Dear Jen:

To move forward and have a functional relationship in the future, better first determine if this anxiety as it manifested itself in this recent relationship has history in previous romantic relationships, that is, if it was special for that one relationship or existed before?

Was that your first romantic relationship; if not, what happened in previous relationships?

anita

Dear Jen:

I read your most recent post. I need to be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Will re-read your posts when I am back.

I would like to know more about your relationship history before your “first proper relationship 2 years ago”, and that is, your relationship with your parent or parents. If you would like to share, please do.

One term to childhood years is Formative Years. I like this term because we are indeed formed during our childhoods. Our experience with our parents, our relationships with our parents, very much form much of our relationship behavior in adulthood.

This is why I asked you what I asked.

anita

Dear Jen:

First, a summary of what you shared here: you dated a young man briefly in 2016 and that ended with him leaving you for his ex girlfriend. Two years later you dated him again,  for 2.5 months. During these 2.5 Months dating months you worried a lot about whether he is interested in you or not, will he message you back, whether he lied to you about where he was. You were very anxious, fearful on an ongoing basis. You told him things like that you hated him. You “continuously cause(d) fights for no reason” and you broke up with him “to see if he really cared”.

Second, your question: “What would be the best way to combat relationship anxiety going forward?”

My answer:

1. Distinguish between feelings and behavior. You cannot control how you feel but you can control how you behave. Next time, when you feel anxious and worried, do not tell the man: “I hate you” or any such verbal aggression. Do not cause fights (for any reason), and do not break up with the man (unless you mean it and then, just that one time).

Once you feel anxious and angry, you will be motivated to say mean things to the man, you will be motivated to start a fight, you will really, really want to… This is why it will take you doing something else, instead. For example, you can take a very long, fast walk outside, or listen to relaxing music, or download a relaxing guided meditation, or write in a journal, etc. Take time out from the anxiety and anger.

Think before you act, avoid the compulsion to act destructively. Then don’t.

2. Share with the man your anxiety responsibly. Don’t go on and on about it, burdening him, giving him the message that it is his fault and something for him to fix. Let him know you had this anxiety before you met him. Hopefully he will feel empathy for you and accommodate you reasonably, for example, messaging you back within an hour of your messaging him.

3. If this relationship anxiety continues in the next relationship, and if the man is indeed a decent man, then you might need to attend quality psychotherapy so to look deeper into your anxiety, learn skills (to calm yourself/ regulate your emotions, as well as interpersonal skills, how to communicate responsibly and effectively to a boyfriend) and help you along the way.

anita

Dear Jen:

Your most recent sentence is: “Now he just thinks I’m crazy, we don’t speak anymore.”

I suppose your behavior, as you described it, was indeed crazy. But this kind of crazy is not a life sentence, doesn’t have to be, not at all. You have exams in six weeks, better be sane so that you can study for these exams. Better not carry on this… crazy into the future.

The behavior you described was fueled by fear, by ongoing, intensely felt fear, overwhelming. Your brain/ body reacted to it in drastic, ineffective ways, illogical, destructive. The way I finally forgave myself for … my own crazy behaviors of the past was by embarking on the healing process, healing from that anxiety that fueled my then behaviors. Beginning the process and persisting in it is what earned me self forgiveness.

Regarding the origin of your anxiety, your understanding is that it started in 2016 when after a short amount of dating he left you for an ex girlfriend. If so, if you believe this is the first time you felt anxious, will you share about the experience of 2016, the nature of the relationship then and the breakup?

anita