Hi

I would love some advice about whether or not to contact someone from my past that I feel I need to apologise to. It has been so long but I still feel guilt and wonder if after all this time, a sorry from me would be a selfish or a healing action..

I’ve recently turned 40 which has put me in an introspective mood and have been thinking about this more and also found some photos from when I was 18 and away on holiday with a friend.  I had a boyfriend at the time who was not a nice guy (the benefit of hindsight!) but I was young and inexperienced and totally consumed by him. He was away at the time on his own lads holiday ,and had tormented me about how he was not going to remain faithful faced with such temptation on holiday. I spent a miserable 1st week away worrying about him and feeling homesick , over analyzing the situation etc  but then pulled myself together and enjoyed the rest of the holiday with the resolve to move on once I was home. On the last couple of nights I met a guy who was working there and we had a few nights together. I really liked him and hoped he’d contact me once we were both back in the UK.

Of course, once I was home my boyfriend re appeared, full of remorse having obviously not been as successful with the girls as he had hoped..

I was very confused and didn’t admit my infidelity. A month or so later, the guy from holiday got in touch and said he’d come back early to see me – I was totally thrown by this and agreed to meet him and before I knew it he’d invited me to his house and to meet his parents. I ended up sleeping with him whilst I stayed over and he seemed very keen , it was all a bit much and I was so used to being treated badly I suppose I found his attention too much  and panicked. To my shame, I waved him goodbye the next day and never returned any of his calls…This was pre mobile days and internet .. A few weeks later, I received a lovely card  and a message saying he hoped he would hear from me etc ..

I was wracked with guilt as my ex was still playing the dream boyfriend and I couldn’t believe that I was the one who had been unfaithful .. and never replied to the holiday guy. I started writing back to him many times but never sent anything.

Of course it didn’t last with my boyfriend but by then I had lost my confidence and couldn’t bring myself to contact the guy from holiday in case I was (deservedly) rejected . I have thought about him many times since , but always felt it would be arrogant to contact him, and whilst I was single during parts of my 20’s, didn’t have the nerve.

I am now happily married with 2 children . For some reason I find myself re-living this period of my life and berating myself for the cowardly way I behaved. I have been treated similarly on occasion and know the pain being “ghosted” can cause and can’t believe I ever behaved this way to such a nice guy.

I don’t really use social media but after seeing the photos and thinking about the possibility of saying sorry, looked him up and can see he too is married . He looks happy and I am under no illusion about the fact he has probably not thought about me for years – 22 in fact.

I, however, feel that I would like to apologise, albeit very belatedly for how I treated him but am worried that this is a bad idea..I don’t want to re-connect in any way other than to say sorry and don’t expect /need a reply  but worry that this will come across as arrogant and also is disrespectful of his wife.  Perhaps it is having children that has made me feel this way..as hate the thought of them being treated so carelessly by someone else. And can’t believe that the young me ever behaved this way.

Seeing the card and photos has weirdly unhinged something in me and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Am I mad to consider it? I am torn between thinking life is short and a simple apology, however late is better than nothing and also thinking that perhaps I am crazy to contact someone after such a long and significant part of their life has passed.  I would really appreciate any other perspectives on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.