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Saving myself from pain or wasting time

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  • January 29, 2014 at 12:20 pm #49953
    Saurav
    Participant

    Hello, we had a 5 years’ relationship that I told quits a couple of months back. I may be wrong in many different ways but others have been saying what I was doing all these days. My ex, she was quite stubborn, our relationship was deep and families were happy with our decision. But there was this bit of hers being a bit stubborn and all of sudden not seeing any logic no matter how much you want her to. I will be true to myself and will not just try to portray all the faults but those things used to land her in trouble with people and every time she used to come back to me. I tried in all possible means with care with love by over looking sometimes by letting go by not talking about it even if I was resentful..but nothing worked. she remained the same. I always had believed that even a stone grows moss then even if she wasn’t understanding then she would finally at some point of time and despite of a lot of heartbreaks, I continued. Actually we continued, sometimes she used to care so much that she would forget the whole concept pf loving the other person and could not fathom what was actually the need of the moment.It was more like living with a kid but I stayed because I wanted to as I watched my future happy life around her expecting her to understand some day.Alas, that never happened, 5 years is a lot of time, i felt. If this continues then it would creep in even after marriage and had we been living together it would deprive both and our families in jeopardy. At this point I was even dying even to think of breakup, let alone talking about it to her, because She was my first love and I wanted with all my heart that this thing would work out. She had flaws, I had flaws and still have but already pictured a happy life with her in-spite of these things that were troubling me all the time. I even had to fight so much with myself about how to remove something from your life when you know you cannot stay without it. But I did and since that day till now I guess have not recovered. I am not the same person like I used to be before, the loneliness the pain have aggravated the situation for which I had to come out. She got admitted to the hospital in the meantime due to break up trauma; I tried to help her out by gifts and small gestures that would help her get well soon without her knowing with the help of her sister. She still doesn’t know that. Problem is despite all of these happening, I somehow am not ready to accept her back in my life because of the pain struggle and loneliness I have faced but I definitely do care about her a lot and that is hurting me a lot whenever I am alone and thinking. I am still living with the loneliness giving respect to the true love and care I used to have for her, at least up to now. And the fact that she is also still being single is also not helping me with any other way. I am really unable to move on. I have a hobby for photography, a very rewarding job, a couple of good friends – yes i have tried everything but not getting that much of interest so as to completely forget and move on.Now this crunch has made me thinking, am i doing anything wrong – should I try and save it back if I am not able to recover from the loss? But what about the past that will definitely come back and haunt me and frankly I am not able to withstand any of those….really out of my wits my feelings my grip these days…and after all these days when we are not even talking. I have been spending time how to cope up but may be I am so much not able to accept the failure of my keeping the relationship even after putting effort so genuinely with a pure heart and all the right mentality to compromise.

    Seriously, is there anything wrong with me…I have started doubting myself as why to feel the pain, sadness and loneliness for something is long lost and I have come a long way…still. anyone..? 🙁

    Thanks!!

    January 29, 2014 at 5:47 pm #49967
    Eli
    Participant

    Hi there, I have registered just now, “just” for you… ;-D… so reading the above my impression in brief is: 1/in your mind you are 200% over of the lady, 2/you are still feeling guilty for leaving her 3/your emotions are not following the decision of your mind as “fast” as you “need” it, as the logic of your brain would “dictate” (normal) 4/you wanted to experience calmness of your soul “immediately” but it is not happening (again) as fast as you “believed” it would/should take place 5/you are still attached (normal) and thus not fully concentrating on what is (a)waiting for you “in the future”. Suggestions: give yourself, your emotions more time to “accept” facts at all levels, let yourself feel happy for your freedom, embrace failure of relationship, praise your dedicated time “sacrificed” on its altar, let the lady recover on her own with HER friends from the situation, make a decision on the limits you might be “available” for help, or just simply move out of her life…

    January 29, 2014 at 10:59 pm #49989
    Saurav
    Participant

    First of all Thanks a lot that you took the trouble, Eli…..! 🙂

    Okay, so the problems are really simple..or silly…or have I put too much of time, effort, feelings for no reason..? Am I being “sooooo-un-necessarily” emotional? I thought this is what happens with most because the basics never change and who isn’t…(sigh).

    Here you aptly got the number 3 and 4! This makes me feel that I am not alone which I used to think that I can’t express myself and people wont understand so keeping to me was the only option. The way you explained, it really gave an uplift!
    You know, “on-ya-face” kinda..! 🙂

    But, yes, the sad part number 5 is still there. I think I will wait and watch.

    Best Wishes once again!!

    January 30, 2014 at 3:23 am #49993
    Eli
    Participant

    Saurav, you are welcome. (I checked the meaning of your name. this is a strong one, so please be “up to it”). Please forgive me my English as I am not a native English speaker and I just admire the way you are writing even though “in a rush”…

    So just some quick reactions: the problem is as big as you make it; you put as much time, effort and feelings in anything as much you feel it is necessary plus a bit more to be “sure” hehehe, or not to be “blamed” (yeah!)…. It is goooooood to be emotional.. the best!!! at least YOU can FEEL that you are ALIVE!!!!; numerology.. is good, but one shall not be “addicted”, trust the good part, and just “have in mind” what ever is not that much “in favour” of “whatever-the issue-shall-be “;you are NEVER alone, just look into the “right direction” or around, see I “found” you too, “the totally unknown” person, most probably from the other end of the world; sharing ourselves with others is good, just find some you trust a bit, you do not need to share all, with one this part of the story, with the other the other part etc. might serve well your spiritual welfare ; I am happy, very happy with the “uplift” result and laughed at the “on-ya-face” kinda expression.. So, good luck, do not “watch” to much drama on “reality TV”, instead meet the nature, and talk to the water.. seriously.. have to go, bye

    January 30, 2014 at 6:40 am #50002
    Saurav
    Participant

    Is this some kind of “healthy” reality check…cos I already feel different! Last night when I started I was down…sitting alone and trying to dive deep into my pains and today I am replying with family around (yeah gave them a visit, hehe), now laughing out at how “drama”tic I must have sounded….LOLs!!

    You too take care!!

    January 30, 2014 at 8:56 am #50011
    Eli
    Participant

    Good, now imagine my big smile on my face and that I am adding a tick to my “today’s good deed” list… hehe Cheers

    January 30, 2014 at 10:25 am #50020
    Saurav
    Participant

    Eli, as an ‘overnight grown-miles-apart-friend’ :), one small last thing I wanted to ask.

    Whenever something bad happens to me I see (or try to see) a pattern in it that repeats. Its like, I want something very exclusive and somehow God gifts me every time ONLY to spend some amount of time with it and take it back. My Dad was the best inspiration, and his teachings are still, in my life and most of the times he would understand and suggest me things ahead to get me out of any trouble…by the time I was able to make him happy completing studies, getting a job and give him a family every dad wants, I lost him due to cancer. I was also happy with HER as I proposed and got someone whom I liked and loved but all the time this fear was there that this would repeat and tried consciously to avoid. But it did.

    This makes me think, why it is like this or is it destined to happen to me? anything that I am doing wrong… :O You will be given what you want…you spend your quality time with it…..and then all of a sudden it will be taken away from you without even considering anything… Does this happen with other’s also…

    January 30, 2014 at 11:04 am #50026
    Eli
    Participant

    Saurav thank you for considering me a “new” good friend, as I had similar feelings towards you. Honesty always, ALWAYS, pays off. For your question not asked: I am female and to be 40 this year, virgo hehehe, apologies in case there was no such question at all). Please, allow me some time to react on your “small last thing” a bit later as I am myself deeply involved in my turbulent emotional moments and now MY case has the Priority for app. two days and thus I cannot focus “well enough” on other issues… will be back soon then OK?!

    February 2, 2014 at 3:01 am #50141
    Eli
    Participant

    Saurav, have you received this message from me sent to you 2 days ago?

    “Saurav thank you for considering me a “new” good friend, as I had similar feelings towards you. Honesty always, ALWAYS, pays off. For your question not asked: I am female and to be 40 this year, virgo hehehe, apologies in case there was no such question at all). Please, allow me some time to react on your “small last thing” a bit later as I am myself deeply involved in my turbulent emotional moments and now MY case has the Priority for app. two days and thus I cannot focus “well enough” on other issues… will be back soon then OK?!”

    Anyway, I am back.

    So rereading your last message my impression was that you have the “basic problem of fear” that most of the people share. As we are given the power of creation, we have to be careful with our thoughts, desires and fears as creation starts “up” there and in our minds. What you have your thoughts around and your feelings attached to will affect the reality you are (subconsciously first) creating that, sooner or later, will manifest .

    If you fear loss, it is going to take place.

    It is good and necessary to be cautious to avoid accidents etc. but fear means that you are awaiting something bad to happen, and depending on how strong your fear is you start “preparing” yourself for the situation with “action plans”. Being able to see “options” is good. Being emotionally attached to the case of the “worst case” scenario is contra productive, and works like an “invitation” as “this is what you are believing in the most and expecting to take place” so universe sais: “let it be”.

    Your desire for the “something very exclusive” is weaker than your “fear of loosing it soon”.

    Full happiness is momentarily. “Keeping happiness in our lives” is a continuous work including many difficult times. (But who the H..ll cares hard work if it pays off well -with many appy “moments” hehe)

    Create your own “watch dog” of thoughts and feelings then replace negative thoughts and feelings with “affective” ones or simply ignore their “existence” saying e.g. “delete, delete”.
    ————————————————————————–
    One of our goals on Earth is to be happy on “our OWN merit” and shine our happiness onto others, sharing it with those who are receptive.

    When I love somebody, I am happy for his/her happiness either it is in line with my-whatever-my-idea-might-be-on-the issue” or not.

    If you love and respect me, you accept my choices as they are. You have the right to express your disagreement or your “doubting” feelings of any kind might you not agree with my choices, and that is it.

    So all this is for your thoughts with regard to your Dad- as well.

    I believe with death we “just” change dimension, leaving our bodies here while our soul continuous its existence “somewhere else”; thus whenever you have a thought of , question to, or moments to share with your Dad, he IS there in his spirits and provides you answers his way -if any.

    ——————————————————————————-

    What we do is what we think to be the best solution that given moment. At a later time in the future we might realise, understand that there were better options but WE were not ready yet, they were not the part of OUR “truth” yet. And it does not matter at all. In the future, if one is wise enough, the recognition and identification of the similarity between past and present situations (e.g.: with the help of the above mention “watch-dog”) we can have better choices then previously we had.

    Off I go now…

    February 2, 2014 at 12:03 pm #50151
    Saurav
    Participant

    🙂 just, no words…..just things to think about….!!

    One worthy share: http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it (let me know in case you get to go through it :P)

    I did keep coming back for the reply and this shows why! 🙂
    Talking about Dad, I still follow ways he had shown…and never try to feel he is no more with us…instead, i remember all the good times we had together and make up the rest of it.

    This time, I just hope with all my heart you get out of the turbulent situation you are in sooner and in what way!!

    Regards – Saurav
    (Smile on the face of pain…give it no importance….make them realize you are ready and you will get out of it….IT’s YOUR OWN! )

    February 2, 2014 at 12:05 pm #50152
    Saurav
    Participant

    And I did get your message 2 days back 🙂 Actually i waited and found both of them on the same day…hehe!

    February 3, 2014 at 9:16 pm #50249
    Eli
    Participant

    Hi Saurav, I am back.

    THANK YOU for being a good friend and sending your good wishes and warm caring thoughts out for me!
    I needed them and I am sure were a great “back up power” for me.

    I proudly (with low tune) pronounce that “problem solved”! heheheehe.. It was a nice “game”, though a tough one. But I like to be quick and not to waste time on “lost” cases as I love myself. (Kisses to my arm…). Thank you for your link I checked it too, and I would like to call your attention to this one I found for myself as “extra support” on “my issue”: http://www.kktanhp.com/law_of_karma.htm. The text is very to the point though complex but crystal clear in its wording (for me at least).

    Well, I have the smile on my face (can you “feel” it?) as I have a very good sense of humour (told by others too) and I love “playing with self-irony”.

    I am ready, out of it, and all mine!

    Cheers

    February 5, 2014 at 10:35 am #50343
    Saurav
    Participant

    Exactly, I do feel it….I won’t exaggerate but….even if you were dealing with something, I could feel it from the last two replies…Truly!! 🙂
    It is soo good to see you happy!!..I pray it remains forever!

    The way you aptly understood…actually the understanding was more awesome than the resolutions to it, that I got stuck to…hehe…and the lucid flow was plausible in every aspect..This made me feel you have seen a lot and at the same time very jolly by heart!

    About my problem with which I started, I am getting a hold of me….after talking. I will always remember this! I was helped more than any other ways! Thanks! (hehe)
    Currently travelling back to Work place..hence delay in reply..also trying to understand ‘Karma”…i have to admit..that is DEEP….haven’t finished it yet! 😛

    Regards – Saurav, Best Wishes!!

    February 7, 2014 at 11:28 pm #50540
    Eli
    Participant

    Hi Saurav,

    Sorry for being “so long” away. Thank you for your kind words. I believe I am on the right path to make things better for myself and all around -just the way “you sound” you are.

    I am so happy that I could contribute to someone’s “inner balance” “out there” this way as well. There were two reasons I “registered” (maybe a hidden third exists but that was “initiated by my subconscious” for myself*) to this blog.
    One was the way you explained your problem, while the second was your last question asking for help: “anyone”?
    As I know from experience how it feels to be “left alone” without anyone around who “seems” to be “good, adequate” etc. enough to “show a way out”, and as I strongly felt that I had things to say, thus it was a kind of “obligation” for me to do so. (The first time ever via blog).

    Anyway, I will travel next weekend too. I am going to have a very busy 2014 to “clean situations up” and to get ready for something new and better.

    Will talk to you -my friend.

    Take care, “do the work” and best wishes to you too!

    Eli

    Ps.: *Due to my registration to Tiny Buddha I discovered other very useful sites as well helping me out of my “turbulent moments” hehee. Pay-back: ticked!..

    February 8, 2014 at 1:50 am #50544
    Anyone
    Participant

    Hi Saurav,

    Yes, it does happen. I recently had two breakups. 1) Marriage – I’m sure you understand how difficult it is to break a marriage in India! Pheeeww.. Yes, I came over it!
    2) Relationship.

    Of late, I had been blaming myself over these two failures in relation. I thought the problem was with me, may be I was wrong that’s MY relationships broke. 1) 6 year relationship and 2) 3 years.

    Practically speaking, our generation has changed. It’s no more like our parents who would stick around with each other in the marriage no matter what. We are more like, if it’s not working and if we are not happy, we will move forward rather than being stuck. Here comes the phase which we find difficult, to live alone, and make up for the heartbreak.

    Always, it just takes time. And partially, it also depends on how much we are ready to help ourselves come over with it. Your blog tells that you want to get over with it and move forward. Which in itself is a good sign. And my friend, you’re way too lucky to not have married the wrong person; it could have been a mess among families and society.

    Just remember, ‘Life goes on’. Whenever you’re emotional and stuck with the past feelings…Say to yourself….’Life goes on’.

    Cheers!
    Stay blessed and all the best for your career in photography.

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