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Relationship with dad following bereavement of my mother

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  • June 3, 2017 at 7:21 am #151720
    Fezza
    Participant

    Hi,

    So this is my first post, I’m looking for some guidance on helping me deal with alot of negative emotions I have since my mum passed away 6 years ago. My dad swiftly moved into a relationship with a family friend a month after my mother’s death, my mother and him had been married for 30 years with no complications in their marriage.  The lady my dad has moved onto hasn’t got a good heart, integrity and isn’t compassionate. From the beginning she tried to take my dad away from me, and she succeeded to some extent as now I see my dad twice a week and I’m not welcome at their home. The reason behind this is I forgot to bring a wedding card to her daughters wedding, and my dad’s partner sent me a hate filled message saying I wasn’t welcome in their home. My dad is very much piggy in the middle and can’t confront her. He regularly goes on holiday with her and her family, and we’re not welcome. Family events, we’re not welcome. I saw her daughter today and she appeared very smug and I can’t shake off this anger that I lost everything when my mum died, and she gained everything, she has my dad and this perfect family and I have nothing. I’m struggle to rise about it and move on. They’re controlling my emotions and changing who I am. I want it to change, I want me to change but I don’t know how.

     

    Thank you for reading,

    Helen

    June 3, 2017 at 4:57 pm #151780
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh Fezza, my heart goes out to you!!

    You can be mad at the woman all you want, but ultimately the fault begins and ends with your father. HE is your father. YOU are his daughter. If his name is on the mortgage (and especially not hers) he can tell her SHE doesn’t need to be there when HIS daughter visits! But that’s not the real issue. The REAL issue is your father has to take ownership in his relationship to you.

    The forgotten wedding card is an excuse for her to be hateful to you. Believe me, she could have used any excuse!

    Are they married? If not, maybe the woman was jealous of his original, true family. You don’t know the backstory. Maybe she was patiently waiting in the wings for him for years and he wouldn’t leave your mother, or give her the time of day who knows. You are his true family, and she can NEVER take that away from you. Nor can the smug daughter. And they know it!

    Reach out to your dad and take him out alone once in a while. Meet him at work. If he has haunts or hobbies, run into him there. And talk. Really talk. But do NOT put the woman down while speaking your truth. Remember, it’s really about HIM, not her after all.

    If he ends up marrying the creature you will have to be cordial I’m afraid, to them. But that’s another post.

    I know exactly what you’re going through!

    Inky

    June 4, 2017 at 6:27 am #151818
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fezza:

    Maybe a better understanding can help…?

    If it may, I ask: your father being a “piggy in the middle”- was he passive in his relationship with your mother as well; was she the one throwing the ball, making the decisions?

    anita

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