Dear Kareem:

To make our communication more effective I would like you to read the following list of 10 items, one item at a time. As you read the item #1, please make a note or notes about it on paper or type into Word, write what you think and feel, agree or disagree about that one item. When you are done with the first item, go to item #2  and do the same thing. If you need to, take a break between items and return to them when you feel rested.

When you are done with all items, post your notes for me, numbered. No reason to hurry with this because soon after submitting to you this very post, I will be away from the computer until the day after, about  22 hours from now. If you need a few days to respond, please do take your time.

The list of items:

#1- it is very clear to me that you love your parents very much. You are a very loving son to your parents. I have no doubt about that. You always loved them and always will. And you have a strong sense of loyalty to your parents/ family.

#2- you believe that anger is a bad emotion, and when you felt anger at your parents, even if that anger wasn’t expressed, you believed that you were a bad son for feeling it. When your face showed a bit of anger or your voice went up just a bit, as happens naturally when feeling anger, you felt you were a bad son and a bad person for it.

You believe that there is something wrong with you as a son and as a person for ever having felt anger at any of your parents. In your mind, any bit of anger at your parents is a sin, an indication that you are being a bad son, a flawed individual, that there is something wrong/ shameful about you.

#3- you don’t trust your emotions as guides to choices to be made (in addition to rational thinking being a guide). You perceive some of your emotions as a problem, not a guide.

Therefore you are afraid of the very experience of some of your emotions, seeing them as the enemy, not as the friends or guides that they can be, for a healthy individual.

You felt some sort of love for the friend to whom you sent the box, but you distrust even that feeling of love, perceiving it led you to being disloyal to family and it also led you to that comment by the friend.

#4- Your obsession regarding the box (and lesser obsessions regarding other past choices you made), is fueled at this point by habit- these well-traveled pathways of the obsession repeat whenever distressed or tired. The emotion that keeps these pathways so active and persistent is shame and guilt regarding your anger in the past, and your distrust of your emotions.

#5- You have trouble placing together your role as a son/ family member and being that born-to-be-free human that you are. As a born-to-be-free human, it is okay for you to feel love for that friend and send him a gift. As a son/ family member it was wrong to send a gift to a friend if they disapproved of it.

As a born-to-be-free human it was okay for you to get involved in a non-academic pursuit in high school (to an extent, in moderation). As a son, it was the wrong thing because all your efforts should have been supposedly dedicated to perfect grades.

#6- The obsession about the box befits you in that when obsessed about it, you don’t think about your current choices, what needs to be done now. Your future regarding medical school is scary, will it happen or not.. and other future happenings, you don’t worry about those other things for as long as you worry about that box.

#7- No matter how many t shirts you have given your parents since the box incident and no matter how much money you will ever give them, when able, you will still feel guilty about that box. It is better that you don’t entertain the belief that you will be able one day to give enough to them so to no longer be troubled about the box. Giving them more wasn’t the solution so far and it will continue to be a no-solution.

#8- I don’t know how your parents did it, in what ways, but they clearly established in you and in your sister a belief of wrong doing and strong indebtedness to them, which is the reason why the two of you apologize to them a lot.

#9- Your mother suffers from anxiety and so does your sister, both taking medications for it. You suffer from anxiety as well. I don’t know in what ways your mother expressed her anxiety throughout your growing up years, as well as your sister’s. Her expressed anxiety is part of yours and your sister’s current anxiety. I wonder how she expressed her anxiety in the home.

I also wonder about your father’s role in the family, I wonder if your mother is the dominant party within the home and your father the passive one.

#10- Your expectation of perfect academic performance, a perfect 4.00 GPA and a devastation over a 3.95 GPA, as well as your expectation to never feel angry at your parents, and never be unkind to them or to anyone else, to always (100%) be kind and gracious to them and to all you meet, including to people rude to you,  fuels anxiety. In this mindset, mistakes and failures are not allowed. But realistically, it is impossible for any human to ever be free of making mistakes and failing at one thing or another.

The fact that your parents nagged you regarding your academic performance in school in spite of your perfect or almost perfect performance leads me to believe that they encouraged in you an expectation of perfection in all areas, an expectation that carries zero tolerance of mistakes and failure.

–This is the ending of my itemized list. What follows is a collection of quotes from your posts. You can read through them and comment if you want, but it is okay with me if you don’t. I used these quotes in making the itemized list above and intend to use them if needed in future communication with you.

Quotes: “I had asked my mom to mail the box.. she said.. perhaps we could get some use out of it.. This made me a bit angry… I was such an awful child or such a brat… I am very upset with myself for not having been nicer to my parents in my teen years… they largely encouraged academics.. (I)was annoyed that they wanted me to focus on school so much… I didn’t say thank you enough, I was very bratty.. despite them doing so much for me… apologies for being difficult… I felt that I was awful to my parents… They nagged me.. about my school work… I was definitely an irritable teen”

“The first time that I felt genuine shame in my life.. I ended up getting a B- in a class. This brought my GPA to a 3.95… the box symbolizes my perceived failures and mistakes from those few years”.

“My sister and I have a habit of saying sorry over and over again (I almost teared up typing this)”

“Perhaps I acted out of emotion in the moment….I also feel that I may have acted under emotion, another regret of mine… I am angry with myself for letting my emotions get the best of me at that time… my regret is that I let my emotions get the best of me… I am disappointed with the choices I made, which I realize were driven by emotion”.

“my mom and sister have had to increase their anxiety/ depression meds”

“I just started a new job that I love so far… I am currently applying to medical school, have no idea where that is going to go”

“my brain is hyper focused on specific aspects of this incident that bother me… it takes up all my attention, hindering my abilities at home and work… I am often hyper focused on wondering why I made the choices I did.. At this precise moment.. my anxiety is very much under control. But I can feel part of me wanting t go back into the exact cycle of thoughts… I often have such mood swings (just over an hour ago, I was feeling very severe anxiety)… It is about four hours since my last post. As I had predicted, the same anxiety (the mental and physical sensations) has returned”.

anita

Dear Kareem:

You are welcome. I have new thoughts this morning about how this exercise should be done. If this (my list of ten things above) was an academic exercise, or project then it would be done one way: you will write about the first item first, write notes perhaps, elaborate on them, figure out what you already wrote on the topic in the past and incorporate those writings, edit and re-edit and produce an essay of sort. Then go to the next item.

But this is not an academic project, or an academic learning exercise- it is an emotional learning exercise. Therefore better that you pick up any one of the item you feel like working on at any one time, and write about it whatever comes to your mind. Don’t try to remember what you already thought on the matter in the past/ what you already wrote about it. Instead think about it with what is called “a beginner’s mind”, that is, think about it anew, as if you never thought or wrote about it before. Don’t edit as you write (or after you wrote), thinking to yourself such things as: did what I write make sense, is it congruent with what I wrote before, will I be misunderstood if I post this sentence and so forth.

If you feel too stressed or rushed, anxious at any one time, do it at another time.. or go to an item that is less stressful to you. Maybe do something relaxing before you attempt this or that item, such as drinking hot tea or the like.

Choose any of the items and write what comes to mind, from that beginner’s mind and post to me.

*Emotional learning is very different from academic/ dry-intellectual learning. It is less neat, less orderly, you are not done with one item and then you go to the next. You work on one item, then on another, later go back to the first item and work on it some more, etc. You re-visit the same items multiple times.

anita

Dear Kareem:

I appreciate the update. I suggest that you pick up anything from my post before last, any item, any part of an item and type away whatever comes to mind, needs not be organized at all, better it is not organized, and then submit. No mistakes possible here, no grading. Type away and submit. I will then respond some. Later look at another item and type away, then submit.

anita