriend masturbate because he messaged her, after her performance, “to relay how much he enjoyed it”. It is quite clear to me that he regrets having been caught.

    Let’s take a better look at what happened: his girlfriend is sleeping next to him and he is watching another woman masturbate. He kept watching it and then responded kindly, with a thank you of sorts. Then you found out. He then suffered some negative consequences for his enjoyment.

    Let’s say he is in NY, and he thinks that he will get away with watching something similar, no consequences, why wouldn’t he then give in to an activity that promises so much pleasure for him-

    Maybe because he will not want to hurt you again, because he loves you so. But if there is no chance of you finding out, why not, why not enjoy himself after a difficult day at work?

    Problem is he already did it, maybe more than once. It is much easier to not do something we never did before, but it is difficult to not do something we already did and enjoyed doing it. Nothing stopped him from watching what he watched while you slept beside him. I don’t see a reason to trust something will stop him when you are not there, sort of, no-victim-no-crime.

    I am sorry this has happened. I wish it didn’t.

    anita

    February 28, 2019 at 9:25 am #282211
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Anita,

    You cannot continue speaking to my heart like thi! Lol 4 years into it, and still. I have been hoping you would respond to this.

    Wow. You have read my heart. I don’t believe, even if we gave it a fair shot, that I will feel secure enough to continue a long distance relationship with him. Even if he seems to change his behaviour now and it seems he has chosen to treat our relationship with the dignity it deserves, my perceptions of him and our relationship have been thrown so off kilter that I cannot trust my judgment enough or believe that he would’ve truly changed. I will always wonder. Once bitten, twice shy. I can forgive that he is human, but I will always consider that he has betrayed me.

     

    thank you for reaffirming a position that rings true to who I am. Your words have resonated deeply. And thank you for your kind words of healing, as always.

    ?

     

    February 28, 2019 at 9:36 am #282221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bonni_mor:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words.

    Some things that are done cannot be forgotten or forgiven and shouldn’t be. What a shame it is that he didn’t understand this concept, shame for him.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.