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This topic contains 16 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 7 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #197015

    Sarika
    Participant

    Hello,

    I have a confession to make and at the same time seeking direction. I was married in 2009 and then got divorced in 2010. I led a very lonely life with almost no emotional or financial support from my family. My life centered around home to office and back home. No friends, no social life.

    Years passed this way. Then I happen to meet this guy from office. We had no attraction as such. He thought I was married and I was not in that frame of mind. Few months passed and I got to know him better and realized he is genuine and nice. We went out couple of time like friends and then the news broke our office were shifting, he was to move to some other office and me somewhere else.

    We decided to meet out over a weekend after we shifted office. And since he was a nice guy I felt attracted to him and even made advances at him to which he reciprocated. But I realized he is 5 years younger to me and hence didn’t revel my age to him and told him I am of the same age as his and also didn’t reveal that I am a divorcee just told him my marriage is in a mess. We discussed our relation and it was decided that he will marry the girl his parents choose and as long as we are together we will be loyal and committed. We both agreed. But we took instant liking towards each other and we loved each other conditionally. We spent beautiful moments together. A year later since the things were getting serious I asked him about the future and he said we can’t be together as it was discussed in the initial stage itself. We broke up for a bit but then got back together with in a week.

    The relation got better and we were going great again. In between I used to ask him about our future and he always refused for a future together, which I was prepared for because he did clarify it initially. We completed 1.5 years of our relationship and it so happened that his elder sister got married and it was his turn now. He hadn’t told me about his sisters’ marriage thinking it might spoil our new year celebration. After few days he told me about this. And then the obvious question ‘next what?’ To my disbelief after 1.5 years he tells me I will take you to meet my parents. I was like this was unexpected from him. Then I confessed to him that I am divorcee since 8 years and I am 5 years elder to him. He now doesn’t want to continue or have any relation with me.

    Please advice

    #197085

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarika:

    To understand better, I ask:

    Would you say he has been and is throughout the time you know him, an honest man, a man of integrity who doesn’t lie himself, keeps his word to others?

    When you told him about the two lies (your age and marital status/history), how did you explain to him that you chose to lie and keep these two lies during the relationship?

    anita

    #197121

    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Sarika,

    He is aware that you are married as you told him “just told him my marriage is in a mess”.

    Do you have any idea why was he about to take you to meet his parents? Was it for a casual meet or for anything else related to both of you?

     

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  VJ.
    #197177

    Sarika
    Participant

    Hi,

    I wasn’t for a casual meet but to introduce me to his parents to take things forward.

    Thanks

     

    #197179

    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Sarika,

    He knew that you were married because “just told him my marriage is in a mess”

    and yet he wanted to take you to meet his parents for matrimonial purposes?

    #197245

    Sarika
    Participant

    Yes, exactly but then I revealed my real age and then he decided to back off.

    #197251

    Sarika
    Participant

    Hello,

    For the 2 years I knew him I understand he was honest and man with integrity.

    But from day one he was sure that our relationship had no future but still we were in deep love. And this question of our future cropped up quite often in this 2 years and he always said a future is not possible. And suddenly one day he said that he is willing to take me to his parents. Hence I revealed that I had hidden my age from him. By now he knew I was divorced. But my age he didn’t know. After knowing the truth he has backed off completely.

    #197351

    VJ
    Participant

    Okay, so it appears that the divorce part he already knew and so was ok to take you to his parents. But it was only the age part that he didn’t dislike and backed off.

    “He now doesn’t want to continue or have any relation with me”

    From this above line of yours there doesn’t seem to be any reason for you to be wanting him back again. True, genuine love doesn’t see all these things like age, etc.

    At least from your name you appear to be from India. Are you? And is he too from the same place?

    #197381

    Sarika
    Participant

    Yes, we both are from India. Post revealing my age he has very strongly made up his mind to move on. I did try to reason it out to him why I hid my age. Since he had initially told me, we can’t be together I didn’t bother to tell him my age. Otherwise the relationship was going good.

    I did put across this situation before few people to get a perspective and everyone said age shouldn’t have mattered if he really loved me.

    Thanks for taking out time for me and analysing my situation and giving me a viewpoint.

    If possible can you give me a detailed interpretation of the whole scenario since you will have a neutral view.

    #197391

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarika:

    It is possible that he can’t tolerate lies of any kind. Knowing him for as long as you have, maybe you can determine if this is the case. But there is also another possibility: when he suggested that he takes you to meet his parents or shortly after, he was conflicted about it, expecting difficulties in the process of trying to get his parents’ approval of a marriage between the two of you.

    When you told him about your age, he used it as a reason, or an excuse, to withdraw from his recent plan of taking you to his parents and starting a process he expected to be difficult.

    anita

    #197437

    Sarika
    Participant

    It’s not that he is intolerant to lies. His friend of many years seems to be a compulsive liar. He is still adjusting towards him.

    Like I said he never wanted to be with me in the long run. But after spending time with me, he may have realised that he could be happy with me. He did foresee difficulties with us being together even if I was his age. But after revealing my age he changed his stance altogether. Btw his sister who recently got married is elder to her husband by few years.

    He seems to have analysed that just him and me can be happy  but his family and friends won’t be happy that we are together.

    #197439

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarika:

    Seems then that he was conflicted, not sure he wanted to move the relationship toward marriage, not wanting to deal with his family and friends’ disapproval of it, so he used your lie as a way to bail himself out, as in saying: I am done because you lied to me. The truth would be: I am done because I don’t want difficulties. Do you think this is the case?

    anita

    #197463

    Sarika
    Participant

    Yes, that can be the case. He was always conflicted. On various occasions within these 2 years I tried to figure out if we have a future and his reply was always negative. Out of the blue he says he will take me to his parents for matrimony. I have faced situations wherein my life crisis was blown out of proportion just because I discussed it with people. So I prefered to keep things to myself. And since I didn’t see a future with him I didn’t reveal my facts either.

    #197471

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sarika:

    In your original post you asked for advice. What is it that you need advice about: is it whether to try to contact him even though he doesn’t want to have contact with you anymore?

    anita

    #197485

    Sarika
    Participant

    I just needed your viewpoint that’s all about the entire scenario. I am not the one to force him for anything. If I wanted I could have just walked off without telling him the truth. Leaving him to wonder what happend but I spoke the truth and then left it to him to decide the fate.

    His mind changed after knowing me. And like I said if his sister could marry out of caste and to a guy younger to her then why couldn’t he atleast try.

    And one more thing he kept repeating he liked being with me. Had I not been worth his time, he wouldn’t have come to a stage where he was ready to take me to his parents. I am little confused now that whether he really loved me or just liked me. Because we both gave each other 2 years. But in this 2 years he had a plan b I.e. to marry someone else when his parents force him to and I had no action plan. He was my priority but I can’t say the same about him.

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