I don’t really know why I’m writing about this here, but I really feel I need some outside advice.

About a year ago, the person I considered my best friend stopped talking to me. No signs, no warnings, just cut off contact. Prior to this, we often spoke daily – though there was some periods here and there where life would get hectic and we’d not speak for a week or two.
It was very sudden. Any time I thought about it, I would just get hurt.

I did attempt to get in touch twice via email, but no response. (There was one time before that, where I attempted to call, but this was early on and I hadn’t realized she had cut off contact with me, it was actually what made me realize she stopped speaking to me – as mentioned above, no warning.)

Since then I’ve been in therapy (other reasons: I have some sort of anxiety&depression illness). It got a bit easier over time, but then in November, I had a complete breakdown. I just cried uncontrollably and couldn’t think of anything else.

This breakdown, fortunately, coincided with a therapy appointment and I confessed everything (I had not previously disclosed anything about this friendship to my therapist). I said what hurt the most is that I didn’t know why. Obviously, having the friendship back would be ideal, but I was struggling to move on because I wasn’t given a reason. We didn’t have a fight. There was no slowly drifting apart. These are things I’ve dealt with in the past, and usually when I think about them – it makes sense.

My therapist said that it was up to me, but since I only attempted to get in touch twice over the course of (then) 9 months, that if I wanted, I could attempt to more seriously to get in touch and ask why. (Seriously as in not just sending an email, but getting in touch with someone who might know how to get in touch and maybe send a letter.) She DID state not to get my hopes up too much, but more than likely it may end up being one of life’s little mysteries and I may NEVER know.

After the session, I thought about the whole thing and ended up deciding NOT to attempt to contact again. Partly because I wasn’t sure I’d get a real answer (previous situation in our friendship) and because the only person I knew might have contact with her was her ex who she was splitting from. I thought she might feel that it was a huge violation of privacy and if the friendship is ever going to continue – I think that would do far more damage and just stir up bad feelings.

Now in January, I started up an online game that we used to play together. (This is because my partner started playing again and I wanted to play with him.) Initially I was anxious about running into her, but after the first time, I didn’t see her on and I removed her name off the list so that even if she was on, I wouldn’t see her and get upset.

Then two days ago there was some weird sort of glitch. I did NOT have her added anywhere, but I could see her logging off (but not logging in). At first I tried to ignore it, but I kept seeing the repeated logging offs and it was just very upsetting. I can only describe it as daggers to the heart. The only other time I felt like this was when my ex (12 or 13 years ago) who we maintained a friendship after splitting just randomly stopped talking to me and then made a huge spectacle of avoiding me whenever he saw me.
—That is the weirdest part for me because one was a romantic (with attempted platonic) relationship and the other was a friendship.

After two days of just repeated hurting, I took it as a sign (which might seem silly) and decided to attempt to get in touch one last time. I wrote a short letter saying that I wouldn’t attempt to contact her again without her contacting me first, but I just really wanted to know why she suddenly stopped speaking to me. Did I do anything or say anything to cause it. I didn’t really expect a response, but it was out there.

And today I got a fairly long letter. Not getting into specifics, the jist was:
A) it wasn’t me, it was her. She is going through a very tough time right now (which I knew about)
B) it wasn’t JUST me she wasn’t speaking to. It’s everyone even remotely connected to the very tough time.
C) She just wants space to get through the very tough time and maybe in the future when thing are more settled.

I did write a last letter back.
I let her know that I only asked because -for me- the cut had been sudden and it had been hard on me, BUT that I know her past year has been harder for her*.
I thanked her for letting me know, that I respected that she needed her space and did not wish to speak to me right now, and wished her all the best. I also let her know that she did not need to worry about me contacting her again, unless she chose to get in touch with me first.

(*I am having second thoughts over this part. I wrote and rewrote this letter over the course of a few hours and for whatever reason, I could not leave out that her actions hurt me out. I did my best to phrase it in a way that I am not laying blame – because I don’t. I don’t want her to feel bad over it, but at the same time I wanted her to know… and I have no idea why.)

My feelings right now (in order that they occurred, but they are all swirling around and taking turns)

1. Relief. I have gone over everything in my mind for the past 11 months (though the last two not so much) trying to figure out what I might have done to cause it.
2. For the lack of a better phrasing “Like an ass”. I knew she was going through a very tough time and some how – all the reasons I thought of why this happening (both my fault and not), the very tiny thread I was linked to the very tough time did not occur to me at all.
3. Just general hurt. Not the same physical pain as before — I just really feel like crying. I was the only person she cut off who was HER friend. She also went through something like this previously and she still spoke to me during that time and knew that she could lean on me if she needed it (as she did before).
4. Guilty – Over contacting her to begin with and probably inciting bad feelings in her — also the above mentioned issue with my final letter.
5. Understanding. Even though I somewhat disagree her choice… I also kind of understand it. It may hurt, but it makes sense now. Before, none of it made sense to me.

After almost a year of just horrid hurt, I just really want to let go and feel better. I do feel better than I did before contacting her, but now there are so many more emotions involved.
Does it get better? Will it pass?

• This topic was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Terra.
• This topic was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Terra.