Recently separated and struggling

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    It’s 6 weeks since my husband woke up and said his heart was know longer in our marriage, there were no signs or arguments I was completely blindsided and to this day as hard as I try cannot get my head around it. I travel for work which he says has nothing to do with it and he also says I have been the most amazing wife and friend and done nothing wrong. The first 5 weeks I was over emotional and yes I begged even when I knew it was wrong. I am so desperately in love with my hubby and don’t understand. He doesn’t speak much and will not see a councillor. This week I gave him a financial contract and a separation agreement. They are basic as I am hopeful it’s time he needs, he stays in the house when I work away and takes care of the house and dogs, we have no equity as it’s a new mortgage. He also has been taking me to and from the airport, coming and doing jobs and hugs me tight when he says hello and goodbye but still when I ask if he’s coming he says no……One of the clauses was for me and that is to stop me from invading the space he wanted, It’s been two days and I am struggling, I miss him so much and trying to stay busy and achieve goals but I go so far and I crumble like now, In fact I jumped online and found this group in hope someone could respond and say …. anything?……..We moved states a year ago for his work and moved into our new house 6 months ago and in 1 weeks time will be the 1st anniversary of my mums passing…’s brutal I have no circle of friends here, I’m from the UK so time difference affects phone call times and my other friends I call in the US are away working….I am very much alone. I looked for local groups but there are none in my area. To top it off I don’t drive, idiot! I took and passed my alcohol test today but really struggling to focus and retain studying for the written, the driving I am fine with as I have driven for 30 years. I am trying, I have been settling into the new house and making it homely, I realize this is where I will be until at least I get some collateral to sell if needed. Oh it’s too much to think of, it’s all so fresh and I am still in love, I have read everything I can but nothing helps or has prepared me from this moment. My boss said to find a group like this as she too went through this and she said no-one other than those who experience this can understand and help…..I am such a social butterfly and the life of every event but living here with no-one is so very brutal…..I am stuck and so very lonely….I know I am saying allot right now but I have allot to say and just need some help, advice support anything really to help me get through the nights, the sun went down and tears came and I can’t stop


    Dear Momma Tink:

    What I understand from what you shared is that you are from the UK living in the US, married, dogs, no children,  moved states a year ago and purchased a home six months ago, but have no equity in it yet; husband told you six weeks ago (no arguments preceded it) that “his heart was no longer in” the marriage with you, that you “have been the most amazing wife and friend and done nothing wrong”, that the fact that you travel for work “has nothing to do with it”, and he “doesn’t speak much and will not see a councilor”.

    A financial and a separation agreement was drawn, allowing him to stay in the house while you travel for work. To understand better I ask (and feel free to answer or not): this contract, was that your idea or his? And that clause, “to stop me from invading the space he wanted”- who initiated this clause, or how did it come about?

    You shared that you passed your alcohol test today”- (for the purpose of getting a driver’s license? I am not familiar with such a requirement).

    You shared that it’s been almost a year that your mother passed away, that you don’t have friends in the state where you live, that you are are very much alone, “stuck and so very lonely”, and that you have a lot  to  say-

    – you are welcome to say all that you want to say here, to express your thoughts and feelings. I will be glad to read more from you and reply after each time you share, as long as you’d like me to do that. I hope other members reply to you as well (before and after I submit this post).





    Is there anything that has been going on lately with your husband, extreme stress? Depression? Anything like that?

    Aside from that… definitely join some groups. Find some hobby groups in the area that you might enjoy, painting, sewing, even a bowling league or something. It will be a good way to both take your mind off of what’s going on for a bit and meet new people while doing something fun and enjoyable. I think you will start to feel at least a little better if you are able to make some new friends and have some social support.  I also agree with counseling groups with people who have been through similar experiences. That common ground will really help too, and you’ll likely develop friendships with those people, as well.

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