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Regrets, Living in the past and feeling lost

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  • #367722
    stadtler
    Participant

    Hello everyone! I’ve been a Tiny Budah fan for a long time and finally decided to register and to share some of my feelings, because most of the time I just don’t feel that happy.

     

    I know I shouldn’t say that… I have a job, I have food on my table every day, good health…

     

    But mentally I feel sick.

     

    I’m 30 and I feel unhappy and I have a feeling that my life has no purpose and that it’s too late to change.

     

    When I was younger my brother moved to London (I’m portuguese, btw) and I always had the dream to go and live and work there as well. I just felt that London was home.

    I ended up not going. First I was scared things wouldn’t work out, and then I didn’t wanted to go because of my friends (I don’t wanna go too deep with the relationship that i had with my family, but to make things short let’s just say that my friends were my family). I thought I was going to lose them.

    I regret not going, to a point that I can’t stop thinking about that. To what my life could have been. My brother is no longer in London and now due to the pandemic, moving there and taking the leap is simply not an option.

     

    Now I find myself in France. Doing a job that doesn’t fulfill me. Yes, it’s a nice position, but I don’t connect with almost no one there,and the salary it’s not that good. It pays the bills and that’s it. I want to change and move but no one hires me or calls me back from interviews.

    So I just find myself in this limbo. From one side I regret not moving to London, from the other side I just feel lost, in a place where I don’t want to be and with no option of moving forward.

     

    Am I the only one feeling like this? How can I stop regreting? How do I find a way to find a new purpose?

     

    I literally feel lost at sea.

     

    Thank you for any help you can give.

    #367729
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stadtler:

    I will read and reply to your thread in when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #367732
    stadtler
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!

    #367734
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stadtler:

    First, I will retell your story my way:

    When you were growing up in Portugal, your friends were your family because your family wasn’t a friendly place for you (“I don’t wanna go too deep with my relationship that I had with my family.. let’s just say that my friends were my family”). Your home with your family didn’t feel like Home, and your dream was that “London was home”, and if you moved to London, you would be at home.

    But you didn’t move to London in your 20’s because you were scared. First, you were “scared things wouldn’t work out”, then you were scared to lose your friends (“I thought I was going to lose them”). Currently, at 30, you are scared of moving there during the pandemic.

    You are currently living and working in France. Your job is a nice position, but it doesn’t fulfill you, it doesn’t pay much beyond the bills, and you “don’t connect with almost no one there”. You’ve been looking for a different job but without success.

    Most of the time you feel mentally sick (“mentally I feel sick”), that your life has no purpose and that it’s too late to change it. You regret not having gone to London so much that you “can’t stop thinking about it. To what my life could have been”. You feel “lost at sea”, lost in a place where you “don’t want to be and with no option of  moving forward”.

    And now, your questions and my answers:

    1. “Am I the only one feeling like this?”- no, you are not the only one. Millions of people feel like this. Millions of people are lost, dissatisfied and regretting what “could have been”.

    2. “How can I stop regretting? How do I find a way to find a new purpose?”-

    I think that you were lost as a child growing up in a home that didn’t feel like Home; it didn’t feel safe and loving, didn’t feel welcoming, so you wanted to be elsewhere, far away, a place that will feel like home. In your mind, London became Home- not in practice, because you didn’t move there: The idea/ dream of London became synonymous with Home.

    Many young people who dreamed about moving to London (or New York City, or Los Angeles, etc.). and then moved-  found themselves lost in their dream city. Consider you could have been one of the many.

    What you need most, beyond physical survival, is to connect with people, the very thing you were lacking growing up with your family, and the very thing you are lacking now (“don’t connect with almost no one”).

    Humans are social animals. A turtle (a solitary animal) is fine by itself, but a dog, a wolf, a coyote, an elk and a human (social animals) cannot live by themselves, not physically and not emotionally. For a human’s mental health, it is necessary to emotionally connect with other humans.

    If a person does not emotionally connect with other people, the person feels mentally sick, hopeless and depressed. Connecting with others is what makes a place Home.

    The question is how can you connect to one person where you now live, how can you find one person who will understand you, like you, value you, want to spend time with you.. a person you will like and value in return. This is what you need NOW. Later, you can think about moving to another place, but now, for your mental health, you need to connect to at least  one person where you live.

    Who can that be and in what context?

    anita

    #367735
    stadtler
    Participant

    Thank you so much for replying anita.

     

    Although my family was a safe place, during my late teens I felt incredibly lonely.

     

    You definitely hit a spot when you said: “London was the idea of home”. I never thought about putting it in that context but it’s definitely true. I always thought that there I could have been so much more, kinda like a different person.

    But just like you wisely said, I could have felt lost as well. And things could have gone very wrong.

     

    Although I keep contact with family and friends back in Portugal (the city that I live is cheap enough to allow me to get back to Portugal on a regular basis, at least pre pandemic), but yes, it’s a city where I don’t have any connections. I literally feel that the only thing that I do is go to work and then get back home and “hide” on my bedroom, far way from everything and everyone.

     

    I think that it’s my fault that I don’t have any deep connections where I live. I got so wrapped up in my head, that mentally I feel that I hate everyone and everything. Since there was no fulfillment the city where I live ment sadness and something that was bad for me. Maybe I should try to work out to see  the good!

     

    And yes, you are very right: “connecting with others is what it makes you feel at home”

    Maybe I should try to see how I can make France be my home. And after that, I can think about moving other places or getting a new job.

     

    Thank you so much for your support and kind words!!

    #367739
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stadtler:

    You are very welcome.

    “During my late teens I felt incredibly lonely… (now:) the only thing that I do is go to work and then get back home and ‘hide’ in my bedroom, far away from everything and everyone”- reads to me that you are re-living your late teens experience.

    “Maybe I should try to work out to see the good”- yes, your mental health depends on it, find one good and honest person where you are and connect with that person.

    “Maybe I should try to see how I can make France my home. And after that, I can think about moving to other places or getting a new job”- I agree.

    One quote about home reads: “home is not a place.. it’s a feeling”, and another: “Home is the starting place of love, hope and dreams”- make where you live now, be the starting place of love, hope and dreams. And do post here anytime you want to. I will be glad to read from you and reply every time you post.

    anita

    #367750
    stadtler
    Participant

    Yes, I think that I’m reliving my teens…

     

    Thank you so much, once again for you wise words. You truly helped me. Thank you anita. 🙂

    #367751
    anita
    Participant

    You are very welcome, Stadtler.

    anita

    #367754
    brian adams
    Participant

    Hello,

    Reading this made me realize how small the world is and great thanks to Stadler for bringing it out cause many of us are tormented by our past, making us paralyzed living our present life .

    Anita, thank you so much for your wise words .” If a person does not emotionally connect with other people, the person feels mentally sick, hopeless and depressed. Connecting with others is what makes a place Home”. I absolutely agree to every word.

    But, being a person who used to love socializing to someone who forgot what it’s like to have deep connections due to past experiences.

    How and Where should I start?

    thank you.

     

    #367795
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear brian adams:

    You are welcome. Can you start your own thread (go to Forums above, choose a Category, scroll down the page)?

    In your thread, please elaborate on “being a person who used to love socializing to someone who forgot what it’s like to have deep connections due to past experiences”- – what were those past experiences, how long ago, and what are your current interactions and relationships with people?

    anita

     

    #367796
    stadtler
    Participant

    You most welcome brian. I hope you can find your path to healing!

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