Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→scared of myself
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December 10, 2013 at 10:57 am #46535HannahParticipant
I have been struggling with really strong depression and anxiety the last months which may be the reason why I am having some scary thoughts lately. I have been very shy my whole life, always trying to live up to other people’s expectations, constantly putting myself down and denying my needs to try to make people around me happy, I guess. My parents are overprotective and can be very strict because of that so I was always worried to let them down, especially when it came to school and what I am “doing with my life in general”.
So I have always been somewhat depressed as I don’t know what I am good at and what I like and I am always scared to try new things, expecting that I am going to fail anyway.
A couple months ago when I was going to start college I had some sort of breakdown, experiencing panic attacks and developing a general feeling of anxiety all the time.
I had been traveling the year before and experienced some sort of freedom and acceptance from the people around me that I had never known before. It also made me aware of how I keep avoiding things out of fear. When I came back I felt obligated to start going to college as it has already been two years since I finished high school so I guess I pushed myself into something I didn’t want, giving the opinion of other people once again the power to control my life. Maybe the strong anxiety started showing up as a sign that it was time to change something in my behaviour patterns… What I am afraid of right now is all these feelings that are coming up. It seems like I just can’t pretend anymore that I’m doing good. Sometimes I can’t stop crying for no reason and I am so sick about worrying what everybody thinks about me. But at the same time I am holding myself back, telling myself that I am going crazy. I am scared of losing control over myself, that if I let myself just be, I’ll become an inconsiderate, selfish person that will hurt the people I love. I am scared of losing touch with reality. I heard that the fear of going crazy is not unusual when you’re suffering from generalized anxiety disorder and I am not even sure what “going crazy” means for me but I feel so insecure.
I am starting psychotherapy as well as cognitive behaviour therapy but I am also afraid about things I might find out about myself. Sometimes I can’t help but feel doomed by my past.December 10, 2013 at 7:18 pm #46570AlParticipantMy dear Hannah,
You are trying to abide by society’s standards. Don’t. Abide by your happiness first and always (while trying your best to remain considerate of others, of course). You, like the sheer majority of us, have been led to believe to be instantly capable as soon as you became an adult. A misplaced discipline, unfortunately. Truth is no one really knows what they’re doing, they are only ever trying. However, if we remain determined, some of us find something meaningful to live up to AND for. You must do the same. Once you do, your drive to obtain your goal will eradicate all the fears within you. I’m sure, however, that you need will need more detail.
In overcoming your fears: along with the above-mentioned, you must learn to see and feel your very being in others, that they, too, are suffering beings doing the best that they know and can in this existence to obtain happiness. That they share the same fear and hope and want and need and courage and weakness and strength and everything else that you have inside you. You are all one and the same.
In finding a goal/dream: unless you open your mind and attempt new things, you may never find something worth living for. You must have the will to want and to do so. And, if what you find is important enough then you will make no excuses to chase after it. But where do you begin? You begin with what I often post to others: by experimenting. How will you know if you like acting unless you try it? Or eating artichokes? Or traveling overseas? Or watching live plays? Or knitting? Or roasted sesame ice cream? Etc…so continue to discover (at a comfortable pace to you, of course) until you find something worthy to dedicate your life to. Afterwards, everything will fall into place.
In being at peace of mind: accept that you do not know all the answers and never will and shouldn’t know it all in the first place. It is much more fun to discover things you never knew anyway, don’t you think? Understand that you must live for yourself, and not others, and you will come to find that by doing so you will have lived for them as well when you do. Take it slow, do not rush, do not feel rushed and do not let yourself be rushed. Life is not meant to live in chaos but in harmony. However, this is something that YOU decide. Mindfully analyze every event that arises in your life before making a decision and be at ease if you do not immediately find solutions for them. The answers will come when they’re meant to so don’t over worry over it. Do your best to recognize ‘happy’ moments and pause to bask in them when they present themselves. Train yourself to recognize all the beauty around you. Doing so will help in garnering positivity. Likewise, do your best to entertain positive thoughts as often as you can. See the positive in any situation.
Finally, I’ll leave you with this quote, “If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship traveling through the universe.” 🙂 I hope this helps. Good luck.
December 10, 2013 at 7:20 pm #46571Just MeParticipantHi Hannah. I think what your feeling is more common than you think. People often just don’t talk about it. Although I haven’t been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, after reading the description many years ago…..I feel I have that. I read your post and thought….she should know that she is not alone….not the only one who panics, literally finds things to worry about and feels at times like they are going crazy maybe. I think a lot of it is linked to low self esteem combined with a heightened sensitivity level to the world around you. I have a fear of people not liking me and care too much what people think. It has gotten better…..however, I’m 32 now with my own family so I had to change my priorities. Things that help me: regular exercise and doing one nice thing for myself daily. I also limit my contact to my parents whom can be toxic. Way to go for traveling… I felt wonderful when I spent a summer in Spain….some of my best memories. Maybe at times we are not being true to ourselves and our subconscious thoughts manifest themselves through our anxiety. It’s okay to be selfish. We can’t please everybody and some people will not like us for whatever reason and that’s okay even normal. You deserve to be happy. It’s also good to speak your mind even if it upsets someone. if you’re anything we wait too long to say what’s really on our mind. I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist. I miss being able to talk without a filter and feel totally not judged. Thanks for sharing.
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