Dee,

I’m sympathetic to the struggles you’re facing, and agree with most of what Buddhist Wife said. It sounds to me that your happiness and well being have become dependent on him. This is normal, especially early on in life… but leads to unnecessary heartache. A few ideas came to heart as I read your words.

The first is that most of your writing is done from his side. What he did, where he was coming from, and how his actions made you feel. Consider that in order for you to find your heartsong, that inner voice of love and wisdom that pulls you toward your dream, it is important to step back and look at your side.

Sometimes when we are new to love, we find someone that we feel is the “love of our life”. All our loving feelings pour out toward the person, and they become a symbol, a gift, an avatar of loving feelings. This is very dangerous, because if the way they return the love is sketchy, our heart becomes very hurt.

Instead what we can do is invest our love into our own body. We take time to self nurture, to hug ourselves and become the source of our own love. Taking baths, following our hobbies, meditation (especially!), wish ourselves happiness and peace… all these activities often take a back seat when we’re in a relationship with a romantic partner. This depletes our batteries, and we get hungry for love. Then we seek it in our partner, but if their batteries are depleted also, it becomes stale, argumentative, petty fighting and so on.

Perhaps the break is good for you, too. It will give you time to settle your debts with yourself, finish or get started on the to do list, and practice self care. Then, you’ll be energized enough to reconnect with him from a place of strength, rather than need. Also, consider checking out the work of Pia Melody, her words are like a fresh spring rain.

With warmth,
Matt

Dee,

Pema Chodron has a great book “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.” I highly recommend it. I’m really impressed how you’ve been doing your best to use this emotional turmoil to turn inward and uproot unhealthy ways of being. Your connection with him seems pretty far eroded on his side, and as much as I would like to tell you the future, my heart doesn’t give me that kind of information.

When my first marriage collapsed, I was just like you. I saw my patterns before we ended things, and embarked on a journey of self discovery. Every time I learned something new, I felt like a kid wanting to bring a shiny new toy to my wife. Sadly, her heart had closed to me… so instead of seeing sincere desire and honest growth, she saw it as me trying to win her back. Part of me was doing just that, trying to grow to be a better partner for her.

We separated and divorced, and it was painful. Just like you I felt the “too late” feeling of regret that brought me to my knees on multiple occasions. Finally, after much praying and hoping I started to wish for her happiness, wherever that takes her. I accepted the pain of loss, and decided that I would honor what joy there was in our relationship by letting her go. I cried and my mind reeled, but it was only my half, my pain.

The mantra I used to stop the cycles in my thoughts was “I wish you find peace and love wherever you decide to find it.” Over and over I said it, at first through gritted teeth as my mind clung to the past. Then, finally I started to feel the genuine nature of detached love for her. Beyond being “my wife” there was a girl, a woman, and a mother who deserves happiness with or without me. It was beautiful and painful at the same time, to see her fly, but fly away.

My heart changed through the process, though. I let go of the deep needy love that I had before, and learned to open up the space inside me. It took a few more relationships before I found my soul mate, but when I did, my heart was ready to love unconditionally. My ex wife is one of my close friends now, and she is married to one of my high school friends. My current wife and I are not only unburdened by the icky patterns I had before, but all of the pain that pushed me to grow unconditional love is something I now deeply appreciate, because it taught me not to take for granted the little things. There isn’t a day that goes by that we wouldn’t marry each other again!

Take heart, Dee. I know it is painful, but that pain is making you alert. What you choose to do with the pain is up to you, and even though you can’t change him or win back an intimacy… the more you accept the truth of what you have, the more you will heal. Then if he comes back, it will be great. If he doesn’t, it will be painful for awhile, then it will be great as you use your wisdom and heart to grow a new relationship with someone who wants to be with you too.

If you decide not to get the Pema Chodron book, perhaps at least consider adding to the end of “I want to show him what I’ve learned” a little tag “but even if I never can, this is known as a good change, so I will make it for me.”

With warmth,
Matt

Dee,

Thank you for the kind words. When we detach from needing our feelings to be requited, there is a magic in our heart. For instance, you say that my compassion and thoughtfulness for someone I don’t know is amazing. I don’t see it that way. My world is full of billions of siblings, my dear friends and family. Just because they don’t see it that way is of no consequence to me! Said differently, when we let go of the need for others to feel the same, being loving is really the only thing that makes any sense. We’re all looking for the same peace, the same happiness. In different directions some times, but diversity is strength. 🙂

Perhaps as you take this break, the end result isn’t as important as the present result. Said differently, there is still the yearning inside for him, and that’s normal, usual and expected. However, it also places the keys to your peace in his hands, which is precarious. There is a real possibility that he is moving on. I like the way you considered that if he is moving on, then he’s not the man you imagine him to be. Who knows? With that being unknown and unknowable, it seems OK to let it go.

Be patient with yourself, and keep returning to the breath. You have a touch of peace in your heart, and it gets overlooked by the storm of thoughts and desires. There is peace, then there is an email. Then the mind shoots off into many directions, hoping and dreading for favorable futures and painful futures. The peace is lost in the fantasy. When that happens, instead of forgetting and tossing your keys on his side, consider just noticing.

“Oh my goodness, will he ever be with me? What does he mean by these words?” Breathe! “I remember that peace is available here and now, where is it covered by?” Breathe! “Wow, my mind is unsettled and racing.” Breathe! “This is interesting, the email caused ripples in my mind.” Breathe! “Just ripples”. Breathe! “Just breath”. Peace.

Your mileage may vary. 🙂

Here is a guided meditation that I find to be pretty awesome:

With warmth,
Matt