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Regret and fear related to seperation from my daughter's father whom I miss

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  • #119433
    Annie
    Participant

    I have been seperated from my daughter’s father for almost 4 months… she is 15 months old, I am 33 and he is 38. We were together prior for about 4 years, we were long distance for almost 2 years of our relationship and the last 2 years we came back together when I found out I was pregnant. He left 4 months ago after an argument ensued between the two of us during which I said “If you don’t like this house nobody is forcing you to stay.” And, he left for the weekend, I didn’t hear from him until a couple days when he told me he had signed a year lease. He stayed in my house for 2 weeks until his alleged move out date for his apartment, but that date kept being pushed back. I was very umcomfortable with him coming and going as he pleased. He was very distant and told me that he just wasn’t in love with me, he wasn’t connected to me and that he woulnd’t live in a home where he felt he was told to leave. I didn’t argue as I was not proud of my statement, I just was frustrated due to the fact that everytime something went wrong in my house (it is old), he got so upset, and in the past he has cut my house down saying he would never buy a house like this, or that he is the one that made it better or beautiful. I bought my house 8 years ago, it is fairly small its nothing special but it is clean, quaint and very affordable for our locale. I never pushed him to pay mortgage because he always helped me around the house with the fence, or replacing the flooring… he would just provde money towards any other bills. I guess his getting upset over something breaking set me over the edge because I was so tired of hearing him complain about my house and how it wasn’t something he would have ever invested in. I realize I was being over sensitive.

    Anyway, for the first two months of seperation say he wanted his family back and needed to be a part of our lives, and that we could work this out, that we were perfect for each other, and that he wanted to come back. I wasn’t ready and I told him nothing had changed between us, nothing was fixed and I wanted him to take time in order to find out what HE really wanted for his life, becasue he has told me he felt forced or resentful, that he didn’t feel he chose this life but rather was forced into it because of my unexpected pregnancy. He was very very very excited when I became pregnant, but, once life started to become more real and stressful with a baby, he started questioning his paternity and making me feel guilty because now he had to stay or be responsible for her when it wasn’t necessarily where or who he wanted to be with. I felt because of this he didn’t respect or really appreciate me and it showed in little comments like if I made him a pie he would complain that he coulnd’t believe I would make a pie on such a hot day, or if I dropped something he would get upset that I was clumsy and needed someone who paid more attention.

    Come to find out, while he has been out of our house and family for the past 4 months he has actually been dating someone this whole time and just had to “break it off” with her because he said it wasn’t fair to me. Many times during this seperation he wuold cancel on me or his daughter, or he woulnd’t see her for a weekend, he coulnd’t even find an hour to say goodnight, so I knew in my heart something was going on. And, I also discovered he had reached out to a woman who he only knew for 3 months that he cheated on me with during our initial 2 year long distance time. He reached out to her professing his love that he felt he had been living a lie with me, and has felt bad because he thinks about her when we were together. When we talked about this, he told me that it was just lust he felt for this girl and that he had to clear the air and get it off his chest so he could move forward. And as for the new woman he has been dating since he left, he just says that it needed to be “severed” because she was starting to catch feelings for him, and that it was too distracting and not worth it to lose me. To me, now I feel second class or like nothing given the fact he moved on so quickly from his alleged family he loved to another woman, and then realizing he confessed his love and livining a lie with me to a different woman. And chosing some stranger over spending time with his daughter or fighting for this…. All while telling me all he wants is his family back.

    It is devestating to me, bc he isn’t a monster or a terrible man, he is a great father to his daughter. I love watching them together. Hes responsible and reliable, I can trust him with her. He actually has 2 other daughters from two other woman that military circumstances did not allow him to live near them. He can say and do things to me, hurtful things that feel he has on conscious or guilt for how it would make me feel, but then I think maybe I am just too sensitive. years ago he told me when he left me once that it was because I lacked substance, he told me I try too hard, or that I just don’t know how to communicate, that im too insecure and jealous, or my expectatoins of him are too high. I don’t disagree with some of these, I am working on them but now I am stuck because It is so hard not having him around, I can tell his daughter misses him, and I miss him, I miss that family I had. I cry almost every night, he continues to try to come back, but there is something telling me not to that I can’t trust him. I am so scared that he is capable of lieing to me for 4 months saying he wasn’t seeing anyone and he was so intimately involved with another that I don’t even feel special. I miss the man that would cook and help me clean, and be there for our daughter, and fix things and motivate… but I don’t miss the man that I felt coulnd’t connect to me emotionally or always had one foot out, or had a hard time putting me first and not being selfish with his time. I dont know what is more important or how to handle this. Not to mention, every one of my friends and family are unsupportive of this realtionship…. they gave him a chacne when I was pregnant and now he has left again, so they put all blame on him. I believe that if I were to decide to work for this that I would lose everyone in my life.

    Where do I go from here? What is more important in a relationship? He’s sometimes sensitve compassionate and love but other times things he says and does just show me a lack of empathy or sympathy or inability to put himself in others situations. I feel he is just selfishly living his life… but now is telling me that he sees that he has not been a man of integrity. If I keep pushing him away, to give myself time, I will lose him for sure- as you can see he doesn’t stay single long.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Annie.
    #119439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anny2016:

    My impression, from reading your post, is not that you are over-sensitive but that he is over-critical of you (and your house). Seems to me that he is troubled somewhat, uncomfortable in his own skin. And so, he is not good relationship material.

    If I was you, I would encourage him to spend time with your daughter (because you wrote he is a good father), and I would encourage him to do more fixing and cleaning and maybe even cooking for you and your daughter (because you wrote that you miss these things that he did). I would encourage him to do those things as a visitor, not as a live-in boyfriend and not in the context of a romantic/ physical relationship.

    Post again, share more, if you’d like.

    anita

    #119444
    Ninja
    Participant

    Anny2016 –

    This guy is neither loving nor a great father.

    To truly “love” another person often means putting another person before yourself. To do so does not mean decreasing your self-worth by any means. It simply means that you are strong enough of an individual to support, protect and encourage another – with all your heart. It means you are able to live and think outside of yourself – selflessness.

    This guy’s (I cannot call him a “man”) behavior is insulting to all good fathers out there, including myself. It sounds as if you are putting “blinders” on when he actually finds the time to be with your daughter. While people do make mistakes and should be offered grace, his behavior is consistent in putting his selfishness before you and your daughter.

    In your post, after you complimented his parental behavior (which I obviously believe is incorrect), you then say,
    “He can say and do things to me, hurtful things … years ago he told me when he left me once that it was because I lacked substance, he told me I try too hard, or that I just don’t know how to communicate, that im too insecure and jealous, or my expectatoins of him are too high.”

    These aren’t just mean words to put you down – this is emotional abuse. Really. Sometimes words can hurt even more that physical abuse. And they too leave scars – emotional ones. You are an important person, have substance and feelings, offer value to this world, and have a future full of positive potential ahead.

    This man is toxic. Sadly, he is now linked to you for the next 16-1/2 years because of your daughter together. Do not place any negative feelings or blame on her – she is innocent. Give her your unconditional love. You mentioned that you have family and friends – all who agree with my suggestion to no longer support this relationship. If possible, let them pour love and support all over you and your daughter. Reach out to them. Pour your heart and feelings out to them – and hopefully they will respond, surround and insulate you and your daughter from any further emotional abuse from this man.

    The most important point that I can make here is this: your #1 priority in life is not him nor yourself – it is your daughter. Again, tap into your family and friends as a support structure for you both. And be strong, sister. As you slowly wash this man out of your life, you will do something equally as important: show your growing baby girl what a STRONG WOMAN is truly like. A role model of what she can become when she’s an adult.

    And hopefully, once you’re back on solid emotional ground (which will take time; be patient), you will be blessed with a truly decent man in your life. Someone who will love and value you, your daughter and even your quaint home. : )

    Please write with updates. We are here to help and offer support.

    Wishing you peace today.

    Ninja

    #119470
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi Anny!
    I’m sorry you’re facing this.
    I do agree with Ninja, in that this man is not a good father. The abuse he hurls at you serves to establish control over you, by making you feel you are worthless and unable to survive without him. Your child, at this age, really is unable to survive without her parents, hence no need for abuse. Once she grows up and starts coming up with questions about life as children do, challenging things he says, developing a sense of self… that is when the need to control will kick in and the abusive behavior towards her will begin.
    Also, I do not think your expectations are too high. Your expectations are what the basic foundations of any relationship should be, i.e honesty, faithfulness, consistency, empathy. Him telling you that your expectations are too high is a way of getting you to settle for less than what is minimally acceptable in a relationship. Again, I agree with Ninja, reach out to your friends and family for support. Don’t isolate yourself or your daughter from them.
    Unfortunately, no matter how much we may regret our behavior, unless we are taking concrete steps to make changes, addressing why we behave the way we do (with the help of a therapist, for example), the behavior will repeat, that is he will dole out abuse to whoever he feels will take it, ie whoever is closest to him, people who are unable or unwilling to leave him. In this case it will be you and your daughter. So unless he is taking such steps, I would expect a repeat performance of what has already happened. Unless he is taking such steps, please stay clear of him.
    With love and support,
    m

    #119482
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi anny2016,

    Also consider that he has two other children from two different mothers!! That’s your future. Does he still romance the mothers? How often does he see those daughters?

    Ask yourself why you should be different from anybody else. Knowing what you knew, did you unconsciously think that if he stayed with you exclusively that you would be his prize above the other mothers?

    Now you are treating him as a prize to be won.

    I think everyone on Tiny Buddha would agree that he is no prize.

    I second Anita’s advice to treat him as a visitor to your home. NOT as a roommate or romantic interest.

    View him as the sperm donor. If he wants to see his daughter, great! If not, dare I say, great! When she gets older, you can tell her truthfully (if she asks) that her father has problems (without going into details).

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    #119562
    Annie
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice and support. This is a wonderful website with a lot of insight and encouragement, and for that I am thankful.

    I felt in the beginning, and still through our relationship, there was so much “good” about him and us that I clung to that. It wasn’t all bad, and the good was great. I’ve never been with a man who has at his best provided support and help willingly and with desire. It’s hard to understand the very poor behavior, but then see this amazing behavior and rationalize what is better or worse and what is enough to walk away from when you have a child involved and emotinally connections are high. He put a lot of hard work and decication into helping me around my house, and helping our neighbors in their times of need. He was always very intuned with my family and always desired to spend time with them, or entertain them. He was very loving and romantic at times. My only biggest concerns are him being able to walk out on his famly so easily, and on me in the past (which he has done a couple times) when we had arguments or fights, and that he has said some really questionable things that do make me believe what the above readers are posting in that he is not a “good” guy because good guys don’t cut other people down. But, then I do hear about circumstances where these men just have an explosive personality and say things they really don’t mean, because they do not know how to handle their emotions.

    Anyway, it is hard for me to close the door and stop hoping when our relationship was not completely terrible and he offered me a lot that nobody else has ever offered me. I can’t help but feel we never had a chance to really focus on us and ourselves because we were either long distance, were on and off too much because of that, and then I fell pregnant, so the focus was on pregnancy and raising a new born. We never had us time.

    I have treated him as a prize, or maybe an ounce of me hoped to be that woman to catch him, because he was such a catch when I met him- he would say things like most woman can’t handle me, or we are perfect for each other. He always had woman followers around him, or that ex that still had a crush on him, or new woman he was texting with. He always has had attention from the oppositie sex because he is very attractive, very charming, has a great physique (which a lot of woman fall for over anything, I don’t), and can really engage anyone and connect to most people. He always thought I was being inseucre and jealous when he had female friends, but I just never felt safe and it had to do more with the fact that I felt these friends were coming in between our time and relationship, and new family. His life didn’t change much when we had our daughter, he still did everything he desired and chose helping his female friends in the gym at nights versus spending time with the baby as I thought he should but he took that as jealousy. I would find out he was meeting female co workers to work out at the gym together but not telling me and I felt slighted. That used to be OUR thing, working out together- I went through a little depression after having my daughter and I would have been ecstatic to have him include me on worksouts or help train me more, or get a sitter so we could work out but it was always someone or something else. But then, it was me being insecure and unable to spend time without him.

    Anyway, It is just very hard for me to see my daughter and her father together and know how much he is missing out on, and how much I miss having support, and how serious of a time in my life this is. My number one focus is on my daughter, I will never allow her to feel the effects of my emotions. But, I hang on to these beautiful times and memories we had… but can’t get past the most recent lies and deceptions and I do agree with everyone’s opinions above. Thank you again.. I hope with time I can gain more clairity because right now I am just in a great fog

    #119565
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anny2016:

    I missed this part in your original post: “Many times during this seperation he wuold cancel on me or his daughter, or he woulnd’t see her for a weekend..” I am not sure, your daughter is 15 months old… did she expect him to visit her when he cancelled?

    Obviously, he is a complex man, not all-good and not all-bad. Most people are. I understand that you miss the good parts about him. Problem is he is verbally abusive, as I understand, when he is angry. And problem is, he is not committed to you or to your daughter as his number one priority. He places co workers ahead of the two of you by attending to them at the gym.

    Can you or should you live with his verbal abuse? With being second, or third, to strangers? Can you or should you tolerate that because he is… good looking? Charming? A hard worker?

    And question: did he verbally abuse you and expressed his anger at you aggressively in front of your daughter? Did she expect his visitations when he cancelled those/ was a no- show?

    anita

    #119566
    Ninja
    Participant

    Anny2016 –

    Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult, complex and confusing time.

    I agree with what Anita just asked and suggested.

    I wish you could read your last post with complete objectivity. Here are a few of the several lines that jumped out at me, and perhaps you should read again yourself:

    “My only biggest concerns are him being able to walk out on his family so easily, and on me in the past (which he has done a couple times)”

    “good guys don’t cut other people down”

    “He always had woman followers around him”

    “ex that still had a crush on him, or new woman he was texting with”

    “He always thought I was being insecure and jealous when he had female friends”

    “His life didn’t change much when we had our daughter, he still did everything he desired and chose helping his female friends in the gym at nights versus spending time with the baby as I thought he should but he took that as jealousy”

    “I would find out he was meeting female coworkers to work out at the gym together but not telling me and I felt slighted.”

    I am going to offer some tough love here. I believe you need to hear it – if anything, for your daughter’s sake, as well as your own.

    It is painfully obvious to me that this guy’s focus is entirely on himself and seeking his own pleasure. He doesn’t care about you. He may “act” all loving and caring – when it suits his best interests. True, he may have some nice and attractive qualities. But from what you’ve shared, he has never put your interest before his own. He has lied to you, cheated on you, put you down, been emotionally abusive to you, placed other events before prioritizing time with you and your daughter, and now he is making you feel that the problem is with you.

    You are not the problem. He is the problem.

    Many of us, including myself, have been in similar situations. (And I am a guy here.) We fear being alone and seek the company of someone else. When that other person is toxic, we rationalize their negatives away. But, like a sharp rock in your shoe, you cannot simply “wish” that something would go away. You must take action in order to improve things.

    I also want to say that this period of your life – when you are a young parent – is a very delicate “proving” time of sorts. Having a child means giving things up – in exchange for wonderful new memories. It’s about stepping up to responsibilities. This guy still wants to have everything stay the same – and not give anything up. He is not a prize by any means.

    He doesn’t deserve you or your daughter. You and your little girl truly deserve better.

    Again, seek out the love and support of your family and friends. If possible, seek out the help of a therapist. You say that this guy offered you things that no one else ever did. Please believe me: there are other, better men out there. And I sincerely hope you meet a better man so that, by contrast, you can see how poorly this guy has been to you.

    Wishing you peace today.

    Ninja

    #119601
    Annie
    Participant

    NINJA, your words and thoughts are very helpful and again thank you for taking the time to try to understand and help me… it really means a lot that a stranger would take a moment and try to feel what the other person is feeling in order to help overcome some adversity. It’s beautiful to me to have strangers coming to my suppoert.
    I am re reading my posts, as you suggested, and pretending they were coming from a friend. And I can see what you are trying to get me to see through tough love. He is living a selfish life, and it is evidenced to where he is right now in his life, and how he has impacted others around him, and does’t seem to realize. Until it is too late of course. Once I explain my side… or tell him, if you could talk to our daughter and tell her what her father has been doing honestly for the past few months, would you be proud of the man you are, would you want your daughter to find someone just like you? His answer is no… and it’s not until I get him to self relfect that he will agree and try to make changes to his life. If you read above he agreed with my words and has since tried to make a better effort, never canceling anymore (for the past month) and making Aria his priority. He claims to have removed any “distractions” in his life (i.e. the woman he was dating), so that he could focus on his life, his daughter- and what I am seeing now as an attempt to get me/his family back. He said he ended it with the woman he was dating, and that she knew the whole time he still wanted to work things with me, and stated she left in a rage after he ended it. That is irrelevant, but I was lead to believe it was a casual encounter not a relationship that needed closing.
    Never do I believe he has put my interest before his, only now- he has put his daughters best interest before his own. And by that I mean, he has just retired and is at a cross road in his life where he could literally go anywhere and do anything he wanted. But, due to the fact that he wants to be present for his daughter he has chosen to remain here locally… I know that if she wasn’t in the picture, or I wasn’t, he would be moving to a different country or elsewhere because he is a very adventure seeking, new experience, gypsy type at heart. Which is where his resent came from because he realized now that he coulnd’t do everything he thought he would be doing after retirement.
    I guess I have never been in a relationship where my needs were placed first, and when I was I was too young and immature to appreciate it or realize that is what I needed. I am used to emotionally unavailable men that I feel as if I am trying to get to see my value, or men that dangle their “love” on a string and give me everything I could desire to feel loved but then pull it away if I do something that isn’t acceptable.
    I am trying to take action so I hope that it will help me, coming to sites like this has really allowed me a place to open up. As I mentioned my friends and family do not want to hear about it. I do attend therapy, I am reading a lot of empowering books, and I am trying to become more active, which is something I very much enjoyed pre-baby life. I think I have two things going on… I still miss my old life a bit, this is not to stay I dont absolutely adore my daughter with every ounce of my being, and I woulnd’t change anything. But, with the responsiblity of being a seemingly single mom, I don’t have much time (or energy) to put on myself, she is awlays my number one prioroity and concern, so the things that would help me through this prior, I don’t have the freedom to do now so I feel even more “alone” in a sense. I would typically surround myself with friends, get out meet people, stay busy, but now my time is limited and I am alone for 80% of my day after my daghter goes to sleep, and by time she does I am just so drained. So to make matters worse, that aching to have help and his constant reminder of he could be here for that help and support if I would allow it- creates a complete and utter chaos in my head. He is still at my door when he sees her telling me everything I want he wants, that we are perfect for one another that I will not find someone who can treat me the way he can, that our emotinoal connection is too strong to not fight for, that our family is so important, and that he wants to be there to support me and help me and be present every day in her life. Hearing all the right things, and everything you want is hard to keep fighting for what you believe is right.
    I have had to give up so much for my daughter, willingly and eagerly- so I can honestly say that having her has made me a better person because you can’t be selfish anymnore. My life I live is for her, and if she weren’t in the picture I probably would have taken him back and hurt myself over again, but now it’s about her and creating a future to support her growth. I have sacraficed my career, my life, and many other things in becoming a mother, it is rewarding but challanging.
    I know he doesn’t deserve me or my daughter, especially and at least at this time in his life, maybe my fear lies in the fear of possibly being alone. I’m scared I am just a single mom who is too old and damaged to find someone who will want to stick by us, or to find someone who helps fold laundry or buys her clothes willingly or knows how to treat her and I. I know this is all fresh and new and I will continue to move and fight forward. Places like these forums really help me. THANK YOU AGAIN!

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Annie.
    #119606
    Annie
    Participant

    ANITA, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I am thrilled and grateful for responses and time people take to help me in my situation. She is too young to understand at this time when he cancels, it more has a dissapointing impact on me that he coulnd’t hold true to his promise, but I don’t sulk or vent to my daughter and she doesn’t get I just continue my day and keep her busy with activities. I’m not sure how or if she is impacted by his lack of presence as he lives seperate, she is still happy and cheerful, and always happy to see him, never sad to see him leave, and she clings to me a lot of the time since I am her comfort. He has since stopped this behavior of cancelling and has made a promise to be more “readily” available for his daughter, admitting that he has been “distracted” these past 3 months with living his life, and with his dating another. He has since said he realizes he has not been living up to a man of integrity and promised to be better, which he has (so far.)

    Complex man is definately what I would describe him as… and more so a man who is always seeking that initial feeling of love, that honeymoon phase where he is on a pedastal and the other is as well. A time when there are no expectations the feeling of neither party doing anything wrong because everything seems so right in the beginning, and that feeling of being looked up to. When those feelings dissapate and real life kicks in where there are responsiblities and expectations and needs of others to meet, that is when he runs and says that my expectations were too high or that I woulnd’t allow him to do things, or that his life woulnd’t chnage just because we had a baby, a baby that he never planned to have.

    Yes, he has emotionally and verbally abused me in the heat of arguments and in the heat of high stress moments (mostly dealing with our times as new parents to a newborn and up through 1 years old). It was a very stressful time for both as it wasn’t expected. I went through a lot during this time due to the fact that I was not expecting pregnancy nor was I really ready or prepared to be a mommmy. But, I overcame and relaize the joys and how much more positively my life has changed…it is still hard, but I imagine it is always hard on mommys who have a real sense of self and life prior and during pregnancy and still work full time and want to maintin some level of how their live was prior. He claims that if we had just had time to get to know one another and have time just the two of us it woulnd’t have been so stressful, and we would still be together.

    SO, in short, yes I agree he has not commited to me or his daughter through this time I think we were viewed more as a bump in the road, or that I needed to mold my life to fit his in some sense since I was the one who became pregnant. No I should never live first second or third to other people. I guess it is just hard to wrap my head around how someone can be so caring and tolerant and helpful to others but not to me… and I notice this behavior with his mother too. His mother is the kindest person I have ever met, and she has called me crying due to things he has done or said to her. He has no patience with her, and gets angry over the slightest thing that was really an accident on her part. She lives in a different country, and he left a pair of boots there when we went a few months back, she recalled him saying to give them away because he didn’t need them- so she did, and I guess when he came recenlty and they were not there, he was very angry that she gave them away because he needed them and they were expensive. I’m not sure details, but she was still crying about it recently telling me he hurt her feelings because of how angry he had become. He has done this to her before when she has visited is, he would leave her in tears at the airport because of his frustation with her lack of ability to be independent and do things on her own financially and verbally as english is her second language and she depends on him a lot for help.

    Living with verbal abuse, I recognize, is something I should NEVER settle for. Maybe I am looking for excuses or justifications as in– life was stressful, or he has so much on his plate, he retired and is looking for work after 20 years of military service so I blame his environment or stressors on his ability to be angry or emotionally abusive at times when he doesn’t even realize it.
    He has never done this in front of our daughter yet… she was always sleeping or not around when it would happen.. and again she is too young to expect anything since I dont say Dadda is coming, becase I’m not sure she would fully understand yet. It appears as if he is trying to get his life in order and get a proper place for her to stay and I do believe in him that he will hopefully continue to try harder with her.

    #119615
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anny2016:

    Regarding verbal abuse: it is never justified and most unacceptable for a child to be exposed to. I am glad your daughter wasn’t so far and it must be kept that way.

    Regarding him cancelling on visits with your daughter: again, good she was not aware of previous cancelations and that he stated that he intends to correct that and has done so in the last month. Keep this point in mind for the future as a child waiting for a parent and being cancelled on repeatedly is very hurtful for any child.

    Regarding the father of your daughter: his complexity interests me. He is not a lost cause as a good father and maybe, possibly, a future partner for you. If you tell me more about his relationship with his mother, it will be helpful for me, anything you know.

    You wrote: “His mother is the kindest person I have ever met-” this is YOUR impression of her, not necessarily who she is and who she has been with her son. A kind-sounding person can be surprisingly cruel.

    “and she has called me crying due to things he has done or said to her”- a child/ adult child is not born hurting his mother, wishing her ill. Something about how she behaved with him caused him to be angry at her.

    Regarding his boots. She said that he said it was okay to give them away and unrightfully he got angry when she did. How do you know that her account is true? He may not have said it was okay to give them away.

    It is not for your benefit to side with his mother. Somehow, it is likely that in his relationship with his mother he felt for the first time this BURDEN that he is still carrying, a burden that he should NOT have been given by his mother, a burden that motivates him to escape his current responsibilities.

    Waiting for you to share, if you will, more about his mother and his relationship with her and will reply following that.

    anita

    #119617
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita, his mother is in her 60s, she has two sons (two different men), and had been married for 35 years to a different (american) man who was not either of her son’s father. He never met his real father, and gets very upset with his mother that she doesn’t know much about him or his family. His mother was married to an American man for 35 years, divorced 5 years ago due to an alleged affair with another woman. His mother is a very strict practicing orthodox jew, she converted during marriage which I think led to the divorce because it is a VERY strict religion. From what I gather their relationship was neither loving nor supportive and from the outside it seemed that his mother was in the marriage/relationship to help support her children and create a better life for them, although she told me she still does love and respects him.

    She is a kind person in that, she belives in forgiveness, not judging, and being very supportive no matter what, she is always easy to be around and she is open to anything. I agree, those are just assumptions because I do not really know her. I do know that she was not around much of his childhood due to her working, so his aunts and family raised him alot. She depends on him a lot financially, so that is taxing on him, and when she does visit it is up to him to translate for her, get her finances in order, and help her with a lot of things that he feels she should know or learn. He does not agree with the decisions she made with the money provided to her for the divorce, or where she lives, and wishes she would move back to the states so he could better care for her. They do not get along well because his personality she describes as “hard headed” or tries to talk down to her (or taking on projects or rennovating things in her house that she doesn’t ask for or as opinions, or making her feel like her life and the decisions she has made are second class to what he thinks is best for her).

    Her advice to me whenever we would fight or I would reach out to (even if he apparently did something wrong, like not come home until very late one night before traveling or said something rude) was to tell me to just love him and cook for him, that just to give him hugs and feed him, and tell him how much I appreciated him…and be there to support each other because we are both fighting over things that don’t really matter at the end of the day. She finally has a job where she lives, but it doesn’t pay much, and she still does depend on him. She said that she has cried a lot with his real father, with his step father, and now she sees the step father in him and she can’t handle it anymore, and doesn’t like to be yelled at like he did. She always tells me, he is a good guy with a good heart but he makes poor decisions. When I told her that the issues involved other woman (because he was making it seem as if I just out of the blue told him that I didn’t “want him back,” I didn’t give her specifics but enough to know that it isn’t all what he is saying), she said to let him be and figure out his life then as it seems because he has a problem with commentment and with other women, and that he seems to “destroy” anything good in his life. She also said that keep being his friend, to help him see his bad behavior, to work together and not give him, and that she feels sorry for men today because of the temptations that are out there.

    She seems very “immature” for her age, and seems nieve and very innocent in a sense. She is very forgiving, always sees the beauty in things, is very easy going, very intelligent and driven, but may be not have been there a lot during his early years. Maybe a lot of focus was placed on work and not on the children… they are all very loving and affectionate. It appears as if her and the step father’s relationship was not loving in any sense, and from what she tells me he often nit picked and complained like what I have mentioned, and there was infidelity involved or inappropriate things that came up (sexually) during the relationship. He has no relationship with his step father and he is disgusted in his decision to leave his mother of 35 years.

    Her number one prioroity is her religion, as I mentioned it is very strict (fri-sat she is not allowed to do anything and prayers each not take baout 1+ hours). Her life is built around her religion.

    I have spoken to him and his frustrations is that she just cant do anything on her own and always relies on him, which I can respect. Maybe it was some decisions she made about finances or her irresponsibility, or maybe that she wasn’t there more when he was younger, and the fact that she had him out of a relationship without knowing much about his father. I asked him a little about the boots and he is adament he didn’t tell her to give them away that he needed them, so I dropped it, because I’m not here to take sides, but I wanted to hear what he had to say about it.

    If I were to deeper analyze I would say that he feels a parental role towards his mother. They are of hispanic culture, so it is much diffferent than american culture, but my parents would never rely or expect me to take care of them… but there is an expectation to be responsible for her when he doesn’t agree with decisions she is making. I’m not sure if that helps at all..

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Annie.
    #119621
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear anny2016:

    You wrote in the above post: “I asked him a little about the boots and he is adament he didn’t tell her to give them away that he needed them, so I dropped it, because I’m not here to take sides.”

    Why aren’t you “here to take sides”? Why aren’t you on his side? I thought you wanted a relationship with him. If you did or do, better take his side, at least on a non-consequential topic of his boots! It is not like you will be taking his side on a criminal act on his part!

    I believe him, that he did not tell her to give away his boots.

    From your latest sharing, it seems quite clear to me that his mother is not qualified to give you relationship advice.

    Clearly, he is burdened by her. She represents a burden for him, and in actuality, she is a burden for him. He gives her money and has given her money probably for many years and then he watches he misuse his money. This is frustrating.

    When you associate with his mother, like you have been doing, you are associating yourself with what is a BURDEN to him, in all practicality. Not a good plan, I believe.

    Reads to me that you are dealing with a man carrying a burden. He is nice and helpful to others- as he has been to you fixing the house- liking to be placed on a pedestal, appreciated because in his relationship with his mother he gave and gave and gave… and then gave some more with no appreciation and his giving was misused.

    He likes the “high” of being appreciated, seeing positive results for his giving. He likes being seen as capable and good and helpful, a person of value.

    He will function best in context of your life, as a father and a friend to you, at the least, a life partner at the most, if you take HIS side; if you no longer take his mother’s side. If you show him appreciation for what he does, every bit of it. If you approach his responsibilities in a gentle manner as to not communicate Burden to him.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

    #119622
    Annie
    Participant

    Anita, I agree with what you are saying, I should take his side to show support and in the past I have communicated that to him. I communicated to him that I feel his burden financially and that I didn’t believe that was an appropriate role for him to take on as a child. My hang up is in more of how he treats her when he is frustrated, I feel he could be kinder in his approach and not leave her mad at the airport, or yell about a slight that she may have miunderstood or that he may have misunderstood if that makes sense. I cannot remember exactly what he said about the boots but I vaguely remember him saying you can give them away. Maybe it is more of his reaction that I can’t understand because he has had reactions to me over things that are seemingly minor or misunderstandings. Like baking a pie on a hot day, he would get so frustrated that I just didnt seem to understand how inappropriate it was to have the oven running on a hot day. When I intentionally set aside time when I got home and finished taking care of our daughter to make him something I thougth he would appreciate. Or his immediate instinct to leave after our argument, and to move on with someone else…everything is such a knee jerk reaction that I feel he doesn’t see how his words are very hurtful. Not just leaving to breath, but leaving and saying I never loved you, or never connected with you, and that you are only the mother of our daughter I’m not here to be your friend just to keep you honest. His words are damning and hurtful, although I understand his underlying hurt and frustration with his mother i just cant understanding his reactions.

    You are right about his mother not giving me advice. I try to keep my distance. But I can see now that maybe it is me that is showing him a lack of respect in that sense because I know he just wants to be respected and appreciated. I feel bad now hearing it from a different angle.

    I would love to approach his responsibilities in a gentle manner but how do you do that when you don’t feel your needs are being met and you are being put second best? I appreciated all of his hard work, in a way I thought was gentle but I felt I was still not being placed as a priority in ways I felt needed as a family. I can try to meet all his needs, but when is it you see his behavior as more selfish and just stop? I got to a point where I just coulnd’t give anymore. As I mentioned, he has anothe child in a different country, he went to visit her for 2 weeks and the night before he left instead of being there for myself our daughter he would chose to stay out all day drinking with his guy friends not coming home for dinner. Or consistently putting my needs second to his… Your responses are really making me question my responsiblity in all of this becase I did stop putting him on a pedastal and I did stop appreciating him becasue I always felt he was chosing to help others instead of me, but maybe that was because he felt burdened by me because of my approach.

    #119623
    Annie
    Participant

    He felt burdened by me in the sense of having to be emotionally and phyiscally available to myself and our daughter, and ths new life we had. I think the burden came from this was out of his control, that I became pregnant because now he had to be there physically and emotionally for us. There was never a financial burden on him for me or raising our daughter, and if anything I was supporting more of the household as he transitioned- I was gladly doing this and never made him feel bad or even brought it up it was just how it was. The only thing I fought for was his time and becoming a priority. I could and have been supporting myself and our daughter without making him feel burdened. He once told me that he loved that I was the only woman or person that didn’t “need” anything from him other than love, but I think as time went on and our relationship grew and then we became a family… the need and desire for more time burdened him in a sense of his freedom or inability to put some things in his life second.

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