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Recurring feelings of guilt after break-up and getting together again

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Coalfox 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #298779

    Coalfox
    Participant

    Hi all,

    For the past couple of years I experienced periods where I had strong feelings of guilt. I think this situation started a couple of years ago, after a short break-up between my girlfriend and me. The reason for the break-up was that I used to watch live webcam porn, whereby I interacted with those women. I used to do this, but at a certain point I started questioning myself and confessed it to my girlfriend. We had a rough time, split up for a short time, but eventually worked it out.
    However, ever since this incident I keep feeling guilty about sexual behavior of mine. I feel ashamed about watching regular porn or even fantasies I have. Right now I’m feeling really bad about a thought I had a couple of years ago (can you imagine!). The thought I’m talking about occured to me when I was living in a student house. I needed something from my roommates room and while walking to that room I had a fantasy about finding a sex toy from them. The door wasn’t unlocked, but I can’t help feeling guilty about the feeling, even when I’ve never acted upon it afterwards. The situation is even more complex for me, as I’ve talked to my girlfriend about previous subjects I felt guilty about, but this would make her feel bad. Also, she has the feeling that it shouldn’t be the case that I should always confess things to her in order to feel good. A bit at a loss right now of what I should do..

    #298877

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Coalfox:

    “I keep feeling guilty about sexual behavior of mine”- if your behavior is wrong and it harms others, your guilt is valid, and once you stop the behavior, the guilt has served its purpose and should be gone. Watching and interacting with naked women sexually online while having a girlfriend who disapproves of this is definitely a wrong behavior (in more than one way, I say). I hope you stopped that behavior.

    Regarding feeling guilty about a thought, that is an invalid guilt because we don’t choose a random thought. Thoughts just happen in our brain all through the day. If we don’t act on a thought, no harm done, no valid guilt.

    “I can’t help feeling guilty about the feeling”- we don’t choose our feelings, they just happen. If we don’t act on a feeling, no harm done, no valid guilt.

    I didn’t understand, regarding your girlfriend and you “always confess things to her in order to feel good”, do you mean that she wants you to confess to her your sexual thoughts and feelings and behaviors to her, or do you mean that she doesn’t want you to confess these things to her?

    anita

    #298893

    Coalfox
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Yes, I quit that behaviour as soon as I saw my wrongdoing. Never have any intend of doing it again and I regret is so much. Regarding your other question: my girlfriend of course likes me to be open with things I struggle with. However, as this can be a sensitive subject for us, it is sometimes hard. One time she said she couldn’t help me with some things I struggle with as it was too hard for her and would make her feel insecure. Also, some of the things that I feel I have to confess other people might not want to confess or feel that they have to. I think I feel ‘over guilty’ about some aspects of me and I am afraid I’ll hurt my girlfriend.

    #298899

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Coaflox:

    It is not any more appropriate for you to confess to your girlfriend about your thoughts and feelings than it is for her to confess to you her thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts and feelings are your private business. They occur in between your ears and can stay there if you choose. Your brain is yours, not hers. Your private territory. Same is true for her.

    In other words, it is not right for you to confess your thoughts and feelings that may be distressing or unpleasant for her. She has no rights to your thoughts and feelings.

    “I feel ‘over guilty’ about some aspects of me and I am afraid I’ll hurt my girlfriend”-

    – what are those aspects of you?

    anita

    #298929

    Coalfox
    Participant

    Usually they have to do with my sexuality I geel guilty/ashamed about. For example these are some things I fretted about:

    – feeling bad about watching regular porn

    – feeling guilty because I played an erotic video game

    – feeling bad about for one time having paid for an erotic visual novel

    I think this started because the incident with the webcam porn resulted in upsetting and hurting my girlfriend as a result of my sexual actions. Since then, I worry about my behaviour and I question how my girlfriend would react. Therefore I sometimes have this feeling I need to confess as I am afraid these things might be wrong in her eyes. I think hurting her is the thing I am most afraid for.

    #298937

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Coaflox:

    I see, so you feel guilty and feel the need to confess not about your thoughts and feelings but about actual behaviors: watching porn, playing an erotic video game, and paying for an erotic visual novel.

    Did you consider not engaging in these behaviors?

    anita

    #298943

    Coalfox
    Participant

    Yes, I did. Most of them I don’t do anymore. Yet it feels sort of strange to quit doing these things, as when i talk with friends they have absolutely no problem doing these things. However, maybe I should just accept that these things don’t work out for me while in a relationship

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