Thank you for your advice and support. This is a wonderful website with a lot of insight and encouragement, and for that I am thankful.

I felt in the beginning, and still through our relationship, there was so much “good” about him and us that I clung to that. It wasn’t all bad, and the good was great. I’ve never been with a man who has at his best provided support and help willingly and with desire. It’s hard to understand the very poor behavior, but then see this amazing behavior and rationalize what is better or worse and what is enough to walk away from when you have a child involved and emotinally connections are high. He put a lot of hard work and decication into helping me around my house, and helping our neighbors in their times of need. He was always very intuned with my family and always desired to spend time with them, or entertain them. He was very loving and romantic at times. My only biggest concerns are him being able to walk out on his famly so easily, and on me in the past (which he has done a couple times) when we had arguments or fights, and that he has said some really questionable things that do make me believe what the above readers are posting in that he is not a “good” guy because good guys don’t cut other people down. But, then I do hear about circumstances where these men just have an explosive personality and say things they really don’t mean, because they do not know how to handle their emotions.

Anyway, it is hard for me to close the door and stop hoping when our relationship was not completely terrible and he offered me a lot that nobody else has ever offered me. I can’t help but feel we never had a chance to really focus on us and ourselves because we were either long distance, were on and off too much because of that, and then I fell pregnant, so the focus was on pregnancy and raising a new born. We never had us time.

I have treated him as a prize, or maybe an ounce of me hoped to be that woman to catch him, because he was such a catch when I met him- he would say things like most woman can’t handle me, or we are perfect for each other. He always had woman followers around him, or that ex that still had a crush on him, or new woman he was texting with. He always has had attention from the oppositie sex because he is very attractive, very charming, has a great physique (which a lot of woman fall for over anything, I don’t), and can really engage anyone and connect to most people. He always thought I was being inseucre and jealous when he had female friends, but I just never felt safe and it had to do more with the fact that I felt these friends were coming in between our time and relationship, and new family. His life didn’t change much when we had our daughter, he still did everything he desired and chose helping his female friends in the gym at nights versus spending time with the baby as I thought he should but he took that as jealousy. I would find out he was meeting female co workers to work out at the gym together but not telling me and I felt slighted. That used to be OUR thing, working out together- I went through a little depression after having my daughter and I would have been ecstatic to have him include me on worksouts or help train me more, or get a sitter so we could work out but it was always someone or something else. But then, it was me being insecure and unable to spend time without him.

Anyway, It is just very hard for me to see my daughter and her father together and know how much he is missing out on, and how much I miss having support, and how serious of a time in my life this is. My number one focus is on my daughter, I will never allow her to feel the effects of my emotions. But, I hang on to these beautiful times and memories we had… but can’t get past the most recent lies and deceptions and I do agree with everyone’s opinions above. Thank you again.. I hope with time I can gain more clairity because right now I am just in a great fog

ANITA, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I am thrilled and grateful for responses and time people take to help me in my situation. She is too young to understand at this time when he cancels, it more has a dissapointing impact on me that he coulnd’t hold true to his promise, but I don’t sulk or vent to my daughter and she doesn’t get I just continue my day and keep her busy with activities. I’m not sure how or if she is impacted by his lack of presence as he lives seperate, she is still happy and cheerful, and always happy to see him, never sad to see him leave, and she clings to me a lot of the time since I am her comfort. He has since stopped this behavior of cancelling and has made a promise to be more “readily” available for his daughter, admitting that he has been “distracted” these past 3 months with living his life, and with his dating another. He has since said he realizes he has not been living up to a man of integrity and promised to be better, which he has (so far.)

Complex man is definately what I would describe him as… and more so a man who is always seeking that initial feeling of love, that honeymoon phase where he is on a pedastal and the other is as well. A time when there are no expectations the feeling of neither party doing anything wrong because everything seems so right in the beginning, and that feeling of being looked up to. When those feelings dissapate and real life kicks in where there are responsiblities and expectations and needs of others to meet, that is when he runs and says that my expectations were too high or that I woulnd’t allow him to do things, or that his life woulnd’t chnage just because we had a baby, a baby that he never planned to have.

Yes, he has emotionally and verbally abused me in the heat of arguments and in the heat of high stress moments (mostly dealing with our times as new parents to a newborn and up through 1 years old). It was a very stressful time for both as it wasn’t expected. I went through a lot during this time due to the fact that I was not expecting pregnancy nor was I really ready or prepared to be a mommmy. But, I overcame and relaize the joys and how much more positively my life has changed…it is still hard, but I imagine it is always hard on mommys who have a real sense of self and life prior and during pregnancy and still work full time and want to maintin some level of how their live was prior. He claims that if we had just had time to get to know one another and have time just the two of us it woulnd’t have been so stressful, and we would still be together.

SO, in short, yes I agree he has not commited to me or his daughter through this time I think we were viewed more as a bump in the road, or that I needed to mold my life to fit his in some sense since I was the one who became pregnant. No I should never live first second or third to other people. I guess it is just hard to wrap my head around how someone can be so caring and tolerant and helpful to others but not to me… and I notice this behavior with his mother too. His mother is the kindest person I have ever met, and she has called me crying due to things he has done or said to her. He has no patience with her, and gets angry over the slightest thing that was really an accident on her part. She lives in a different country, and he left a pair of boots there when we went a few months back, she recalled him saying to give them away because he didn’t need them- so she did, and I guess when he came recenlty and they were not there, he was very angry that she gave them away because he needed them and they were expensive. I’m not sure details, but she was still crying about it recently telling me he hurt her feelings because of how angry he had become. He has done this to her before when she has visited is, he would leave her in tears at the airport because of his frustation with her lack of ability to be independent and do things on her own financially and verbally as english is her second language and she depends on him a lot for help.

Living with verbal abuse, I recognize, is something I should NEVER settle for. Maybe I am looking for excuses or justifications as in– life was stressful, or he has so much on his plate, he retired and is looking for work after 20 years of military service so I blame his environment or stressors on his ability to be angry or emotionally abusive at times when he doesn’t even realize it.
He has never done this in front of our daughter yet… she was always sleeping or not around when it would happen.. and again she is too young to expect anything since I dont say Dadda is coming, becase I’m not sure she would fully understand yet. It appears as if he is trying to get his life in order and get a proper place for her to stay and I do believe in him that he will hopefully continue to try harder with her.

Anita, his mother is in her 60s, she has two sons (two different men), and had been married for 35 years to a different (american) man who was not either of her son’s father. He never met his real father, and gets very upset with his mother that she doesn’t know much about him or his family. His mother was married to an American man for 35 years, divorced 5 years ago due to an alleged affair with another woman. His mother is a very strict practicing orthodox jew, she converted during marriage which I think led to the divorce because it is a VERY strict religion. From what I gather their relationship was neither loving nor supportive and from the outside it seemed that his mother was in the marriage/relationship to help support her children and create a better life for them, although she told me she still does love and respects him.

She is a kind person in that, she belives in forgiveness, not judging, and being very supportive no matter what, she is always easy to be around and she is open to anything. I agree, those are just assumptions because I do not really know her. I do know that she was not around much of his childhood due to her working, so his aunts and family raised him alot. She depends on him a lot financially, so that is taxing on him, and when she does visit it is up to him to translate for her, get her finances in order, and help her with a lot of things that he feels she should know or learn. He does not agree with the decisions she made with the money provided to her for the divorce, or where she lives, and wishes she would move back to the states so he could better care for her. They do not get along well because his personality she describes as “hard headed” or tries to talk down to her (or taking on projects or rennovating things in her house that she doesn’t ask for or as opinions, or making her feel like her life and the decisions she has made are second class to what he thinks is best for her).

Her advice to me whenever we would fight or I would reach out to (even if he apparently did something wrong, like not come home until very late one night before traveling or said something rude) was to tell me to just love him and cook for him, that just to give him hugs and feed him, and tell him how much I appreciated him…and be there to support each other because we are both fighting over things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. She finally has a job where she lives, but it doesn’t pay much, and she still does depend on him. She said that she has cried a lot with his real father, with his step father, and now she sees the step father in him and she can’t handle it anymore, and doesn’t like to be yelled at like he did. She always tells me, he is a good guy with a good heart but he makes poor decisions. When I told her that the issues involved other woman (because he was making it seem as if I just out of the blue told him that I didn’t “want him back,” I didn’t give her specifics but enough to know that it isn’t all what he is saying), she said to let him be and figure out his life then as it seems because he has a problem with commentment and with other women, and that he seems to “destroy” anything good in his life. She also said that keep being his friend, to help him see his bad behavior, to work together and not give him, and that she feels sorry for men today because of the temptations that are out there.

She seems very “immature” for her age, and seems nieve and very innocent in a sense. She is very forgiving, always sees the beauty in things, is very easy going, very intelligent and driven, but may be not have been there a lot during his early years. Maybe a lot of focus was placed on work and not on the children… they are all very loving and affectionate. It appears as if her and the step father’s relationship was not loving in any sense, and from what she tells me he often nit picked and complained like what I have mentioned, and there was infidelity involved or inappropriate things that came up (sexually) during the relationship. He has no relationship with his step father and he is disgusted in his decision to leave his mother of 35 years.

Her number one prioroity is her religion, as I mentioned it is very strict (fri-sat she is not allowed to do anything and prayers each not take baout 1+ hours). Her life is built around her religion.

I have spoken to him and his frustrations is that she just cant do anything on her own and always relies on him, which I can respect. Maybe it was some decisions she made about finances or her irresponsibility, or maybe that she wasn’t there more when he was younger, and the fact that she had him out of a relationship without knowing much about his father. I asked him a little about the boots and he is adament he didn’t tell her to give them away that he needed them, so I dropped it, because I’m not here to take sides, but I wanted to hear what he had to say about it.

If I were to deeper analyze I would say that he feels a parental role towards his mother. They are of hispanic culture, so it is much diffferent than american culture, but my parents would never rely or expect me to take care of them… but there is an expectation to be responsible for her when he doesn’t agree with decisions she is making. I’m not sure if that helps at all..

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Annie.

Anita, I agree with what you are saying, I should take his side to show support and in the past I have communicated that to him. I communicated to him that I feel his burden financially and that I didn’t believe that was an appropriate role for him to take on as a child. My hang up is in more of how he treats her when he is frustrated, I feel he could be kinder in his approach and not leave her mad at the airport, or yell about a slight that she may have miunderstood or that he may have misunderstood if that makes sense. I cannot remember exactly what he said about the boots but I vaguely remember him saying you can give them away. Maybe it is more of his reaction that I can’t understand because he has had reactions to me over things that are seemingly minor or misunderstandings. Like baking a pie on a hot day, he would get so frustrated that I just didnt seem to understand how inappropriate it was to have the oven running on a hot day. When I intentionally set aside time when I got home and finished taking care of our daughter to make him something I thougth he would appreciate. Or his immediate instinct to leave after our argument, and to move on with someone else…everything is such a knee jerk reaction that I feel he doesn’t see how his words are very hurtful. Not just leaving to breath, but leaving and saying I never loved you, or never connected with you, and that you are only the mother of our daughter I’m not here to be your friend just to keep you honest. His words are damning and hurtful, although I understand his underlying hurt and frustration with his mother i just cant understanding his reactions.

You are right about his mother not giving me advice. I try to keep my distance. But I can see now that maybe it is me that is showing him a lack of respect in that sense because I know he just wants to be respected and appreciated. I feel bad now hearing it from a different angle.

I would love to approach his responsibilities in a gentle manner but how do you do that when you don’t feel your needs are being met and you are being put second best? I appreciated all of his hard work, in a way I thought was gentle but I felt I was still not being placed as a priority in ways I felt needed as a family. I can try to meet all his needs, but when is it you see his behavior as more selfish and just stop? I got to a point where I just coulnd’t give anymore. As I mentioned, he has anothe child in a different country, he went to visit her for 2 weeks and the night before he left instead of being there for myself our daughter he would chose to stay out all day drinking with his guy friends not coming home for dinner. Or consistently putting my needs second to his… Your responses are really making me question my responsiblity in all of this becase I did stop putting him on a pedastal and I did stop appreciating him becasue I always felt he was chosing to help others instead of me, but maybe that was because he felt burdened by me because of my approach.