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Rebuilding myself from the ground up

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Sassypants 6 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #39599

    Sassypants
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m in the process of getting over a 7 year relationship. While grieving I am trying to work on myself and my happiness. Some goals I have set are being authentic, taking to strangers, trying new hobbies like learning spanish and learning how to play the ukelele and building my own foundation of happiness and boundaries. The problem I’m having is that how I wake up in the morning determines me day. I could wake up happy, grouchy, sad, tired etc. How do I overcome this? I often feel too that after I try something new, it gets old to me real quick and I get bored. Does this mean I don’t have depth, heart and passion for life? Will this menality translate to my relationships? How do I overcome this and make myself more consistent and interested in what I’m pursuing. I want to stick with “mind over matter” quote but it’s easier said then done. Any advice?

    #39604

    Zenhen
    Participant

    Hola Linds,

    I can relate 100%. I am an ENFP which means we are great starters of everything but rarely finish anything. To make it worst we have many interests and are good at most of everything we try. When I was younger, my many interests and pursuits didn’t bother me. However, looking back and realizing I never really tried anything consistently enough to produce results made me feel like a slacker. So before I could modify my behavior I had to discover why I was consistently inconsistent. First, I am genuinely excited by new things, people, places, etc. Secondly, I also love to be challenged. Lastly, I have too much energy to sit still. So I realized I was addicted to the high, enthusiastic sensation that came with the new. I was excited by the challenge and put lots of energy into. However, after I was no longer challenged I lost interest. After the new became familiar, I no longer wanted to look at it. I spent so much energy in the initial stages that I would burn out. Also I felt like if I stuck to one new thing long enough then I would miss out on other new opportunities.

    So I realized I had to pace myself. Discover one new thing at time. So I have tricked myself by saying I am only going to do this today. Then tomorrow I tell myself the same thing, I am only doing this for today. Rather than thinking, I am going to do this 3 times a day for the next 6 months. Also I told myself if I could be consistently inconsistent then that meant I could be consistent. This gave me lots of hope for myself. When I began to dig even deeper into this issue, I found some other truths. I was trying to distract myself from myself. I was addicted to the new because I could not tolerate the present. Also I was a bit excessive about my pursuits and didn’t really filter what I tried. I put a lot on my plate at once. Thus I had to know myself more in order to choose things that were right for me. I didn’t like to finish anything because then it was over, I would have nothing to come back to. So I had to learn to be happy with the way things are without needing to add a new element. I had to learn to let go and say goodbye so that I could actually finish something. I had to learn to be and feel alive so that I didn’t need to constantly chase that high feeling of making new discoveries. I think curiosity is necessary and discovering new things is necessary and it helps you grow. I just realized that my underlying intentions for doing so weren’t exactly pure. So I am trying to do new things in moderation and focusing on the present not the new possibilities because that is in the future. I am also trying to meditate to help me focus. I really don’t want to be a jack of all trades and master of none. I would prefer to be a jack of all trades and at least a master of one.

    As far as waking up with different emotions, I think we all do this. We are living beings and our feelings are going to fluctuate. Just accept them and know that this really means nothing about who you are. They are just fleeting emotions. Emotions are always in motion. Being an ENFP means I am dominated by my emotions. My emotions dictated how I dressed, what I ate, etc. It wasn’t a matter of what I wore but what I felt like wearing or what I did but what I felt like doing or what I ate but what I felt like eating. This was so bad that if I was asked to do something at work, I wouldn’t do it right away simply because I didn’t feel like it. I realized this was a very juvenile attitude and I couldn’t base my whole life on my fluctuating feelings. So now I just embrace what I feel without DOING anything about them. I simply accept that I feel happy today, I feel sad today and then I choose to move on. So if I feel sad or fearful, I say okay great I feel sad and fearful and now I am headed to work. It is not about ignoring your feelings but about accepting them without the need to change it. I wish you the best of luck in discovering yourself and recreating yourself. Here is a quote for you while you undergo your exciting rebuilding process: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

    Mucho Amor y Cariño,

    Zenhen

    #39609

    Matt
    Participant

    Linds,

    Its pretty normal to wake up with odd emotions. When we dream, we often defragment memory and feelings and so forth, so especially turbulent or changing times can produce especially powerful emotions.

    What I have found to be very helpful is to do some sitting meditation in the morning. We wake up, shower to clean our body, brush our teeth to clean our mouth, and meditate to clean our mental and emotional state. Consider searching YouTube for “jayasaro counting breaths” for a simple technique.

    For the other questions, Zenhen had some interesting ideas. What I see is a little different but compatible. Consider that when we are hungry, and we see a commercial for some food on television we think “yes, that!” and go to the store or restaurant to get the item. We eat it, and the hunger goes away. Then we eat it some more, and find when we’re not hungry, its not as nourishing and tasty as before. They say cooks can’t cook as well when hungry, and so they eat before cooking so the true taste is available to them.

    In your situation, perhaps the dream of doing all these things is really just you saying “I am unhappy with what is here and now inside me.” This can be resolved by self nurturing, such as meditation, nature walks, candlelit baths, saying nice things to yourself, spending time wishing for your happiness and so forth. Then, as you feel complete and stable, as you go explore what you like it won’t be in contrast to the dream, you’ll be living it. So if you pick up a ukulele and play it awhile and then think “meh, not as fun as I thought” it will be nothing to put it down and move on to the next thing. It doesn’t become “oh no, am I empty of something that makes this stink?” This is a world like a table filled with appetizers… if one doesn’t make your mind sparkle, just move on. Its in the trying, the moving that we find joy… because when we find something that is strongly resonant, we don’t have to work up the inspiration to do it, it calls to us with an unmistakable allure.

    That being said, everything we do takes effort to become skillful. If we are just encountering some resistance because our fingers get sore from playing the uke, or we are discouraged because we’re not mastering it fast enough… well we just get our butt back on the cushion and meditate… the feelings of discouragement settle, the fingers callous, and when we get up we are refreshed and ready to take the next step…

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39616

    Sara
    Participant

    Dearest Linds,

    You are just out of a 7 year relationship. Your aura and energy field has been enmeshed with another person for a long time, and you are probably really feeling that void. Not only this, but I’m sure you love him despite what happened to end things. You and I are very alike, and so please know that this comes from my heart. It is great to get inspired by thinking about what you are going to do to reinvent your life without this person. Great job for taking this step. But I would encourage you to be very mindful about where the activity stops being something you are doing to reinvent, enjoy, and fulfill and becomes a series of empty things you are doing – to distract from the pain of a breakup-. This may be one reason why activities are growing old quickly. They are being done with an empty heart because there is not a lot of room for new things until the old things are processed and released. Do you need to take a couple weeks to just be down? Cry? Punch pillows? Do nothing? Part of reinventing ourselves is learning to trust that we are our own best company. But we can’t do that if we don’t respect and sometimes just sit with feeling that are less than desirable. Once we learn to honor ourselves, both the good and the bad, and let go of what you can from the past 7 years, you may find your heart will be more full and alive to then give to other activities. It is not easy. But we tend to go to a place of “emotion aversion” after such a loss, and it will not serve us. This is my favorite quote at the moment: “The problem can never be solved by the same level of awareness that created it.”

    Thinking thoughts of love, kindness, and positive transformation for you…

    #39626

    Sassypants
    Participant

    “So I am trying to do new things in moderation and focusing on the present not the new possibilities because that is in the future. I am also trying to meditate to help me focus. I really don’t want to be a jack of all trades and master of none. I would prefer to be a jack of all trades and at least a master of one.”

    This is exactly it! Thank you for taking the time and shedding some light on the situation. Your words are well written and make sense.

    Mucho Amor,

    L

    #39628

    Sassypants
    Participant

    Thanks Matt. I do see myself getting discouraged b/c I want to master something in a quick amount of time. I need to be patient and not be one to give up so quickly. Life is like a table of appetizers, I just want to find the main course though… That “unmistakable allure”. xo

    #39629

    Sassypants
    Participant

    Thank you Sara, I hear what you are saying, “They are being done with an empty heart because there is not a lot of room for new things until the old things are processed and released.” This is a key component of recovering and letting go. Trust me, I am not overloading my schedule to not allow myself to mourn. This past Monday and Tuesday were very teary. The emotions come in like the tide, some days good and others where I need to just cry. I have that luxury as I don’t go back to work until the 19th. I’m very aware and want to go through the healing process the right way and not some easy and cheap way. I need to learn and evolve as a human being. Last time this happened I started dating right away and I don’t think that worked to my advantage… xo

    #39657

    Sassypants
    Participant

    So tonight I went to a First Friday food truck night by myself, I don’t have that many friends so I do a lot on my own. I was fine at first, but grew to be very anxious. It hit me that the world is huge and that I could take any path in life. Instead of being excited about it, I got anxious and worried so I decided to leave. It was also very crowded. Maybe it was too much too soon?? I rode my bike there and told myself the feeling of nervousness would pass. I forced myself to stop at a bar on my way home for a beer. That was my night, but still pondering the epiphany about about the huge world, the endless ppl and many paths I can choose from. It’s almost overwhelming to fathom since my world has been my ex. Thoughts?

    #39662

    Brie
    Participant

    Hey Linds,

    First of all, thank you for opening up this discussion and being open and honest. I’m writing, not with advice, but to say that I am in exactly the same situation as you. Sometimes it helps to know that you’re not alone on the path of rediscovery 🙂 As you know, when you are in a relationship with someone for 7 years, everything you know about the world and yourself is based on life with your partner. The world is so much bigger than I ever thought, and just as scary as it is liberating. I applaud you for having the courage to go out on your own! I’m not quite there yet, but recognize what a huge step that is. Give yourself a big hug!

    I know there is a fine line between allowing the universe to direct us on the right path, and taking action and initiative for what we want, but part of me is trying really hard to have an open heart and mind (however broken it may be) and let things happen as they are supposed to. For me, I think the first step to recovery is to learn how to love myself, and yes, be okay with the fact that I’m at home alone on a Friday night, ha! I have some work to do!

    Anyway, sending good thoughts your way! Big hugs.

    “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

    #39664

    Matt
    Participant

    Linds,

    It sounds to me like you were more open. When we recognize there is no destiny set out for us, and rather, we choose and lead ourselves toward wherever and whatever, it can be scary. That is why its important to know yourself. For instance, if you have only eaten Mac and cheese for your entire life, if you sit down at a restaurant with a 15 page menu, it will produce stress. So many choices, and no “ground” to choose from… no sense of knowing what you like.

    This is why I described discovering our relationship to life like a table of appetizers, where we can take 20 mouthfuls of different foods and see what we like. This helps us develop a ground of self knowing, because as we chew we become more aware of what tastes good to us and what does not. Otherwise we stress, because if we feel we have to switch our Mac and cheese to another single source of nourishment, and are doing it by throwing a dart at a dartboard, we don’t want to trap ourselves by chance.

    Inner stability, also called authentic confidence, arises from sampling a bunch of things and seeing what works and doesn’t work for us. Food, hobbies, spiritual practices, romantic partners, movies… as we engage with them and see what happens they help us develop who we are by answering the simple questions “Do I like it? Does it feel right? Does it feel healthy?”

    When feeling overwhelmed by the big picture, we can say “this is just fear”. Then we get back into the present moment and say “What is here now? What do I see/hear/smell? Do I see anything here that is appealing?” This grounds us, like roots into the earth, and allows the uncomfortable feelings to dissipate… whereby we can see the magic of freedom again.

    Great noticing! Keep it up! One foot, then another, and down the trail of Linds you go!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39673

    Sassypants
    Participant

    You’re wisdom and time responding is much appreciated. Did you acquire this knowledge through personal experience or were you gifted with just knowing? I’m glad you relate life’s journey to food as I’m a foodie and totally get it. I’m off to find that authentic confidence…

    #39674

    Sassypants
    Participant

    You are welcome Brie. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I too am trying to love myself again. I have spent countless Friday and Saturday’s home alone. I’m fine with it! Goodluck learning about you again and best of luck! Be strong. xo

    #39689

    Matt
    Participant

    Linds,

    Pretty much the same way you’re doing it. One foot than another, one breath at a time. When we open up, teachers just spring up… either in presenting us chaotic mazes to untangle (such as ex-partners) or presenting us the wisdom we need to transcend the maze (such as the role I’m playing for you in this moment). The more we give, the more we get… the more we walk, the more we learn. What a life!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39690

    Davey
    Participant

    Thanks for your wisdom guys. Just out of an 8yr relationship and the pain is raw. Found this site quite by accident and already I feel calmer. Time for the hard work to start.

    Davey

    #39759

    Sassypants
    Participant

    So the next hurdle I am pondering is cycles… Is everything we do cyclical? Are all relationships going in circles? Is my mood cyclical with my menstrual cycle? Is my feeling of love cyclical? I’ve been recording my mood and it seems like I have the same feelings of sadness at the start of the week. I look back into my relationship and see that I was more in love at certain times of the month then other. I see patterns in relationships with others and in their nature. Does this mean I’m living a live on auto-pilot? Is this the natural way of existence going back to the cycle of life? Lots of activity going on in my head, maybe I should go visit “the thinker” 🙂

    I’m mourning today, bought some sage and going to burn it in my room… I hope everyone is having a good Monday!

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