I am so afraid of writing this but I cant share it fully with anyone really and where shall i start.

last June I felt a change in me and I felt i was in a rut, in a relationship i shouldnt be in and was mentally unwell and spiritually void.  But I put it all down to my bipolar and thought it would shift as I was having a extended period of depression and dark thoughts.  then in December my partner of 3 years asked if i wanted to be in a relationship and without hesitation I said no.  That in itself is not me as I normally am a people please but i have to speak my truth.  This has meant for over 4 weeks my ex has tried to persuade me quite forcefully of the error of my ways and i stuck to my guns, she then turned nasty and then sorry, then nasty and then really nasty but today I think she sees there is no future for us. I am feeling in a lot of pain i have hurt someone so badly and know I have to accept responsibility for my actions.

Part of this process for me has been a dawning realisation that i have never been in love and do not know how to love.  I love my two kids and family with all that I am but I have never love someone and this is where my story  gets so painful.

So kinda running parallel to all the above a person who i have had feeling for for over 4 years indicated she had feelings for me.  We were close friends and knew each other extremely well as we had spent a lot of times as friends sharing our lives and mental health troubles. This was totally unexpected and the week before Christmas it came to the surface and we spent the most amazing three nights together and i could have burst with joy.  All the feelings I had held within erupted to the surface and I never felt anything like and she said felt the same and said loved me.  The next day I woke next to her and just couldnt believe she was there and we spoke about seeing each other later.

Sadly that was the end of our brief encounter as that day i understand she felt she couldn’t cope and tried to overdose, the next day she said it was not her fault how I felt and she was not responsible for how i feel.  Shortly after she said that my posts on social media (none mentioning her) were making her suicidal and that she needed to cut all contact with me.  We are both bipolar and I knew she was unwell but when we were together I made sure all through that she was ok and comfortable with us being together and she was .  I know when I last saw her she was very unwell and in my heart I want her to be safe and well.  I am angry that I found her my true love and she has been ripped away and i dont know what to do.   I really am lost heartbroken I have never ever experienced all these emotions and plus I am in the middle of a bipolar episode.

So I have instructions from family and psychiatrist to keep my life simple, avoid contact with Ex and the lady I love.

I am in intense pain I have never felt such strong emotions and i cant contain them which has taken me a dark and painful place.

I know to my core that she is the woman I truly love with every ounce of my body and I am try to let her go but I cant.  I want to feel love but I know for now she doesnt want me in her life.

I have missed so much out but I have never messaged like this and frankly need to stop typing cause I crying so much