Dear Kay:

I know very well how this feels:  “to want to be alone and safe but at the same time I want company, but then I get scared”- like every little girl, I too loved my mother more than anything, she was my Everything. When this most important person in the world turned against me with words and actions, so surprising, so earth shattering- I was scared to death. When she did it again and again, the fear took hold and became an ongoing anxiety.

When she fed me with her delicious food, when she bought me gifts etc.- none of it made up for the verbal and physical assaults. Children are just too sensitive to violence, especially by those they love and trust- the fear, anxiety and damage are done and can’t be undone by nice acts in between the assaults.

“I really enjoy spending time with him, but I get s scared of expectations”- I imagine that when your mother was nice to you and you enjoyed spending time with her, you hoped that she was going to stay this way, nice and kind. But it was just a matter of time before she turned against you again. Remembering this only too well-  you are afraid of depending on your boyfriend to stay nice. You expect him to turn against you, or to leave you (?)

But imagine that .. maybe N is different from your mother. Did you notice that he is more patient, not inclined to get angry.. that he is different from your mother?

anita

Dear Kay:

“At the beginning he was extremely nice.. I really miss him being nicer, but maybe this more neutral person is his real self or maybe what I created with my indifference”- it is possible that he reacted to your apparent indifference by emotionally distancing himself from you.

“In all the time I have been with him, I have not seen him angry, which honestly scares me, because I do not know how he will be when angry, maybe he yells or he is aggressive”- maybe you did see him angry, but you didn’t notice because his anger does not express itself in yelling and other aggressive behaviors. Maybe his anger expressed itself in this facial muscles getting a bit tighter, or in his tone of voice getting lower- subtle changes.. (?)

“I do  not know if I would call him my boyfriend. How am I supposed to know?”- You can ask him but you may not believe his answer if he tells you that he considers himself to be your boyfriend, just as you didn’t believe him when “he said he was not seeing other people”-

– what would be best is if you did your part trying to communicate with him a bit more, just a bit.. a small beginning to start with… What do you think?

anita

Dear Kay:

I will read your recent post (and anything you want to add to it) and reply in a couple of hours.

anita

Dear Kay:

First, congratulations for asking him questions/ bringing up your concerns to him, well-done on both accounts.

Regarding the first concern you brought to him: before, he talked about making plans for the two of you together, but later referred to you making travel plans by yourself. About this change, he told you that he did not notice or see it that way. About his answer, you wrote: “I did not believe him, I think something happened between the before and after”- I tend to believe that he doesn’t remember now what he said then. It is so very easy to say words, and saying so many words every day, a person forgets what he/ she said before.

You remember what he said because what he said meant a lot to you when he said it; he forgot what he said because what he said did not mean a lot to him when he said it.

At first he mentioned traveling with you- maybe he meant it, but likely he did not think about it seriously; he didn’t really plan to travel with you, he just mentioned it. When he mentioned you traveling alone, in his mind- he didn’t remember mentioning traveling with you earlier.

Second, regarding him having spent the night with “an escort kind of woman” the day before Christmas and the rest of your post:

He spent the night with anther woman, an escort, then he “offered to bring dinner” to your place, he then arrived at your place and “ordered some food”. While waiting for the food, you asked and he told you that indeed he spent the night with the other woman while “traveling with friends”, that “he considers himself single”, that you and him “are just getting to know each other”, and that like he told you before, “he does not want a long term relationship”. That night the two of you had sex together and he spent the night. The next day, Thursday, Christmas Eve, he “left because he was going to spend new year with his family that lives in another state”. After he left, you felt surprisingly calm.

My comments at this point:

1) I think that the reason you felt “surprisingly calm, thinking (but not overthinking), but not getting upset or crying” Thursday and Friday, after he left, is because it was very calming for you to spend the whole night with him. His touch, his body next to you, sex with him- all that calmed you, and that calm lasted so far two days. Eventually, that calm will lessen, and you will need another dose of calm.

2) It is very, very common for a lot of men to enjoy having sex with as many women as they have the opportunity to have sex with. He traveled with friends, came across an escort, paid her cash for a night with her, and spent the night with her. Then he called you,  paid for dinner.. and had sex with you. Notice the paying part, that’s what is so common throughout human history: men paying for sex. How much they pay depends on the man and the woman he is with: some ask for cash, others will be okay with dinner.

Next, he travels to a different state to visit his family.. and if there may be an available woman there, he may bring her a little Christmas gift and have sex with her.

3) You expressed your concern regarding STDs, and your dilemma otherwise: “On one hand I really enjoy spending time with him, when we are together he is really nice and present. But on the other hand, every time we are not together I would think he is just f**** whoever he can, which at the end would be a torture for me”-

– The calm you felt after spending the night with him will turn to torture after the calm lessens. Then you get together with him for another night, the torture lessens, the calm returns, but too soon the torture will return for as long as you are interested in him as a boyfriend and not as a hookup.

In your recent post you gave me more information that I did not have before, I didn’t know that he feels comfortable having sex with more than one woman, so that concerns me. For one, there is the issue of STDs. Second, it leads me to think that he may not like you as much as I thought/ hoped that he did. When with you, “he is really nice and present”- that may be because if he is not really nice and present with a woman, he is less likely to have a good time with a woman, particularly if she is not an escort.

“I think I am scared of ending things”- don’t end things then, at this point. Instead, ask him more questions, check your (and my) assumptions in regard to him by asking him more questions, one question at a time. He was honest with you Wed., he may be honest with you again, when you ask him the next question. With more answers, more information and understanding, you will be less scared to do whatever it is that you need to do for your own well-being.

anita

Dear Kay:

You are welcome. “I think I am a magnet for that kind of men”- there are so many men who are interested in having sex with whomever is attractive and available at any one time, that statistically it is likely that every woman comes across men like that, not just you.

“I try to take things slowly and get to know them, perhaps it is not enough time”- when a man tells you (following you asking, if he does not tell you first) that he is okay with having sex with multiple women, and you are not okay with being with a man who does this- then you don’t need more time to get to know him; you already know enough to make a decision.

“Honestly I do not know what to ask”- you can ask him all kinds of questions: if he plans to never have a long-term relationship, if he plans to never get married and have children.. You can ask him what he likes most about (any) woman, what is it that he likes about you.

anita