Dear Joohi:

I read your original post and will reply further later, maybe as late as tomorrow (Saturday) morning. But for now: I think that your proposed solution at the end of your post is the best: for you to live separately and independently from your parents and from your boyfriend.

I understand how expensive it’d be but maybe there are less expensive options such as being a live-in caretaker, exchanging caretaking of an older person for rent, an older person who needs help only at certain times, so that you have the time to continue your job and studies…?

anita

Dear Joohi:

This post will be long and it will include quotes from various online sources, not all appear to apply to your individual story, but I view it all as connected.

“My dad said horrible things to me such as are you stupid. No one in our family has married to white. Look at your cousins who are born here in the United States and they are married to Indian. He tried to cut ties with me. I was really scared. My mom was crying a lot. He forced me to quit my job (full-time), by forcing me to stay home“-

– There is a word, coercion, and a term, coercive control, that apply to your father’s behavior. Wikipedia on coercion: “Coercion involves compelling a party to act in an involuntary manner by the use of threats… It involves a set of forceful actions which violate the free will of an individual in order to induce a desired response”.

From parenting for brain. com/ coercive parenting(in regard to minor-age children): “Coercive parenting is using harsh parental behavior such as hitting, yelling, scolding, threatening, rejecting, and psychological control to enforce compliance with the child. These parents also use frequent negative commands, name-calling, overt expressions of anger, and physical aggression. Coercive parents are authoritarian parents. They are intrusive, over-controlling… Coercive parents are generally more concerned about retaining hierarchical status distinctions…”.

From Wikipedia/ violence against women in India: “According to the National Crime Records Bureau of India, reported incidents of crime against women increased by 15.3% in 2021 compared to the year 2020…. <sup id=”cite_ref-5″ class=”reference”></sup>in 2011, there were more than 228,650 reported incidents of crime against women, while in 2021, there were 428,278 reported incidents, an 87% increase… 65% of Indian men believe women should tolerate violence in order to keep the family together, and women sometimes deserve to be beaten. <sup id=”cite_ref-Survey_7-0″ class=”reference”></sup>In January 2011, the International Men and Gender Equality Survey (IMAGES) Questionnaire reported that 24% of Indian men had committed sexual violence at some point during their lives…

“The perpetuation of violence against women in India continues as a result of many systems of sexism and patriarchy in place within Indian culture… <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_9-2″ class=”reference”></sup>Married women in India tend to see violence as a routine part of being married. <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_9-3″ class=”reference”></sup>Women who are put in a situation where they are being subjected to gender-based violence are often victim shamed, being told that their safety is their own responsibility and that whatever may happen to them is their own fault.<sup id=”cite_ref-:1_9-4″ class=”reference”></sup> In addition to this, women are very heavily pressured into complicity because of social and cultural beliefs, such as family honor”.

Back to your original post: “One day, I packed my bags quickly as I could. When my mom was taking shower, I bolted out of the window… When I went home, my dad pretended nothing happened and he was not even sorry. Later on, I was depressed living with my parents. So I moved out again… Fast forward to now, my bf wants me to live with (him) and my parents want me to come home. My mom wants me home because of my dad because he will get mad at her. In my culture, I am not suppose to be living with my bf before marriage… I am in this situation where one side is my relationship with my bf and other side is my relationship and my culture to my parents. This has caused me a lot of anxiety and made me go to clinic to get anxiety medicine. This whole situation is causing my bf extreme anxiety…. I feel guilty for lying but I had no choice to lie for my own safety. Please help…  Any advice. Please help.”-

– Your culture, as is true to other traditional cultures, such as the one I grew up in, include some positive aspects and delicious food, but also-  part of the culture– is the coercive control and severe abuse of children, particularly of girls, and of women.

I believe that you are safer in the U.S., in terms of physical violence and rape, than you would be in many parts of India because the Indian police and court system, from what I read, often do not protect women from physical assaults. And yet, you are not safer in terms of abuse that does not include shed blood, broken bones and rape: you have been severely abused following your choice of  boyfriend, based on his race.

You need to be protected from any further abuse, so whatever needs to be done for your protection is of first priority.

One way for you to avoid your father’s further abuse is to 100% submit to his will in any area that he demands submission. But you don’t have to submit to him: you are an adult woman living in the U.S., and therefore you have other choices.

A family is supposed to be a place of physical and psychological safety, isn’t it? Humiliation, name calling, threats, subjugation, etc., (coercive control), do not belong in a family, and when these things are exercised within the family- the family needs to be rejected.

Culture has a positive connotation, but when subjugation, rape and other physical assaults are part of the culture- the culture itself should be rejected, and a new one resurrected from it: one that does not include these things.

I hope to read from you again and communicate with you further. I hope for the best for you.

anita