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- This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by
Anonymous.
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October 1, 2016 at 7:58 am #116863
Inky
ParticipantHi Cheryl,
Unless you’re married, I think it’s always a bad idea to intertwine finances or make money an issue. (Disclaimer: I haven’t read your last post, just going on what you’ve written above).
So yeah, it would stink to have someone publically put their bike over, well, YOU.
But if money were off the table in the relationship, you don’t leave yourself open to this type of energy.
I say write him off.
Hiding him from social media would be a great first step.
Another step would be to go on trips of your own. Or do something you never did while you were with him that is new and different.
Instagram away! 🙂
Blessings,
Inky
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This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by
Inky.
October 1, 2016 at 9:07 am #116870Cheryl
ParticipantHi
Yes we were married , we were together 5 yrs
Married 2 , I have blocked him now
So I can’t be tempted to look
I do need to write him off , he’s made no attempt to get back with me
He has always come first , he has lost many
Partners because of it
Just really feel lonely and unlovedOctober 1, 2016 at 9:13 am #116872Anonymous
GuestDear Cheryl:
You wrote: “My anxiety is really high and I have really bad bouts of depression” and you asked for any tips on how to get through this.
First: minimize contact with him, have no physical intimacy with him whatsoever.
Second: focus all your energy on doing the practical things that need to be done, parenting responsibilities and selling the house. Focus on just the thing that needs to be done next and do it. Congratulate yourself for it. Then look ahead and do just the next thing-to-do and so forth.
Third: you were anxious when in relationship with the guy, so it is the same anxiety. There is work to be done on that, from gaining insight into its origin to learning and practicing skills to regulate your emotions and endure them while functioning well anyway (psychotherapy with a competent therapist will help with these two things).
anita
October 1, 2016 at 9:31 am #116876Anonymous
InactiveCheryl,
You mentioned before that he was having a mid life crisis. Indeed taking back his resources he previously invested in supporting your marriage and going back to play with toys is childish. Also the fact about your finances. Didn’t he know your financial situation when you got together? Mid life crisis itself is a burst of long suppressed unresolved childish issues, not acknowledging their role as adult, responsibilities as a man to support his woman, and travel back in time.
You sound disappointed and you are right. The adult man he was supposed to be is acting like a child. Physical intimacy is just his way to conveniently take from you what he is missing out from the separation. But you also miss having someone beside you and his support. So it’s quid pro quo.
I hope that differentiating between how he is supposed to behave as an adult and man, and how he is actually behaving like a teenager, would help you go through feeling unworthy or “awlful” person. “being too critical” – this statement also sounds like a child complaining they have to do their homework. We women are allowed to be emotional and complain, men are not, men are supposed to be our support.
October 1, 2016 at 10:14 am #116882Cheryl
ParticipantI think the replies are bang on, yes he did know my financial situation when we married , it became an issue when he couldn’t buy bikes or go on skiing holidays , all these were trips he planned on his own btw
And yes I agree, he text me the other day saying I am enjoying it being on my own but I do really miss you ?
He wants cake and eat it
He’s had therapy regarding childhood issues so this is a big thing for him , he is prob suffering in some way too I would imagine
The anxiety is something I’ve had all my life , off and on but worse when stressed . I have discovered Claire weekes who has helped a lot , it’s just breaking out the adrenaline cycle which is so hard – this is a separate issue which is taking my priority
I really really love that advice Anita about doing one thing st a time , I’m on the floor today mentally , but I’ve just been food shopping . I will congratulate myself for doing these things instead of constant,y thinking I’m a mess and useless
I have sorted house, mortgage, new house , look after a cat, 2 rescue dogs ( one whose Ill) I have a job , teenage son at home and still manage to put makeup on most days lolOctober 1, 2016 at 11:06 am #116884Anonymous
InactiveDo I understand correctly? You know perfectly well, and have known for years, that he is a man-child, repulsed by that, yet not doing anything about it; you were “pushed” (?) into this marriage from your first husband, allow him to do whatever pleases him, at your expense, and yet you still feel empathy for him…
Wow, this for sure was of use for me if not for you… -
This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by
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