- This topic has 25 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
April 25, 2016 at 2:10 am #102672
I’ve been wondering about resentment vs. self-care for a while. I have been hurt by people in the past and I don’t actively think about these people. I know they did this out of their consciousness level. The thing is, I don’t want to have an active relationship with them either because I know what they are like – manipulative, one-sided friendship, apathy etc. Is that resentment or self-care?April 25, 2016 at 6:44 am #102675InkyParticipant
At first, why can’t it be both? I mean self-care you should do whether you feel resentment or not. You know? But I bet once you “drop the rope” on the friendships and/or say “No” to these people, the resentment will fade away. Claiming your power has a way of doing that! We usually feel resentment when we’re “done to” and feel powerless.
InkyApril 25, 2016 at 7:58 am #102680
I don’t feel powerless. In some cases, it has been more than a decade. If I meet these people again, I will be civil, but would not want an intimate relation with them.April 25, 2016 at 8:12 am #102683AnonymousGuest
I agree with Inky: it is both, resentment and self care.
Resentment is one of the words for anger. The message underneath anger is: I am in danger/ someone is hurting me or about to hurt me (more), I am getting ready to fight the danger/ the person. The purpose of anger is to take care of oneself. It is the case in humans and in other animals. It is a natural feeling and a good feeling, it serves us if we listen to its valid message.
And please do not have an intimate relation with anyone who is hurting you! No matter who they are.
Are you okay with being resentful or angry at those people? Have you been angry with them for many years, in some cases more than a decade? Would you like to share more about it? I would like to know more and to reply further.
anitaApril 25, 2016 at 10:21 am #102694
The one person who comes most to my mind is this friend from my school. We were good friends and almost inseparable. Suddenly, her attitude changed. When I used to call her, she would say she is busy. Once we were working on a group project, when she had to go to her sister’s birthday. That night she called me to talk about the project and asked me to take down notes which I should type out and email to another team member. It was late at night and I was about to go to bed. I asked her to directly call the other team member and give him the notes. It seemed more efficient that way. She said there was already a lot on this other team member’s plate and others had to contribute as well. I said I did sent material, but didn’t get feedback from the rest of the group. She said all my contribution was useless. I felt bad and told her that it wasn’t useless and she could directly talk to the other team member. After that, she didn’t talk to me at all. I telephoned her and she pinned it down to this incident. She said things would be back to normal now, but they weren’t. Then I realized, her behaviour had been different since before this incident as well. A lot of times after that, I saw her give me angry stares. Over the summer, we met to celebrate a classmate’s birthday and she gave me a very angry stare and didn’t even greet me. I felt bad and thought something was wrong with me and it was my fault. At the end of the summer, she started talking again, but I didn’t want to talk to her as I felt she didn’t treat me right. We met at school events after graduated, but never had that intimate relationship that we once had. We were Facebook friends, but then last year she had liked one of my pics, and I felt annoyed that she could see my private moments, so I unfriended her. No one else acknowledged that I was hurt and that my feelings were valid. I spoke to a mutual classmate last year and expressed my displeasure at her behaviour when we were in school. I think this came up because he was talking about her.
Other incidents have been when I felt hurt because my friends didn’t share important information with me – like moving back to my city etc. when I shared a lot of my private stuff. I felt I was looking out for this particular one and I had helped her a little with her job search. Next thing I knew, I found out from someone else who found out from someone else about her major career move. I had shared my hurt with another friend and he inadvertently let it slip out to her. She wrote me an angry email and we had an argument. She called me judgemental, and that my priorities were wrong in life which lead to my depression. I also told her that she was very insecure. I have reached out to her and we might meet this week, but it will be very awkward. I thought we were good friends, but this was one-sided.
There are other similar examples.April 25, 2016 at 12:42 pm #102711AnonymousInactive
I’m kind of in a similar boat right now, my friend decided to report my behavior (psychological not illegal) to guidance and then I got in trouble. We talked afterward; I wasn’t angry with her then, but now, she refuses to talk, avoids every place I am, she might be taking away my friends (we r from the same group) and I’m struggling to accept that she is gone. All the intimate moments we had, we will never have again. Was it one sided? I hope not, but a lot of evidence suggests otherwise. And, unfortunately, I don’t think my resentment for her is bad. It might be a form of self-care because every time I think of my anger with her, I feel a little better. It isn’t my fault she decided to stop being my friend; It wasn’t me who forced her to take my friends and to avoid wherever I am. At the same time, i hope my resentment won’t go too far, because it was her abandoning me that forced me to stand on my two feet and accept my issues. It also gives me the chance to find better friends, ones who won’t make snarky comments of no longer being my friend, one who won’t avoid me and put on a face in front of mutual friends. Also, thank you for giving me the opportunity to come out with this story. I’m not a good writer, so I haven’t completely processed this well within my head.April 25, 2016 at 12:57 pm #102717AnonymousGuest
I re-read your other three threads starting five months ago.
This is my understanding of your situation at this point: Your childhood was bad: you were not supported by your parents. They very often discouraged you and focused on negatives. They were socially inept themselves and discouraged you from going out. You exited your childhood years very lonely, almost invisible, unseen, unattended to. You did earn three university degrees, went out on a few dates only and have been focusing on getting that emotional support you so desperately need from friends.
A few of your friends may have been insensitive and selfish but others were decent enough. You shared a lot about your anxiety and depression and you were too sensitive to what they said in return, hanging on to particular words they used or tone of voice as indication that they too, like your parents, did not see you. That made you angry at them and you expressed that anger at them. So you became unpleasant to be around: anxious, depressed and angry, as well as rejecting of their efforts to support and comfort you.
Your pain from being unseen, invisible, neglected, rejected as a child is understandably intense and this very pain makes it very difficult to receive anything but perfect responses from others. Anything short of perfect is not good enough.
I think, like I wrote to you before, that you should no longer live with your parents. I think that living with them makes it so that you continuously re-experience the same rejection, invisibility that you experienced as a child. Unless you can HEAL while living with them, you should move out. And I think you should limit your expectations of being supported by friends and understand, if you can, that they are limited people, not competent psychotherapists. Like that friend who tried to help you with shopping for pants, she was trying to help. But you were upset because she didn’t SEE you, didn’t see that you require a different size accommodation of pants.
Competent psychotherapy where you will heal through a supporting relationship with the therapist, moving out of your parents’ home and having minimal if any contact with them, lower expectations from friends, these are some of my thoughts.
anitaApril 25, 2016 at 8:29 pm #102754
I don’t have high expectations of my friends anymore. I just want to be able to relate to them and have a good time. It’s always been hard for me to make friends since I was little. I don’t have much to talk about with people and there are lots of things not going right for me that it’s hard to not come out even if I try. If I say, I’m not happy with my job situation, so I’m not able to focus on a couple of other things right now, they start giving unsolicited advice and I keep saying that won’t work because of so and so reason. At the end of the conversation it all comes out. I didn’t mean to give them specifics. The friend who was trying to help with the shopping for pants, is someone I can’t relate to on many other topics as well. I do want to limit my interaction with her because of that. I don’t come out of our interactions feeling joyful. I know I am always anxious, it’s always lurking below the surface. I wouldn’t even know how to find a competent therapist. I’ve tried therapy twice and it helped only 5%.
But, the situations I’m talking about happened more than a decade ago and I’m wondering if by remembering how I was hurt, I’m being resentful.April 25, 2016 at 8:43 pm #102756AnonymousGuest
As to your last two lines: it makes sense that when you remember how you were hurt, you also feel resentful, or angry. It is natural to feel angry when feeling hurt, anger often follows feeling hurt.
I hope you do find one friend with whom you can relate and have a good time.
One thing you repeated again and again in your other posts was that your parents did not/ do not support you, and I am very sorry that this is the case. It must have been very lonely to grow up without support, without close connection with a parent, or friends. I know such a childhood from my own experience. My loneliness was intense and my depression so deep.
I am sure it is difficult to find competent therapy. I had difficulty as well and find my first competent, caring therapist when I was 50 years old, five years ago. I hope you can find such at a younger age than I did.
How is it for you living with your parents? I understand it is culturally acceptable where you live, but how does it feel for you? Do you think it keeps you stuck in anxiety and depression, the fact you still live with them, 33 years and going?
anitaApril 30, 2016 at 9:21 pm #103220
As a child I wasn’t depressed. I don’t know if my parents had a role to play in this. I didn’t think it was different, because I didn’t know what it was like in other homes. I didn’t have a lot of friends and that probably made me sad, but I was close to my older brother.
I don’t prefer living with my parents, but that is not really what keeps me stuck in anxiety and depression. I haven’t had a career really. I’ve had a hard time looking for jobs, getting stable jobs or jobs that I liked at all. I’ve had jobs but not a career. In my personal life also, I haven’t had any relationships and I’ve been going on just first dates that didn’t convert into anything. I try hard and for a while it seems like things are moving forward but then I go back to where I started. It’s like I’m on these 2 year loops. It’s these things that keep me stuck.
Now, I’m trying to find another job but haven’t been able to find something I will like somewhat. I had a side effect to a medication last year and my health took a turn leaving me so fatigued that I haven’t been able to actively look for a job. There is also this high level of apathy and lack of confidence. I don’t even know what I want to do anymore. My health/situation has left me feeling sad, angry and irritated at the same time. I have the option to move to another country within my company, but I really dislike my work content and I feel I am not being compensated as per my experience and qualifications. I’m in two minds whether to accept it. I was very miserable when I was in that situation 2 years ago.
I really need a holiday but I’ll have to go with my parents because I don’t have friends who would go. It’s not safe for girls to travel in my country alone. The new friends I made are getting on my nerves and I can’t stand them anymore.
It just seems like no matter where I turn, I will have to keep putting up with things that I don’t want. This is what made my health bad – being stuck in life and not speaking my truth.May 1, 2016 at 7:44 am #103239AnonymousGuest
You mentioned your health problems before. Can you elaborate? You are now 33, what health issues have you been suffering from and since when?
It is a difficult situation, to be stuck like you are. I sure would like you to get un- stuck, and I wonder how it can be done. I thought that not living with your parents can help you in this regard, but you wrote that it is not a problem for you. I understand you never lived away from them though, and not having a comparison as to how it is to live away from them, I wonder: how could you know it is not the problem.
It being a problem or not, I would like to examine ways for you to get un- stuck.
Your last sentence above is: This is what made my health bad- …not speaking my truth.”
Can you speak more of your truth in your next post?
anitaMay 1, 2016 at 10:23 am #103253
I have had seasonal asthma since I was 10. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in 2014. It’s because of an autoimmune disease. I gained weight because of that. Then last year when my asthma season was on, I had a side effect to my inhaler. I didn’t know it at the time, but I do now. It led to a lot of fatigue, brain fog, lack of concentration, anxiety, depression, irritability. I feel I am 50% as productive as I used to be. I also gained weight which resulted in half of my wardrobe not fitting me anymore. I also have an iron deficiency, Vit D deficiency. I sleep for 7- 8 hours but never wake up feeling rested. This has been the case for the last 11 years. These things are just getting worse.
I have lived away from my parents and I do prefer it. But, I need a new job or to get married to move out. Neither of those are happening and those seem to be more of a problem. As for my part, I don’t really help around at home. We have a part-time domestic helper, but I don’t take care of any other tasks. My parents are the ones who spend money as well, they won’t take it from me because I am their baby and it’s all my money anyways.
When I say speaking my truth, I mean taking decisions that I want to do rather than what seems like the right thing to do. In my country, we need to pick our future career at the age of 15. My school had rules based on grades and I ended up getting something that I didn’t know much about. I wasn’t very certain what I wanted to do. I wanted to do research but my family said it wasn’t a worthwhile career. Then after high school, I again picked something that I thought was the next logical step. Same goes for my graduate school. I tried to switch to something else but I wasn’t able to get into the top schools. I only wanted to go to the top schools and did not apply anywhere else. When I started working, I didn’t enjoy the work or the work timings, so I quit without another job in hand. It took me 6 months to get another one that I thought I would like. But, it wasn’t the right place for me. That company shut down and I tried to find another job. I found one but turned it down the day before I was supposed to join because I was verbally offered something else. That offer also was taken away and I joined one of their other divisions, at a much lower level than where I should be and on a contract basis. It was the only job I had in hand, so I took it up. It was a good place to be, but I felt strange because I was much older than my peers and seemed behind them. I decided to go back to school and majored in something that turned out to be an incorrect decision. I had too much work experience for the kind of jobs in the market or they needed a PhD. I applied for jobs but got the only job that I didn’t want. I could make out in the interviews that the work environment wasn’t conducive and it did turn out to be toxic. I was also not very interested in the work content. I am still in the same job and unable to switch to another one. My health hasn’t permitted me to look very actively for one. It also broke my heart to not be able to find something that I wanted.May 1, 2016 at 9:00 pm #103324AnonymousGuest
I read your last post in which you answered my question about your health and where you shared more about your schooling and employment progression. I sense hopelessness and despair that have settled in you long ago, that physical fatigue, the ongoing frustration with the health problems and gaining weight. And loneliness that has been going on so long.
I wonder if you taking drugs for your hypothyroidism, if you take iron and vit D supplements, pills for the asthma (In the US, I understand, a whole lot of progress was made in treating asthma, beyond using inhalers).
I suffered from fatigue, brain fog, difficulty concentrating my whole life, with short breaks from these things. In my case it was anxiety, depression, what I call “emotional knots” that drained my energy.
It has been in the last few months only that I have more energy than before. Many of those emotional knots have loosened up, the energy drainage reduced a lot.
What are you going to do???
anitaMay 2, 2016 at 10:17 am #103382
Yes, I do feel hopeless and despair over my situations. I’m tired of working hard and not seeing results. I am taking medicines for my iron, Vit-D and hypothyroidism. My asthma is seasonal but I’m doing whatever I can.
I have the chance to move out of my country within my organization, but I am not keen on the work content or the position that is being offered to me. It will offer me cleaner air, but again, it will seem like not speaking my truth. I will try and negotiate with my company, but if they don’t give me what I think is fair to me, I will just stay where I am and quit my job. It’s not like the move will be permanent and I’ll be sucked into something that I don’t like again. I felt a sense of relief when I made this decision, but now also feel a tinge of fear that I will make the wrong decision. I may never get another chance to raise my standard of living. I guess it’s a risk either way and being undervalued will also make me feel bad about myself.May 2, 2016 at 10:21 am #103384
What I feel sad about is that people do not acknowledge my emotional pain. I have friends who say but you are better off than so many. You don’t have to take care of so many things. It’s like I am not allowed to feel unhappy and lonely because I am better off than others. Am I not allowed to have negative feelings? Agreed, that in the recent past, the negative feelings have outweighed the positive ones, but things haven’t really gone my way and I feel anxious. I am unable to control my anxiety. It is hurtful and I have decided to cut down on interacting with these people.