January 12, 2018 at 1:31 pm #186395
I am so afraid of writing this but I cant share it fully with anyone really and where shall i start.
last June I felt a change in me and I felt i was in a rut, in a relationship i shouldnt be in and was mentally unwell and spiritually void. But I put it all down to my bipolar and thought it would shift as I was having a extended period of depression and dark thoughts. then in December my partner of 3 years asked if i wanted to be in a relationship and without hesitation I said no. That in itself is not me as I normally am a people please but i have to speak my truth. This has meant for over 4 weeks my ex has tried to persuade me quite forcefully of the error of my ways and i stuck to my guns, she then turned nasty and then sorry, then nasty and then really nasty but today I think she sees there is no future for us. I am feeling in a lot of pain i have hurt someone so badly and know I have to accept responsibility for my actions.
Part of this process for me has been a dawning realisation that i have never been in love and do not know how to love. I love my two kids and family with all that I am but I have never love someone and this is where my story gets so painful.
So kinda running parallel to all the above a person who i have had feeling for for over 4 years indicated she had feelings for me. We were close friends and knew each other extremely well as we had spent a lot of times as friends sharing our lives and mental health troubles. This was totally unexpected and the week before Christmas it came to the surface and we spent the most amazing three nights together and i could have burst with joy. All the feelings I had held within erupted to the surface and I never felt anything like and she said felt the same and said loved me. The next day I woke next to her and just couldnt believe she was there and we spoke about seeing each other later.
Sadly that was the end of our brief encounter as that day i understand she felt she couldn't cope and tried to overdose, the next day she said it was not her fault how I felt and she was not responsible for how i feel. Shortly after she said that my posts on social media (none mentioning her) were making her suicidal and that she needed to cut all contact with me. We are both bipolar and I knew she was unwell but when we were together I made sure all through that she was ok and comfortable with us being together and she was . I know when I last saw her she was very unwell and in my heart I want her to be safe and well. I am angry that I found her my true love and she has been ripped away and i dont know what to do. I really am lost heartbroken I have never ever experienced all these emotions and plus I am in the middle of a bipolar episode.
So I have instructions from family and psychiatrist to keep my life simple, avoid contact with Ex and the lady I love.
I am in intense pain I have never felt such strong emotions and i cant contain them which has taken me a dark and painful place.
I know to my core that she is the woman I truly love with every ounce of my body and I am try to let her go but I cant. I want to feel love but I know for now she doesnt want me in her life.
I have missed so much out but I have never messaged like this and frankly need to stop typing cause I crying so muchJanuary 13, 2018 at 6:49 am #186461
Your ecstatic emotions and the other girl's suicidal lows are both part of bipolar disorder. Not to say you can't love deeply with bipolar, but the emotions tend to be extreme. It also sounds like your new love can't handle the massive emotions either.
It's best if you both stay away from each other for now as it looks like you are feeding off each other.
My second thought is I don't like how these two women are trying to manipulate you.
First of all, your ex shouldn't continue to ARGUE that the breakup isn't valid. Your “NO” is enough. You are broken up, whether she wants it or not.
Secondly, your non posting of the new love on social media shouldn't put her in downward suicidal spiral.
Take a break from these two.
InkyJanuary 13, 2018 at 7:58 am #186471
The strong emotions that you feel, those are not dangerous in themselves. It is amazing the intense emotional pain people experience and survive. Emotions feel so strong, so powerful, as if they can harm us… but they don't.
It is how we react to our emotions that can help or harm us (and others).
If I truly understand that what I feel is not dangerous for me to feel, then I am not motivated to react quickly, any which way, so to make the emotion go away. I am not motivated to react automatically, impulsively, habitually and I am able to choose my reaction.
I hope you post again, if it helps you, for as long as it does.
anitaJanuary 13, 2018 at 9:28 am #186475
Hi Inky and Anita
Thanks for messaging back I was worried no one would.
The feelings and emotions are having a direct effect on my bipolar and thyroid which has taken me to a very dark place and no longer wanting to be here. I lived with suicidal thoughts daily but this time I have taken actions and failed.
I just have never experienced emotions like this and its scary. I suppose at a base level the woman I love just doesn't feel the same and its hurts like hell. She encouraged me to reveal my true feelings and when I did I said I have never exposed my heart and soul to anyone like this. I asked her so many times to take it slowly but her bipolar was in mania and i cant see, call or text her as she is very poorly.
I feel pulled because I want to honour her request for no contact but I also wanna send her flowers and just say you know what I want you to know that I love you with all my heart.
Someone said to me recently that if I take one thing away from this situation it is that I can love and have experienced love – even if its painful today, next week or even next year.
I know with my bipolar I feel and experience emotions quite intensely and i am scared at the moment of breaking down, going manic again but these are just fears
I have been looking at meditation and yoga today but dont really know when to start.
I know I need to start loving Allen again as I have gone of the rails a bit.
46 years to find that special lady and to then only have 3 amazing days just doesnt seem fair
AllenJanuary 13, 2018 at 9:47 am #186481
You are welcome.
You experienced loving feelings with this woman, feelings you never experienced before. It is a good thing, isn't it, now you know you can. Next, you can experience enduring these feelings without reacting to them impulsively. Without contacting her for one, without sending her flowers and the like.
There are plenty of meditations available on line, I understand. You can take a brisk walk, maybe that will help, or a hot shower, it may help, different things at different times, to relax, to calm down these emotions.
The title of your thread included the words “Spiritual journey”- a journey from not feeling much love, to feeling much love, to enduring these feelings, to confidence in your ability to feel and endure, to…. a future loving relationship.
* Will soon be away from the computer for about 18 hours or so. Take good care of yourself.
anitaJanuary 13, 2018 at 10:04 am #186483
It certainly was and is a good feeling and I am trying not to act on impulse.
I will find ways to calm my mind and emotions as they are quite overwhelming at present.
I have been seeking direction and guidance for some time and think I am just at the start of my spiritual journey and i really appreciate your words and suggestion
Allen xJanuary 14, 2018 at 8:57 am #186581
You are welcome. It is possible to calm the brain. Different ways to do it and at any one time you can choose one way. If that way works, good. If not, try a different way. These different ways are like tools in your toolbox. You use different ones at different times. Post again anytime you would like.