Home→Forums→Relationships→Tortured by regret of breaking up with him
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anita.
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April 1, 2025 at 8:52 am #444552
anita
ParticipantDear Astrid:
You’re very welcome! I can sense the depth of your emotions in your words, and I want to acknowledge how difficult this journey has been for you. Even though it’s been around seven months since the breakup, you still experience waves of sadness that feel just as fresh as when it first happened. This is a normal part of grief, but the intensity of these emotions suggests you may still be caught between the desire for reconciliation and the search for closure, making it hard to fully accept the breakup as final.
Perhaps your emotional attachment remains strong because you ended the relationship during what you described as “a rash state of overwhelm.” If the decision was made impulsively, it’s natural to question whether it was truly the right one—regret can stem from feeling that something was undone too quickly or without full consideration. Or maybe the separation feels like a personal failure, something difficult to confront.
If you see yourself as someone who nurtures and protects relationships (“I have never ended any sort of relationship or friendship before”), walking away could feel like betraying your own values, leading to internal conflict.
If your friendship or relationship was deeply tied to your identity, stepping away might feel like losing a part of yourself, leaving you uncertain about how to redefine your life without that connection. That kind of transition is incredibly challenging.
If any of these thoughts resonate with you, I’d love to read your reflections. No matter where you are in this process, your emotions are valid, and you deserve the time and space to navigate them in a way that feels right for you.
anita
June 20, 2025 at 7:50 am #446973Pixalus
ParticipantThis thread posted so many years ago has been a buoy in the storm for me. While most woman have written about their various reasons for breaking up and then immensely regretting it, some have also in their regret wished they could go back in time and save a very healthy stable relationship. I went through all 30 responses because I am sadly on the other side of the line. I currently have a very loving relationship of almost 3 years (our 3rd anniversary is in a month) however I have been feeling unsure of the relationship, which is weird as we have never had a fight, we agree on everything, we communicate perfectly as I love over communicating and he has given me the world. I am a catholic and my parents would never agree to a non catholic marriage, so he is making the effort to learn about and convert to my religion, he has always had chronic depression but wants to pull himself out of it by agreeing to therapy for me, he gives me all the space in the world, he never holds me back and in these past three years I have felt safe and secure with him (unlike my previous toxic relationships) which has given me room to grow and develop as an individual. He is the gentlest and kindest soul and will love me till the day I die maybe even after (and I have never been more sure of his love for me) I don’t think I look amazing but in his eyes I always feel beautiful loved and respected. Which is why I am kicking myself for feeling less love than he has for me. My first therapist (many years before meeting him) told me that one day I will know when I’ve found the right guy because he will be what you need (loving, kind unconditional love) and not what you want(toxic thrilling roller coaster love) my second therapist thinks im still chasing that toxic flame and right now I just feel confused and lost. So far I have never regretted anything in my 29years of existence but today I wonder if I am about to make the biggest mistake of my life? If you had a chance to go back again and change things would you really do it?
Thank you for reading this far
June 20, 2025 at 10:25 am #446992anita
ParticipantDear Davina:
Thank you for sharing something so personal. You wrote with such honesty, and it’s clear you’ve spent time trying to understand not just your relationship—but yourself.
There’s something incredibly brave about asking, “Why do I feel this way when nothing is wrong?” Because what you have sounds beautiful: a partner who’s loving, generous, emotionally available, and willing to grow with you. It makes sense that the doubt feels confusing—even guilt-inducing. But doubt doesn’t always mean something’s broken. Sometimes it’s a sign that you’re listening—not to a problem, but to a question that’s still taking shape inside you.
This duality—wanting the emotional thrill vs. needing deep, steady love—is something both your therapists have touched on. The dilemma, as I see it: the fear of choosing safety and later mourning the absence of passion, or worse—choosing passion and realizing too late that you’ve let go of a truly good man.
You’re not ungrateful or cold-hearted. You may simply still be in the process of rewiring what love feels like. After surviving toxic relationships where love came with drama or instability, it’s natural that something calm—even healthy—might feel unfamiliar. Less “exciting,” maybe. Less known. And that unfamiliarity can feel like something’s missing, even when your partner is doing everything “right.”
What I hear beneath it all is your integrity. The fact that you’re reflecting before acting—the way you’re trying to spare him pain, even as you hold your own confusion—tells me how deeply you care. About him, and about the kind of life you want to live with honesty.
This is what I posted to Elle (the original poster of this thread) back on January 27, 2016: “My advice is for you to explore and get an understanding of what happened and what is going on with you first. It will not be fair for him that you follow your current feelings for him when you don’t understand what is going on.”
And so—nine and a half years later—I offer the same advice to you: take time to gently explore what’s happening within you. I wonder… growing up, was one of your parents—or both—emotionally distant or critical? Did a quiet hope begin in your heart back then, a passion to one day turn an emotionally unavailable person into someone loving?
With warmth and respect, Anita
June 20, 2025 at 11:48 am #446995Pixalus
ParticipantHey Anita,
Thank you so much for your reply, I will answer your last question first, “ passion to one day turn an emotionally unavailable person into someone loving?” This would definitely be my 2nd boyfriend who I dated for just one year back in 2015 and then spent the next 6 years chasing after him. Always in the hopes that he would start to love me the way I loved him. (Yep he was just using my girlfriend privileges, wife privileges even, as I lived with him) (thank God I don’t have kids, so it doesn’t complicate the situation) but Overtime I hardened my heart and and just continued to give him love without expecting anything in return. That was more than enough for me for a while. Until I met my current boyfriend who comes from a similar maybe even more damaging relationship, so we both know what it is like to be hurt or used and has led us to be so kind and nurturing to one another.
Maybe you are right and these are also the exact words my second therapist used, “ it’s natural that something calm—even healthy—might feel unfamiliar. Less “exciting,” maybe. Less known.”
She said my hearts compass is damaged while my brain tried to reason with logic” logically straying with my current boyfriend feels like im investing in my future and my wellbeing but my heart wants to do something out there, put myself in a situation where i feel a lack of security and i face the world myself (the thrill i suppose) and i wonder how to make this feeling stop! In this case I would take a break and get it out of my system but he is not ready to wait around for me while I go about being indecisive. Which I fully understand. But I feel like this has cornered me into a situation where my next move feels like a guess not a decision and I will have to be surprised by either “relief or regret”But we will definitely make couples therapy a priority to answer these questions forming within me and sparing us both a very stupid decision. We both take marriage very seriously, as both our parents didn’t have good marriages and we don’t want history repeating itself and us hating and resenting each other.
June 20, 2025 at 12:18 pm #446996anita
ParticipantDear Davina:
You’re very welcome.
Reading your response, I was struck by how much clarity and emotional honesty you’re already holding—even in the middle of uncertainty. You’re not running from the truth—you’re circling it, slowly and bravely. That matters.
I think it’s wonderful that you and your partner are considering couples therapy. That step alone speaks volumes about the care and seriousness with which you’re both approaching your future.
In the meantime, something you might find helpful is this: try journaling (privately or even here)—not the polished, reflective kind, but something freer, looser. Let your thoughts spill. Set a timer and describe—without judgment—the kind of relationship that would truly thrill you. Not necessarily with a real person. Just let your imagination go.
What does that kind of love feel like in your body? What kinds of conversations, tensions, moments of passion or uncertainty show up? Is there chaos? Silence? Hunger? Laughter?
Let it pour out unfiltered—no editing, no evaluating. Just write as if no one will ever read it but your own curiosity.
You don’t need to figure it all out at once. This isn’t about rushing to a decision—it’s about becoming someone who sees herself clearly, so that the decision, when it comes, feels like home instead of a coin toss.
If you do feel like sharing anything that comes up in the process—whether poetic, messy, angry, tender, confused, or all of the above—I’ll meet it with care.
With warmth, Anita 🕊️
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