Thank you Eliana, I feel blessed to have a group to support me here.

Another dilemma I’ve been struggling with recently. So, this girl and I were amazing friends long before we got physical. Do you think it is possible for me to return to that same mindset? And should I try to do that?

Eliana and Anita,

Thank you for the support. Here is the update –

She texted me on Saturday that she misses me again and wants to see me. She came over in the evening. She wanted to go for a stroll in a nearby park. So we did. We were holding hands and walking (she was also texting this new guy at the same time). I had some hope as I thought she might give me some hints to fight for her. Later, we cooked together, ate together, watched a movie and cuddled (we did all this when we were just friends as well), and she slept over in the same bed (like we did even when we were just friends). Nothing else happened. However, while we were spending this amazing time together, I thought to myself that this is so meaningless. It is going to hurt me even more because I know that this is just for the night and it will wither away in the morning. I encountered strange emotions together – pain, numbness, confusion, fogginess, hopelessness.

However, while we were watching a movie (Forrest Gump), she hugged me and cried multiple times saying how will she manage life without me, and that she will miss me when she moves away and that no one is going to take care of her like I do. I did not know what was happening. I still do not know what really happened. Just random emotions while watching an emotional movie, or was there something deeper? I comforted her and hugged her for a really really really long time. This morning, when we were having breakfast, she said these words, exactly like this, “Should I call off the relationship with this other guy?”. These words came out after she was telling me that she doesn’t like some of the things that his new guy does, and I mostly agreed.

I did not know what to say, so I told her that I will keep her happy and she keeps me happy. We will be great together and that she should think of our lives 50 years down the road and that I want to grow old with her and spend the rest of my life being there for her. I agreed with her that she should break it off. I had never explicitly said that before. She said she couldn’t do it. Then I dropped her home, and had this urge to call her and ask her again whether she wants me to hold her hand and take her away from the guy, and whether there was even a remote chance of getting back together. I told her that I was willing to go to any length to get her back. All she had to do is give me one tiny hope. She got angry and hung up.

What is happening?

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the response. I hope I am not bothering you too much. Feel free to let me know if I do.

I do not want the whole extra-marital thing with her. Ofcourse not. That’ll ruin my life as well as hers. She got angry probably because I asked her so many times to come back to me even though she pushed me away. But, this time, when she cried so much and explicitly said whether she should break it off with the guy, that’s when I tried to get her back. But she got frustrated. Perhaps, because she knows its too late, and that it is all my fault – which it sure is because I did not convey my feelings to her on time. But, in any case, this leaves me more devastated because I know something can be done, but just not sure what and how exactly. I just want to wake up one day and be happy. I haven’t done that in so long. Is that too much to ask? How do I get there?

Dear Anita,

Thank you for everything.

In the past, during conflicts, I remember apologizing most of the time for an argument or something. In fact, I do not recall any time when she admitted that she might be wrong. Made me think that she was always right. She still says that she is always right. Whenever we had arguments, I would be the one reaching out and hugging her and  apologizing.

She probably hung up on me several times when I refused to spend more time with her if I was with a friend or family. She would get mad that I do not prioritize her as much as she does.

On a side note, before she made up her mind about the other guy, I told her once that the guy is so lucky to have her. When I said that to her, she said, “If you say that, how can I go to him. You think so highly of me. What if the guy doesn’t love me as much.” I still had the chance to stop her. I guess I’m trying to understand what stopped me from stopping her. Why did I not step up and acted like an adult? Why did I let her go so easily when I knew that she was everything that made me happy over the last few years?

You’re right Anita, no one would like to spend the life with the person who thinks they are always right.

Perhaps, I’m too broken at the moment to stop romanticizing the past.

I will tell you, though, that every day, every thing, every season, every picture, every smell, every taste, every little part of my life today reminds me of her. I control myself for a minute and am successful, but then the very next minute it gets to the same old level of hopelessness, and I feel like it is worsening.

I’m thinking of moving across country far far away from her. But would that stop the pain?

Thank you for putting it in perspective Anita!

Can I post again if I feel like it?