Scared of no longer loving my boyfriend

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Eliana.

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October 10, 2017 at 12:06 am #172529

Shy
Participant

Hello. I’m 20, been in a relationship with the most wonderful, handsome, perfect guy I’ve ever met in my life for a year and a week now.

We’re in a long distance relationship, but it has never bugged me before. I trust him, he trusts me. There’s no reason not to.

Now yesterday, I don’t know why, I felt a sudden fear. It hit me like a truck and the thought has not left me since.

I’m scared, no, TERRIFIED that one day I won’t love him anymore. And, as stupid as it sounds, I’ve constantly asked the question “Do I still love him?” to which I’ve mentally slapped myself each time because of course I do. He makes my heart race, he makes me giggly still, he makes me cry tears of joy every time he admits his love to me.

But there’s this fear. What if I stopped “loving” him?

I could never leave him. To me, he’s the definition of perfect. I tell him everyday, I’ve did so for a year. I would never want anyone else.

In all fairness, these past weeks, my personal life has been throwing me around quite a bit. Between moving out and having my first flat, family issues, accusations, stress… I feel drained and everything seems too much.

I miss having my boyfriend around. Just knowing he’s not here to hug or kiss him almost physically hurts.

He’s my everything. My light in the dark. The thought has been depressing me even more since yesterday evening.

I love him so much. But do I really? I’m questioning everything.

Maybe it’s just my hormones? I’ve got my period two days ago haha… it does mess with me. Still.

Everything just seems too much.

(He’ll be coming over for my bday which is in 3 weeks and I’m super excited about it!)

October 10, 2017 at 7:36 am #172585

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Shy:

You mentioned recent “family issues, accusations, stress”- can you share about those accusations: who is accusing who of what?

I ask because it may be connected to your current fear and questioning yourself.

anita

October 10, 2017 at 9:26 am #172611

Shy
Participant

I’ve only recently had to move out to my new flat.

I’ve been living with a family from one of my friends. Before that, I never really had a place to call my own. My family members are mostly alcoholics and terrible people.
I’m an introvert, and the family I’ve lived with decided it’d be best for me to move out and find a place for myself. For my own sake.
About the accusations:

My sister has been going around spreading lies.
She’s told everyone the reason I got “kicked out” was because I’m a dirty thief.
Apparently I stole something from them.
She even messaged me an entire paragraph on Facebook (we don’t have eachothers numbers) saying how pathetic I am. How I always get what I want and how stealing only proceeds to get me my own flat.
I’ve never stolen in my life. These accusations have seriously tormented me these past days. But she blocked me immediatly after she sent me the message.

She’s 33, but sometimes I wonder who’s more mature. Me, or her?

Now I can’t let anyone of my family see me. What are they thinking of me? But at the same time, I don’t care.
But I kinda do. I don’t want anyone to think badly of me. I’m not a bad person.

I just wonder how my sister got that idea of me stealing.

I haven’t seen or talked to her in months. I’ve only said no when she asked if I could help her out financially a few weeks ago. I had no money myself.

My thoughts are too much.

October 10, 2017 at 10:21 am #172627

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Shy:

You wrote that your family members are terrible people. For any person and for a young woman, only a couple of years out of legal childhood, realizing your family members are terrible people is very hard to accept and adjust to. At one point you loved them and you are probably still emotionally attached to them.

Maybe you wonder if you love your family members, if you should, if it is okay to not love them?

These thoughts, if they are there, can be very distressing. Maybe you have been projecting these thoughts (that you may not be aware of?) into your boyfriend, wondering if you love him?

anita

October 10, 2017 at 11:43 am #172595

Michael
Participant

Dear Shy,

I was quite moved by your post, so much so that this is actually my first comment ever on one of these threads. I think it’s perfectly healthy to question your feelings towards your bf, if there’s one thing i’ve learned in my 25 years on this earth it’s that feelings change all the time.

What we need in one phase of our lives isn’t necessarily what we need in the next phase, and that’s completely normal and healthy. It has nothing to do with your boyfriend whom you described as “perfect” and not matter how sincerely you mean that I seriously question that. No one is perfect, and therefore no one can be perfect for ever – what he can be however is perfect for right now. With all the upheavals in your life recently it’s perfectly logical that your mind is questioning things you have otherwise taken for granted, my belief is that it is your mind trying to assess what it wants and needs out of this next phase. I would encourage you to pursue these thoughts in a judgement free way – maybe some of these anxieties are based in your relationship, maybe they aren’t, check in with yourself and be honest about what you need.

If you find that the shine on your bf is wearing off that’s not a commentary on either of you – you’re 20, it’s ok to change who you want to be and what you want. Nothing is forever, enjoy things as they are, but be true to yourself first :).

Hope you have a great day!

October 10, 2017 at 2:10 pm #172651
Shy
Participant
Thank you all so much.
The thing is, I do love my boyfriend. I have no doubts about it anymore. It’s more of a “gotten used to it” feeling. Like I still adore him and love him with all my heart. But I’ve finally realised that he is, indeed, mine.

I’m happy with my relationship. I’m just somewhat scares that someday, out of the blue, I could stop loving him.

He’s a wonderful man. Does the best he can to make me feel loved. Always manages to make me smile, no matter how tough the situation is that I’m in.

He always puts me first. And, on top of that, he is somewhat my first real relationship.

My first boyfriend only used me. He was 8 years older than me and just got out of a relationship before we started dating.

this is something completely different. I don’t want to hurt him, ever. He’s my number one and I want to make sure he only gets the best, and I want to try my best to always make him happy. Because he deserves it.

We both have our ups and downs in our private lives, but our relationship couldn’t be better (well, except for the distance).

You really helped me open my eyes and think about things. I got ran over with all sorts of feelings these past weeks.

Anger. Betrayal. Sadness. Fear. Love. Excitement. I thought I had reached the bottom again. That this time, I’d be alone with my misery. But I’m not and I’ll never be.

Things have been rough all my life. My relationship with my boyfriend has been stable, and perfect for so long, I forced myself to think that something must be wrong, since I’m not used to have nothing broken in my life.

I haven’t stayed in one place for longer than a year. Kept switching schools. Homes.

And I still have him. It’s strange to me. But I’m lucky to have him, and I’m sure I’ll overcome this situation, like I always did.

Thank you for listening to my stupid venting <3 You really helped me, making me think
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Shy.
October 10, 2017 at 4:04 pm #172657
Eliana
Participant
Hi Shy,
- I think you are putting your boyfriend and your relationship on a pedestal and it is creating a lot of stress for you. I got engaged to my first love when I was very young like you. He was gorgeous. Stunning. Drove a beautiful car, women stared at him. He was funny, made me laugh, he was my whole world. I was not “complete” without him..that’s where the problem was. I put him on a pedestal. All my friends gawked at him, telling me how lucky I was to have someone who looked like a model and so sweet and good to me, we were very giddy with each other and very much in love. It was like a “high” just being around him. He was “perfect”..but then something happened. After we got engaged and I moved in with him..the “pedestal” I had him on, got lower and lower. I was not emotionally ready or mature to be engaged at such a young age. Yet he was. I started to see him as perfect so much, that I psyched myself out, and idealised him and the relationship. When things started to go wrong, I had no idea what to do. I would just say just take it one day at a time. Don’t live in the “what it’s”. Nothing is forever. No matter how much in love you may be. People change, feelings change. Enjoy every day you have with him. Try not to analyze it or think of it as perfection, no such thing. Take things slow and steady.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Eliana.
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