May 23, 2014 at 12:48 pm #57094
Hi I’m Suze (pronounced Suz e) and I am a very unique talented human being. I live in a cute little flat with my lovely boyfriend. We have plans to get married soon and have at least a couple of kids; even though I am 39 I am sure I will have no fertility problems. We are looking for a house to buy. My career is progressing well and I am about to get an art a level so I can think about a more rewarding career even though my current career is pretty good and satisfying. I’m the kind of girl everyone wants to be friends with, I don’t even try I just think it is my sunny disposition and my beautiful face and figure, people say I look like a younger Kylie Minogue, it’s so good being me. Are you still reading? Do you think I am deluded about having kids so late in life? Do you think I am wearing rose coloured spectacles?
I’ve took the spectacles off and this is the real version of events. I am severely depressed, I am on anti-depressants, I have a caring boyfriend who I’m not sure I love, were not planning children until/if I get better plus I don’t know if I love him enough anyway. My flat is small and I can’t be bothered cleaning or gardening anymore. I don’t eat healthy. I’m seriously attempted to restart my old addictions (drinking & smoking) to escape the way I feel that there is no point to life. I’ve not been to work for nearly 7 weeks.
My depression stems from an mentally unstable alcoholic abusive mother who took away the happiness of my childhood. My happiness was my schooling and learning, it still is.
People & emotions just cause strive to me and I don’t want to know people on anything more than an acquaintance basis. Yes, it’s self preservation, yes it’s avoiding good things that friendship may bring.
Oh here’s the doc asking me to put the rose coloured spectacles on again, CBT will help you think the right way, upping your dosage of anti-d’s will help. He says ‘You don’t want to carry on feeling like this do you… it’s best just to fit in’. I say ‘Maybe I’ll just go to acting lessons’
These rose coloured spectacles make me focus on the right things, my family, my relationships with others, my career, looking after my flat, having nice holidays. This is why we are all selfish, it’s cultured into us. Only us and apes are aware of our consciousness, and what do the majority of humans do, just live in little selfish bubbles not giving a monkeys about bigger problems in the world, greed, animal cruelty, famine, GM foods, carbon footprint, sugar and it’s detrimental effect on human health, the increase in auto-immune diseases, the increase in depression, the resistance to anti-biotics, nuclear weapons, guns, civil war, territory war, mechanization of your job.
Don’t worry, we’ll adapt, we may all be sick and have not a lot to eat and the rich will be better off than the poor (as always), my selfish bubble is my only concern, the government will look after us. These rose coloured spectacles leave me with a headache, I don’t want to talk about what I ate for breakfast or the blown fuse on your toaster, I want a world where every human being has the same opportunities as every other human being. Please can we be conscious about thatMay 24, 2014 at 2:17 am #57214@Jasmine-3Participant
You ought to become a writer. You have a hidden talent screaming to come out 🙂
I know where you are coming from and I can assure you that as consciousness grows, you will understand that all we are seeing is our mind’s projection. Until, we are stuck in the duality state of human mind, there will always be misery.
You seem like a very evolved soul stuck in the wrong frame of mind. Have you considered trying meditation or seeking a spiritual teacher out to help you evolve further ? Just a thought.
Perhaps, trying out energy healing through an accredited practitioner may give you some of the relief that your soul seeks. You can still do CBT and take your meds with it.
Blessings and may the world around you become a little kinder and more rosy :). Let the grievances towards your mother go – you will feel so much lighter the moment you let it be.
JMay 24, 2014 at 5:01 am #57221
Thanks J; your words are encouraging and I hope when I am feeling stronger I can try meditation, there a midday session available at work on a Tuesday lunchtime, thanks for bringing this idea into focus.May 31, 2014 at 5:57 pm #57794BenzRabbitParticipant
There is nothing wrong with having kids late in life.
However, to be blunt, kids are a lot of work and you have other major issues including depression, addictions, and you not being sure if you love your bf.
Please consider this scenario for a minute: You are a couple years into the future and you have a baby. Unfortunately, you have developed Post Partum Depression and your husband/bf cannot handle the pressure and is leaving you. Would you have the resources to cope under such circumstances? If the answer is Yes, go ahead and have the baby. If not, please DON’T !
Sorry to play devil’s advocate but this is a real life scenario that occurs often and ends up devastating lives.
GOD Bless !June 4, 2014 at 10:25 am #58094
Thanks for your reply. Please note I don’t have any addictions. I am well and truly out of those vicious circles.
Imagine your whole life never feeling properly loved or wanted, imagine carry around that lack of self esteem and lack of self worth, imagine you never realised that you were carrying around all that negativity and just assumed everyone else felt the same sadness as you as it is compounded in the atrocities that we read about or see on the tv every single day.
Imagine then being in a good place with a man who has good self esteem who has been brought up in a loving environment. Imagine knowing that you cannot love him properly because you just don’t know how to as you don’t love yourself and you don’t even believe that love exists.
In my opinion only a very few people in this world love and care for others unconditionally. Parents don’t love unconditionally, they mould their children to fit their own opinionated desire and expect for all their instructions to be carried out, oh and they love and care so that the favours returned when they reach old age.
As said in my first post, I have no plans to start a family until/if I get better. Perhaps you have experienced post partum depression and it is something that has hurt you or someone around you. I’m sorry about that. I thank you for the time and effort you went to in replying, perhaps I’d understand your point of view more if I knew more about your experiences. Reading between the lines of your reply, you have said to me, you have problems, you could have a child and have depression and then your husband will leave you penniless but possibly you are at fault because you wanted the child. This made me feel like a) I’ll never be able to cope/be better b) my boyfriend/husband will never love me and support me properly c) be a martyr, don’t have a child cause you’ll just screw the childs life up. I know you didn’t mean it this way and I am being way too sensitive but isn’t that just the way communication is generally, you want to help me but we can only help ourselves (as we are the only ones who truly have any idea about our problems) and its too much effort and upset to break it down step by step and reach agreement & a positive outcome for all parties. Just checked out BBC, another war kicking off? Should we have positive problem solving communication lessons in school rather than history!
I’m back on the road to recovery, I am back at work, I have plenty of money and earn a decent wage all I want is to be better and learn to love, hopefully without the need to be ambivalent to the none-loving attitudes of the world we live in. Now, where’s those glasses
God bless you tooJune 4, 2014 at 11:22 am #58095BenzRabbitParticipant
You misunderstood my response.
1) You don’t have any addictions but the reason I brought it up was because you wrote: “I’m seriously attempted to restart my old addictions (drinking & smoking) to escape the way I feel that there is no point to life”.
As you know, resisting any addiction (including drinking) is a lifelong effort because the demons can get triggered by any stressful life event. So, I just wanted you to be aware that it could become an issue under stressful circumstances.
2) Same goes for depression – in most severe cases, it is a lifelong effort to keep the demon away. The reason I mentioned post-partum depression is because in people with a prior history of depression there is a high probability of developing depression after having a baby.
Finally, I did not say your bf was going to leave you penniless – when I said resources I meant resources for emotional support.
I hope things work out for you.
God bless and good luck !June 4, 2014 at 5:26 pm #58120@Jasmine-3Participant
Hey Suze, I think you may have misunderstood BenzRabbit’s words but thats ok. Sometimes, when life is not as rosy as it should be, we become prey to our mind, which only seeks out more pain through its own way of interpretating things. When we feel highly charged and positive, other people’s words do not bother us or incite an emotional response.
I have to agree again that you are a very evolved soul stuck in the wrong frame of mind. I mean, how many of us actually come to this realisation that very few people in this world are capable of unconditional love and care. I only learnt this valuable lesson recently but when I did, I was able to let go of all my resentments, anger, hurt etc. I finally realised that we are all imperfect humans but have a capacity to become perfect beings, which we have always been but the mind has made us otherwise.
I have found that the following offer unconditional love and we have a lot to learn from them: dog to his beloved master; Nature – everything in nature is unconditional, unbiased and non-judgemental; some very evolved souls in the form of human beings who have realised the truth; and finally the universal consciousness of which we are all part of.
Why dont we try to become one of that evolved souls and learn from the nature and dogs?