Dear Sapnap3,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. Death of a parent knocks the wind out of your sails, so to speak.

Getting over the tumult of emotions is quite hard because there are so many, and many times, thoughts rush in to soothe that emptiness you feel over his death. What works for everyone is quite different, so I will put in a couple of methods which I have helped people I know.

1] Watch your grief. What that actually means is – when you feel that emptiness over his death, when it hits you that he is no more, don’t do anything, don’t think anything – thoughts of guilt, of the future, of your loneliness. It is hard because filling up that emptiness is your mind’s natural response. Instead, watch what it does to your body. Feel the sensations in the pit of your stomach, the welling in your throat, feel the change in your breathing – and most importantly do nothing.
You will find that these sensations will pass in 5-10 minutes. When you face it a couple of times like this, it will lose that terrifying edge. This too, shall pass. You are going to be okay. Your body and mind are healing itself even right now.

2] You cannot control or forsee the turns life will take. I have personally known of a man who lived all his life surrounded by his children and grandchildren, and on a trip out somewhere, he passed away on the seat of a railway station, all alone.
Let the guilt go because you didn’t see this coming, there is no way you could have.

3] Don’t decide anything major, driven by the fear of loneliness. I am not suggesting either action – moving away or moving back. Whatever you decide, ask yourself – am I doing this because I am afraid of being lonely or feeling guilty? If the answer is a yes, then it is probably a bad idea.

Sending you loads of love and strength to pass through this very difficult time. You will come out of this stronger and clearer.

Wendy

Dear Sapnap3:

You are tempted to move in with your mother, back to the States, so to not be … an orphan, as you put it. You are tempted to leave behind the life you started to enjoy as a grown woman, so to be a child again, that is to have the feeling of safety that a young child has, sometimes, around the strong and capable Mother?

Ah.. the Fantasy, a very tempting fantasy. I see the attraction.

Only you are not a child anymore and you will never have that fantasy materialize. Your childhood is gone. Your father is gone. And your mother is not and can not be that figure she once was, one to give you the feeling of safety you desire.

Your hurt over your father dying, maybe with some pain, is understandable. Your hurt I wrote here, notice you are the one in pain presently, aren’t you? And this pain is taking you back to a child-mode thinking, regressing.

Can you endure this pain and go back to living your own life in Ireland? There is this line from a movie I watched many times: “We all have it coming.” Death is coming to all of us. Your turn will come, it is just a matter of time. We are all in the same boat in this regard.

Live the life you have left as if it was your life… is it not, your life?

anita

Dear Sapnap;

I think you are in danger, Sapnap3 and i am alarmed for you. You are thinking about making a choice that is against your own well being. You are about to make a change (move back to Chicago) so to be a “good daughter” instead of Being and Becoming YOU.

You wrote that you are “co dependent”- we can’t help as humans but be dependent on others to some extent. We are born social animals and we need others. We develop and become more and more of who we are through interactions with others.

Your responsibility, i believe, is to be the best and most person you can be and not to be a “good daughter”- don’t go backward trying to please a parent. Move forward.

This confusion, sadness you feel… there will be more and more of it if you stay where you are right now.

anita